[Rainman444]

Thank you everyone for the responses. I have read them all an i truly appreciate it.

finding_laura. You were right about cutting xanax off cold turkey being a bad idea. The withdrawals and the symptoms that came with it exacerbated EVERYTHING. I am currently weaning off 🙂

charles. I will take your advise and continue to update this post only instead of creating a new one to sear these memories into my brain.

Jacquespaul, yes i have suffered from depression for most of my life and i believe bc i never really got treatment for it, it may have caused me to have these destructive cycles. Its unreal how much i can relate to how you felt when you say you had no debt but could see the fall coming. I was very comfortable financially yet i KNEW i was going to blow it all. Its like i was writing my own book and was helpless in changing the narrative.

Monkey15, i can so relate when you say you have been replaced by someone else. I could hardly recognize myself anymore. I couldnt even look in the mirror. When i lost the absurd amount of 200k in ONE NIGHT, i felt like i was possessed. What sane person does that? Believe me when i say its not as easy as it sounds to lose that sort of money in 24 hours. You have to move money around, click alot of buttons, sign alot of forms etc…it was almost an out of body experience, like it wasnt me and i was just watching myself do it.

Turns out my original post was NOT rock bottom…turns out one can drop further. My best friend loaned me some money to get back on my feet and i was able to clear all my debts and pay rent, get back on my feet etc within 2 weeks (more details on this later). But of course i didnt. Of course i took that money and blew it ALL…atleast i payed my friend back first. Mentally i was just in a really bad place for a while, a place i wouldnt wish upon my worst enemy. I was despondent and was ignoring everyone around me. I am not a religious person but without going into too much detail some sort of divine intervention saved me from making the biggest mistake of my life, a finalizing one. Without the support of friends and family i dont know if i would even be here today writing this post.

I have come to the realization that even though i have lost a fortune, broke and in debt, i am rich in other areas of my life. I may not care about myself but others do and i owe it to them to fight on.

The immediate future is currently looking bleak. I am unable to pay my credit card bills (my near perfect score is going to go to shit) and am scrounging to pay for food and rent. I had alot of expensive material possessions i sold off and that was a pretty sobering experience. I was fixated on the fact that i was SO fortunate to be in a position i was in not too long ago but with my destructive habits…it was going to come crashing down sooner or later.

Being able to not worry about how much this or that cost, not caring about the price of a bottle of wine at a resturaunt, not worried about expenses etc…to having to sell things and ***** every dollar hurt my ego. I always was the one to help my family and friends whenever they needed anything…having them help me now gives me mixed emotions. For christmas my sister is flying me back to my parents so we can all spend it together…my sister is academia so it doesnt pay well and i know the money is alot for her to fly me out across the *****ry. She has been incredible nonetheless.

I believe i was a judgmental guy before because i would look down on a man who would burden their loved ones like this, degenerates and liars…I have become that man.

Currently I am torn. My best friend is again more than willing to help me get back on my feet. We came up together jumping from grind to grind, went from being broke to making something of ourselves. I have known him most my life, hes a special individual and probably has near genius level IQ. The thing is, is that the way for me to get back on my feet… many here or anywhere matter of fact would consider it as gambling. I was (am?) a professional poker player and a very successful one at that. But my kryptonite is the pit, games where the house always has the advantage. I also invested and traded in crypto currencies with good timing and made a small fortune there as well and some here may consider that gambling as well. I am a highschool dropout and have no other real world skills to make a living. So yeah, its a little bit complicated, and i am sure many here would advise me not to go back into poker/trading. To me…this is a life-line…to others it may look like a lynch. I am trying to be as objective/rational/logical as possible. I just dont want to be stuck living a life forever in debt making minimum wage, I also dont want to venture deeper into the depths of self destruction.

Regardless of any move i make i 100% realize i need some sort of help. Posting here and maybe even getting a therapist. Getting to the root of my destructive ways.

Thank you all for your supportive words.

[Rainman444]

thank you all for your responses.

Jonny, one of my top priorities in life has always been to make lots of money. I did not grow up rich, dont have a degree, always chased the quick buck. I was lucky in some areas in my life where i was able to make good money (hence me being able to lose 100’s of thousands of dollars). Also, i want to find PURPOSE. What i do for a living gives me NO satisfaction, infact it makes me feel so detached from society. I feel lonely and depressed 80% of the time and to fill that void inside, i turn to vices. Drinking, partying, chasing women, gambling.

I keep coming back to this same bad feeling. I was able to bounce back everytime and i would always tell myself “i never want to feel like that again”. Yet, here i am. I think deep down inside i knew i would be here again. How could i not be? How does one just STOP without losing every penny or doing some serious work to change ones mindset.

This really sucks. I am trying to keep a positive attitude but its so hard. Since my meltdown i have done nothing but lay around and watch TV feeling bad for myself. Most importantly i am so worried about my future. I feel as if i am destined to live a crap life all alone. I have some SERIOUS issues. I mean, who blows money like this MULTIPLE times?! I am getting sick to my stomach just writing about it again.

It all feels hopeless right now…but im trying to stay strong.

[Rainman444]

Hey thanks for your response. What do you mean by groups on here tomorrow night? Like a chat room? Please share details if so if you don’t mind.

[Rainman444]

Thank you for the reply Laura

Truth is no, I did not feel like anyone while making obscene sized bets. In fact if I could have had it happen in a dark room with just me and the dealer, I would have preferred that. Is that strange?
It’s been days now and I still don’t know what the heck to feel. The amount i lost haunts me every chance it gets and it’s killing me inside. This is the SECOND time I have lost 6 figures in ONE NIGHT within a YEAR. I mean what is wrong with me!?!? I’m so lost. I fantasize about having a time machine and going back and changing what I’ve done. But maybe even if I did do that…I would end up in a similar situation anyways bc I have this crazy compulsion. I’m so ashamed…so regretful…

Went out to see friends but I just feel like a zombie. I wanted to drown myself and my friends in a pity party but tbh they probably wouldn’t even understand my craziness. Can’t relate…

I used to go to NA meetings religiously and they really helped me get clean from drugs. GA meetings might be a good idea.

[Author]

Posts