[velvet]

Hi Dylan
Well done joining our forum. Knowledge of your father’s addiction will hopefully help you to cope so that you can make informed decisions that are right for both you and your father.
The addiction to gamble is not about winning money to buy things, or for saving for a rainy day. The ‘gamble’ itself is all important and it is the gamble that disturbs the mind of the CG (compulsive gambler) and wrecks the lives of those who love them.
Your father did not want, (or ask for) his addiction, any more than you, or the rest of your family – but it has wrought considerable wreckage over the years and sadly has the ability to cause even more destruction unless treated. It is an addiction that brings failure to its owner because the CG cannot walk away until all is lost resulting in misery and depression.
Does your father acknowledge he has a problem?
I hear and understand that because of his age and health issues you are unwilling to come down hard on your father’s addiction but sadly, without treatment, it will worsen. Putting groceries into his kitchen and paying car repair bills direct to the garage mechanic is good but giving cash to a CG is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic. By ‘lending’ money to your father, you have been unwittingly feeding his addiction which has a voracious appetite.
I don’t know if your father has ever sought help but if he hasn’t, maybe it would be a good idea to use your search engine to find ‘GA – 20 Questions’, perhaps you could print them off and suggest he reads them. Many CGs do not appreciate that their addiction is recognised and that there is help available for them but they do need to accept they have a problem if they want to change.
Your father is indeed lucky to have a caring son like you but it would be unwise to think that his addiction will not encroach further on your life – it has the capacity to bring down all those around it.
I will leave my first post to you there and await your reply. Please ask any questions you may have and I will answer you as best I can. I have a live group on Tuesdays between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time where we could communicate in real time, nothing that is said in that group appears on the forum and you would be very welcome.
I would not be writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result – it is never too late.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi GG
Well done writing your post, I know it would not have been easy.
I know that what I am about to say doesn’t change anything overnight but I do know that it works. The best thing you can do for you and your mom is to put ‘you’ first. You are not responsible for your mom or her addiction; you cannot save her from herself; the only person you can save is you and you deserve not to live in the shadow of her addiction. It all sounds so easy but I know how difficult it is – she has raised you, you feel you owe her a duty of care because she is your mom.
I felt responsible when the addiction was close to me. It was so hard to begin to understand that I could not change my CG (compulsive gambler). I believed for 25 years that my love would conquer all and as a result I spent 25 years doing everything wrong for all the right reasons. It was so hard to put me first when I had spent my life putting my CG first. In my head I argued that this would not/could not change anything but in fact it changed everything.
I can’t address all your points in this first post but I wanted to let you know that you had been heard and that you are among those who understand you.
It is hard not to get in to an argument with someone who has this addiction which is the master of manipulation. The following is not professionally recognised as a method of coping but I know from personal experience and the experiences of many others that it does work.
Never forget that it is your mom who is controlled by the addiction to gamble but ‘you’ are not. Her addiction is a merciless master of threats and manipulation but you are not and nor do you ever want to be. Imagine your mom’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool it will stay quiet but when it feels threatened it leaps from the corner, to stand between you, causing and controlling an argument that is scarey. Once it is active you will only hear the addiction speak and it will seek to blame and demoralize you. When ‘you’ speak, on the other hand, the addiction changes the reality of what you are saying to fit your mother’s perception of herself and that is what she hears.
My CG said that he couldn’t believe me when I told him he would live more happily if he lived honestly because his addiction was distorting his mind and convincing him that my words were lies, that I didn’t really love him, that I couldn’t possibly know or care what he felt. The addiction to gamble offers failure to those who own it. CGs believe they are unlovable, worthless failures who fight back in every way possible because they don’t have any other coping mechanism than to escape into a gamble.
If you can stand back a bit and listen to what your mom is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you.
By looking after you first you will become stronger, you will reclaim your own life and be able to cope and make the right decisions for your relationship. One of the best ways to win the fight against the addiction is not to play the game.
I have a Friends and Family group on Tuesdays between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time. Although I cannot tell you what to do – because all decisions you make have to be ‘yours’, I will answer your questions honestly – It will be great to ‘meet’ you in real time.
If anything I say confuses you or if you want to ask anything else please post again soon.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Jansdad and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi SJ
You have given ‘fear’ a shape and a smell but what is the opposite of fear? What does that look and smell like ?
Your positive post brightened my day – thank you.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Soph
It is the old chicken and egg question – what came first, the addiction to gamble or the depression. What I do know is that many CGs become depressed as a result of their addiction.
It is good that your bf is acknowledging he has a problem with gambling – I hope by now he has successfully self-banned from the casinos he had been visiting. Words are easy but actions are imperative if he is to control his addiction.
In my opinion he would be better telling his friends he has a problem. Your bf has a recognised addiction that he neither asked for nor wanted so there is no shame to be had; especially now he is determining to fight it. Encouraging a CG to go to the casino, or giving a CG money, is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic but his friends will not appreciate this if they are kept in the dark.
The best advice I can give you is that you do not enable his addiction by clearing any debts he may have incurred or giving him any money. Looking after ‘you’ is so important because when he takes his leap of faith into recovery the more wreckage there is from his addiction the harder it will be for him to face his demons.
I hope you will post again and tell us how you are progressing but in the meantime, I wish you well.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Soph
As I am sure you are aware, alcohol lowers resistance and so together with your boyfriend’s addiction to gamble you are seeing a cycle of poor behaviour with a bad reaction coming from the bad action. I have brought up my thread entitled the F&F Cycle which I hope will help you recognise that what you have experienced is understood. The CG (compulsive gambler) is caught in a never ending cycle of events which requires courage and determination to stop -and the same applies to those who love them
You have done well not shouting at your bf when he returns because shouting, pleading, crying only wears you out and has no effect on his addiction. However you are anxious and on edge the whole time he is out and that is not doing you any good at all – anxiety will take away your self-confidence and self-esteem.
I know that the following suggestion sounds weak in the face of what you are going through but for those of us who love CGs it is the best thing we can do and that is to look after ourselves. The CG addiction is selfish and if your bf determines to change his life, his recovery will be selfish too so unless you determine to be selfish with your life – you could easily become lost in his addiction. Keep up with your friends, don’t hide away, do the things that please ‘you’, the things that maybe you have stopped doing because of worrying about your bf’s addiction such as hobbies and sports. While your bf gambles he has no thought of anything but the gamble so he is not taking any responsibility for your relationship, so looking after you comes down to you. We cannot save the CG we love – we can only save ourselves.
There is a Friends and Family group today between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time – it would be great to talk to you in real time – nothing that is said appears on the forum.
I know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled which is why I write in this forum. Keep posting – it is therapeutic to write and you will always be heard.
Velvet

[velvet]

For Soph

[velvet]

Hi Soph
I am sorry I have not replied earlier but I have been away for a long weekend.
Well done writing your first post, I know how hard it is to write such things down. I will respond later today.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Julie Michelle
I have put this post twice on Hope’s thread in the hope that you are still reading Julie.
Please start you own thread and/or pop in to an F&F group. It is always frustrating to see a member sandwiched on another thread and therefore unable to get the individual support that they deserve.
Every member is replied to individually because each and every one of us is unique.
Sharing the worry of your loved ones addiction can be very therapeutic – there is no judgement here, only understanding.
Hoping to hear from you
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Julie Michelle
Please start you own thread and/or pop in to an F&F group. It is always frustrating to see a member sandwiched on another thread and therefore unable to get the individual support that they deserve.
Every member is replied to individually because each and every one of us is unique.
Sharing the worry of your loved ones addiction can be very therapeutic – there is no judgement here, only understanding.
Hoping to hear from you
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Hopeful
How much I appreciated your post.
You do deserve to be loved and treated as an equal – hopefully soon you can turn the miserable experience you have had into something good for yourself and your children. You are strong even if you don’t feel it yet. In my opinion, if being a little less tolerant means learning to say ‘no’ then it is a good thing to learn – something that many of us have had to discover the hard way.
Please don’t waste energy thinking that if you had done things differently the results for the CG, who has turned your life upside down, might have been better – you surrounded yourself with knowledge and you made an informed decision – you could not have been fairer, especially with two young children to protect. I am glad that Twilight has written to you, she offers a unique insight into what it is like to be the child of a CG.
Of course no one could, or should, judge you and if there are those that try then take comfort from knowing that unasked for criticism says more about them than about you. Give yourself time to rebuild your self-esteem and regain your confidence. Don’t waste your time trying to make sense of the senseless but enjoy finding yourself again – you certainly should like the person you find, she sounds very special to me.
Thank you for your post, I am sure it will help others.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Cathy
One of my favourite quotes is ‘success is not the result of spontaneous combustion; you must set yourself on fire first’.
I don’t know about new-age-ish but I do hope you can put guilt firmly behind you and take heart from the knowledge that you are standing up to your son’s addiction by not enabling it to grow further because of your actions.
I can hear you have lit the fire Cathy and I salute you – well done.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Hope
Well done joining this forum – I know it isn’t easy to pour everything out but you have made an excellent start and as you can already see there is judgement free support available.
Hope, I cannot tell you what to do because it is ‘your’ life but I can give you knowledge of your husband’s addiction so that you can make informed decisions. As Vera has indicated, it would be good to meet you in the F&F only group on Tuesdays between 20.00-21.00 UK time. In the group we can communicate in real time knowing that nothing that is said appears on this forum.
What has gone before cannot be changed but from now on it would be better if you didn’t threaten your husband with ultimatums that you might not be able to keep. The CG is the master of threats and when we back down on an ultimatum the addiction sees a weakness and seeks to use it.
Many CGs welcome help with their finances when they determine to live gamble-free but there is a difference between asking for support and having it thrust upon them.
Your husband’s addiction will probably be bouncing off the walls by now – he is blaming you because you are the nearest one to him, the person he thinks will give in to him and the person his addiction is telling him is the one denying him his so-called ‘pleasure’. As you have found, shouting, screaming, crying, pleading, tearing your hair out is useless against the addiction, it only wears you out – It is time to find another way to cope.
It is not recognized professionally but the following is a coping method that many of us have used at the beginning of our recovery to help us cope.
Imagine your husband’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten that addiction it stays quiet, although it never sleeps.
Your husband is controlled by his addiction but you are not – even though it feels like it sometimes. When you threaten his addiction, it comes between you and controls the conversation or argument. His addiction is the master of threats and manipulation which you are not and nor do you want to be. Once the addiction beast is between you, you will only hear that addiction speak and because it only knows lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. When you speak the addiction distorts your words and your husband cannot comprehend your meaning – you might as well be speaking through water..
My CG explained it to me by saying that when I told him (for instance) that if he didn’t lie but lived honestly he would be happy, his addiction was distorting his mind convincing him that I was lying because he truly believed that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure – he was lost and fought back angrily because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism. The addiction to gamble only offers failure to those who sadly own it.
I believe F&F waste valuable time ‘wanting’ to believe that the CG they love is telling the truth and that ‘this’ time, maybe, he/she is different. I think it is good, although difficult, to not ‘try’ and believe the CG because in doing so you become receptive. If you can stand back a bit and listen to what your husband is saying, it becomes easier to not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you. By looking after you first you will become stronger, you will reclaim your own life and be able to cope with your children and make the right decisions for your relationship. One of the best ways to win is not to play the game.
You are indeed young and it is unfair that this addiction has entered your life – however your husband did not want or ask for his addiction any more than you did. Having said that, you do need to protect your finances because you have young children to care for and your husband’s addiction does not want him to take responsibility, it is best therefore to put money in an account to which he has no access.
It is very lonely living with a CG and equally it is very lonely owning the addiction. Is your husband accepting that he has the addiction to gamble or is he still saying he knows what he is doing? If he does accept he has a serious problem then please encourage him to seek support from those who understand him as you and I cannot. In GA or in ‘My Forum’ on this site he will find other CGs who want to change their lives and who will support him, our helpline is excellent as are our CG groups.
I don’t imagine anybody living with this addiction has not felt their love turn to resentment – It certainly happened to me but I can tell you that I would not be writing here if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result.
I hope you will feel less lonely now that you are in a forum where ‘you’ are understood.
Speak soon and ask anything you want to know – you will always be heard.
Velvet

[velvet]

How about a mushroom – because even though they grow in the dark they will have great versatility and goodness once the light bulb is switched on?

[velvet]

Hi Worried
It was good to see you post and to get your update.
This may sound like nit picking but I hope it will help. Your son has ‘slipped’ twice and that is not the same as ‘relapsed’. A relapse is a total re-immersion in the addiction but a slip implies a desire for change even if a true recovery is still slipping through his fingers. Recoveries have ups and downs. I know that many CGs never tell their loved ones when a true recovery starts – mainly because they don’t know themselves, having experienced slips along the way.
I have absolutely no idea why my CG changed his life when he did – I have no idea how often he attempted to control his addiction and did not succeed. What I do know is that he went to GA for a time and then ‘relapsed’ following which there was a long devastating period with him in the wilderness but I also know that when he finally did enter a true recovery, the time spent in GA had made a difference – he had never forgotten what he heard at his meetings even if, for him, rehab was the final answer.
I cannot know when your son will retake control of his life but having been to GA for 7 months he will have knowledge of his addiction that he would not have had before, he will have shared with others how he feels, he will have been understood and that will have made a difference, however small – even when it seems, to you, that he hasn’t listened at all. As long as he tries to get back on that horse and sometimes succeeds in hanging on – he has hope and as long as you support him as you have been doing he has a greater chance of success.
Judging by your post, your understanding is pretty perfect – living the perfection is probably impossible. In refusing enablement you are giving your son the finest love and the greatest hope for him to live gamble-free – well done.
Great positive post – I hope you update again sometime soon
Velvet

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