[velvet]

Good to see you post Jay

How are things with you

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi GV
Even though I know it would be fair, I cannot say if it would be rash for you to tell your mother that you want to split all the household bills between the two of you. I cannot tell you what to do – I can only support you so that ultimately you will be able to make informed decisions about what is right for you. I believe the ability to know what to do comes with knowledge of the addiction.
The answer to your question will always lie with you. ‘If’ you had the conversation you suggest, would she listen or understand? It is unlikely she would do either if her addiction is active. Have you thought through the consequences of her answer? Threats and ultimatums with someone with an active addiction are, in my view, a waste of energy. Unless you have fully thought through what you will do if/when she does not keep her side of the bargain, then I suggest you don’t make the suggestion – yet. Every time you make a threat or an ultimatum which you cannot carry through, her addiction will see it as a weakness on your part.
Do you have a good relationship with your father? Is he aware of your concerns? If your father does not live in the home then it seems to me that him having a fit, if she reneges on her debt, is not nearly as bad as the misery and fear that this situation is causing you, his daughter. If your dad has opted out of responsibility to his wife, leaving you to feel like the surrogate spouse then, in my opinion, you have a right to demand support for you. I think it is right that he is made aware that his credit may be affected but to also be quite clear that you are not to blame in any way. You cannot protect everybody – you can only protect you and never forget that ‘you’ matter.
Does your mother accept she has a problem? If she does, then self-banning is a terrific way for her to show you (and herself), the sincerity of her desire to live gamble-free.
There is always hope but it does require your mother to accept her addiction. You cannot save her – I am not judging, it is a mistake many of us have made.
Keep posting – you are doing well
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Grandvee
The first post is our welcoming message but this is a personal one from me.
I understand why you want to break free and I hope that when you have been with us for a little while you will see your way to denying the addiction to gamble the ability to control ‘your’ life, without guilt.
In this first reply I hope to help you with your concern about approaching your mother without her going bananas – and more importantly without you climbing the walls and pulling your hair out..
Although not recognized professionally, the following is a coping method that has been used by many of us at the beginning of our recovery and I hope it helps.
Never forget it is your mother who is controlled by her addiction – you are not and you do not have to allow it control of your life.
Imagine her addiction is a slavering beast, always watching from the corner of the room. As long as don’t threaten it, it will stay quiet. Your mother’s addiction is the master of threats and manipulation but you are not and nor do you want to be. When you threaten her addiction, the beast leaps between you and controls the conversation – you find yourself in the middle of argument without knowing how you got there. Once it is active and between you, you will only hear her addiction speak – it will use lies and deceit to make you feel blame and to demoralize you. When you speak to your mother, her addiction distorts your words and she won’t comprehend your meaning because it is distorting reality to fit her personal perception.
My CG (compulsive gambler) who lives in control of his addiction has explained to me that when I was pleading with him not to lie but to live honestly, his addiction distorted my meaning. He was convinced I was lying because he truly believed that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure. He was lost and fought back with everything and anything to make me back away, because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism. Your mother’s addiction only offers her failure although she is not ready to accept that.
I believe F&F waste valuable energy ‘wanting’ to believe that this time they are hearing the truth, so I think it is good not to believe anything because in doing so you become receptive to the addiction. If you can stand back a bit and listen to what your mother is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time to recharge your batteries and look after you.
By looking after you first you will become stronger, you will be able to reclaim your own life and start to learn to cope. Ultimately this is the best thing for your mother too.
I cannot tell you what to do but giving money to a CG is the same as giving an alcoholic a drink. In my opinion clearing her gambling debts is wrong as that enables her to gamble without responsibility.
I will leave it there for a first post and wait for your reply. There is so much to say but I know it is hard to take everything in. Your mother never wanted or asked for her addiction any more than you which probably doesn’t make you feel any better although I hope it helps you realise that her behaviour towards you is not deliberate but is the behaviour of someone with an active addiction.
I would not be writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled but more importantly on this forum I know ‘you’ can come out of this and live away from the shadow of the addiction.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Granvee

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Thawley
I am concerned that I have put you off writing in the forum. It is only information that identifies your CG that it is inadvisable to put on the forum as we do offer anonymity to members in GH and on the site.
However this forum is for your support and I hope that all is well with you. Please post, as you can see you are far from alone and judgement free understanding is here for you.
Hope to hear from you and hopefully ‘meet’ you tomorrow evening in the group.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi CB
The above is our welcoming post to you but this is a personal welcome from me.
Well done starting a thread and writing your first post, I suspect it was very hard for you to write.
I admire your realisation that your mum has shouldered a lot of things on her own and could do with some support.
I think it is hard when it dawns on those who love CGs (compulsive gamblers) just how far the road stretches out in front before there can be any real hope. There is something about a CG actually seeking support that makes those who love them breathe out with relief for a short time, only to come up gasping for air as the realisation hits them that this is not an end but feels like a very scary beginning.
It is late for me CB and I was just closing my computer down when I saw your post. I wanted to let you know as soon as possible that you had been heard and that you were welcome. I am going to close this post now but I will write again tomorrow. In the meantime I hope you get rest tonight having taken a massive step towards ‘your’ recovery from the addiction to gamble. Knowledge of the addiction to gamble will give you power over it – you are among those who understand and will not judge.
Well done
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello CB

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Jansdad
It isn’t ‘only 7’ weeks – it is 7 weeks and you are right, they are precious. It’s ok and normal to feel scared at times, what you are doing is hard and takes courage but you can do it. You are doing the right thing coming here when you feel unsettled.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Martyn and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Cathy
Thank you so much for your update – it is great to hear from one of our ‘veteran’ members, who is still following the forum even if she is not posting regularly – especially when she offers support as you did with our new mum.
I am not picking at words but I do think it helps to note the difference between a ‘relapse’ which is the addiction taking control again indefinitely and a ‘slip’ which is a short loss of purpose followed by a re-focus. Slips do not have to occur but if they do, it does not have to be negative – they can help the CG be stronger in the future. As your son has picked himself up from a couple of slips, dusted himself down and stuck with his GA, it is to be hoped that he has gained that strength and I wish him well.
I love to hear that you celebrated ‘your’ year in Gamanon – well done. It sounds a good group where another member is willing and able to help you through the 12 steps. I struggled with ‘Sincerity’ as I could not see why ‘I’ had to accept defects of character but I am glad I stuck with it because in doing so I was able to get rid of much that was holding me back. Gamanon meant everything to me in those early days bur unfortunately there is no Gamanon where I live now although I am tempted to change that fact.
Getting ‘well’ takes time as you are finding but well you can and will be.
Thank you once again for popping back. It would be great to see you in the group again one day. I send my best wishes to you and your Gamanon group.
V

[velvet]

Dear Cathy
It is good to see you post again. Please update on your own situation, is he still going to GA, how are you?
V

[velvet]

Hi Thawley
Welcome from me to Gambling Therapy.
When I read that you said that you son ‘had better start walking’, I thought wow that is a strong mum who handled a situation in a way that many of us think ‘if only’ we had done the same. Then I read on and your regret jumped out at me because you think that if you had carried on in the same vein it would have been different. Well Thawley from all I understand and from the mouth of CG living, now, in control of his addiction – you never stood a chance either way, so don’t do ‘what’ ifs’ or ‘if onlys’, they don’t help and they don’t change a thing
It is so difficult to realise how impotent we are in the face of the addiction to gamble – it is foreign to us; it is something that we neither asked for nor wanted and over which we have no control or understanding – but that is also the lot of the CG, until he seeks change.
Don’t fear ‘what is coming’, rather learn and be prepared as you have not been before. Knowledge of your son’s addiction will give you control over it, he now has someone who has knowledge of what is hurting you both, rather than taking everything personally, it makes a difference. Your son will never have deliberately sought to hurt you although his actions have shown everything to the contrary.
I am not sure whether your son is in GMA yet or waiting to go in, so I cannot comment on your words ‘when he wanted to go to GMA’. Please don’t give any information that could identify him on this forum. I would love to speak to you in the F&F group, (Tuesday 20.00-21.00 hours UK time) where we can discuss freely all your worries without anything appearing on the forum. I hope it helps you to know that I had no hope, whatsoever, of any change for my CG, who did lose his home, his job, his family and who had no self-respect or self-esteem until he went through the GMA programme and now lives happily in control of his addiction.
I will leave this first post there apart from one observation. Many, many CGs steal, they do things that defy logic, reason and morality but if there was no hope of them changing – I would not be writing you now.
Well done starting your thread
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Anni
If you are still following this thread, I suggest that you join the Friends and Family forum or the Friends and Family group.
You have obviously been affected by the addiction to gamble and I recognise that you will have many questions.
I would love to ‘meet’ you in a group, or reply to you in the forum -where I promise you understanding.
Hoping you post again soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Madge
It was great to get update, so thank you.
I always understood very clearly how important your family is to you so I know how hard it must have been for you to ask your husband to leave but why you found in necessary to do so.
As we have always been open in our discussions, I am aware that you husband’s problems do not relate just to the addiction to gamble which is all I can justifiable comment on but I am delighted to read that your husband is having CBT therapy and also getting support from SA and GA. He certainly sounds as though he is trying to deal with his various difficulties. It is especially heart-warming to hear that he is finding an empathetic side to his nature which implies the CBT therapy is going well.
This forum is, of course, more about ‘you’. I sense from your post that you are a much happier person, getting help in the house, help with the children, communicating with your husband and even planning dates – what a difference from your previous posts.
I have to admit that I am concerned that you feel the need to be the detective to such a degree – it doesn’t sound healthy for you so I am glad to read you feel this is something that has a goal and an end in sight. I am amazed that he has been willing to have a GPS tracker on his phone but if this is something which you both agree is supportive to his continued well-being and yours then I can only say I hope it has the desired effect. I know you are both dealing with so much more than just the addiction to gamble so of course I cannot judge (and would not).
I don’t remember whether I knew your husband suffered from sleep apnoea but as many problems stem from sleep issues, I am glad these are being addressed. It seems to me that your husband is getting support from all directions and for both your sakes I am so pleased to hear it.
Your last paragraph is wonderfully positive – it is so easy to feel that working on someone else’s happiness is the most important thing while over-looking the thing that matters most. If you are not right then all the support in the world, that your husband is getting, will not be enough for you to have the relationship that you want.
I hope to see you posting more often; it was lovely to see you back supporting San.
It is easy to remember you and I will always be listening
V

[velvet]

Hi Madge
I hope if you are keeping a watchful eye on San’s thread you will pick this post up.
I haven’t brought your thread up because I am not sure it is what you want – it is on page 3 if you should decided to resurrect it.
It would be great to get an update. your words to San give little away about how you are.
Hoping to hear
Velvet

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