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Right around this time last year I lost about 100k playing online black jack and posted it on here (or another forum) under a different name. This time…I lost 150k in 1 night in Las Vegas.
I’m a thirty one yo self employed male. I also used to have a crippling opiate addiction for most of my 20’s but have been able to quit cold turkey for maybe 2-3 years now. I have since starting drinking here and there but starting going really hard over a year ago. So yeah, I have some underlying issues there I haven’t fully come to grip with. Both times I lost over six figures I was completely wasted…both times were in one night.
This last time I lost I went back to my hotel room and felt an emptiness I have never felt before. I have never been suicidal before but that night, I actually googled painless ways to kill oneself. I was still drunk and I truly wanted to die. I wanted to cry so badly but tears wouldn’t roll out. I called my sister bc depression runs in my family and just hearing a loved ones voice I was able to fall asleep before doing anything rash. When I woke up I wasn’t ready to die but there was this overwhelming feeling of guilt and shame, it’s fair to say I felt like the worlds biggest sucker. I still had money in my safe but I was just numb…a small part of me wanted to go back to the pit and win it all back but I just stayed in bed for two days. I am now back home and I feel a bit better…but this feeling of being a failure lingers heavily. I am not a millionaire by any means and I also don’t come from money….this money was everything i worked and saved for and it’s all gone in one night. I don’t know what to do right now. I have these intense moments of pure sadness that only addicts and degenerates I think can relate to. I am really scared about my future. Most of my funds are tied up in somewhat risky long term investments and I still have a few bucks to survive off of but coming where I come from and being who I am…my self worth is tied to my net worth…and my net worth just crashed.
I can’t shake off feeling like a complete loser. I moved to a new city a year ago and I feel so alone. I am ashamed to tell anyone about what happened and it’s killing me inside. I feel so flawed. I was able to bounce back last time but this time feels different. I am a year older now but feel much much older. I have friends around me succeeding and even though I am happy for them…I feel this bitterness. It’s almost like I feel as if I don’t deserve to be happy…like I deserve all this pain.
Sorry for the ramble…had to get this off my chest.
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becoming a compulsive gambler is a good way to ensure that you feel pain. And that you can make sure you won’t find happiness. It’s a punishment. Did you feel like someone when you were making the big bets? before the desperation at losing set in? Gambling addiction can be as complex as any other addiction or mental health disorder or illness. And it sounds as if you know this. Like you are reaching a new bottom and want to turn this around. Chasing losses is a reason most go right back to gambling. And losing! Losing more. It sounds like some counseling might help? What about a GA meeting? Surrounding yourself with people who know what it feels like to be a gambling addict. And many who have turned their life around, to offer suggestions and hope. You are not a terrible person. You are a person with a terrible addiction/compulsion. It changes us, makes us different. Doing things we never thought of before in our wildest dreams. I hope you find the strength to keep looking for help. Post here, find other supports depending where you are. As a compulsive gambler there is only one way we can win. And that is to stop gambling. Take care and keep rambling! I think I just did a bit myself.
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Hello Rainman and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
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Hi Rainman,
Well done on looking for help. The money is gone, no getting it back unfortunately. Though if we could get it back as easily as that it would likely just lead to repeating the pain.
No time machine to take you a year back but you will get to a year in the future, one day at a time.
What things are like then will depend on what you do now. If NA helped you then it is likely that GA will as well. Be warned though – you have switched from drugs to drink/alcohol very easily. Be careful you don’t switch to another unhealthy option or return to the drugs. Maybe a mix of GA and NA meetings is called for.
Read the other stories here, you will see a lot that you will relate to. You will also see the success stories – what are they doing that you can apply to your own situation?
I would say you need to do something to reduce your access to those sums of money, both generally but especially when you are planning on having a drink. Though of course with your addiction hopping maybe avoiding drink would also be a good idea.
Keep posting, get to GA. This time don’t “just” stop gambling in the way you “just” stopped taking drugs. Work recovery, fill your time with other things and address any underlying issues, character traits that need addressing etc.
Keep posting and let us know the positive steps that you are taking.
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How are you doing Rainman?
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