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Nice work on the self-exclusion! Definitely be careful with other sites though. I started off on poker and ended up playing casino games and even sportsbetting sites which I never even really liked/touched before. Addiction can do that to you. Make sure you’ve got a back up plan in place in case these sorts of temptations occur. That could be proactive self-exclusion as soon as you get any urges, blocking software or having someone else handle your finances/monitor them. Finally keep posting regularly here and know that you’re not alone in this battle. You can do it!
Vera is correct, we need to grieve the loss in order to accept it. Losses incurred from gambling is extra hard to get over because it makes us feel so stupid, ashamed and guilty to have lost our money like this. Society also looks down on gamblers and even relatives find it hard to fathom why an otherwise intelligent person would do such a thing.
Ray you could get over your 15k loss because you HAD TO accept it. Insurance wasn’t going to pay you and you were never gonna be able to catch the person who stole your vehicle. The difference now is you still think that gambling can get your money back. The dream will win it all back, to get our “revenge” against gambling, to strip away all of our monetary/mental worries with that one big comeback. Unfortunately this is not how real life works. Even if you do win it back you’ll just give it all back and more. The only way to win is to not play.
Hey Steven,
Stopping gambling, on face value, seems so easy. Yet we all know that it’s literally one of the hardest addictions to get over. One does not simply say “yep, I will stop forever” and just go cold turkey forever. The losses drag us back in. The damage done by gambling drag us back in. This is one of the most vicious cycles and absolutely can destroy a person psychologically. This is why you must self- exclude and install gambling blockers if you play online. You should also hand over your finances completely. Finally, dont play the victim card, when you gamble you’re basically saying you’re not ready to give up yet. You still think you can beat gambling. Man up and actually take proactive steps to stop, rather than just believing after a loss that you will stop and hoping that you will stop. You are the one in control of your own actions, and you need to truly believe that.
Ask yourself, are you really ready to stop? Or are you still not ready to give it in yet. Only you can answer that question. Someone once told me “some people want to stop gambling, but most people actually just want to stop losing.” It took a long time for me to switch from my delusion of “stop losing” to the realization that I actually want and need to stop gambling. I hope you can get there sooner rather than later. Good luck.
Hey Ray,
Great to hear that you’ve self-excluded. That’s a great first step. Now one thing to keep in mind is that online gambling has SO many different options. If you even have an inkling that you might open up another account elsewhere, I highly recommend installing Gamblock of Betfilter (for less than $100 it probably saved me many thousands during those first few months after I installed it). I also encourage you to confide to a few people because let me tell you, those closest to you already know something isn’t quite right with you or that your behaviour is odd, they may be surprised as to the nature of what you’ve been doing but they won’t be surprised that you’re currently struggling mentally.
As for the losses, I totally get it. It’s the hardest part about staying gambling free. I was actually going to touch on it in my previous post but I didn’t want to make it too long. The thought of the losses was also the main factor which caused many of my relapses. I know it sounds cliche but time will indeed help. The first few month or so is the absolute worst. You will constantly be beating yourself on it, self-hating, replaying those nightmarish nights over and over. Thinking about why I hadn’t have stopped there or why I was so stupid not to walk away when I was up at that time. It will tear you up inside. But over time, the thoughts will become less consistent. If you just think about your life and what you still have, your health, your family, your partner and your great job. It will help to ease the pain. Now even as you get better mentally, every now and that that figure of your loss will come back like a ton of bricks, you’ll sometimes wake up in the middle of night and think about it. You’ll have moments at work where you just cannot function. It’s times like these that you need to stay strong. Trust me, the longer you can withhold yourself from gambling, the more positive things you can do in your life, the easier it will get.
Try to think of the loss as a business venture that didn’t work out. Alternatively, think of it as a life lesson to NEVER EVER touch gambling again, ever in your life. For us compulsive gamblers, that demon was always inside of us and it just needed for us to get the right exposure or to be in the right circumstances for it come out and take control of us. Learning it at a young age (and if you actually learn to fight it and to control your triggers) can be a seen as a lesson learnt that will prevent you from ruining your life at a worst time – what about when you’re married and have kids of your own? What about when your 30-40 and earning big $$$? You will have A LOT more to lose then. Money comes and goes, yes 50k is a very large sum of money, but consider this – during your life time you will earn well over $1 million dollars. As a doctor if you progress well in your career you will earn well over $2 million dollars in your life time. I know it’s not easy to think long term but dwelling on losses will simply drag you back to more relapses, and take you into a darker and darker place. The light is dim now, but if you can stop now, you can turn it around. The money is gone and it’s not coming back (through gambling). The addiction is the one that’s telling you to keep trying. I know, we gamblers don’t want to give up, we want to recoup our losses now. Well the reality is that’s not going to happen. Science has found that once we ACCEPT our reality, no matter how dire, we can deal with it mentally much better. So you must accept your losses and move on. There’s no easy way around it. I wish you the best of luck.
Hey Ray sorry to hear about your relapse, but sadly to say, I am not surprised. Having gambled away so much in a short period of time and experiencing such a huge loss is immensely emotionally damaging. It essentially “rewires” your brain and you can never be the same person again after it. The good news is that you are still young (same age as me) and you have time to change for the better, to turn your life around.
The hardest part about getting over gambling is the losses you’ve incurres. It’s extremely hard to let go of. I might say that without other supports in place, it is virtually inpossible to do alone. On top of extreme willpower and a WANT to actually stop gambling, you will need two things assist you:
1) Blockers/self-exclusion: this is the most critical element – whichever online or offline casinos/bookies you use, self-exclude from all of them now. If you really want to quit you will do it. It you don’t, it means you’re not really ready to give it up and I can guarantee that you return to it (with whatever reason your addiction tricks you with) and your rock bottom will only become deeper. After countless relapses, full self-exclusion plus computer gambling blocking software got me clean for 6 months+.
2) Now this one is optional but highly recommended. That is emotional support and honesty. Gambling thrives in the dark and keeping your secrets from your partner + family will only make you feel more alone, ashamed and guilty. These thoughts alone can sometimes drive you back to relapses. Disclosure not only ensures emotional support, but also gives you the opportunity to hand over your finances to someone you trust as a further preventative measure. If you really cannot bring yourself to do it, go to GA. Stay active on these forums and post often. Read other people’s diaries and tips. Know that you are not alone in your struggles. But let me tell you, given the extent of your gambling, full disclosure is HIGHLY recommended as it will inevitably come out in the fall out.
Please be proactive about step 1 and seriously consider step 2. Not to sound harsh but if you do nothing except tell yourself you’ll stop, you will repeat the above cycle multiple times until breaking point, and everything in your life will crumble. Do not let this happen as you have many years ahead and a great career which will earn you way more than what you’ve lost recently in the long run.
Hey glad to hear you’re feeling upbeat. It’s very simple and shouldn’t take you too long! Any online casinos/sports betting sites you have an account with, just simply google the website name and “self-exclusion” – it should take you to their responsible gambling page which instructs you on how you can request to self-exclude yourself.
For most sites a simply email to their support team with your account details and stating you wish you self-exclude yourself due to a gambling problem is enough. Some of the sites will have a specific area on their site/program where you can self-exclude yourself. Some of the more stricter websites require you to then sign a self-exclusion letter (very easy, they send you the template, you just print, sign and scan it back them and tick the time frame – eg. 1, 2, 5 years).
I literally made a template message the other night. Followed the above procedure and self-excluded myself from 15-20 online casino/poker/sports betting sites in just one night. Took about an hour to get it all done! Really the feeling of security and that you’re actively doing something to stop gambling will help you a lot in your recovery. Trust me it’s not weird at all, all gambling websites have a dedicated policy and approach towards self-exclusion and they are generally very accepting of your requirements (they probably get 10s if not 100s of requests to close/self-exclude accounts daily) – it’s totally confidential and they all dealt with it very professionally. This includes land based casinos/bookies – they also handle self-exclusion very professionally and anonymously. Don’t be shy!
As for gambling blockers, the best ones are gamblock or betfilter (I personally used this one). You are correct it wouldn’t be appropriate to install on your work computer (hey, don’t gamble at work :P) but it’s great on any personal PCs or mobile devices you gamble from. Completely blocks all gambling websites where you actually can gamble, but leaves open recovery or support websites such as this one so you can still engage in the forums. Also blocks gambling related ads that pop up. It’s very non-intrusive and is quite “incognito” in that it doesn’t show itself so even if someone else used your device, you don’t have to worry about them finding out about it. It’s also almost impossible to uninstall without screwing up your computer registry (a great deterrent from trying to uninstall it).
Hey Mav,
Been reading your diary recently. Just wanted to say stay strong and you’ll get through this. I’m digging your motto of “just for today I will not gamble” – us gamblers always want instantaneous gratification and we are impatient to look at the long-term future. We want to be free from our addictions immediately. We want our financial worries to be fixed immediately. That’s what got us here in the first place. Sometimes we just need a bit of perspective, take it one day at a time, and actually think about the good things we have in life and how we can keep them that way by just not gambling for that day. Keep up the good work and stay strong! I’m sure your life is improving already.
Hey mate, have you considered self-excluding from the bookies you use? It’ll help a lot especially when your temptations are high (particularly after payday). Unless you can get someone else to handle your finances I highly recommend you bite the bullet and self-exclude. Most places are extremely professional and confidential when it comes to these things so don’t feel like you’re being judged if you do it.
Hey mate, you mention how you can get over the memories of previous big wins. You’re totally right, we all get them. As gamblers, we’ve all had those dream big wins. But where do we all end up? At rock bottom, most of the time.
You mentioned you turned 5k into 100k – yes that’s quite amazing. I’ve also turned 3k into 35k and 10k into 45k a few times on casino and online blackjack.
I’ve also lost it all. You ended up losing that 100k in a few hours. So my answer is EVEN if you do win, you’ll hand it all back in a matter of days, if not hours. That’s the catch. Yes we can all get lucky and win. But the problem is not that we can’t win, the problem is that we CAN’T STOP even after winning. We get greedy. We want more. 5k wasn’t enough for you and 100k wasn’t enough for you either. 500k would not be enough for you. Basically the addiction is not to win, but to keep playing. Gambling makes us irrational man, when you were up 100k, I bet you thought you could turn it into a higher amount (feelings of invincibility). When you lost down to 95k, to 90k, to 80k or 50k did you think to stop? Rationally you would, but in our mindless rage we don’t care. We just think about our highest point and want to get back there. We get greedy as hell. We are NOT in control of our decisions.
That’s what happens. If you keep playing, most likely you’ll just keep losing more. Even if you win, you’ll give it back. You CANNOT defeat this. No amount of luck (bar winning the lottery) will save you. I know it’s hard to give up but you must surrender – accept that you have a disease that cannot be controlled, that cannot be cured. It can only be tamed and held in check. The longer you keep it in check, the less effect it will have on your life. It’ll take time, it’ll be the hardest battle of your life. The first step is to let get of those losses. Good luck.
Hey Alan,
When your in the midst of addiction, the temptation to go play “just a bit” it sometimes undeniable. You’ll need some help and I highly recommend for you to self-exclude yourself from all venues where you normally gamble. If you do any online gambling you can install a betting blocker such as betfilter or gamblocker (both are great, and don’t mess with your computer or deny you access to anything else other than sports betting/casinos/poker/pokies sites – you can still visit gambling recovery forums don’t worry).
It’ll help you get through that initial period and after the weeks and months go by, things will get a lot easier. Without a doubt you’ll continue getting urges every now and then but you’ll learn more about yourself and your triggers and how to deal with them better over time, until YOU are the one in control and not the addiction.
Just remember that it’s a lifelong journey and the battle is never over, you might continuously actively fight the addiction until you can control it. You can overcome it but never get complacent because inside all of us is a compulsive gambler just waiting to burst out. Never give it a chance to come back.
Hey mate, well done on 4 weeks clean. The first few weeks are always the hardest and the urges and temptations will get milder as you coast along. Just remember not to ever get complacent and keep all your blockers away. Don’t get deterred if you ever have very strong urges momentarily or (and I hope you never will) relapse – these are very normal. As long as you overcome then and learn from each one (learn about your triggers – most of them are related to stress, pressure, boredom, greed or a false sense of security – and mostly importantly, how to control or deny them).
One step at a time. Keep your blockers up and mind vigilant. You’ll get through this. I’m 27 without a family and it’s hard enough. Although of course I also consider how my parents have helped me all my life and I don’t want to let them down. You’ve got not only yourself but your partner and kids to look out for. Don’t let them down and be the man they can look up to.
Hey Adam, just dropping by to let you know that your recovery story is quite incredible and you should be proud of your progress so far. I also started having my major gambling issues around the same time you posted this thread, and I’ve been following your diary for a while now (just lurking).
I’m similar age to you and also lost a similar amount in savings in the past. I’m very impressed at how you’ve managed to stay clean for so long immediately after a big loss. It has taken me multiple relapses (4-5, although the most recent ones have been more minor thankfully) to finally get to where I am today where I feel moderately confident in my ability to stay clean.
Keep up the gambling free days and I’m hoping you’ll soon have enough savings to get that down payment for the house. You’ve earned it.