[jansdad]

Hello everyone. I’m a compulsive gambler and my story is no different than most of the stories here. I started gambling at an early age and have been fighting my addiction for decades.
At times I thought my situation is not all that bad, after all I never stole anything, never got evicted, never thought of suicide, all my bills are paid…
But I do realize now, I’m only a step a way from all that.

I’m totally powerless over the addiction. Today I finished Allen Carr’s “The easy way to stop gambling” which is one great book in its own right. Most of the things in the book I already knew, but the book reinforced them, many things I suspected and there were a few things I didn’t know or didn’t understand quite well before reading the book. The book made it all crystal clear to me and I finally thought I’m ready to quit gambling. Of course, I knew better than to be certain of it, but I did believe there’s a pretty good chance I will not gamble again.

That was this afternoon. Then this evening, maybe because I finally found “the way” to stop gambling, maybe because I only had 150 euros in my account I decided to gamble “one last time”. What harm could it do, now that I “know” I can finally quit. I lost the 150 very quickly on a bad beat and then, resourceful as I am, somehow managed to get another 1200 euros online and proceeded to losing it.
I’ve lost excess of 8000 euros over the last month. I’ve been losing regularly over the years, but never that much in a month. Most of it came from our saving account which my wife and I were going to invest into something. Of course she has no idea I lost 1/3 of the money and now I have to lie to her. And it’s something I didn’t do for years. There were periods when I almost didn’t gamble at all and she had regained trust in me.
I lost way too much last month and what’s worse I’m not sure I can stop. If I never gambled again I would probably be ok, but I know all to well I cannot count on that. I might be swearing up and down now that I will never gamble again, but the chances are 2 days from now I won’t be able to fight off the demons. And not being able to fight them off is the sure road to ruin for me.

I’m desperate. I know I mustn’t place a single bet again. Ever. If lose 50 euros, I will lose 1000 or whatever I can get my hands on on a single day. But the urge is so overwhelming at times and often I don’t know how to fight it off.

I know you all went through this, I’ve been coming to this forum for over a year now. I will try and contribute daily and maybe it will help me. Thank you all for posting here.

[jansdad]

I woke up feeling hopeful. But I know I shouldn’t be. I gambled the money I can’t afford to lose only 8 hours ago. And I know I usually feel hopeful in the morning. It’s the evening when the lurking beast in me usually attacks. When my wife and my kid are asleep and I have a couple of hours all to myself. It is then that I begin to rationalize that I can actually win (even though I absolutely positively KNOW I CAN’t) if I stick to my A game. It is then that I decide to put only a 100 or 200.

I had nightmares, worried sick about my future, but yet I feel hopeful this morning. I often feel hopeful in the morning, I know it means nothing. There are no insurances that in a day, two or three, I won’t think again it’s not all that bad and if I only play well I can beat the game. And I know for a fact I’m kidding myself, I know for a fact I can’t ever win.

[jansdad]

Was very worried the whole day. I know i can go without gambling for a few days maybe even a couple of weeks, but what’s the point when sooner or later I start playing and then lose everything I can lose. It doesn’t really matter if I lose 100 euros a day or refrain from playing for a month and then lose 3K in one day.
That’s how sick I am.

But I’m feeling better and relieved now. I cut a deal with a friend who agreed to give me 1 one euro and if he catches me gambling (from now till Jan 1 2016) I have to give him 20,000 euros.
We take these deals very seriously and if I do gamble and he catches me I would have to give him 20K and that would absolutely ruin me. That in itself should be enough for me not to do anything foolish. I had deals like this in the past and they generally worked very well.
Now that I think about it, I have no idea why I didn’t extend the last similar deal I had like this when it expired with another friend. I could have been a lot richer and a lot less miserable. Maybe I thought I’m cured or maybe I thought a little bit of gambling can do no harm. How wrong and foolish I was…

[velvet]

<

Hello Jansdad and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[charles]

Hello Jansdad,

You say your wife had regained trust in you? Presumably that means that this has happened in the past as well at some stage? Why lie to her? Honesty would mean she could help you be more accountable for the rest of your money. If you were both planning on investing this money in something then presumably she will find out that the money is missing at some stage anyway won’t she? Trying to keep things covered up can in itself send people back to gambling as they try to replace lost money.

How about barriers? where do you normally gamble? If it is online then you can get a blocker for your PC. if it’s at a casino then you can get self excluded.

Keep posting and let us know the positive steps you are taking.

[icandothis]

Hi Jansdad, I have noticed that you haven’t posted in a while. I hope you continue to post and use this site. You don’t have to stay on the Road to Ruin. It’s never too late to make a U-turn and get on the Road to Recovery instead. I think you will find it a better route to take, and we will all be here for you each step of the way!

[jansdad]

Hello icandothis and charles. Yes, I was away for a while. I foolishly thought I had things under control and I didn’t need you guys nor this site. I didn’t exactly think I was better than you guys, but it was close to that. I will never make that mistake again.

I’m back now and am here to stay. I have a friend who hasn’t drunk in 10 years and yet visits the AA meeting 2-3 times a week. Now I know why.

I probably won’t have to tell my wife about the money I lost for another 6 months, possibly longer and if I manage not to gamble I think I can save it up and I should be ok.

Should I not be honest with my wife about it? I can’t bear to disappoint her again. And again, if I don’t gamble from now on I should probably be ok. And if I do gamble then the hell will break loose anyway and I will end in it.

[jackwilson]

Hi Jansdad,

I’m in the same boat as well. I don’t have any debt, all the bills are paid for and we lead very good lives. A few grand here and a few grand there didn’t really affect our joint accounts. The problem with this thought process is that I try to gamble to replace the money lost and this single realization has gotten me to gamble time and time again.

I decided that i’m not going to tell my partner, but I am also not going to chase these losses either, because I may win a bit here and there, but I will NEVER get back close to breakeven. My life wouldn’t change much even if I made back the $250,000 that I lose, however, I can still lose a lot more.

More importantly, as you noted, it’s not the money, but it’s the lost time and endless lying. I lie so much I that I can’t even keep all my lies straight. One of my goals now is to always be truthful with everything.

I’ll email you and maybe we can work on some plan. For me, I don’t think I can implement the $20,000, because technically, it’s still a “bet”. I know that if I bet $1, then I’m going to bet $100, and before I know it, I’m going to bet $10,000.

[jansdad]

I don’t even know why I gamble. I can’t explain that intellectually. I know I’m addicted, that goes without saying, but I don’t know what triggers the action, what makes me gamble.
I know gambling does not give me any genuine pleasure. I know it’s bad for my moods, bad for my health, for my relationship, for my parentship. And I know I cannot win.

I was going 2 weeks strong after the last gambling spree and I was doing alright. Then 3 days ago I had the urge to gamble and I knew all to well that it would be a huge mistake to start. I had a good thing going, I hadn’t gambled in over 2 weeks, I started going to the gym, I was able to concentrate on my work, I read 2 books in the mean time, I was able to watch through a whole movie without fidgeting.
And in spite all that I decided to cancel that deal with my friend, the deal that has been a lifesaver, and to gamble.
And if you asked me why, for the life of me I could not give a reasonable explanation.
The limits I play, on extreme days, fluctuate +/- $3K. On most days I can lose or win $1K.
And I was saying to myself, ok let’s say you get extremely lucky and you win $3K, will that change anything? And the answer was, no it wouldn’t. I mean $3K is nice, but it would not change my life style or anything and I’m jeopardizing too much for a remote chance of winning the amount that won’t matter too much anyway.

So, I know I cannot win long term, I know that even if I did win short term that money that I could win wouldn’t make any difference, I know that by playing I’m opening the door to hell and I know all too well what it means to be in that hell – and yet against my better judgement I go ahead and start gambling again.

How the hell is that possible?

[charles]

Hi Jansdad,

Why? Because you are a compulsive gambler. I wouldn’t bother trying to apply logic and intellectualism to an addiction.

A more important question isn’t ” Why?” It’s “What can I do to stop?”

What barriers can you now put in place? Honesty would mean you can be held fully accountable for your money with your wife. It would mean you wouldn’t have easy access to gambling funds.

AA helped your friend? Why not try a GA meeting for yourself then?

How about that blocker for your PC? Self exclusion from any casinos you go to?

Keep posting and let us know what positive steps you are taking.

[jansdad]

Thanks Charles. I’ve gone on a gambling spree last few days and it has been horrible. My poker accounts are blocked so I did something I didn’t do in years, probably decades – I went ahead and played online casino games. Black Jack to be precise. I bet 3 hands, from 10 total up to $320 total. At one point I was up handsomely, but it all doesn’t matter, it’s so irrelevant. It wasn’t like I would have stopped and never gambled again had I won even more. In the end I lost it all.

Now I am at the point, and again this is something that hasn’t been the case for almost 20 years, where I won’t be able to pay our bills next month and I have to ask my wife for the money in her saving account.
It all goes too quickly – from “it won’t happen to me, not after all these years, I do know better now” to flatout broke and not having money for the bills.

How foolish of me to think I could only have a few bets for fun. One would think one should know better after 30 years of slavery to a gambling addiction
.
And yes, Charles, you’re right, how foolish of me to try and intellectualize an addiction.

It’s 4am now, so tomorrow will be my day #1. I will come here every day to keep you guys posted and to remind myself that I cannot do this on my own.

[Anonymous]

Hi Jansdad,well done for posting honestly about your gambling. As your wife already knows gambling had been a problem for you , perhaps you could tell her you are having a relapse and to control all the money. She will be a lot more disappointed if you lose even more money.
Having said that I have not told my husband..so I totally understand.

When the addiction has us sucked in it feels like we will never stop, but many on here have successfully stopped gambling, and find their lives recover. You have done it before so you know it can be done .
There is no point in chasing the money. As Jack says you have to draw a line under it and move on. Even if a compulsive gambler is up thousands they will usually keep playing until it us a gone, despite the promises we make ourselves before hand.
I echo what other say. Get a gambling blocker on your computer immediately and put whatever barriers you can in place.
This is a hard addiction to break Jansdad , but it can be done and I know you will do it!!

[jansdad]

Thanks sad68. Yes, I know I should tell my wife, I just don’t know how to break it to her.

I just woke up, still at day #0. I didn’t even have nightmares as I used to have after bad gambling and bad losing. I hope it doesn’t mean I’m becoming numb.

I’m scared. But yes, stopping can be done and I think I can do it. I think most of or even all of us can. A little hopeful at the moment, but I know better than to have my hopes too high.

[Anonymous]

HiJansdad, could you tell her you need her help.!yes she will go crazy but ask her for help..you are gambling at such a level (unless you are really super wealthy) that she will find out anyway, because it is unsustainable. ( I know I couldn’t trust my husband to tell him but you and your wife sound different )
Just look at how much you have lost so quickly Jansdad. You could throw away your life’s work in a few months.
I think you get numb while you are still caught up in the cycle because you can still access money so you can still convince yourself that the big win will come and all will be ok!!

But it doesn’t work like that. Because even if it did come we never cash out.. Out brains have lost control and just want to stay in play !!
Take what ever steps right NOW that will stop you

I tried to gamble for about three hours in
The middle of the night last week. I was so frustrated that I couldn’t because I had blocks on everything, but next morning I was so relieved I hadn’t.. Make it impossible for yourself to gamble Jansdad because i guarantee the urges will come!!

[jansdad]

Thank you sad68. I know you’re right and that I should tell my wife, but I’m very afraid of the reaction it will no doubt provoke.
I’m not wealthy, far from it. I’ve been earning a good living and we spend most of it. Whatever I managed to stash away I already gambled away and also depleted some of the money we have in her account.
I had a bunch of bank accounts in different countries where I would sporadically send money for “rainy days”. A grand here, a couple of grand there. My wife didn’t know about these.
I depleted them all last couple of months. The money that I hadn’t touched for many years, now gone.
I even cashed in my American Express reward points for 350 euros. How sad is that? I’ve been accumulating these points for like 10 years. All gone on one bad call.

No, come January 1, I don’t have 1500 euros to pay the immediate bills. This is the first time in like 20 years that it happened.
I will get 1500 from someone and then pay it back later, but just that thought that I brought this onto myself…

And the work is very slow. And I mean very slow. I make less than 50% of what I was making last year. Maybe even only 30%. And in face of that I depleted my savings. Good job, i should really tap myself on the shoulder.

[velvet]

Hi Jansdad
I cannot tell you what to do but I can tell you is what it is like to hear that a CG loved one has gambled.

When I was eventually told it was hell on earth BUT with understanding and support from those who understood ‘my’ position I learned to cope. My CG could not give me that understanding anymore than I could understand him at that time.

It is my belief that many CGs labour under the misapprehension that they have kept their secret safe. I didn’t know it was a gambling addiction that was damaging my relationship but I did know that my CG was one of the unhappiest people I knew – and that hurt me.

It was in Gamanon that I found my salvation. It learned that although I couldn’t save him I could make a difference to me and ultimately to him. It was seeing the effort he made to overcome his addiction that made all the difference to both of us.

You are trying to change your life and I can hear that in your posts – I believe the more support you get the greater your hope of success will be. On this site we have the Friends and Family forum and I also facilitate the Friends and Family group. If you do brave the storm, which I think you will agree would be an understandable reaction on your wife’s part, maybe you could ask her to come on our forum or go into the closed F&F group where I would be delighted to welcome and support her.

Your post implies that your wife knows you have a problem and has stood by you before and maybe this is why you feel she would not do it again but it is my belief that those of us who love CGs cope better knowing the full truth about the addiction rather than hearing explanations from our loved ones that we cannot comprehend.

I know that you neither asked for your addiction nor wanted it, nor deserved it but does your wife know that? F&F take the pain that the addiction inflicts on them personally – they think they have failed. I know it is not personal, I know I did not fail and that knowledge has helped me.

In my opinion, it is essential that the CG is supported in changing their life but the non-CG cannot know this unless they are in the picture. My CG has changed his life so I know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled but I also know that there is no cure. I therefore live with knowledge of the addiction but it doesn’t dictate my happiness anymore.

Whatever you decide to do I hope you will keep posting. Forget a tap on the shoulder, I am thumping you on yours – a wonderful gamble-free life awaits you if you grab it with both hands and don’t let go.

I wish you well

Velvet

[jansdad]

Thanks Velvet. Today is my #1 as I last gambled yesterday around 4am.

It’s way too early in my “recovery” to jump into conclusions. I do know I have to draw a line and I do know that I have to say goodbye to past losses and that I will never win back what I lost gambling. All that money is gone and I cannot win it back gambling. All I can do from this point on is not lose more. And if I manage that – it will be an amazing accomplishment.

I made a deal with myself. If I gamble again I will tell my wife. I will just have to tell her, for if you lose even a small amount of money, there will be no way around it. There will be no way for me to hide it.
Maybe I’m postponing the inevitable or maybe I’m kidding myself, but this time I somehow feel differently than all the other times when I “stopped” gambling.

We’ll see. Too early to say anything and I am a long way from home.

Thank you again Velvet

[jansdad]

Day #2 so far so good. The night is young though.

My brain tried to trick me that only if I played responsibly and only the limit I can afford and if I only played my A game and only played when I’m well rested I could actually win at poker.
But I quickly discarded these thoughts as it never worked in the past and couldn’t possible work in the future.

[Anonymous]

Well fine Jansdad.. U are right . Ur brain was trying to trick u. I have a brain right now which is actively planning to gamble ..to gamble my peace of mind and my happiness… The only limit for us CGs is when the money runs out… And even then many go to desperate extremes gamble..
U made the right decision!! Day 2 is really good.. The first days are really hard!!

[jansdad]

You know, I believe, maybe I am naive, but I believe that as long as we have to fight it – we’re doing something wrong.
I think it is possible to reprogram our brain and see gambling for what it really is and not have the cravings any more.

I recently read a book by Alan Carr – The Easy Way to Stop Gambling and it kind of reinforced what I already thought. If you’re fighting it – you’re doing something wrong.

There’s a lot of pep-talk in the book, but the book has a lot of valid points nevertheless.

[charles]

Hi Jansdad,

It’s never easy to tell someone but there is one way I know that can help.

I am sure that your partner, like my family, has heard it all before? All the promises, some meant some not, all the “never agains” etc. There is no reason for them to believe them now either. What we can do tho is not just present the problem; we can show them what we are going to do to deal with it. Financial accountability, self exclusion, show them this site or that we are getting to GA meetings etc.

The actions that will help us stop gambling are the same actions that will help start rebuild the trust of those around us. the same actions that might make family etc think “Hey, maybe he means it this time.”

Well done on 2 days but it sounds like your brain is already playing tricks on you?

“I made a deal with myself. If I gamble again I will tell my wife.”

Why give yourself permission to gamble again before taking some steps that you know will help?

Keep posting.

[jansdad]

Thanks for your input Charles. I guess you’re right on many levels, but let’s just say I’ve decided to spare my wife the anger (and spare myself having to deal with it of course) for now at least. If I never gamble again I will probably be ok in a couple of months. That (that I will never gamble again) is in no way certain, but I want to give myself a shot at it.
#3 going relatively good. I had some money hit my bank account today, but I immediately paid some January bills in order to get rid of it and not be tempted.

I’d really like to get to the point, as I wrote in my previous post, where I won’t have any cravings to gamble, rather than fight the urges all the time. I did think about gambling for a moment today and I didn’t give in. But I’d love to get to the point where I won’t even have ANY desire to gamble whatsoever. Rather than exercising strong will and not giving in.

[jansdad]

Day #4 today. Was busy earlier so no thoughts about gambling. A little different now. Wife and kid visiting friends and am alone now. But don’t feel the urge. Will probably watch this new show I found about yesterday on Netflix “the blacklist”. Kinda amusing.

I can’t rely on my will power. I know that for a fact. Few people can, most can’t. There has to be a way to eliminate cravings.
Obstacles help and have saved me in the past. But every so often I would go back to my old ways. And I want to change that.
Like, I don’t drink. And I don’t have urges to drink even when I am at a bar or surrounded with all kinds of alcohol. It does nothing to me. Where an alcoholic would probably have a hard time resisting temptation. I’d like to get to the same point with gambling. I don’t want to go through life knowing the beast is lurking in the shadows of my subconsciousness and to fear when it will strike again.
I don’t even remember how it was to be a non-gambler, I’ve been gambling too long, since I was a kid. But I know there are people out there who never gambled and are fine with that. They don’t have to leave their credit cards at home, they don’t have to ban themselves from different casinos, they don’t need to play. Just like i don’t need to drink alcohol.
Granted they’re not addicted to gambling and i am, I know that. But I’m sure, or rather I think and i certainly hope, there’s a way to “reprogram” our brain and become a true non-gambler.

[jansdad]

Day #5 today. Just checking in. So far so good. Trying to occupy myself with work.

[Anonymous]

Well done Jansdad!! Day 5 is brilliant!!
I hope you can reprogram your brain but in the meantime keep your barriers/ obstacles high ( that’s what i used to call them too before I realised this was a problem that affects lots of people)!

I kinda think if someone can learn to play the piano , or drive or type without thinking , our brains can be reprogrammed. But I’m not sure if it works the same with addiction but I would like to try.

I have read somewhere that to do so you need to keep reading about gambling all the time!!
I wonder if there is a way to associate gambling with punishment rather than reward.?
Like every time u think of gambling bang your fingers in the door (arghh..!’)
Maybe a good hypnotist could so this for us .

And all the time Im writing this my brain when it thinks I am by focused is planning a trip to the casino .. It wants to be there now. So for now it’s barriers!!!

[jansdad]

Day #6 today.

Yeah, you’re right. “reprogramming” and other “high-level” stuff is fine, but keep your barriers in place in the mean time 🙂

God, I’ve lost so much, it makes me sick to even think about it.
I’m in Ukraine now, people work here for 200 euros a month. I had a bad run here (after a good run) a couple of weeks ago where I lost 5K in 2 hours. That’s like 2 years worth of work for a lot of the people here.
I feel so bad and so very guilty, I’d like to beat myself up.

[Anonymous]

Hi Jansdad. Read through your thread. We are a lot alike. Well I guess all of us CGs are a like in one way or another. I wasted over 25 years of my life, over a million $. (stopped counting, cause it makes me sick) the lost time that is the worst. All the gambling binge hangovers! Ugggh! You seem to be very intelligent and on the right path. I believe I am on the same one. God, I hope I get it right because the alternative sucks! Best to you !

[jansdad]

Thanks jen. On day #7 now. A scary thing happened last night. I was tucked in my bed and all of a sudden I had cravings to gamble. They were not really intense (I mean God knows I had worse), but they were there. I didn’t give in to the temptation but I was scared of what had transpired. I tried to rationalize with myself, first of all I don’t have money online, the most I could get online is $200. Second, I lost so much last couple of months and it’s extremely unlikely if not impossible to win back even a portion of the money I lost, with $200.
And not only that, but I would almost certainly lose the $200

But then I had this scary thought: it doesn’t matter if you lose the $200, you’ll still have a blast. It is worth paying $200 for that.

I was frighten big time by that thought.
In other words this is how bad it has gotten with me. I want to gamble even if I’m 100% sure I will lose. I no longer want to gamble hoping (albeit irrationally and against all odds) to win money, but I want to gamble just for the sake of it and I am ‘ready’ to pay a price for it.

Shocking!

[Anonymous]

I know exactly what you mean. Gambling is no longer about the money. Lost money is just a consequence of gambling. Ugggh!

[jansdad]

Jen, I dug out another story that you may find “funny”. I emailed this to a friend a couple of years ago. Here it goes:

Did I tell you how we were gonna buy a car before our kid got born. We thought we would need a car with a baby coming and we decided to buy a nice 2nd hand car. We wanted something for up to 250K czk, but my wife gave me 300K just in case – the money was in her account (we had already kept money in her account for obvious reasons). She gave me the money a few days before we went to the hospital. I stayed with her at the hospital, we had a private room where I could sleep too, special care, dedicated doctor etc. It was nice and quite inexpensive. Anyway, my wife spent 4 days at the hospital before the doctor finally decided on caesarian. In the mean time, I would go home every day for a few hours to take care of things. And when I was done ‘taking care of things’ I would inevitably start playing a little. Short and dreadful story even shorter, I lost it all, ok. I mean the car money. It was all gone. I think I lost 50K the first day which was bad, but not terrible cos we were gonna buy something for up to 250K czk anyway. I lost another 50K the second day which was terrible, but not horrible, since I could still get a decent car for 200K. And the 3rd day I lost the rest.
I went back to the hospital and my wife gave birth the next day. It wasn’t until 2 days later that they brought her back to our room from intensive care. So, we’re sitting there, 3 of us, my wife, our new born baby boy and my good self. And for no apparent reason and something that struck me as out of the blue question, and one I was totally unprepared for, my wife asked me where’re we at as far as buying a car goes.
And maybe because she looked so weak and fragile after the operation or maybe because she had just given birth to my boy, I decided not to lie through my teeth as I usually would and deal with the problem later, but to tell her the truth. I told her I had lost the money gambling and that she should give me more money should we still want a car. Big mistake. Then, stupidly, I added, adding salt to the open injury, that I was running really bad, blaming it on bad luck thus. Even a bigger mistake.
She started crying bitterly clinging our baby to her chest. My wife laughs now when she tells that story to people, but I still shiver when I think of that. Right at that moment this fucking nurse walks in and sees my wife sobbing. She started comforting my wife throwing nasty looks at me. She must have thought I was mean or rude to my wife or something. It was horrible, absolutely horrible. And we stayed at that hospital for another 7 days till my wife healed and I had to face that nurse and her disapproving looks almost every day. Boy, was that unpleasant.

[Anonymous]

I crack up reading this, not because its funny but it reminds me of so many stories. Always funny after the fact, but at the time not so funny. This addiction Is hidous!!! Some of the crap I did and survived. When will I learn? One minute I dispise gambling the next minute I am planning my next adventure. I wonder what life would b like if I had not gambled to the extreme. I guess I will never know until I Stop. Here is a story for you. One time my dad gave me some gold coins to sell for him. It turned out he gave me 35,000 plus in coins. I sold some here, some there. I lost all of the money!!!! I had to win it back. Believe it or not I did and I paid him, but somehow after my “hail Mary” I lost all of that and than some. All the accounts I cleaned out just ridiculous!!!!! One nightmare after another. We always want to stop but as soon as the misery clears we are right back at it. Lord please help me win my life back!

[jansdad]

You’re right jen. We always want to stop, but very soon we forget all the horror we went through once the misery clears. For some reason that horrible feeling doesn’t linger in our mind.

Day #8 today. I came close to giving in today at one point. I reasoned that I will only play $0.25 – $0.50 PLO game (a low limit poker game), a game I can no doubt beat if I play my A game.
And I would have given in, no doubt, but then I realized that even if I did play my A game and stick to that limit I would only be making a couple of dollars per hour. So what’s the point? And most likely I would get bored and go to much higher limits and lose thousands or tens of thousands if I continued.
So, I didn’t play today. But the fact that I seriously considered it is very upsetting.

[Anonymous]

Good for you! I understand 150%. I was actually at the casino today for a work function. I did not gamble. My mind jumped back and forth. “I hate this casino” “I miss this casino” ” I can’t control my gambling” “I can control it” hahaha. If I could control it… Why would I have went through 3 one year bans? Not to mention the million and a half plus dollars. Either way I walked out feeling good. I walked out with what I walked in with and I have nothing to chase tomorrow. I know I have my work cut out for me but hey…. I made it through today. Best to you! If we put 1/8th of the energy into not gambling that we put into gambling……. I think “we got this!!!!!” You are in my thoughts and prayers! Here is to day 9!

[Anonymous]

Hi Jansdad, I have kept up to date with this thread for some reason and I do believe you know it is possible for you to live gambling free.

I am quite shocked though at the post above telling the tale of when your wife was in hospital and you gambled away your car money.Not shocked at the deceitfulness of your actions, but shocked that you can laugh at this. It may well have been unpleasant for you at that time getting disapproving looks from a particular nurse, but nothing compared to what your wife must have been feeling.

Anyway I wasn’t really posting to pass comment on that, sadly and sickly that is the typical rational of a CG; selfish and oblivious to the feelings and thoughts of others.

Its good to see you are on day 8 but not so good to see that you havn’t mentioned any steps that you are taking to keep yourself gamble free. I think we have all been in your position and we know how very difficult it is.

In answer to a question you posed earlier in this thread I also believe we can learn “not to gamble” but that it will happen over a period of many years. Before we learn how to live without gambling I think we need to learn how live again, how to be honest, how to think straight and how to deal with our feelings and emotions.

I dont fight gambling urges very well at all, thankfully Ive learned how to live life without them.

In my own experience gambling had become a crutch for me to get through life, as well as an escape, my “safe place” for when life got too tough. What ever it took I would gamble at any price, sod the consequences, I would gamble. I have learned though that by dealing with lifes issues, or at least talking about them I dont get bogged down with worries, I have a much clearer mind and dont need to escape.

Its good youve found this place and you can share, but I must admit that if you go to bed and weigh up the pros and cons of a gambling session, you are allowing gambling to lead you in to temptation. Full credit to you for not gambling there is no reason why you should. But please for your own sake get some barriers in place. Fundamental barriers like giving all of your atm cards to your wife or a friend.

If you havnt got all your bill money for this/next month that is tough..but you will have to face up to the people you owe and come to some sort of repaymnent plan with them.

I can only express my own opinion in an effort to support you and in my opinion I would reckon that if you really really want to stop gambling you would concentrate your efforts on finding a counsellor (I think GT can help with this).

You can change but in order to do so you really must be honest with yourself above all else. Your wife also needs support for herself if shes suffered at the hands of your gambling for years, you owe it to her to be honest. Tell her you last gambled 8 days ago, by hiding it you arent being honest with her shes your wife and really dosn’t deserve this.

Wishing you every success.

Geordie.

[jansdad]

Thanks for your input Geordie. The problem is that “typical” barriers don’t really do it for me. I’m fairly computer savvy and we have at least half a dozen computers and other devices I could play on if I really wanted to. I can also get money online from one of the many professional gamblers I know.

There was a time, a few years actually when I was making handsome money playing poker and my wife knows that. Just like I know that I have no business playing nowadays because I can no longer win. But yes, the urge is still there from time to time. And yes, today I thought about playing the low limits again, but I won’t (at least I’m fairly confident that I won’t, but the night is still young). I will do some work instead.

I don’t know why I want to gamble. I know fully well that I cannot win and I know it’s a tremendous waste of money and time. I know it takes toll on my health, my relationships, my parenthood and my life in general.

And you’re right there’s no reason for me to gamble. You’re also right that I didn’t really think about how my wife felt when I lost that car-money. I was only concerned with the unpleasantness I was faced with. Even now I feel more sorry about me than about her when it comes to that particular event.

Day #9 today

[charles]

When are you going to email those “professional gamblers” telling them you plan to stop gambling and asking them not to lend you any money in the future under any circumstances?

[jansdad]

Yes, I know I should do that. I actually did it in the past and they honored it. I asked this one guy not to loan me money till the end of the year and he would not budge on December 20 when I asked him.
It’s not that I’m embarrassed to ask again, I’m not. I just want to see how far I get on my own.

I really wish I could get to the point where I would have the same feelings towards gambling as I have towards alcohol. I never drank and I have no desire to drink no matter the circumstances. My wife drinks wine and sometimes, maybe once a week, I sip half of her glass, but I absolutely have no desire to drink more. You could lock me up in a liqueur store and I would not drink. I just don’t like alcohol. And for the life of me I don’t know why I like gambling so much.

[jansdad]

Just checking in, day #10 today. I wish I was confident as I was first couple of days, but I’m hanging in there. Coming here and reading posts helps.
I can’t win gambling/playing poker etc, I have to keep repeating that to myself.

[Anonymous]

It’s so hard. They say it gets easier after 90 days. My last go round I made it just shy of 90 days. Than blew 3800 in a few days, Not to mention the time lost and the “gambling hangover” it’s only a little over a week and the little voice inside my head tells me I can gamble. I just have to be careful. I crack myself up!!!! In all the crazy thoughts I really want to know what it’s like to live g free. I guess there is only one way to find out. (A hell of a lot easier said than done) hang in there!

[jansdad]

I just watched 2 hours worth of netflix shows, hoping I would get tired and ready to sleep. But I still have a fairly big urge. I better shut down the computer down before I do something stupid.
Coming to this forum helps. For now.

[jansdad]

Day #11

I noticed that the cravings only happen in the evening and late at night nowadays. I had to fight my urge to gamble last night (actually a few last nights) and then in the morning I would wake up and not understand why I wanted to gamble.
Maybe it’s because I’m more busy during the day. Not sure.

I wish everyone a Happy New Year. Wish you all a lot of health and happiness!

[velvet]

Hi Jansdad
Just a thought – if your wife ‘knew’ that you were struggling in the evening and late at night she could support you. Loved ones can be very difficult when they are blinded by ignorance – when they are kept in the dark how can they know how to behave? .
Your wife is affected by what you do and who you are but because she is in unaware she cannot ‘choose’ to support you and thereby support herself also. Are you afraid that, if you tell her, the door you are holding slightly ajar will be closed?
I wish you health and happiness in 2015 and I look forward to you closing the stable door to keep the horse safe from bolting.
Velvet

[jansdad]

Day #12 today. Was ready to give in last night after we came from the city center and my wife and my kid went to bed. Would have been a hell of a way to start a new year.
Then I stopped to think and I realized it would never be “only this one time”. I would almost certainly start gambling every day, or until I lost everything I have available.
I had a friend wire me 3K euros at 2% a month so I can pay coming bills.
Anyway, I didn’t play, I came here instead, then watched a show on Netflix and went to bed.

[lizbeth4]

HI Jansdad, You made a very wise decision in not gambling. Way to go! Once is never enough for us! This is a new year and a new start. Keep thinking like that! It was really hard for me to come clean with others in my life about my gambling but it was freeing. It also made me more accountable for my actions. Just a thought. Take care and Happy New Year’s to you and your family.

[jansdad]

Thanks Lizbeth. Happy New Year to you too.
Day #13 today. Was traveling today, so not too many gambling thoughts. Some though.

I know it takes one lapse and all the effort is for nothing and all the money gone.
I mustn’t let that happen.

[jansdad]

Hi Vera. No, she does not. Just like she doesn’t know about my last month’s gambling spree… 🙁
I mean it is what it is. I’ve decided to spare her the bad news (actually spare myself the aggravation).
And yes, you’re right, I too have lost a lot having secret stashes…

Day #14 today.

[Anonymous]

Sick as our secrets… How true….. I have so many ways to get money and so many friends. I am not here to judge, cause like u, I can do this on my own, I will not take you down with me. Hell once again as always I just blew 3200.00, a weekend with my son and how I will get out of this nightmare??? No clue! I want to die! Good luck!!!! Keep countin the days. Nothing works for me!!! I literally hate myself!!! Hate! Hate! Hate! Sorry to vent on your page. I feel like I lost the fight all together! Nothing left to fight for!

[killingit2015]

Hey Jen,

I just read through this post – I just made the commitment to kick the habit again, only on day 4.

I can relate to you because the amounts I have blown on a night out look the same as what I used to. Can I ask how are you still having access to this level of cash?

I used to have a bunch of cards with me that gave me access to around $4,000 at a time. I finally got the courage to cut them up, opened up a new account and only kept in about $200 at a time – that seemed to lessen the damage somewhat.

Have you put any measures in place to limit your cash access? IMO that should be one of the first steps if your serious about stopping.

Also as I mentioned in my post I read Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Stop Gambling as this poster has mentioned. It had a massive impact on me and has definitely changed my perspective.

It’s never too late to stop, don’t let it consume you. Make yourself some small goals for the next few months. I know you know all this already, but I just wanted to give you some encouragement. I’ve been there too many times to count after a big loss and I know that terrible hangover, it’s bloody painful. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Hi Jansdad, well done on four days gamble free . It is a difficult addiction to beat but you are doing it.

[Anonymous]

Thanks Sad. I have no credit cards. I use my bank card and it always gives me way more than I have. I tell them to lower the limit but all I do is end up calling and asking to raise. I am going to ask them to give me no access to cash just a small limit for gas etc. I will read the book. I just can’t take this anymore. Why do we put ourselves in such messes.” If you always do what you always done, you will always have what you always got!” I have to get this through my sick head!!!

[jansdad]

You should definitely read that book Jen. I got some spare credits on audible.com so if you’re fond of audio books I can send you a copy and you can listen to it. Just email me at …. ***Email Removed for safety reasons***

I’m on day #15 today. Didn’t even think about gambling today, mostly due to having a busy day and packing up for tomorrow, we’re going back home after a long holiday.

[Anonymous]

I was trying to find that book online but could only find the no smoking one. I will send you an email. I can’t wait to read it. I have to do something diffrent.

[jansdad]

Day #16 today. I dream of 3 digit counts here. Long way from home.

Goodnight all.

[jansdad]

Day #17 today. Feeling good. No urges. It’s no that I don’t think about gambling, but last couple of days when I do think about it it’s like “what the hell was I doing?”

We’ll see how it goes. Still way too premature to congratulate myself or even get my hopes up.

Wish you all a peaceful evening.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the book!! I finished it. I can’t believe how I feel right now. I feel like a big weight off my shoulders. I know it’s only day 3 for me but I am looking at this completely diffrent than I ever did before. Thanks again and good job on the g free days. Keep it up!

[Anonymous]

Day 17 already. Seventeen consecutive days without any gambling thats great. No one on this forum or at any GA will have done better than that , dosnt matter if that person may be 20 years without a bet they havnt gambled for the last seventeen days and neither have you you are on par with many other recovering addicts. Is there any reason why you should gamble today, or any other, for that matter. One single day at a time thats all it is, one day, you’ve done the last 17 back to back that is terriffic. I dont know how many days I’ve gone without gambling, the only day that ever concerns me with respect to gambling is today. It dosn’t concern me too much though because I know that just for today I wont gamble because to do so not only jeopardises my life it also puts in to jeopardy the lives of those I love and those that love me, its a non brainer. I dont know how I’ll feel towards it tomorrow or next week but today I feel the same about it as I did yesterday, it dosnt excite me, it dosn’t interest me its done more harm to me and my family than anyone could possibly imagine. Today I knew the chances of me gambling were the same as the chances of me committing a high school massacre; It wasnt going to happen.

Please dont doubt yourself, take pride in yourself for what you have done so far, for a compulsive gambler to get through one day can be tough but it is also a great achievement whether its day 1 day 17 or day 9856.

I must say though I think you still have one or two doors to gambling left open maybe you might be wise enough to close these now.

Personally I think not telling your wife about your last gambling session is a huge mistake that you might regret in the future, I think telling her would be great for your recovery and for hers. I just know that marriages and loving relationships should be built around trust. You are a recovering addict now so why continue exercising the traits of a deceitful active gambling addict, this dosnt demonstrate any changes to your wife, she is just seeing the same you as she has for years. Like I say thats my opinion and at the end of the day it is your choice to make.

Nice to read your daily progress though.

One day at a time.

Take care.

[jansdad]

Thank you for your input Geordie. What I’ve learned during my long long gambling addiction is that there’s no one right way to tackle it. We’re all different and although we share the same addiction and our stories are similar, there’s no universal way in combating it.

I also learned that if I have to fight the urge, I’m not doing it right. I know I will lose that fight sooner than later. ‘One day at a time’ might work for you and many others, but it doesn’t for me. For me it doesn’t really matter so much if I gamble 30 days a month or 2 days a month. I will lose maximum I could possibly lose for a given time period.
And fighting my cravings for 2 weeks and then finally giving in is no better than gambling every day and losing the same amount in the end.
But that’s me, everyone’s different.

Some things, like blocking access to funds and banning ourselves from casinos, are universal of course and are a must.
But tricking our brains successfully into not playing as opposed to having our brain trick us into playing is what varies and is probably different from cg to cg.

I wanted to gamble on January 1 around 3am when my wife and kid went to sleep. I really had a strong urge and I was sure I would play. I mean what kind of a compulsive gambler wants to gamble a couple of hours into a new year, when most people only start taking their vows and new year resolutions? But luckily I had uninstalled all gambling software and the prospect of reinstalling it triggered this thought in my mind that I really shouldn’t be doing it, that there’s no point in it. Instead I came to this forum, read a couple of posts and then shut down my computer.

I’ve been ok for the last couple of days and I had no cravings. Even when I thought about gambling it was like I couldn’t understand that I had been a slave to it for so long.
But I’m not kidding myself. I’m very wary. I’m not congratulating myself and I’m not tapping myself on the shoulder. I’m ok now and I hope I stay this way, but it’s too early to celebrate.

That book by Allen Carr helped me, I read it 3 times and then gambled extensively after the last time I read it. But it finally starts to sink in now, I think. We will see.

Only at day #18 today.

[Anonymous]

I am so thankful that you sent me that book. I will agree that we are all compulsive gamblors but what works for one might not necessarially work for another. We have to find what works for us. I believe that what I got out of the book will work for me. I wish I would of read it years ago, but what is done is done and I am greatful to have stumbled upon it now, before suffering anymore misery. I know for someone who has the worst track record for “stoping gambling” I sure am confident, but again the info in the book suits me! Thanks again! Here’s to day 19!!

[jansdad]

Checking in, day #19 today

Starting to feel much better both physically and mentally. Gambling takes so much from us. We lose so much more than money.

[p]

19 days well done… keep going.. 🙂

[jansdad]

Thanks. Day #20 today. I didn’t think this would happen (although I could have expected it), but I do have cravings today. Haven’t had any for a few days, but now they’re back.

Probably because I watched a friend play poker online. Can I really be so sick that even watching other people gamble makes me want to do the same. After all the horrible things gambling has done to me?
The truth is I love gamblers, I love socializing with them and being around them. They don’t judge you, they don’t have prejudices, they’re generally a nice, fun bunch.

But I know it my heart of hearts that I have to give up that aspect too if I want to be gambling free. I know there’s no way I can hang out with those people and not gamble, not give in to my urges with them around. It’s just impossible to be around gamblers and not gamble if you’re a cg.

[jansdad]

I really have a big urge now to play “just once”. The only thing keeping me at bay is that I know all too well it will NEVER be “just once”.

[Anonymous]

Hi Jansdad, I can’t understand why anyone who seriously wants to give up gambling would want to watch somebody else doing it. Maybe that time would have been better spent getting some help for yourself sorted out. I’m pleased that you know now it’s something that you will have to avoid.

But hey ho, as you said in your previous post we all have to find our own way through this. Just because getting ongoing support and living each day as it comes works successfully for thousands of recovering addicts throughout the world, dosnt mean it will work for you. (Personally I think it will work for you if you tried, you’ve gotten to day 20 one day at a time)!

“The truth is I love gamblers, I love socializing with them and being around them. They don’t judge you, they don’t have prejudices, they’re generally a nice, fun bunch.”
People who are recovering from any addiction, including gambling, can be the most sincere and genuinely decent people you can come across and the above descriptors do apply, however problem gamblers and compulsive gamblers in denial or in action I’ve found can be the most arrogant and vile people and that certainly applied to me whilst I was gambling. Low life scum is how I would describe myself looking back to the times I gambled.

What is there to love about people who lie cheat and steal?

Maybe you’ve never sunk to the depths that I and many others have sunken to in order to feed our gambling habit, and you’re very fortunate if that’s the case, and it’s really great that you’ve come looking for help before its gone that far.

You said in an earlier post;
“ For me it doesn’t really matter so much if I gamble 30 days a month or 2 days a month. I will lose maximum I could possibly lose for a given time period.”
I can’t agree with that either. You still have your wife and family, a home, a job and,” at least half a dozen computers and other devices I could play on if I really wanted to.” Personally I don’t think you’ve ever lost the maximum you could but I think if you don’t make your current abstinence the foundation for a sound recovery then you aren’t too far away from doing so.

Getting through each day without gambling is a great achievement for any of us but having a frequent struggle with urges and cravings is no fun and that’s not what lifes about.

I downloaded the book by Allen Carr you and Jen have mentioned and read the first couple of chapters, this book might help you and I with our recoveries but I don’t think it will by salvation for any compulsive gambler.
I know that my gambling saturated every aspect of my life, I would be utterly consumed by it, the chaos in my life gambling brought wouldn’t disappear only because I changed the way I thought. I havn’t read the whole book yet but I am enjoying it, but I know it dosn’t hold all the answers, well not for me anyway.

You may think I’m having “a go” at you, that is not the case. Like every one of us there is a chance you will never gamble again. You obviously do have the ability to stop gambling when all your cash is gone so therefore you are not completely powerless against it. I don’t know why I chose to post on your thread in the first place I’ve read thousands of threads on here over the years I used to post on lots, especially the ones similar to yours (which I think is oozing with denial), nevertheless I’m not posting here to antagonise you I’m posting here because I’d like to think I can help and support you.

Day 20 but still no mention of any positive steps you are taking to keep gambling at a distance, please pull your finger out or maybe you will end up at the end of the road to ruin, and it aint nice there.

I walked the road to ruin for over 30 years, currently I think I’m getting a taxi back to where I started; a gambling free life. One day at a time of course.

[Anonymous]

Why would you want to play “just once” what is it going to give you, what has it ever given you. Gambling has f****d you over time and time and time again.

Get into one of the online support chatrooms they can and often do help, and they dont cost you anything other than time.

[Anonymous]

Have you done these things yet?

“Some things, like blocking access to funds and banning ourselves from casinos, are universal of course and are a must.”

Your own words, it would make it a lot lot harder for you.

[jansdad]

Hey geordie, thank you for your words and input. And no worries, I don’t think you’re having a go at me, and even if you did I’m a big boy I can take a punch or two. Anyway, I’m sure your intentions are nothing but positive.

And you’re right, I haven’t lost the maximum I could. Not for the last 20 years anyway. I haven’t been forced to start selling my stuff to feed my gambling addiction, I never stole anything, I still have my family, my bills are paid on time and often in advance (this month is actually first time in 20 years that I actually had to borrow some money to pay my bills), but everything else, everything above and beyond (or most of it) I did manage to gamble away.
I know that a lot of people had gambling take away from them a lot more. And I know it could have or almost certainly would have happened to me as well, 20 years ago, but I got lucky. 20 years ago I was a young kid spending my entire days in Casino in Amsterdam. I had emigrated there 5 years before, I waited tables every day and then gambled my daily pay in the evening. Day in day out. I rented a room, but when I no longer was able to pay for it I moved to a squat. Eventually I got fired from the restaurant where I worked and there were months when I had nothing to eat. At one point I weighed 62kg and I’m over 190cm tall. I was really in a bad shape. People looked down on me everywhere I went, except, well I’m sure you guessed it, in the casino. Everyone I knew there was nice to me.
Then one day a guy I knew from the casino offered me a job and I started making a lot of money. It was like 20 times more than what I was surviving on up to that point. It was so much money for me back then that the limits that I had been playing were no longer interesting. I mean even if I was extremely, extremely lucky, I would win less than what I was making in one week, so there was no point for me to gamble on roulette, black jack etc. Luckily I didn’t start playing higher limits, I quit casino games altogether and concentrated on poker instead.

But before that I was heading to a complete disaster. I was late on my rent, I was about to get evicted, I owed friends money, I had nothing to eat. Once, after a nice win I bought a new computer only to sell it for 40 cents on the dollar 2 weeks later… It was horrible.

Ever since I pay my bills in advance and I have stashes in different places that I don’t have easy access to (sadly I depleted them all last couple of months).
The only reason my bills were not paid in advance now is that it was the end of the year and the landlady does not want me to pay in advance for the following year as it messes up her accounting. And then, surprise, surprise I lost that money and some more towards the end of last year.

Anyway poker was good to me for over a decade. I was able to win in spite of tilting and steaming, in spite of playing badly quite often. The other players were even worse. But then it changed around 2007-2008 and I started losing bitterly at poker.

So, yes, maybe you can say I haven’t reached the rock bottom, but I know it could happen and I’m well aware a couple of bad turns and I could end up homeless. I always knew that. Even when I was making tons of money I was fully aware how quickly could everything change.

To answer your question, I did block all my accounts, but almost everyone I know is a gambler. Some are really solid guys, some others are desperate losers who live by “misery loves company” and I could borrow one of their accounts and play on it any time I like. Also, even if I don’t have access to my own funds, I can ask one of the many gamblers I know for a loan. If you really want to, there’re always ways to gamble.

My ultimate goal is to get to the point where I don’t gamble because I don’t have a desire to. Just like I don’t drink alcohol. I know it’s different because I’ve never been alcoholic, I never even drank alcohol and I AM a CG. But I dream of getting to the point where I will have no desire whatsoever.

And I know if I rely on my will power not to gamble or do it “just this one day” at a time, I will soon lose that battle. I know I have to trick/reprogram or whatever you want to call it my brain differently.

So, getting ongoing support and living each day as it comes works out for thousands…
I have no reason to doubt that this is so, but it still proves very little. We don’t know how many people have tried it and failed. If it works for thousands but tens of thousands fail at it, then it’s obviously not for everyone.

What will work for us depends on myriad factors. How addicted we are, how long we have been addicted, our personal circumstances, our personality, our education, intellect, background, our habbits, discipline etc. etc. etc.

They build billion dollar casinos with money from people who swore up and down they will never gamble again. I must have sworn a hundred times I will not gamble again. It never worked. A few times I solemnly promised myself I will never gamble again only to gamble 10 minutes later when a friend came online and I was able to get money from him. Some of my solemn and most sincere promises only lasted 10 minutes. How sick is that?

Day #21 today. Feeling a lot more confident than yesterday

[Anonymous]

Another day gambling free is behind you, three full weeks so full credit to you for that.

Ive just finished a 17 hr day at work, so must keep it brief.

I appreciate your honesty about the past, and I cant dis-agree with too much that you’ve written in this post.

But would like to point out that even if hundreds of thousands of people have tried it and failed, I think that is down to the individuals involved and not the method. Many fail only to try again and do eventually get into a great recovery..to the place you want to be..living without the desire to gamble. I know that I must be on at least my 10th serious attempt in the last 5 years, that dosnt mean it dosn’t work, it means I havnt stuck to it. Currently I do live without the desire to gamble and I am confident that so long as I do keep doing the things I am then theres no reason that should change. Ever.

I do not believe I am cured, not for one second do I think that, but the “one day at a time and ongoing support” method is the only method I have ever known to work for anybody. All the people I have met over the years at various GA’s and support groups who have been many years without gambling have gotten to 5, 10 or even 20 years by living one day at a time with ongoing support.

Lets be honest no one will know if they’ve managed to live “the rest of their lives” gambling free until they’re dead and gone.

I know that I would have been dead and gone a long time ago if I hadn’t have taken a “leap of faith” and made a real serious attempt to stop.

You say above, ” I must have sworn a hundred times I will not gamble again. It never worked.” We’ve all done exactly the same, it never does work. Thats where the ongoing support is vital, but there is never any need to commit to never gambling again, it serves no purpose to do so really.

Anyway enough said I have my views and go about my recovery my way, I do appreciate we are all different and at the end of the day you, I, (and many others), have all succeeded in getting through the last three weeks without wasting any time or money gambling. I’m just pleased I managed it without getting any urges or cravings.

I’m at work very early again tomorrow and for the next 5 days so my posts will be a bit thin on the ground, hope you continue to post though.

Do you ever go in any of the support groups on this site? It would be nice to “chat” with you in real time, I think Thursday will be the next time I do, be good to see you.

Cheers.

Geordie.

[jansdad]

Thanks Geordie again, for your time and input. I appreciate it. I’m on day #22 today and feeling good. Still wary and uncertain and in no mood for celebration. I’ve decided I’ll count the days here every day till the day 100 (if I ever get that far, that is) and after that once a week.
I guess I’ll never be cured and, as you say, will have to be cautious till the end of my life. Last year my eyes started being quite dry and I went to an ophthalmologist. After examining me the doctor prescribed some eye drops. I asked her how long should be using these and she said “till the rest of your life, probably” 🙂
So, yes, it’s just something I’ll have to live with. Knowing that I will always be a CG, but at the same time I CAN live gamble free.

Will be glad to talk to you in real time. What time Thursday? Actually, I will look on the schedule.

[jansdad]

Just checking in, day #23
No urges last couple of days. So far so good.

[jansdad]

Day #24 today. Still a long way from home, I know.

[WesternCanuck]

Keep up the good work jansdad! Keep posting as it certainly gives hope to the recently relapsed such as myself.

[jansdad]

Thanks Canuck. Day #25 today. Keeping myself busy, I’m well aware one lapse can take it all away from me.

[jansdad]

Hey Gordie. you mentioned you’d be online today. I’m not sure how real-time support groups work. I’m online now, text me if you’re around.

On day #26 today.

[Anonymous]

Hey JD I had to change my day off due to my driving hours, so I am not off work tomorrow if I had of been I would have been in the two support groups tonight. However I will still try and make either or both of the 20.00hrs or 21.00hrs groups tonight. (Uk times(its 17.40 now)).

Depends on my start time tomorrow (wont know that for an hour or two yet), if I have a 4 or 5am start I try not to go online the night before as you know yopu can end up spending too much time.

Click on the support groups tab at the top of this page and I’m sure you’ll figure out how to join the group. I’ve started reading The Easy Way to stop gambling and it would be good to “compare notes” ;-).

You are doing great by the way.

[jansdad]

OK, I will try and look for you after 8pm UK time tonight.
Regards.

[jansdad]

Day #27 today. Took part in one of the Support Groups yesterday. Was pretty good, they reinforce what i already knew but tend to forget so often – gambling leads to utmost misery.

Would recommend the Support Groups to all you new members here.

Also took the test at http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/ga/content/20-questions

Did VERY WELL 18/20 😀

They do make it way too easy to qualify though, you only need 7/20

[charles]

Hi JD, it was good to see you in the group yesterday.

Actually it’s only “easy” for someone with a gambling problem to qualify. Most normal gamblers out there would answer way less than seven if any at all.

Whilst they say “Most compulsive gamblers answer yes to at least 7” the sad fact is that by the time a compulsive gambler gets to the stage of seeking help they, like you and I, answer a lot more yeses than that.

See you again soon hopefully.

[Anonymous]

Pleased you went, sorry I couldnt make it. I’m not off now until Monday, cant see me being online much before then, sure we’ll catch up sooner or later. Hope you get to make a few more groups.

Cheers.

[p]

Its so good to see you are doing so well. Probably catch you in a group again one of these days when you are not so busy.. well done on your recovery journey.

P

[jansdad]

Yes, I will be joining groups again, so I’ll definitely see you there geordie and you too p.

One question on that list drew attention more than other questions:

“Did you often gamble until your last dollar was gone? ”

I mean, really??? What kind of question is that? Did I often? How about did I ever not gamble till my last dollar was gone?

I’ve been gambling for almost 3 decades and never, never was I able to leave a loser. I would either win and go home or gamble till I lost everything I had on me. Even during the years when I was actually winning at poker. I would either win for the day or play (and often step up if necessary) till I was even or more likely (and more often) lost everything I had online.
My bankroll management was the worst even when I was a winning player.

I mean have any of you been able to go to a casino with let’s say $300 in your pocket, lose $100 and happily go home?

I could never do that. And I mean NEVER. I remember one time in Amsterdam some 20 years ago I had a really good run and won 2K which was a tremendous amount of money for me back then. I had to meet a friend next day at 4pm and I had 2 hours to kill so I went to the casino again. Needless to say I had all the money I had previously won on me. I decided to take it easy and bet small amounts so I wouldn’t lose it all. Around 3.30pm I was down 40. I played a few more hands of BJ betting 10 a hand and by 3.45 I was still down 40.
It was time to go. But instead of cutting my losses (which were only 40) I decided to chase them. I bet 40 and I lost. Now I was down 80. I bet 80 and had 77 vs 5, so I split and then had to double down on one of the hands. Ended up with two stiff hands and the dealer made her hands. Now I was down 320 for the day and I thus bet 320. I had 20 vs dealers 8 and some idiot on the last box passes on 14 (notice how I blame others for my own stupidity). The dealer drew 3 and a 9 and we push. I could have been even right then and there, had it not been for the idiot on the last box.
I bet 320 again I lose. then I bet 500 which is the table maximum and lose again. Then I just gamble away the rest and go to meet my friend just in time.

So I lost 40 chasing 2000. Had I won 40 or even 100 less the previous day it would have mattered. But on the new day I just couldn’t take a loss no matter how small.

And these people are asking me did I OFTEN gamble till my last dollar was gone?

Come on. How about ALWAYS, without EVER failing.

Day #28 today

[Anonymous]

Hi Jansdad,I have just been catching up on your thread. Firstly well done on your gamble free time .. You are doing really well. I remember doing the 20 questions one time and I think I answered yes to everything except the the about illegal activity, although that too had crossed my mind.

I haven’t discussed my gambling with my husband either. If I can manage this on my own it is better for a host of reasons . You rightly say everyone’s journey is different and we never really know each others story .

Your point about it doesn’t matter now often we gamble makes sense. I have only had two “slips” since last summer but financially they were devastating. I think where it matters is how we feel.. The longer I stay gamble free the better I feel about myself and life.. I think it is the same for you .

The thing about these “slip was that it was when I was with my gambling buddies. I found I lost all my resolve when I was with them. I suppose it the old ” would you bring an alcoholic to a pub” situation.

Well done Jansdad . Your first few weeks in recovery have been very inspiring

[jansdad]

Thanks sad68. I’ve gone months without gambling before, but this is the first time that I do that on my own. In the past I would make bet with a friend where he gives me 1 euro not to gamble and if I do gamble I have to give him 20K.
It worked for a while like a charm, but in the mean time I started nagging him to give me a break and he agreed but asked me not to ask him for that deal any more.

So, yes, 28 days on my own is pretty good and I feel pretty good about it. One thing I realized while chatting at the support group, and I never really considered it before; Charles did a really good job explaining it – I need continuous support. I now realize I can never say “ok, i’m cured, i never need to look back and I can go on with my life like I never gambled”.
I’m sure there are people out there who are able to do so, but I think they probably haven’t been problem gamblers for decades like myself.

So yes, coming here helps me and reading posts is a constant reminder of what will happen should I go my old ways.

And I’m in no way out of danger. 28 days in grand scheme of things is very little. It is just a prerequisite in order to even start considering a therapy – it is just a beginning.

We’ll see. As I said before I’m very wary.

[jansdad]

Day #29. I wish you all a gamble free week.

[JohnNobody]

Hi Jansdad just read through some of your recent entrys. Your last one about not being able to walk away until winner or looser and your episode in the casino before meeting your friend was painful to read as you could have written that word for word about me! A very honest post. Better the last dollar/pound been there done it so many many times. It is horrendous and totally insane making no sense. We loose even when we win. Then I read your on day 29!!! wtg here is to your future without having to chase any losses!

[jansdad]

Thanks John. Not being able to leave a loser was something that I was aware of very, very early in my gambling career. And I knew at some level that it is not good, that it is a problem, even when I was a kid.
It proved to be a major problem when I started playing poker. Although I was able to win in the long run (most other player were extremely bad), I was not able to go home when I was down. I would play until I broke even for the day or lost everything I had on me.
That is also the most important reason I was not able to make it as a professional gambler. I am too much of a gambler, there’s too much compulsiveness in me and it has been progressing over the years.

I’m on my day #30 now and I’m everything but certain that I will not start gambling again. I don’t have urges and I’m feeling great, but I know all too well that gambling has its cunning ways to sneak back into our minds and trigger small seemingly innocent actions which would soon unleash hell.

[Mred321]

I myself got 18 yesses the first time but after a few months more i got all 20.Sounds like you stopped for a while even though you are not strictly following many of the principles that a lot of us use not to gamble. I dont want to repeat a lot of them right here as many of my friends here have already told you them but a few I would like to hit on are these.You should really tell your wife now. If she finds out about it from somewhere else it will be much worse.She may be really mad for a while. But in the end she will be a lot of help.Anoither big one is dont associate with people who gamble it will test and tempt you into things you dont want to do. Stay out of places that have lottery and if you think you are going to gamble on the internet. The best thing to do is get rid of your laptops and internet.I only go on here when my wife is watching what I do.I also give all money control to my wife. I know this sound like a lot of stuff to do.Some people do a 12 step program. Well I hope you make it another day.Talk to you later

[Anonymous]

Great post above.

I can see a big difference in your posts now JD compared to you first few and I can see that you do have a different take on some things, ie the ongoing support.

I wonder if you now have a different take on telling your wife? Secrets can be dangerous. But I would reckon if you tell her the truth she will be immensely proud of you, you are four weeks free of gambling, and that you post on here and use the support groups shows her that you are making a genuine effort to live without gambling.

You said in one of your first posts you wanted to get 30 days gamble free, well you’re here now. Day thirty one will be a lot easier than day one was, but like every other day not to be taken with a pinch of salt.

I’ll probably be in one of the groups later on and hope to see you there too.

Geordie.

[jansdad]

Thanks Mred & Geordie. I can’t get rid off my computers and internet as it is my livelihood. Besides, I really think the long term solution (for me at least) is to not gamble because i don’t have desire to as opposed to because I make it physically impossible.

About my wife, she knows I gamble(d). She just doesn’t know how bad it got last couple of months and the amount of money I lost. Telling her will not make anything better. If I start gambling again i will have no choice but to tell her. But right now, if i manage to stay gamble-free there’s no reason to tell her and upset her. And upset her I would, if I told her .

One thing I did realize after talking to Charles last Thursday, and you guys are right about this, I will need ongoing support. I’m sure there are people who stop gambling and live gamble-free, but I’ve been in it way too long and will need support for a very long time i think. I think this forum is the only reason I haven’t given in.

[jansdad]

Day #31. Life is good without gambling. If I could only rest assured I won’t go back to it.

[Anonymous]

There’s no guarantees in life as you know. The Easy Way To Stop Gambling conflicts with a lot of what you’ll hear on this site and at GA meetings. But I genuinely believe that if you fully absorb that book with a clear mind, and continue with your ongoing support there should be no reason to think that you might go back to it.

Personally I would never proclaim to be cured of gambling, and I do live each day as it comes. Some days life can be tough and throw new challenges and stresses at me, but those challenges and stresses would not disappear or lessen if I went to gamble to avoid them.

You’ve lived without gambling for 31 days now, on day 1 you were wondering if you could get through 30. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever you can’t continue this trend. What benefit is there for any of us to proclaim, “I wont gamble ever again”.

My advice would be just to carry on with life as you are, life is good without gambling as you say. Sometimes life isn’t good but that applies to gamblers and non gamblers alike. One thing you know from experience that whether life is being good or not so good it is always a hell of a lot worse when we gamble.

I’m pleased that I did start reading your thread because it has helped me immensely, I remember telling you in an earlier post that gambling had been a crutch to me. I no longer believe that, I think it was just another fallacy that my distorted gambling head lead me to believe.

I don’t need gambling and neither do you. I don’t think anyone will put your mind at rest as to whether you’ll go back to gambling or not. But I’m fairly certain many will understand where you are coming from and will do their best to support you as the days turn into weeks.

My old forum signature used to be, Recovery is priceless (gambling is worthless). And I still wholeheartedly believe that.

Take care, hope to see you in one of the groups next week…five early starts begin tomorrow.

[p]

It is fantastic you recognize that you cant do this alone. Yes, why not use all the support you can against this addiction. Its a very sneaky cunning addiction and we need everythign we can against it. You are doing well to recognize that too.. keep going,

P

[jansdad]

Thanks geordie and p.

Yes, geordie, life can be good or not so good, but one thing is sure – gambling will always make it worse. I need to keep repeating that to myself. On bad days I used to gamble more, to try and escape or at least postpone any problems or difficulties I might have been facing. Dumb and unintuitive thing to do in hindsight.

and you’re right p, about ongoing support. i’m almost positive i would have gone back to gambling had it not been for this forum. i’m actually surprised i’ve come this far. on at least 5 different occasions I was ready to give in, it’s a minor miracle i didn’t. instead i would come here and read or post.

I told my wife about this forum today. I didn’t connect it to my huge recent losses (oct-dec), neither did I mention the losses. The poor woman has no idea how close we could be to being homeless. Or probably not homeless, but how radically and how rapidly our life would change if I went on gambling.
She thinks this forum is just an intellectual exercise for me, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that this could possibly be my last, our last straw.

It scares me that I had to borrow money to pay bills. I haven’t done that in 20 years. I already paid the money back plus the vig, but it’s not the point. I was on my way to sinking far lower.

I don’t need gambling. That’s right geordie.

[JohnNobody]

Maybe just maybe being totally open about your addiction with your wife could help ? So you do not have to face this alone in that way. I hear you on the stresses of possible loosing homes and such like. I hope you work this through and find the solutions you need. As you say the one thing we do not need is gambling. That way lies only ruin and madness.

Maybe your wife will work things out anyway as you have shown her the forum …. keep taking it one step at a time hour by hour if need be. Each day you dont give into the urges is a victory!

[jansdad]

Hey John. There are many things which are universal for all CG’s and then there’s a few things where everyone’s situation is different, specific in its own way.

Telling my wife would not accomplish anything at this point. It’s not like I would be less likely to start gambling if my wife knew how badly I lost last few months. You’re a problem gambler, you know that. Other peoples pleading and begging doesn’t really cure gambling addiction.
The solution (for me at least) is in my brain. I need to trick it into not gambling, just like the addiction has been tricking it into gambling all these decades. No amount of other people’s begging or cursing will do that for me. I have to reprogram my brain, i think that’s the only long term solution for me. Good starting point, I think, is understanding why I gamble, how I’m tricked into it by an illusion that it gives something positive to me. That book by Allen Carr does a pretty good job explaining that.
I don’t need gambling. I need to understand that on all levels. i don’t need it. My wife can’t help there, I need to do it on my own.

Day #32 today.

[p]

Congrats on 32 days of freedom from gambling well done!! i know people say tell this person and this person but you know what.. i think you tell whoever you feel comfortable with when you want to.. its up to you. Sure it would make life simpler if everyone knew but everyone doesnt know everyone and no one can say for sure how people are going to react or what the outcome will be.. you just do what feels right for you.. you are doing really well at the moment. Small steps.

P

[Anonymous]

Well cant say I dis-agree with any of the above to be honest.

What I can honestly say is that when you said on day 1 or 2 that you were aiming to get through 30 days, I thought you stood very little chance at all.

Full credit to you I’m sure that you can use the 32 days you’ve accumulated to date as a sound foundation for the rest of your gamble free life, one day at a time, of course.

I also wouldn’t be at all surprised if, at some future date, you did tell your wife. *(I’d be more surprised if you never did……it’s all about change).

[jansdad]

Thanks vera, p and geordie. Most of the money I lost last 3-4 months came from stashes my wife didn’t know about. Some of it came from our saving account in her name and I said it is going to an investment. I should be able to make up for that money (from her saving account) fairly soon.

My wife doesn’t really speak english and she doesn’t snoop around, so it’s very unlikely she would find this forum and read my posts.

Telling her about it would in no way make me less likely to gamble again. It would cause aggravation and disappointed on her end along with uncertainty, distrusfullness and possibly outright anger.

It’s like having an affair that ended. Would she want to know about it? NO, she wouldn’t and she told me once so, in so many words. Would I want to know if she had an affair (that ended) that I didn’t suspect or knew anything about? I wouldn’t.

I’m not sure that this is the best analogy, but that’s what I got for ya’ll at the moment 🙂

If I start gambling again I will probably have no choice but to tell her, but at the moment there’s no reason to tell her. On contrary, there’s plenty of reasons not to.

I will try to make it to the group tonight, home to see you guys there.

Day #33 today.

[kpat]

Every marriage is different, just like everyone’s recovery is different. You know in your heart the best way to keep your marriage stable and healthy. There are a lot of modern, so called “civilized” thoughts as to how a marriage should be. Just because the majority may think something is so, doesn’t mean it is truth. You keep doing what your heart tells you to do. Lying is never right, but protecting the ones we love is something that comes from the heart. Make sure you are protecting her for the right reasons and whatever you decide in the course of your recovery will most likely be just the perfect thing.

[jansdad]

Thanks for the nice words kpat. On day #34 today.

Wanted to mentions that I really enjoy support groups so far. How ironic (or maybe not so), I’ve always enjoyed the company of gamblers and now I’m enjoying the company of ex-gamblers 🙂

[charles]

Maybe get to a GA meeting as well then JD, you will meet lots of them!! 🙂

The groups open right now if you are still around.

[jansdad]

Day #35 today. My intention is to keep the running count till 100 and after that once in a while 🙂
Long way from home.

[jansdad]

Day #36 today. The first time that I didn’t think about gambling at all, the whole day. Didn’t even cross my mind.
Never thought it would be possible.

[kpat]

This is a wonderful day!
That sniff of freedom is intoxicating all on it’s own:)

[jansdad]

Yeah, it was weird yesterday. Normally gambling related thoughts cross my mind quite often, either causing nausea or nostalgia, but yesterday i didn’t think about gambling or gambling related things at all, until I went to bed. Shocking.
Day #37 today.

[Anonymous]

Nice one JD.

[jansdad]

Day #38
This evening a gambling thought did cross my mind. Not saying that there was a big chance of me acting on it, but I did think about it and for a couple of seconds how I could actually win if I only played my A game at poker. Of course I know I’m not able to play my A game and even if I did I probably couldn’t even break even. But I thought ‘what if’.
So I came here, read some posts and the crazy thought is gone.

It amazes me that after everything I went through a thought like that could still enter my mind and have me consider it.
Well, it actually doesn’t amaze me, the fact that gambling is such a huge problem for so many people goes to show me that it is an extremely tricky addiction. It’s like dealing with an extremely sly, tricky and manipulative person. Really scary sometimes.

[jansdad]

I will. It’s actually on my to-do list to reread it.

[jansdad]

Day #39 today. Wish you all a nice gamble-free evening.

[jansdad]

Day #40 today. 4 more days and I’ll have a gamble-free day for every year I lived 🙂

[lizbeth4]

You are doing awesome. Keep going.

[jansdad]

Thanks lizbeth. Day #42 today.

[p]

Wow day 42 go Jansdad
You are doing great.. keep it up.. just get through today and then wake up and do the same tomorrow.. wonderful stuff..

P

[Anonymous]

Way to go Jansdad! It will be 30 days for me tomorrow. Seems like forever, yet not long enough. I really don’t think about it much. No desire since I listen to that book. I will be forever grateful to you for sending it to me. BTW Happy Birthday if I don’t make it on here tomorrow. Make it a good one!

[jansdad]

Thanks p and jen. I was walking our dog today thinking how good it is not to have to gamble. I already got some ‘extra’ money and I have more time. And the extra time is so much better than the time I traded in – the time I used to spend either gambling or self-loathing. Day #43 today. It is such a blessing not having to gamble.

BTW, not my b-day tomorrow, but thanks anyway 🙂

And congratulations on your day #30. Great achievement!!!

[monique]

HI Jansdad. I posted on another thread as you has asked me about the software – just to explain I am a counsellor member of the GT team, with no involvement in the technical side of things. I suggest you ask Harry or Janey if you have questions about software.
Have a good birthday!

Monique

[jansdad]

I will do that Monique, thanks. And again, it’s not my birthday any time soon 🙂

But thanks anyway.

[kpat]

As the Mad Hatter would say, “A very merry UNbirthday to you!”
BTW, it is my UN birthday as well:)
Lol

[jansdad]

Oh, I see how the confusion took place. I wrote: “4 more days and I’ll have a gamble-free day for every year I lived 🙂 ”

And I meantc 44 gamble free days and I’m 44. (Not exactly 44, but like 44 and a half almost 🙂 )

[Anonymous]

Hi Jansdad .. Happy 44th gamble free day!! Being gamble free is better than any birthday !!

[Anonymous]

Oops! Happy 44 days gamble free!

[jansdad]

Thanks jen 🙂

the day #44 it is today 🙂

[Anonymous]

Hello jd hope all’s well with you. just noticed you hadn’t checked in for a couple of days.

[jansdad]

Hello Geordie, and thanks for you concern. I thought it might be annoying to other members to keep my count on a daily basis, so I decided to skip a day or two. But now that you mentioned it, I’m at day #47 today 🙂

Also, there was a technical problem and I wasn’t able to log into my account yesterday. Harry helped me fix it right now.

[jansdad]

Day #48. Today has been shaky at best. I’ve had urges for the last couple of hours. I was doing real good for a couple of weeks and now all of a sudden they’re back. Scary.
Reminder that i’m not cured and that I probably will never be. All i can do is contain it and never get complacent.

[jansdad]

Been having serious urges today. Just when i thought I had it down so cool, they came back with a vengeance.
I had a couple of really good weeks prior to this – no urges, didn’t even think about gambling too much. Don’t know if I got too complacent and thought I’m off the hook. How very foolish.

I’m trying to rationalize, I know a 100 or 200 euros online won’t kill me even if I lose, but I’m asking myself why, why, why? I don’t need gambling. And I know all too well it will not be just this one time. It will NEVER be just this one time.
And even if I won, will a couple of hundreds or even thousands change something radically in my life? No, it won’t. So I got nothing to gain and everything to lose.

What a nasty addiction this is.

[kpat]

The addicted voice tries to rationalize why it is ok to gamble again. That voice is a liar. Don’t listen to it. Whether you believe it is yourself or some beast, it doesn’t matter. It is lying. There is no joy in the aftermath. Even if you won, the guilt and feeling s of failure are not worth the money. To feel like I can’t control myself, that is what I think makes me the most upset when I give in. I am not weak, yet I let some lying urge control my actions? Not a good feeling. Your brain is starting to normalize, the addiction is starving. Don’t feed it. Its like when you quit smoking, just like that. Do you ever want to live day one again?

[jansdad]

Thanks vera and kpat. Day #49 today. The urges haven’t gone away, but I’m trying to keep busy and not pay too much attention to them.
You’re right kpat, even if I won it wouldn’t be worth it, I know it and I’ve been telling myself that. And no, i don’t want to live through day one again. i know what it took to get to day #49 and how many times I just barely made it.

I’m not even sure I could do it again. So what i’ve got (even though it’s only been 7 weeks) is way too precious for me to give up for a temporary thrill.

But it is scary, that just when I started thinking I’m getting the hang of it, the urges returned and I feel somewhat insecure.

[velvet]

Hi Jansdad
It isn’t ‘only 7’ weeks – it is 7 weeks and you are right, they are precious. It’s ok and normal to feel scared at times, what you are doing is hard and takes courage but you can do it. You are doing the right thing coming here when you feel unsettled.
Velvet

[jansdad]

Thanks vera. Day #50 today. Today was much better than the last 2 days. Almost no urges, so that’s good.

[jansdad]

Day #51 today. I’m in Ukraine now for 3 weeks. I hope to stay out of trouble while here. I know I don’t need gambling. But we’ll see.

[kpat]

We’ll see?
What exactly are you saying here?
I hope you enjoy your time away and do all the things to keep your piece of mind that you have worked so hard for. The aftermath otherwise is a crazy trip.

[C_Noel]

Hi Jansdad, I hope you have the will to resist any urges. Filling your time with enjoyable activities can really help to keep your mind off thoughts of gambling. 51 days is awesome! I can only hope to make it that far as well. Each day is a new beginning and an accomplishment once we resist our addiction.

[jansdad]

#53 today. Today was a slow day, I had a time to kill and I thought about gambling. The only reason I didn’t gamble, I think, is that I know how hard it was not to gamble 53 days and this running count means something to me. Starting all over would be a drag and most likely I could not make it.
But I did consider gambling only half an hour ago. But luckily came here instead.

[Anonymous]

Try reading your book again?? Theres enough trouble in Ukraine without your gambling adding to it:-).

I remember you posting on another thread “if you get urges, you’re doing something wrong” what is it you’re doing wrong, or, if you don’t think you are why do you want to gamble? What does it offer today that it didn’t have to offer 53 days ago?

I ask only because I don’t want to see you go tits up.

[jansdad]

Hey geordie, always good to read your posts. Yes, I was thinking about it myself yesterday – I have urges and therefore I’m doing something wrong.

Not sure what it is. I guess I just have to be coming here more often. Whenever I’m doing fine I tend to skip support groups and don’t come here as often. Obviously a mistake.
Day #54 today.
Also, reading about people who haven’t gambled for 14 months and then flipped doesn’t really help. Seems, we just have to be on the lookout as long as we live. Not a very comforting thought. But hey, it is what it is. We brought this down on ourselves.

[charles]

The time since someones last bet is probably not as important as the things they have done/put in place during that time maybe? That’s the difference between abstinence and recovery. See you in a group again soon.

[jansdad]

I had a bad dream last night. I never dream about gambling (other than on nights following heavy losses), but last night I dreamt that I posted here that I had lost $10K. I don’t remember dreaming the actual gambling, but I do remember very vividly posting here and telling a friend about losing $10K. It was so bad that I woke up and it took me a while to realize that it didn’t really happen, that it was only a dream.

And I know it could really happen if I started gambling again. Losing $10K in matter of days is within the realms of possibility for me. 🙁

Day #55 today

[jansdad]

True, vera, nightmares happen during our wakening hours…

I’m trying to log into support group, there should be one available right now, but I don’t get the option to open it (that green little button…)

[charles]

HI JD, the current group is a Topic group which only has a 15 minute entry window at the start. Next group follows on the hour so hopefully see you then.

[jansdad]

Sure, see you shortly Charles. And thanks

[jansdad]

Just to check in. Day #57 today. Been busy last two days, so not a lot of gambling-related thoughts…
Will try and make it to the group tomorrow.

[Mred321]

just remember we are never cured. Try to remember enjoy your time away from the bet. Dont dwell on the past Its over . Yes people slip this is an awful disease it never gives up there fore you must never give up and say what will it hurt a few dollars no one will know. Down inside you will know what it will lead to. Keep up the good work my friend.

[p]

How are you going lately,.. havent seen a post.. hope you are going well.. groups on now if you want to join us.. give us a post.. stay strong.. if you stray come back , we are here

P

[jansdad]

Thanks Mred and p. I couldn’t login yesterday. It happens from time to time that I can’t login for some reason. There must be a glitch in the software or something.

Doing fine, day #62 today. Still in Ukraine, missing my boy and my wife. 10 more days here. Going out today with some friends, will try to make it to the group tomorrow.

[jansdad]

Day #63 today. No urges. I figure urges come once every 10 days or so. But when they do they’re nasty.

[p]

Well done on your time gamble free.. I am glad you are aware the urges come. I think that’s half the battle being aware that they come back and being prepared. Keep going. If you have done 63 days no reason today should be different.. Amazing job well done

P

[jansdad]

Ok, I relapsed last night. I’ve been playing for the last 9-10 hours and lost a fortune. I’m sick of myself and totally disillusioned.

Details tomorrow. I hate myself so much.

[p]

Hang in there. You’ve been honest, you’ve admitted it… Now you have started you will set the craving off so do all you can to protect yourself.. Protect your cash, give it to someone maybe to mind. Try to get back… You can do it, it’s a set back, its a hiccup in your journey. Get back up, don’t worry what day it is, just continue on as best you can. Don’t give up…

P

[I_Maverick]

You can do this mate. Do what everyone is telling me to do and get Gamblock on your PC. Self exclude from the sites. This is another setback on the road to recovery. The road to recovery is full of setbacks, but the fact that we continue is what makes it worthwhile.

You went 63 days mate, that is amazing. Tell your story when you feel it is right, it might help. For me when I relapse, I find it important to understand what made me give in too the urge, but we are all different.

Your have all our love and support here, no judgements. Just a desire to help ourselves and our comrades.

Be good

[jansdad]

Day #0 again.

Here’s how it happened. I’m in Lviv Ukraine, I love it here and I come here often. They have this club here which is an excellent restaurant a striptease joint and a poker club all on the same floor. I used to play and lose here whenever I came, but I loved the atmosphere and camaraderie.

Back in December the government shot down all poker clubs (they shot down all casinos about 10 years ago, but poker clubs were allowed till last december) and I found a new pastime – I started going to the gym here where they all have excellent masseuses.

Anyway, last thursday I was having dinner at the club and I saw one of the pitbosses I knew from before. She confirmed what I had already heard – that they’re running a game on the quiet and invited me to play. I declined, but said might come on Saturday. Yesterday I was having dinner there again and decided to play a little. It’s a relatively small game about $0.25 – $0.25 PLO and NLH. I decided not to view it as gambling, but as pastime and chance to hook up with people I knew and enjoyed their company.
I intentionally only took about $200 with me. I was very clear with myself, I wasn’t gonna steam, make bad decisions and win, lose or draw I was gonna go home after 2 hours. I wasn’t gonna report this to the group as I didn’t consider it to be gambling as long as I wasn’t steaming and making bad decisions. I considered it a pastime and if I lost a hundred of two so be it.

As it usually happens in the game of poker I took a couple of bad beats and was down maybe $50. Nothing to worry about. But what did worry me is that I noticed adrenaline rushing to my head and I started playing more and more hands, making irrational decisions. Instead of stopping and leaving right then and there I proceeded to lose the rest of the money playing badly. So I was down $200. Then I remembered that I had 100 euros stashed in my laptop sleeve which I was carrying with me to do some work. I lost that too and left.

On the way home I contemplated should I report this to do group (that is to say to you guys). Had I not started steaming there would be nothing to report and I wouldn’t have considered it gambling. But I did start steaming fairly quickly and I did feel the adrenaline rush and I did make stupid decisions and I was having the worst of it and therefore I was gambling and I decided to report it.

Then, still in a cab, I thought, well since I’m now officially back to day #0 anyway, why don’t I try and win it back? And I asked myself do I really need $300? No! But I did want to gamble.

I texted a friend and asked him to let me play on his account. Unfortunately he had just won and had about $2500 in the account. All I wanted to do is win back the $300 maybe a little more and call it a night. Well, I lost the $2500 in less than an hour.

Then I remembered the Poker Stars account in my wife’s name that I blocked over 6 months ago should be playable now (they only let you block it for up to 6 months). I emailed them and they unblocked it within half hour. All my credit cards are tapped out, but they do let you deposit money using your cell phone and I deposited the daily max which is about 100 euros or $110.

I built that $100 to $1300 playing first 0.50-1 and then 2-4 HU PLO. Then I wanted to move to a 3-6 or 5-10 game, but they software wouldn’t let me cos I had set table limits to max 2-4 before I blocked the account. This was a drag cos at higher stakes I would have had a fair chance of winning my money back where at 2-4 I would have to play much longer and maintain my A game if I was to have any chance at all.
So I was pissed about it, started steaming again and lost all but $35. I was very tired and wanted to go to bud, but I could never leave a loser and I had to lose the last $35 first. So I played a $30 spin&go won it, then won a couple of more of these and had $400. Back to the $2-4$ HU game, built it to a little over a thousand again and I said to myself, wouldn’t it be nice if I cut my losses here, cashed this out and never looked back. And I remember saying to myself ‘yes, it would be very nice indeed’, but needless to say I proceeded to lose it all. It was around 6am when I lost the last money I had there.

And I felt violated. I guess that’s the word that describes it the closest. Violated. Maybe not the best analogy, but I felt what I think inmates feel after being raped in prison. Totally helpless, overwhelmed, defiled…

Trying to keep busy now. Being busy preserves my sanity I find.

Here’s to day #0

[I_Maverick]

Ivan, Really good/bad post. The funny thing is, like me, you are really coherent. I am positive that even as you were playing there was a part of your watching you, wondering what you were doing, saying quit now. The funny thing is, we are predisposed to throwing our money away. Certainly I am. I can play well for a while, win, and then not stop. Until your luck is bound to change, you have a bad beat and make bad decisions.

Your are in my thoughts big man, and I know you will come out of this. You know there is no reason to play, and yet you enjoy the game too much. And I understand that.

Have you spoken to your wife about this? I know I am going to put measures in place to bar me as much as possible. I have no closed down all my poker accounts – I would have to scrabble around for some really dodgy sites to play, so that makes me feel better. But what worries me is what happens when me wife leave stye country, leaving me on my own.

I was just having a cape outside, and suddenly I saw myself playing at limits much higher than I have ever played. Highest I have played as 1/2, but I saw myself playing at 5/10 losing thousands I don’t have. I didn’t see myself winning – the image has really shaken me.

I love you all, and hope to see you all again soon

Mav

[JohnNobody]

Its harsh what you have put yourself through. I and no one here can or will judge. Been there right where you are just with a different game. But the game does not matter. The bad beats good bets bad bets or what ever. All of that is immaterial. The fact is it is not the game choice but the addiction which has to be beaten. It would not have mattered if you were 10k up as you were in the zone and sooner or later would have gambled it all back (with interest) as CGS we can not gamble anywhere on any game. We know that. What you did do though is come back here and share your agony … this is a positive! It shows you want to quit and you want to beat your addiction and not the other way around. I would say that you have like me the gamblers fallacy as to what is and what is not gambling. And what you should or should not fess up here on the forum about. I can only speak for myself when I say if I spend so much as a pound on a scratch card I have gambled. I can not afford that pound. Some would say a scratch card is not gambling its just small money fun. But to me it is. As an addict I can not go near anything that involves placing a wager with the chance to win more. But in the end you came here and did a good thing for yourself.
Focus now on today and then tomorrow and onwards from that point. You can come through this even though I know it feels really bad at the moment.

Everyone here supports you know that!

[Anonymous]

Well Jansdad at least theres one good thing to come out of this I suppose. You’ll be telling your wife now about your gambling and recovery, I know that you’ve told us several times that if you gambled again you’d be telling your wife. I really think it will help your recovery no end. She might blow her top but she deserves the truth, (for better, for worse).

It’s no good crying over spilt milk, what’s done is done, you gambled and although you convinced yourself it was ok to lose 200 what you neglected to remember is that you’re a compulsive gambler and it’s never ok to gamble. You, like me, have a problem. You spent $2800 in a gambling session that must have started an hour or two after you posted on day 63. $2800 in a night, is just not normal, you could afford to lose 200 so how long is it going to take you to repay $2600? This is definitely something you should be discussing with your wife, otherwise you will be lying to her every day until that moneys paid back.

You’ve mentioned urges a few times recently and I wonder have you gone back to that book. You seem to have forgotten that whatever entices you to gambling is just an illusion of your mind, which has no doubt become a bit distorted when it comes to gambling and rational thinking, due to too many years of gambling.

Can’t believe you considered lying on here, lol, how would that help you. Support only really works when you’re 100% honest with it. I’m sure I’ve lied on this forum in the past, or at least conveniently forgotten to mention I’ve gambled. So I know from experience how it looks a viable option of course though it’s just another pathetic decision by an addiction tainted mind. I think the reason we do that is that we want to quickly forget what we’ve just done and don’t want to face the consequences, we want to escape from it, of course we know where the first port of call is when looking for an escape is. So that is why I think it’s important to talk to people and not hide from it.

Hope that you can see where you might need to make changes in your recovery plan, as you said you’d prefer to live without urges, and if you’re still getting urges you’re doing something wrong. Mind you it’s not really surprising you gambled, having dinner in a venue that hosts poker games. I wonder would you really have decided to have dinner there if you really wanted to stop gambling?

Thankfully I still havn’t had any urges this year, and reading your post just re-enforces to me how quick things can escalate and I am pleased it’s not me in your shoes.

Geordie.

[I_Maverick]

Great post Geordie, and applies to me too. Jansdad, you are strong and you can do it and stay off forever.

All my love

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Great post Geordie, and applies to me too. Jansdad, you are strong and you can do it and stay off forever.

All my love

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Great post Geordie, and applies to me too. Jansdad, you are strong and you can do it and stay off forever.

All my love

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Great post Geordie, and applies to me too. Jansdad, you are strong and you can do it and stay off forever.

All my love

Mav

[jansdad]

If y’all thought today would be my day #2, you need to think again. I’m back to to square one. Or day #0, whatever you prefer to call it. I gambled again last night till 3am.
This time I won $2K. $1000 to go and then I can live gamble-free forever. Famous last words.
If you had asked me around 7pm yesterday what I thought the chance were I would gamble again in the near future (let’s say 2 months) I would have said ‘far less than 1%’. The memory of what gambling did to me was so fresh, so vivid and I knew I wouldn’t gamble again any time soon.
Well what we “know” isn’t always what is. And less than an hour later I was seated at a PLO 2-4 table on Party Poker, my friend’s account. There was $200 in the account and he said he could put another $600 if need be. Sounded like a plan and I was game.
Cards were running ok, I wasn’t steaming and I ended up winning $2k and cashed out $1400 to my friend’s bank account leaving $600 so I can chase the $1000 I’m still down.

I knew and I know it was very bad what I was doing, but I also felt happy. It was like the old days when I had the night for myself, I gambled, I watched porn, I gambled some more and I won.

I don’t know why I went back into my old ways just hours after I posted my day #63. Maybe because I saw other people here relapsed and lived. Maybe because I thought I can have a fun evening out with the guys and not turn it into desperate money-chasing event. Or maybe it was inevitable as I am a compulsive gamble to the core.

But I’m not kidding myself. I know I cannot contain my addiction, I know I cannot be a happy recreational gambler. I know I cannot play 2 hours and leave whether I win, lose or break even. I have to chase because I’m a sick compulsive gambler and I have a problem.

And I know I’ll try and chase that $1K. I wish I could let it go, $1K won’t change anything in my life, but I know I will try and win it back using the $600 still in the account. But I wish I would let it go.

[I_Maverick]

Great post Geordie, and applies to me too. Jansdad, you are strong and you can do it and stay off forever.

All my love

Mav

[jansdad]

OK, I’ve won it all back. Booyakasha!!! I’m the man, I’m the myth I’m the legend.

That of course raises another question. What do I do now? I’m mean I’m obviously capable of winning at poker only if I concentrate and play well…
Wouldn’t it be a tremendous waste of talent if I quit now when there’s overwhelming evidence that I can actually win?

That is how sick I am and how sneaky this addiction is. It knows all the tricks, all the angles, I’m no match for this freaking disease.

[I_Maverick]

So quit now while you’re ahead – because you know as well as anyone that due to variance/ bad beats/ steaming etc, that if you play again you’ll lose it at the cycle will continue.

If you quit now, and leave it at that, you are a true winner. I am terrified of trying to win anything, I can’t handle another meltdown.

Good luck

M

[JohnNobody]

Hi you should quit now right now! No compulsive gambler wins in the long term and most dont even win in the short term. Sorry if this sounds harsh but you winning could be the worst thing that has happened as it keeps you hooked , it keeps the fallacy of gambling alive. This addiction is sneaky you are correct. What you should do now is block yourself from every poker site and get into quit mode ASAP. But I suspect sadly you will not do that and will think you can win even more 🙁 I really hope I am totally wrong on this. I really do. But soon as you start betting again it will go and probably with massive interest on top. QUIT NOW! I hope you make the right choices for yourself!

[jansdad]

Well obviously the right choice would have been not to gamble any further. But you guys know how it goes…

Anyway, after breaking even I cashed out everything but $500 to my friend’s bank account. Then I lost the $500 and asked him to deposit the $600 he said he had available on his credit card. After a few ups and downs I lost that too and then asked another friend to send $1000.
I lost that too and and then deposited 100 euros through my phone. Lost that in 2 hands. I want to stop now. Time to reread that book.
I’m down about $2200 – $2300 since I relapsed, will know exactly once the money clears in my friends bank account. Not pretty. Funny how I swore up and down I would not play again after I won my money back. I’ve done that too many times before too. I guess we all have.

My last gamble was at 4.15pm February 24 2015

The DAY #0

[JohnNobody]

Hi it does not matter if you won or lost it does not matter even really how much you are doing. 2k or 20k the fact is you can not gamble! and if you do you will loose even more and eventually everything. I speak from personal experience. The money you lost is gone. It will never come back it does not belong to you anymore. Rather than focus on the lossses and the game which still seems so strong in your mind rather than that focus on quitting and overcoming.

Even if today you got lucky (thats all gambling is luck with zero skill needed long term) and won 20k or 200k that would not change a thing in the long term as it would all be gambled back. You did right posting here but come on you have to leave the game get it out of your mind and start being serious again about recovery or it will destroy you.

I am rooting for you as you sound terrifyingly like me …. and I do not want you to be like me. I really dont 🙁

[I_Maverick]

Mate, I am sorry but I know you will stop now. Your posts are terrifying, as I have done the same. It will only go backwards and forwards – up down left right down down down.

You are a good man with a family. Get back to GA, and focus your mind on this expereince. You won – you were up totally. And even though you knew through xperience that if you played again you would lose, because we all do (if we only won all the time it wouldn’t be called gambling it would be called free money).

What I think about now, which I never have done before, is that for me to win big at poker, many people have to lose. And what are their sitiations. Sure, they have chosen to play, but if they are CGs as well, that means I am enabling them. And I do not want that on my soul anymore. That actually helps me remember why not to play – do I want to take money that might be needed for their children? I don;t want to lose money needed for my child.

You are a star, you did 63 days – so you can do that again with interest.

Keep posting mate.

[Anonymous]

What is it you’ve actually won? The money you lost in a few hours the other night? You’ve got your money back, big bloody deal. Be much better to see you get your sanity back!

In my opinion based on my own experiences and the experiences of others I have seen over the years no words from anyone will pull you out of the perilous deep waters you are wading in at the moment. Only you can bring yourself to your senses which you will do, sooner rather than later I hope. But doubt.

You ask, “What do I do now? I’m mean I’m obviously capable of winning at poker only if I concentrate and play well…” Maybe it’s obvious to you but what’s obvious to me is the way your thought process has quickly changed you will never be capable of winning at poker, because you are a compulsive gambler and, usually sooner, rather than later, you will lose it all back. A statement you would have agreed with on any of the sixty three days leading up to Saturday.

“Wouldn’t it be a tremendous waste of talent if I quit now when there’s overwhelming evidence that I can actually win?” It would only be a tremendous waste of talent if you were to turn your back on recovery. The overwhelming evidence that you can actually win doesn’t exist.
1. You lost $2800 on Saturday night.
2. You started the New Year in a position where you had to borrow money to cover your living expenses.
3. You don’t tell your wife about how your gambling nearly made you all homeless.
4. You said when you first came here that you’d been fighting your addiction for decades.

There is overwhelming evidence of a couple of things that I can see; how quickly we can become delusional after gambling begins, and that you are a compulsive gambler.

Who knows why you went gambling, is it really important? But “Maybe because I saw other people here relapsed and lived” is possible, But would that be the same people that now have to live hand to mouth for several extra months, go without a social life for months, all because they relapsed and lived. Or the ones that are now homeless or jobless all because they relapsed and lived. Something to aspire to indeed.

“Maybe because I thought I can have a fun evening out with the guys and not turn it into desperate money-chasing event.” Is that what you thought? A few weeks ago you knew this wouldn’t be possible. If so something obviously isn’t working for you, (or something’s missing from your recovery. (Dare I suggest not being open and honest with your wife, (who you were missing on day 62, but who hasn’t had a mention since you gambled)).

“Or maybe it was inevitable as I am a compulsive gambler to the core”. No way. Being a compulsive gambler is not an excuse for going gambling. It should be the reason you don’t gamble. Being aware you are a compulsive gambler should hopefully lead you onto a place where you are able to utilise all the support offered. I am a compulsive gambler Jansdad and I think it’s far from inevitable that I will gamble again. History might say otherwise, but history is in the past and that’s where my gambling is.

Hope you’re not in cloud cuckoo land for too long.

[Anonymous]

Obviously I was writing that at the same time you were posting.

So is that it now, is it out of your system?

Its so easy for me to say you should do this or that because after being in your position too many times I know you will only listen to yourself. So a rather pointless exercise.

Hope you can draw a line now and start again. Again.

[jansdad]

Thanks john and maveric and thank you geordie.

Me talking about being able to win etc was obviously sarcasm and i thought i made it clear. it’s just how a gambling brain works. “what if?” “what if I could actually win long term?”

It’s a trick my brain plays on me from time to time. I don’t take it seriously of course because I know better. But the fact that I don’t believe it for a second, does not prevent me from going stupid from time to time, as we’ve seen.

I thank you all for your support.

[I_Maverick]

Quit while you’re ahead mate. You;ve just proved – again – something that all of us CGs know. We might win, but we’ll give it back with interest – and not just money wise. Sanity, family etc etc. Don’t stop when you;ve lost everything. That’s my new mantra. Also, if I win someone loses. Fine if that this a company, but poker means taking money from others. Something that I no longer want to do.

You;’re a big man, your call. Still on your side though 😉

[jansdad]

Thanks Mav. Will do my best

[jansdad]

Just read again what you wrote geordie. I always love your posts. Condescending sure, but my actions more than warranted it.

Thank you.

[jansdad]

Day #1 today. And here I am with my tail between my legs. Coulda been day #68, but oh well, it is what it is.
No point mourning over it. I’m getting myself together and trying to think business and how to secure a decent future for my family and myself.

A lot like Maverick, I’m pretty much unemployable. And if I had to get a 9 to 5 job which I never held (well other than 2 months when I was 25) I would be miserable.
I have to stop thinking about the losses and think of the future and what I could do to make it good.
I had bad nightmares last night. I woke up because I was grinding my teeth really bad. Thank god I have bite-guard, would have broken my teeth without it.

From now staying away from any form of gambling, no matter how appealing or how fun or innocent it might seem. One bet for me is enough to unleash hell. Gambling puts way too much strain on me not only financially, but also on my health, my parenthood, my relationship with my wife, my sanity…
There was a time when gambling was a positive thing in my life, but those years are long gone and they’re not coming back. Never. It’s been nothing but misery last 7-8 years.
I’m dedicated to stopping it for good and never go there again. Never.

[I_Maverick]

Great post Jansdad. I’m proud of you. I am making the same promise to myself as well.

This is not the end, it is the beginning. The beginning of a gamble free life.

Today I had horrible urges I felt so sorry for myself again. I was convinced that if I played, it would make everything better again. I found an old old account that had no money in it. And rather than playing I self excluded forever. I have self excluded from all the accounts I ever had. The only way to play again is to din new one, and to do that I have to make the effort. Goddam it, I am in charge of my head,.

Jansdad I love the time we chat, we have so much in common and so much to live for. Let’s live instead of being in the grip of something which is so negative.

Tonight I will do the fors and against of gambling again, and I know the against will outwiegh the fors. Time to start using my brain.

Lobe you fella, and love you all

Mav

[jansdad]

Thanks Mav. I love chatting with you too. The fact that we are here is because we’re not able to combat this on our own and we can use all the help we can get.

Proud of you that you blocked that account rather than playing on it. I blocked my wife’s poker star account after the relapse couple of days ago.

Because gambling was always such a big part of my life I still have access to a lot of accounts belonging to my friends, but I know I don’t want to do it any more. I want to concentrate on the future and what I can do to make it better for my family and myself. I want to put a lot of effort into work and various projects I’ve been neglecting all along.

[I_Maverick]

Good man, let’s keep chatting when we have the time.

[jansdad]

Day #2 today. I’ve been clean for 49 hours exactly now. Yipeee.

But I feel good and confident and am not going back to that misery. Too many things to catch up with.

[Anonymous]

Had to laugh Jansdad, I can understand how my posts sometimes maybe perceived as such, but that is not how they are intended.

I am a compulsive gambler, I’m 48, have spent over 4 years of my life in prison, have been an inpatient on psychiatric wards, lived on the streets, and been an utterly despicable character for the majority of my life.

I don’t look down on anyone ever. Because in my eyes no one will ever be lower than the person that I used to be, and the person I’m still capable of being, (oh so very easily), if I were to ever gamble again.

I know that compulsive gambling and bullshit walk hand in hand, but it still pisses me off when I see seemingly intelligent and articulate people going back to gambling, and then try to justify or rationalise it. Others may use the word “slip” to describe your recent gambling, I wouldn’t because it wasn’t a slip it was a deliberate and planned occasion. Ok you didn’t plan to spend the first $2800, but you did plan to spend $200. This despite knowing where it could end up. Its frustrating and annoying to read things like this, you’re obviously an intelligent man. You chose to do this to yourself. I dont know how long its going to take you to find the thousands of euros you lost this time, but I’m sure that in repaying that money you’ll have less to invest in your future, and that of your family, and its really not fair.

Anyway its done now, no reason at all you should ever do it again. Mind you if you had simple barriers in place like not having access to enough cash to gamble with, filtering software and the like, and maybe not visiting clubs where they played poker it would help deter you should the desire ever re-appear.

And maybe just maybe if you had of told your wife about your December gambling binge at the time things may have been different. We cant live on “ifs” and “what ifs” though. What is done is done, you’re two days into your new life now, no reason what so ever for you to return to your old one.

Oh ok I’ve just re read that last post and this one, ok I admit both condescending to a degree. Not apologising though, as you said your actions warranted it !

I dont know if this Mav, is the same Mav who used to come here but I know if it is he’ll be telling you that just because the monkeys off your back, it dosn’t mean the circus has left town. Please put yourself some barriers in place to make gambling all the more difficult for you in the future.

Take care. Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Geordie.

[charles]

Hi JD, well done on being honest here.

What have you learnt from what had happened? What extra barriers can you put in place?

How about emailing all the “friends” who might lend you money and telling them you want their help to stop gambling? Asking them not to loan you money in the future however much you ask?

From earlier in this thread:

“……..I made a deal with myself. If I gamble again I will tell my wife……..”

Hopefully see you in a group again soon JD.

[jansdad]

Thanks geordie and charles. I love the “just because the monkeys off your back, don’t mean the circus has left town” phrase. Never heard it before, but it is awesome as it is amusing and true.

You’re right geordie, it wasn’t a slip. Well as a matter of fact it depends a great deal on how we define “a slip”, but in my book it wasn’t a slip.

I should have seen it coming while having a dinner at that place last saturday. I had already made my mind to go and check the game after the dinner and as I was finishing the dinner I started fidgeting. I felt the adrenaline rushing through my head and I wanted to get there as quickly as possible. I tried to keep calm, I even went to the john slowly, washed my hands slowly, dried my hands slowly trying to remain cool, but I knew deep down that I was going to gamble. I knew I wasn’t gonna wait patiently for good cards, I knew I wasn’t gonna play only for 2 hours and then leave no matter what.
I did it to myself, it was no slip, it was planned and premeditated. And if I’m 100% honest i probably even knew there would be a good chance I would try and chase that money later online should I lose in the live cash game.

Anyway trying to keep busy now and get my life back in good shape. I know I cannot do it in one day, but every day that I’m productive is a small step towards that big goal.

[jansdad]

Oh, yes, day #3 today. 75 hours and counting… whoohooo
Could have been 75 days soon, but oh well

[Fritz]

I can tell by your post that you are very disappointed that you had to reset your “days not gambled” counter. It is a bummer no question about it. I have had periods of up to 13 months, and then I let myself get complacent. An urge would strike out of nowhere, after going such a long time with no urges at all. The “what could it hurt?” self talk, and all the rest of the BS that my gambling brain uses. I even dare myself sometimes. My gambling brain uses all kinds of manipulation to get me back to the table.

All I can say is bravo for coming back, trying again, keeping at it. Try and call someone if you get that feeling again, let them talk you out of it. I feel your pain, brother. Take care and don’t beat yourself up.

[jansdad]

Thanks Fritz. I enjoy reading your posts and I read your journal regularly. I started saving posts that I like and I’ve already saved a couple of yours. So I have them off-line all in one place and can read them when needed or when I feel like.

Yes, just like yours, my brain pulls all kinds of tricks on me.

Anyway, I won’t be posting much next few days or maybe a couple of weeks, but I will be coming here to read.

Take care all.

[butchugly]

You say no one on here has gone longer than 17 days? Why are we on here if there’s no hope?
Or is it.. The ones that succeed don’t return here because they’ve overcome it.. And they don’t want reminding. As that may eventually be a set back. I’m guessing, when I get to the point to where I don’t think about it. I won’t be on here.. Maybe. I don’t know.

[butchugly]

I’ve just read your posts today. I’m officially on day 1. I joined two days ago but gambled both.. So my goal is to not do it today. I can go 5 days quite easily. Im a nurse and do 13 hour shifts. When I’m working, I don’t think about it. I have one more day off. So hopefully I will have the accomplishment of two days. But then I’ll be off Friday. Kids will be at school. That is when I will find it hard. Money will be in my account.. hopefully I will get to be able to say day 6. Sat and Sunday won’t be an issue. I have a week off at the beginning of April. So being able to say day 37 would feel like a massive accomplishment. Mine is purely based on free time, and stress.. I hate this. I’ve tried so many times before. But this is the first time I have spoke to other cgs. I found this thread useful of all. Everyone seems straight to the point. No bs. I need someone to be straight with me. No sugar coating. Jansdad. I’m right here with Ya. If you find something that works, please tell me about it. I, like you.. Can’t bring myself to tell my partner.

[Anonymous]

Lots of us have posted intensely on this forum, and then gambled, and then decided to stay away until we’ve got a few days/weeks/months of clean time behind us. I think its a common trait. I could probably name at least ten of us without having to think too hard. I’m sure all ten of us would tell you it seemed like a good idea at the time, but when we eventually did return it was off the back of yet another gamble. Not a slip, a gamble. Usually a lot worse than the one we ran away from, or maybe weeks or months later from the same binge.

Its just I noticed on mavs thread you said you weren’t coming back for a while. I’d hate to think it was until you’d built up some clean time.

The reason we do that I think is because we dont want to hear things we already know, we dont want people pointing out the bleeding obvious, we dont want condescending posts off other CG’s. We want to be left alone to get our “heads straight” . This mate is just another illusion. That might be what we think we want, but isn’t it the case that for years we’ve done what we’ve wanted to do and now find ourselves as mature adults with our lives in tatters. All because we’ve always done what we’ve wanted. If we always do, what we’ve always done, we’ll always get, what we’ve always had.

What we really need is people to talk our situation through with, maybe not another CG, a counsellor or at least a good listener. When we keep things to ourselves is often where more trouble stems from.

I mentioned on mavs thread that I dint think it wise for you two to be talking on facebook. Nothing personal against you but you are both brand new to recovery, you have both recently gambled. The help and support I would think you both need should be coming from people who have had a strong recovery for a while. I’ve been round the block a few times I know how these conversations go. When I first left rehab I was in a half way house with a mate who had left a few weeks before me. I gambled in my first week there, but I put into practice things I learnt in rehab stopped myself short of spending all my money..went back to the rehab to confide in my mate, unfortunately he was waiting to confide in me, he’d done the same. We ended up in the bookies, he never made any serious attempt to stop since. I’ve made a few. I don’t gamble now, he still does. I’ve had many conversations with other cgs when either one or both of us have recently gambled, the conversation quickly turns into romanticising and justifying gambling.

Of course you are both grown men and can make you’re own minds up, but should you?

Its well documented through out this site that we act quite irrationally after gambling sprees, and our thoughts are clouded.

I’m not blaming your facebook contact for mavs gambling but I do know that if you were mentioning sums of money like you did on his thread, that this can sometimes serve as a huge trigger to some gamblers. The thing is though the sums involved really are irrelevant. A man could earn £100 a week but spend £120 gambling he’s a lot worse off than a man who earns £4000 and gambles £3500. I think there was once a topic group about this.

Hope you’re not away too long, for your own good.

(I probably wont post for a few days now, but I’ll still be talking to people about what goes on for me, but I have early starts and long days ahead.)

Geordie.

[JohnNobody]

Well just to chime in here about meeting away from this site. I am in regular email contact with a few people here and far from encourging each and one another to gamble it is has helped not to gamble. I think reaching out to others supporting others either here or elsewhere can only be a good thing. When I gamble nothing on earth will stop me. But its the “me” that chooses to do my nuts in, no one else. But I suppose it is very much a personal choice.

[jansdad]

Hey Geordie. Always good to read your posts. And as usual, you hit the nail on its head. I wasn’t gonna come here for the exact reasons you pointed out. And shame. I mean not that I have a lot of shame left…

Last time I talked to Mav on FB was exactly a week ago. Not sure his binge yesterday had anything to do with it. Nor mine a couple of days earlier.

But you’re right, CG’s when together will sometimes romanticize gambling. I’ve done it many times on my own.

Thanks Geordie.

[I_Maverick]

All good points. No one on this thread made me gamble last night. I did it. It started with £10 and grew and grew and grew. I think there was a part of me that wanted to have one final big win. And actually, I got what I wanted. As I deposited 2K in desperation at the end and turned that into 4.5K. Obviously I was 2,5K down at that point – but by finishing even I am a winner because now I know I am a CG.

I just came back from GA where I knew loads of people and my mentor, who has not gambled for 9 years. He has been brilliant.

Anyway guys, I am off to bed. Gonna put the computer away out of site.

[vera]

One thing I have learned about this damn addiction, JD is when I want to gamble I will go through flying bullets to get my fix. Nobody/nothing will stop me!
As for “triggers”, I have also learned that these are really excuses! I listed many! Having said that, when I read details of peoples’ experiences I recall the “good times” (HA HA!) and think ” Maybe I could get one more glimpse of those joys (sic!)
Wasnt it great that Adam had Eve to blame for giving him that apple in the Garden of Paradise?
In the history of Humanity nothing has changed. The men always blame the women for their weakness and immaturity!
“Frailty, thy name is woman”!!!
lol!
Time to man up JD
This goddam game has us all flattened.
We can bluff all we like!
Take a Leaf of of Geordie’s book!

[jansdad]

You’re funny, and geordie is too, if you think I believe you had anything to do with my relapse.

I had people lure me into gambling, sweettalk me into gambling, lend me money to gamble, people had girls over at their joint so we would go and gamble there and I never, never thought it’s anyone’s fault by mine. Not for a split second did I ever blame anyone but myself. And how could I? How could anyone? It’s all up to us…

[I_Maverick]

Gutted that you relapsed mate. Why? Yesterday the urge to play BJ was really strong as the moey I withdrew went into my account. Excatly what I took out was returned. How the —- I ended up evens I do not know. Someone looked kindly upon me. I know in the depths of my depravity that night I prayed to god (of my understanding) and said if I could have my money back I would never gamble again. The agreement was struck. I know if I gamble again devastation will not be far away. So I must be strong and resiliant and understand once and for all that there is no answer to any of my problems in gambling. It will only make new ones.

I am on day 2. The clock is ticking.

[I_Maverick]

Dude, we have just installed NetNanny on my computer. Works with PC and MAC. Don’t know why we didn’t do this sooner. I now cannot gamble and I can forget about it. All gambling sites are now blocked. I have tried to access ALL the poker and casino sites I can find.

Funny how I have to be treated like a child to move on.

Do it mate. You won’t regret it if you are serious about quitting gambling.

All my love and hugs and kisses.

[jansdad]

I installed http://www1.k9webprotection.com/ but will look at netnanny too. It’s this one http://http://www.netnanny.com/ right?

I couldn’t / didn’t want to install it till now for a reason. I didn’t mention this here, but I was involved in arbitrage sport betting. A couple of guys I was introduced to made this program that fully automates arbitrage betting, ensuring small profits. So, about half a year ago I invested 20K into it and it has been working like a charm, averaging about 5% on my money monthly. I would have to pay the guys 40% of my profits, but I still averaged 3%+ on my money monthly. Not bad, since no bank will give you more than 2% on your money annually. And there was no risk. I mean there wouldn’t be any risk in an ideal world. But because I’m a cg and I had access to those accounts that money wasn’t save there. So back in October I gambled on those accounts (there’s 6 accounts in total) and lost about 8k. That left me with 12K and my profits were reduced, but it was still a nice ROI on the money that I would otherwise have in the bank bearing no interest.
I gambled in November and December, but I didn’t touch the money in those accounts. I didn’t gamble January and most of February and I finally went into these accounts yesterday and lost 4K. I played black jack and what not.

I realized I posted on your thread yesterday Mav instead of on my own, I was out of my mind the whole night, I didn’t know what I was doing.

Anyway, I have decided to quit arbitrage betting, explaining those people that it’s not for me ‘cos i’m a cg and having money available online and ready to be gambled away is not an option for me. They disabled automatic betting for me, but there’s still a few bets open and I have to wait a couple of days till they settle. I installed the K9 protection and will activate it as soon as the bets clear and I cash out the money. I chose a long random password and when I activate it I will throw it away. As well the password for the email address I set up just for K9. So, I won’t be able to access any gambling sites. I used K9 before and it worked pretty good and it’s not invasive on your computer as some other software. But I will check Net Nanny too.

So I ruined a good thing, close to 40% return on my money p.a. is an incredible deal, but it’s not an option for me.

Upward and onwards as you Brits say.

[vera]

GAMBLING RUINS LIVES JD!
Hard to kiss it ALL goodbye, isn’t it?
Did you tell your wife all this?
My husband really can’t get his head around the havoc gambling has created in my life.

[jansdad]

No, I didn’t tell my wife vera. Just like your husband she couldn’t get her head around it. No non-gambler could.

I was going to tell her cos I needed money to pay my debts. But now with 8K coming from what’s left from arbitrage betting, there’s no immediate pressure.
I do have to come up with 20K that was originally invested in arbitrage betting, but I think I have a year for that.

Gambling ruins lives, yes Vera.

[velvet]

Hi Jansdad
I, in company with thousands of others, got my head round it. Agreed we needed to be shown the way but having been shown it, it was much easier to offer the right support.
Velvet

[butchugly]

How are you. It’s been 5 days since you have posted…

[Author]

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