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Dear Ell
What a terrific post – how good to hear from you.
It is so hard to be patient and wait for time to bring healing but sadly it is only time that can heal some wounds. Forgiveness is very special and I don’t think any of us can determine the day we will feel it but I hope dear Ell when that day comes your circle of happiness will be complete.
I am not sure it is right to forget because the experience was a large part of your life and it will have changed you. Taking something that is bad and turning it into a life experience that strengthens you is the most powerful vengeance anyone could have against the addiction to gamble.
It doesn’t surprise me to hear that you are still working hard but I hope in time you will enjoy the fruits of your labour. How wonderful to read that you have peace in your heart – you worked so hard for it and I know it wasn’t easy for you.
I wish you continued joy with your husband and your daughter – they are both very lucky to have Ell in their lives.
Maybe one day you will pop back again but of course I understand that this site has been a chapter in your life that is now rightfully closed.
Take care and enjoy your life
Όπως πάντα αγαπητέ Ell
με αγάπη
V

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Hi Laurie
I assume that at the present time your boyfriend is not in debt but is covering his gambling with a well paid job. Unfortunately when that is the case it is hard for the CG (compulsive gambler) to see the damage they are inflicting on themselves and those around them.
The addiction to gamble has nothing to do with money – the gamble is everything and that plays with the mind of the CG. Is your boyfriend moody when he has lost, does he get excited as the time comes for him to play again and does he blame you when things don’t go well?
With his gambling addiction fully active your boyfriend is unable to see that his ‘so-called’ dream is impossible and that he will always lose because he cannot walk away – which is the lot of a CG.
How well do you get on with his mum? She is enabling her son’s addiction by bailing him out and in doing so she is contributing towards his downfall and misery. Many people do not realise that they are enabling – believing that love will conquer all and thinking that bailing out means love. Can you talk to her?
Knowledge of the addiction to gamble will give you power over it, so please stick with the forum (and/or) groups as there is so much to learn that can help. The most important message I can give you in this first reply is to tell you to look after yourself. Those who love CGs put them first and spend 24 hours a day worrying about an addiction that they do not own. The CG spends 24 hours a day thinking about the gamble and does not worry about those around them because the addiction is a selfish one.
You are wearing yourself out with crying and being hysterical and you have been getting nowhere so it is time to try something different and that means looking after you first. This might sound poor support but when those around CGs are exhausted by the addiction, they often lose confidence and self-esteem, which leaves them unable to help anybody and that includes their addicted love one. I suspect you have lost friends and interests during the time you have been with your CG – you are probably giving him your all because you want to save him from himself. It is hard to accept but none of us can save a CG loved one – the only person who can save your boyfriend is himself and at the moment he doesn’t appear to want saving.
I am going to stop now although there is much to say but I want to get this first post to you so that you know you are being heard.
Velvet

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For Jessie – hope this helps

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Hi GG
It is really hard for someone who comes from an addiction free environment to understand it. If the addiction to gamble had not entered our lives without invitation, I doubt many of us would have been aware of it, or understood what it is like to live with it, either.
I think it is good that your boyfriend is talking about his concerns because it means the subject is out into the open – far better than ignoring something that ‘could’ affect you both if you haven’t dealt with it. I appreciate that he leaves you feeling worse sometimes – I know what it is like to hear unhelpful comments.
I have my thinking cap on to properly consider the question you have asked about how to talk to your boyfriend and I will write again soon.
Keep posting and ask anything you want to know
Velvet

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Hi GG
It is common that when a CG gets close to entering recovery that they act out in varying degrees. They are afraid to face the future without their addiction which they believe is of paramount importance to their well-being. I liken it to the loss of a best friend – the person you had confided in, loved and trusted more than anybody else. All your friends and family had told you that the friend was no good but it is hard for you to accept, especially during the break-up, when all you can remember is what you believe were the good times.
Your mum is facing a void in her life that she doesn’t yet know how to fill. Her counsellor cannot make your mum stop gambling but she should supply your mum with the tools to face her addiction, so that she can change herself.
Listening is an important support you can give your mum. Telling her you are there for her in her battle but letting her know that you are strong is good. The thing that struck me most when my CG entered his gamble-free life was that he had to learn to trust me. I was there to be absolutely honest but not judgmental. I was there to have compassion but not softness. I was there to give an ear but not enablement.
I would be delighted to meet you in the Friends and Family group on Tuesdays 20.00-21.00 hour UK time.
This will be a difficult time for you, never give up hope but keep your expectations quiet and avoid arguments that achieve nothing but loss of energy. Functional relationships do not come overnight following the experience you have had. You will probably feel impatient for change but your mum will have a greater impatience – you can both only take one day at a time (ODAAT).
Keep posting – you are doing well
Velvet

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I see nothing ‘very small’ about not engaging in gambling over the past week.
Thanks for the update – please don’t wait another year before we hear again – the moral support is always here.
We can only change ourselves whoever we are but I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t know you could – and if I hadn’t.
V

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Hi Dadda
I feel, having read your posts and replies to others that you are holding a lot of anger and I am concerned that living with so much pain is neither healthy nor necessary. I appreciate you have done nothing wrong but you are obviously struggling with the outcome of a traumatic divorce. I am sorry to read that you have found your therapy an exercise in futility and would suggest you change your therapist as counsellors do vary and finding the right one is so important – perhaps it is time for you to decide what serves you and what you should let go.
Researching too deeply into a subject without proper direction can lead the unwitting into a mire of misunderstanding and in my experience doesn’t help those who love CGs one jot. I have not found ‘intentional’ malice to be a tool of the CG and suggesting different personality disorders doesn’t help.
You have not been talking to yourself, I have read every post you have written but most of the problems you have described do not come within the remit of this site and as such it is impossible for me (or any member) to comment on the fairness, or otherwise, of US divorce laws or court orders, nor can I comment on your PTSD apart from reiterating that looking after oneself is the most important thing you can do.
I would urge you to seek counselling from those who are properly able to advise you and who can support you as you deserve.
I wish you well
Velvet

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Dear Ican
The days may be adding up slowly but the fact they are adding up sure sounds good to me. Perhaps it is time now to forget to count and just enjoy the feeling of being gamble-free.
I know I have said it before but I know Ucan Ican and Uare.
The meditation sounds wonderful
I wish you health and peace of mind
Velvet

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Dear Kathryn
I hope you have a wonderful New Year
As Ever
V

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Hi Kpat
I just popped over to see how you were doing and to wish you a Happy New Year.
Losing resolve is one thing and acting on it is quite another. You are recovering your desire to control your addiction and that is retaking your resolve.
I hope that buying scratch cards again, a few days after you had bought some indicates to you how much you need to be on your guard in these early days.
I would argue, having read your thread that you do have determination. Patience is harder and I am aware of how much patience you need BUT the reward for your patience will be great. One day at a time is all you have to worry about – be patient for one day and believe me one day you will be strong – if it wasn’t true I wouldn’t be here.
Your dad, son and husband sound great supports. I would suggest that you tell your husband that buying scratch cards is not good for you. He possibly felt a little gamble was a reward for him standing up to you earlier – those of us who love CGs need to learn what is good and what is not if we are to give the support you need.
Hope the slippers keep you warm and safe in 2015
Velvet

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Hi Jansdad
Just a thought – if your wife ‘knew’ that you were struggling in the evening and late at night she could support you. Loved ones can be very difficult when they are blinded by ignorance – when they are kept in the dark how can they know how to behave? .
Your wife is affected by what you do and who you are but because she is in unaware she cannot ‘choose’ to support you and thereby support herself also. Are you afraid that, if you tell her, the door you are holding slightly ajar will be closed?
I wish you health and happiness in 2015 and I look forward to you closing the stable door to keep the horse safe from bolting.
Velvet

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Hello There Frozen
As usual a greeting that tells us very little about whether you are locked in ice, a melted puddle, a pile of coats, sweaters and blankets OR someone who is living out of the shadow of his addiction.
As a far too infrequent, but always welcome visitor – tell me Frozen, how are ‘you’ – you do know what I mean?
Velvet – +10c here – mmmmmm

[velvet]

Dear kpat
It is impossible for a non-CG to really understand how you feel – I think your husband is still learning how to cope and he will say the wrong things sometimes because that’s what we do! I spent 25 years saying and doing all the wrong things for all the right reasons, we need guidance and support too and we don’t always know where to find it. When my CG determined to control his addiction, I asked him to help me so that I wouldn’t put my great foot in it and it was one of the best things I ever did. Keep communication open with your husband, letting him know what does and does not help.
I think you did win when the scratch card caused you to feel terrible, you had a slip and fortunately it hurt which hopefully will make you more determined.
Consumerism is trying to hijack Christmas and sadly many thousands of families will feel the misery of debt – on top of that those who would encourage you to give in to your addiction will be doing their damndest to relieve you of any money and hope you have. Having read all your thread tonight I know that you are aware of the true meaning of Christmas – love is more important than any present and that includes loving yourself. You described a wonderful day in Orlando earlier in your thread, hang in there kpat because there are many, many more wonderful days to be had in control of your addiction.
I think this is a particularly tough time for a CG so keep posting, I know it takes tremendous courage to control your addiction but I know you can do it.
Thinking about you at this special time
Velvet

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Hi Jansdad
I cannot tell you what to do but I can tell you is what it is like to hear that a CG loved one has gambled.

When I was eventually told it was hell on earth BUT with understanding and support from those who understood ‘my’ position I learned to cope. My CG could not give me that understanding anymore than I could understand him at that time.

It is my belief that many CGs labour under the misapprehension that they have kept their secret safe. I didn’t know it was a gambling addiction that was damaging my relationship but I did know that my CG was one of the unhappiest people I knew – and that hurt me.

It was in Gamanon that I found my salvation. It learned that although I couldn’t save him I could make a difference to me and ultimately to him. It was seeing the effort he made to overcome his addiction that made all the difference to both of us.

You are trying to change your life and I can hear that in your posts – I believe the more support you get the greater your hope of success will be. On this site we have the Friends and Family forum and I also facilitate the Friends and Family group. If you do brave the storm, which I think you will agree would be an understandable reaction on your wife’s part, maybe you could ask her to come on our forum or go into the closed F&F group where I would be delighted to welcome and support her.

Your post implies that your wife knows you have a problem and has stood by you before and maybe this is why you feel she would not do it again but it is my belief that those of us who love CGs cope better knowing the full truth about the addiction rather than hearing explanations from our loved ones that we cannot comprehend.

I know that you neither asked for your addiction nor wanted it, nor deserved it but does your wife know that? F&F take the pain that the addiction inflicts on them personally – they think they have failed. I know it is not personal, I know I did not fail and that knowledge has helped me.

In my opinion, it is essential that the CG is supported in changing their life but the non-CG cannot know this unless they are in the picture. My CG has changed his life so I know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled but I also know that there is no cure. I therefore live with knowledge of the addiction but it doesn’t dictate my happiness anymore.

Whatever you decide to do I hope you will keep posting. Forget a tap on the shoulder, I am thumping you on yours – a wonderful gamble-free life awaits you if you grab it with both hands and don’t let go.

I wish you well

Velvet

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<

Hello Ula

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

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