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velvetModerator
Hi San
I don’t think I would go into a discussion with him about ‘emotional blackmail’ – I am not sure he would even understand the phrase while he is like this. I suggest that his sole thought is to get money to feed his addiction and he is shooting his mouth off in any direction hoping for a reaction. Once he gets a reaction, any reaction, he is in like a thing possessed – it worked before and it could work again. He is trying to wear you down San and I’m afraid the only thing I can think of for you to do positively is to go back through all your posts and remind yourself of when you were in this position before and see how well you survived and then put more steel into your barriers.
You know that his blaming you for his girlfriend walking out is a load of old eyewash. Whether she walks away, or not, is entirely up to her. If he was thinking logically or reasonable he would never make such a ridiculous accusation.
I don’t think he ‘understands’ what he is doing. He is out of control and just sees a brick wall blocking his way that has to be dismantled brick by brick. It’s tough to see ourselves as obstacles but when the addiction is going full pelt I think it is best to be aware that it can ride over us and move on, without a second thought. As Madge so rightly says we do only have limited resources – look after yours.
Please keep posting
VvelvetModeratorDear San
Of course I am sending you ‘stay strong’ vibes, I send them to you even when you are not posting because you made such an impression on me. I so wish we could sit together – cyber space seem so inadequate at times.
You sound as though you are feeling dwarfed by the situations around you but I know you have an inner strength and will overcome. You know I cannot tell you what to do but if it was me I would be telling my CG ‘don’t talk to me about money because I have none to give – I will end this communication if you ask for money’ and then end it if he doesn’t stop. I can hear you have had enough and I believe I can hear rock bottom. ‘No’ is such a small word but I know how hard it is to say – don’t let his addiction take away any more of the happiness you have fought for, you deserve so much more than this and you know his addiction is NOT your fault. I imagine that you are speaking to your CG for him to be penetrating your barriers like this – you are hearing his addiction too loudly – can you get back to text messages only, giving you time to think and also the ability to switch off and delete unpleasant messages?
I am so very sorry to hear that you partner has cancer and I can only pray that it has been caught in time and he will stay strong. My hope for you is as always, that your illness has remained in remission and will continue to do so.
I hope that your other children are giving you joy.
I send my best wishes to you and your partner.
Speak soon
VvelvetModeratorHi Melany
You may well be young but your attitude is mature, Starting a thread and writing your first post, which is always the hardest, will hopefully give you a head start on your partner’s behaviour.
Everything you are doing is right, protecting your password and handling the finances is great. However, CGs do have a knack of finding money so watch what comes in the post and keep checking your accounts for any odd movement. Knowledge of his addiction and its capabilities will give you power over it.
Your partner is the naïve one, believing that all he has to do is not gamble because unfortunately abstinence is not recovery. It is quite common for CGs not to turn up at GA or counselling meetings because they are afraid of what they will hear and what they may be called upon to do. Although your partner appears to be accepting he has an addiction, it seems to me that he is keeping the door open just enough to give him space to manoeuvre, in the hope that things will settle down so his addiction can go on its own sweet way.
It takes a lot of courage and determination to control the addiction to gamble. It is a secretive, divisive and all consuming addiction and your partner is lucky to have you and your strength on his side, although, unfortunately he will almost certainly not appreciate how lucky he is at the moment.
In this first post I will confine myself to telling you the most important thing you can do – and that is to look after ‘you’ which ultimately is also the finest thing you can do for your partner. However much an active CG loves someone, they are unable to accept responsibility for that relationship while their addiction dominates their minds 24 hours a day. Looking after you therefore will help to protect your relationship.
The addiction to gamble has nothing to do with money and that is something that all those who love CGs spend a lot of time trying to understand. I cannot tell you what to do but I recommend you do not try to make sense of the senseless, as it will wear you out and not help you at all. The addiction is all about the gamble – money is a means to an end and giving money to a CG is like giving a drink to an alcoholic.
Why is looking after you so important? When you devote your time and energy into a CG who is not controlling his/her addiction, it is easy to lose yourself. It is easy to spend 24 hours a day worrying until gradually your own personality is sucked up and the addiction claims a second victim. Your self-esteem and confidence can be destroyed with nothing gained for you or your loved one. Keep your other friendships alive, don’t give up on hobbies and interests and make sure that every day you spend time without gambling at the forefront of your mind. However much time you spend worrying, it will change nothing.
Keep posting, there is so much more to say but I remember trying to take it all in myself and I know it is easier in small doses. Ask all the questions you want to ask. Do you have family to support you? I appreciate that unless you have lived with this addiction if it almost impossible to understand what it is like and often friends and family do say all the wrong things through ignorance. However, with non-judgemental understanding here and loving support on the ground I hope you will find the strength you need.
VelvetvelvetModerator<
Hello Melany
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, youll find the times for these if you click on the Group times box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself youll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and theyll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If youre the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isnt connected with GMA, please dont identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
Youll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which youll follow, some you wont…but thats ok because only you fully understand your
situation and whats best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you dont because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at ourprivacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
velvetModerator<
Hello Whatif and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties youre currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if youre new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. Were in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like youre not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
And on that note….
Im going to hand you over to our community because Im sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
22 January 2015 at 10:35 pm in reply to: Rock Bottom = Suicide (what a mistake that would have been) #28072velvetModeratorHi Wishbone
I couldn’t agree more that it would have been a terrible mistake and a dreadful loss. You are a unique and important person and we are glad to welcome you to this forum.
I am mostly to be found in the Friends and Family section but I noticed your first post and wanted just to say hi, give you our official welcome and also offer a personal welcome.
I pop over often and read the posts in My Journal and I look forward to hearing your progress.
Well done on writing your first post – the first one is always the hardest.
Velvet22 January 2015 at 10:29 pm in reply to: Rock Bottom = Suicide (what a mistake that would have been) #28070velvetModerator<
Hello Wishbone and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties youre currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if youre new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. Were in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like youre not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
And on that note….
Im going to hand you over to our community because Im sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
velvetModeratorHi Loom
There is no finite answer to your question – we all react in different ways but I will give you my thoughts on it.
In my opinion, healing must come first and in the same way that healing has to be selfish for the CG so it has to be for those who love the CG because neither can heal the other. Unless we heal I don’t think we can forgive, trust, rebuild or share – it would be like walking on thin, cracked ice without any hope of gaining solid ground.
I suppose that constructing the new way or determining the new relationship comes next. When I was in Gamanon I heard outcomes from the addiction that I had not expected. We had husbands/wives and partners in my group and down the corridor were the respective husband/wives and partners in the GA meeting. Some were adamant that forgiveness was never going to occur because they had done nothing wrong (which indeed they had not. Through no fault of their own they had found the addiction to gamble forced on them and were determined that blame for it lay solely with the CG. My firm belief is that a CG could/would never want or ask for this horrific addiction, anymore than those who love them, so to my mind when a CG has the courage to control his/her addiction they deserve support, not blame. I was fortunate that the lady who led my meetings was married to a CG who was 12 years into his gamble-free life and that was 10 years ago. (He is still gamble-free and a remarkable man). She helped me heal and accept that although I had done nothing wrong, I could not have known how to do that which was right for my loved one weighed down with a secretive, divisive, destructive addiction.
So with healing I believe that discussion on constructing the way forward can take place.
I believe that true forgiveness can only come with understanding and depends on the individuals involved. For some it can come before healing but for me it took a very long time. I remember being surprised by it and subsequently liberated by it.
Trust is the most difficult of all. Year of deception, countless lies, manipulations of situations when you felt you were in control of your life and you were not, all add up to a terrible loss of trust. Knowledge helps to understand the lies and deceptions but it is my belief that retaking control of your own life is one of the major properties of healing and the thing that carries you through to safety.
I can only tell you that I did regain trust and hope that some of the above answers some of your questions.
Keep posting
VelvetvelvetModeratorHi again Loom
Something I had not expected when my CG entered recovery was that he had to learn to trust me.
It did not surprise me that I did not trust him, I would have been naive to do so – but in fact he did not expect to be trusted because for quite a long time he couldn’t trust himself. He was determined to live gamble-free but he knows he is a CG and will always be a CG. In the early days he could only offer his hope and determination and in reality has never promised anything else but to carry on the same way taking one day at a time.
I asked him to help me support him as I didn’t want to muck up his hope of a good life. He was reluctant, feeling I think, that I had already been through enough but somewhere in our discussions I became aware that what I thought and said mattered more than it ever had before. I have thought about this a lot – an unexpected light bulb moment where the blaze surprised and changed me.
During the long gambling years he had not trusted me – his addiction didn’t want him to trust me. My words to him were worthless – he didn’t know honesty and didn’t expect to hear it back as a result. I don’t do ‘what ifs’ or ‘if onlys’, nor do I dwell in the past but I use it for reference only and I have considered what I would have said to him that was not honest and therefore in keeping with his addictive mind set. In desperation many times, for instance, I would have told him that there was no money so I could not enable him. However his addiction sensed the fudging of the truth and in time, following emotional manipulation way in excess of anything I could have believed possible, I would ‘find’ some money to pay for whatever – of course it was used to shore up his gambling before I had closed my purse.
With his recovery came an understanding to him of what he had done. He knew that he had taken a leap of faith and that he was determined to live gamble-free, he knew he had sought recovery and gained the tools to change but what had I been doing? As far as he knew I was the same – intolerant, two-faced, addiction- ignorant and definitely ignorant of all he had learned about himself. What he didn’t know was that I had determined to try and understand and in doing so I had changed too. My way was to go to Gamanon which is the sister of GA. I asked questions about everything, I struggled, raved, cried through every meeting so that when my CG eventually told me that I had done everything wrong for all the right reasons I didn’t argue as I would have done – I understood.
I have to leave it there for now but I hope I am giving you the support you seek. Please keep posting and ask any questions you have.
You have recognised that there is much work ahead and it is probably as hard as the work that has gone before but it is different. Seeking your recovery is tough but it is a step in the right direction – it is the best thing that you can do for you and ultimately for your CG.
VelvetvelvetModeratorHi Loom
The above is our official welcome and this is my personal one.
Recognising that ‘you’ need to recover is an important step towards doing so. When a loved one takes the leap of faith towards living in control of the addiction to gamble it calls for different strengths from those who love them. It isn’t easy and I am glad that you have had the courage to start a thread so that you know that you are not alone at this time.
It is late for me but I just wanted to say ‘hi’ and let you know that you have been heard. A walk in the park is certainly not what it is but hopefully it is a walk to freedom and I will gladly share that walk with you and hopefully support you.
VelvetvelvetModerator<
Hello Loombandman
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, youll find the times for these if you click on the Group times box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself youll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and theyll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If youre the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isnt connected with GMA, please dont identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
Youll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which youll follow, some you wont…but thats ok because only you fully understand your
situation and whats best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you dont because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at ourprivacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
velvetModeratorHi ailujym
If you have used your own name or are concerned that you are recognisable on the forum it is always possible to have your username changed. If this is something you would like to do please email email@gamblingtherapy.org or contact the Helpline.
It is important, however, for the continued success of the forum that as many different stories remain visible as possible because it is through them new members get to know that their problem are recognised and understood. Although sharing is the life-blood of this site it is understood that there are some things that members prefer not to put on a public forum and to this end I am happy to hear from you and answer your questions. Please contact email@gamblingtherapy.org or the Helpline for my personal email address.
I have been wondering what was going on in your life and look forward to an update.
VvelvetModeratorHi Ali
I can see that you are giving support to others which is terrific but please don’t forget to ask for support for yourself.
How are things with you? Have you found out what works for you?
Speak soon
VelvetvelvetModeratorDear ailujym
Your reply throws up a couple of thoughts that I hope to help you with.
Low self-esteem comes with the addiction and is not necessarily first.
Absolutely and utterly reject guilt. You did not ask for or want his addiction anymore than he did BUT only ‘he’ can change his life – you are not to blame in any way for his addiction.
Unfortunately many, many CGs have to be seriously hurt by their addiction until they seek to change their lives. Mine would not have changed as long as I enabled.
Believe me I understand your cry ‘but I love him’ – unfortunately his addiction understands that cry only too well.
I am not and never would suggest parting from the man you love. All decisions must be yours, but I would be doing you a disservice if I wasn’t completely honest.
You are right that he would probably not understand your decision to not move with him but it is because he doesn’t want to understand – it threatens his addiction.
A coping method, not recognized professionally but one many of us have used at the beginning of our recovery is to imagine your partner’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten it, it stays quiet but it never sleeps.
Your partner is controlled by that addiction but you are not. When you threaten his addiction it leaps between you and because it is the master of threats and manipulation (which you are not and nor do you want to be) it will control the conversation or argument. Once the addiction beast is between you, you will only hear his addiction speak and because it only knows lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. When you speak to your partner the addiction distorts your words and he will not comprehend your meaning.
My CG explained it to me by saying that all the time I was telling him that if he didn’t lie but lived honestly he would be happy, his addiction was distorting his mind – convincing him that I was lying because he truly believed that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure – he was lost and fought back because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism
If you can stand back a bit and listen to what your partner is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you.
By looking after you first you will become stronger because one of the best ways to win is not to play the game.
I will send this to help you in your thinking but please keep posting.
You are doing well, even if you think you are not
VvelvetModeratorHi ailujym
I am glad you found your way to the forums. Unfortunately you did pop up in the F&F ‘Topic Forum’ which got somewhat depleted when we moved site not long ago and which isn’t up and running properly again – yet. Harry has moved you and hopefully you will be reading this.
It is one of the problems F&F have, I think, that we see the addiction in terms of money, which kind of makes more sense to the non-CG (compulsive gambler), because trying to understand that ‘the gamble’ itself is the problem doesn’t equate with reason and logic.
When you stop and look, it is always the behaviour that has hurt you most – the lies, the deceit, the needless arguments and the misery. The loss of money was a problem but it was nothing compared to the loss of your self-esteem, the inability for you to trust and the overall feeling that you were to blame for the madness that engulfed you.
I cannot tell you what to do because it is important that you make your own informed decisions and I hope that this site will support you with those.
I am concerned when I read that you are worried that your own recovery could be at risk if you move away from your friends and the ground support you now have. The addiction to gamble is divisive and secretive, it isolates those it hopes will enable it and that is a real risk which I would hope you will weigh up very carefully.
In AA I think you will have come across the ‘20 questions’, I would suggest you print off the Gamblers Anonymous set of 20 questions and ask you partner to look at them. It is possible that your partner is unaware of the support that is available for him; he certainly seems unaware that the defences he puts up for his addiction, are well-worn and baseless arguments that hold no sway with CGs who live gamble-free.
Your partner is almost certainly suffering low self-esteem and lack of confidence because his addiction guarantees failure and living with failure is destructive to his mind, hence the massive mood swings. He does love to gamble but his love is a toxic mistress who does not love him and who will bring him down if he doesn’t seek support.
Active CGs think about the gamble 24 hours a day and those who love them often find themselves spending an equal amount of time worrying about the affects of gambling, thus the addiction claims two victims for the price of one. As the worry increases, so the stress levels rocket and those who are closest to the CG lose their way. In that perilous state F&F become unable to help anybody.
Please put yourself first. I believe you when you say that your partner is a lovely guy but sadly he is a lovely guy with an addiction to gamble. I like many CGs but liking and loving them, does not and will not save them. Looking after you will ultimately be the greatest help you can give your CG partner.
If it was me I would tell my partner that I had sought help because I was worried. Maybe you could leave the directions to GA, gambling addiction websites and dedicated addiction counsellors lying around, giving information on where help is to be found, it might help him focus on the reality of his ‘pleasure’.
I have no idea why on a certain day and at a certain time my CG had, had enough. We had been estranged for some time when during a strained telephone conversation I mentioned the name of a rehab centre. It was no more than a sign-post for him which I hoped would say I was still on his side – but I could not and would not live with his addiction. Only he knows but maybe, just maybe it was the trigger for him to determine to live gamble-free.
I wouldn’t be writing to you ailujym if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result. It takes determination and courage but it can be done and is done.
Please keep posting and never forget how important ‘you’ are. You are not to blame for his addiction.
Speak soon
Velvet -
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