[WesternCanuck]

It is definitely something I’ve seriously considered. I am single and I’m living away from my family but do have a couple of friends I could trust. Hope you are having a great day as well!

[WesternCanuck]

Thank you kpat for bumping that video up. It was sad, powerful and all too familiar. I watched it three times and sent it to some AA buddies.

For me the nugget is the ATM or Cashier in the Casino. Always running back for more money but feeling a little more deflated and wounded each time. If there were to be an after video, for me, I tend to render myself white again. Maybe I paint myself white trying to cover up my folly. I go along for a while pretending things are normal. I might even walk past a nugget or two. But eventually, I will succumb and it’s straight to black again, but quicker.

That’s how it has been but that’s not how it has to be.

Feeling a little more hopeful today.

Thank you all.

[WesternCanuck]

“Scratching our heads on a recovery site” So true, I love it!

This is my test you are right. I know all too well where that “next bet” will lead me. The obsessive mind is a powerful beast, however, I pray that I may have the strength to reach out for help when I’m at that breaking point between thoughts and actions. But today will not be that day. Today I will not gamble.

Thanks again 🙂

[WesternCanuck]

So far so good but have been crunching numbers all day in my head trying to justify going back. “One last time” I keep telling myself. “Win or lose I’m going to put my foot down”. But at this stage, I’m both afraid to lose and afraid to win. Afraid I’ll lose more money (which is becoming scarce) and afraid if I win I’ll lose all resolve.

[WesternCanuck]

Keep up the good work jansdad! Keep posting as it certainly gives hope to the recently relapsed such as myself.

[WesternCanuck]

Urges are difficult because they can seemingly come up out of no where: When things are going great, when they are not and everything in between. Reflecting back, I got to 6 months gamble free because I was very aware of myself. Very connected to my inner emotions on any given day. Although I am not necessarily religious, I prayed and meditated for strength and self awareness even when things were going well. I got away from that and that’s when the obsession started creeping back in. And all it takes is one big loss for gambling to totally consume my mind. So if you are having no urges perhaps take a quiet moment to yourself and ask why that is. Ask for the strength to remember this moment when things get more difficult. It worked for me in the past, I am hoping it will work again and perhaps it will help you.

[WesternCanuck]

Thanks hintline for your reply. It is comforting to know that we are all in this together. You’re right, money, relationships and debt will take care of itself in due time if I do not gamble. I need to expell the “what ifs” and “only ifs” from my head. I will never come out on top if I continue to gamble. Period. The only winning hand for me in life is if I live it gamble free. Trying to take it one step at a time, one day at a time.

[WesternCanuck]

I can identify hintline. My gambling has also progressed significantly recently. I’ve been an emotional wreck the past few days after losing boatloads. And I certainly have been where you are with the crying etc. I just got off the support groups and I must say I feel much better chatting to the community here in real time. I don’t feel nearly as alone as I did. Time will heal our emotional scars as long as we keep our feet moving in the right direction. All the best.

WC

[WesternCanuck]

Thanks Charles, I would love to join the session, I really would. But I’m currently posting off my phone at work. I have literally had nothing to do for the past week but just got assigned a task of course! Cheers again for the invite, I hope to make one soon! Will try after work hours.

[WesternCanuck]

Thank you Vera for sharing your story. It is a definite foreshadow of what is in store for me if I keep walking this path. More loans and credit cards have been circling my thoughts as I have good credit at the moment (miraculously I might add!)

I happened to be on a working holiday in Ireland in 2008/09 during the collapse of the Celtic Tiger. I recall people calling it the “Paper Tiger”. The only work I could find was as a barista at the Cork train station. Actually it was living here that my problem became apparent to me. I had to borrow money off my folks to pay rent a couple of times. The first time that had happened.

I definitely am trying to stop it here. I keep telling myself to forget the past, move on, that I can still be successful in life. Before I always managed to shrug off every ominous warning and gamble again. Praying that won’t happen this time!

There is so much to lose and so little to gain by gambling. I really do feel I am ready this time. It feels different this time. It feels as though I am finally taking the “right” first steps. I just really need to let go of my recent loss. If I can do that I think I might have a shot.

You’re very right when you say that all we have is today. I WILL get through Day 3 and right now that’s all that matters.

[WesternCanuck]

I guess it’s the small (extremely small) chance I can recoup that money. I have done it before but I know it’s highly unlikely. But for me right now it definitely is about the money.

That initial gambling brings me ease, comfort and big-shotism for a short time. I lose because I rarely leave up and it’s the panic that brings me back. I know I’m emotionally fragile at the moment and that fighting the cravings is a losing battle. It’s a classic case of “I want to quit, I will quit, but right after I win this money back”. I know the insanity of it. I know that’s not how it will go even if I do recoup my losses. It will be more like “Well that was a close one and very dumb, just be smarter next time”.

I have to find a way to accept that the 20k is gone for good. The previous 100,000 or 200,000 or whatever I have let go somehow. Perhaps because it was more gradual. It was always the obsession that brought me back. I dunno, maybe it’s time thing. I’ll keep taking it one day at a time and hopefully time will help me find acceptance for that last big loss.

One thing I do know is I won’t gamble today and that’s the most important thing.

I really do appreciate your replies jansdad. So thank you very much.

[WesternCanuck]

Start of Day 3 and I’m already obsessing. Betfilter is up and running on my laptop thank God. I called phone provider but there is nothing they can do on their end to block gaming sites. I really want to ban myself from the city casinos when I get home from my work shift away but afraid I will not have the will power. I have already been thinking about and justifying withdrawing out of my meager retirement fund to cover a trip to the casino. I’m young and retirement is a while off. At this stage, my logic is what is another few thousand after just losing 20 online. I just want that money back and I can’t let it go even though I know it’s gone for good. Posting helps. Thanks for listening.

[WesternCanuck]

Thanks Harry

[WesternCanuck]

Yes I am most certainly from Canada. Western because I just happen to live in the west (Alberta actually).

Thanks for the welcome!

[WesternCanuck]

So far so good. Had some urges earlier but resisted thankfully. Just got off the phone with a fellow who has multiple years gamble free. He had some good insights into the addiction. Really looking forward to meeting him. Trying to keep my chin up but know it’s going to be a tough battle.

Also, I tried downloading Betfilter on my laptop last night but I can’t find it after installation. Anyone else have this problem? Checked the FAQs on the website but it didn’t show up. May have to try contacting them directly.

[Author]

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