[kathryn]

Hiya Dunc and thanks for bringing me back to the top!
Well its been a while, life has just been going along. I cant say that covid has hit too hard in our house, we have been very, very fortunate. My boss did have a brain tumor a couple of weeks before Christmas (it was benign thank goodness) but it meant he needed 6 weeks off and work was super scarce for me. Dames on the other hand has been really busy which has ensured our bills are paid and food is on the table. No gambling thoughts thankfully. I did hear that the venues had opened up again, and while i am not currently excluded i will get that little job done. No point poking the bear!
I am very pleased to announce that i will be a grandmother again come June. Brea is expecting, she will have 3 under 4 which makes my hair turn grey just thinking about it. In saying that, a little bub will be a wonderful distraction! She is really well and we know its a boy and i cant wait to meet him.
I am heading away tomorrow for a little break. It is Australia day on Tuesday (public holiday) and i managed to wrangle tomorrow off too. Monday is my normal day off so long weekend it is!
We are going to a new spot on the Murray River, my favourite river of all, and it is going to be hot…..45c on Monday! I will be a wrinkled prune from sitting in the river for 5 days! I cant wait, we are going with family so it will be lovely. We havent had much of a summer, in fact everyone has been complaining so summer decided to finally arrive!
I have started gardening, i am a terrible gardener but im growing tomatoes, sweet peas and beans, fennel and spring onions! The most surprising thing is that they are actually growing! A miracle for sure!
I have put a couple of bird houses on my back fence as well and am starting to get beautiful parrots and cockatoos! Ive become the old gardening bird lady! I never thought id enjoy either but there i am in the mornings with my coffee, hose and seed and bread for the birds!
My boys are great, Bailey is starting a course in Animal studies next week, and while Harry isnt going back to school this year he is keen to work so we just need to find him that job!
Dames is good although he has a melanoma on his cheek which my boss is removing next week. I had been looking at that spot for a while and made him come in to work (thankfully).
Life at home is getting much better. Communication is open, and makes a huge difference (who knew?)
Well i need to get up in about 5 hours to head away, we are getting there early to set up before the heat hits.
I hope you are all well, and covid isnt giving you too much grief, Australia hasnt been hit as hard as some other countries, i have to say i never thought i would see a pandemic in my lifetime but here we are!
Stay safe and stay strong.
Love K xxx

[kathryn]

I have to say I love a list, makes things more real, keeps us focused, something to look at when feeling a little testy, I love crossing things off lists too, gives me a sense of satisfaction.
nIn terms of money management I’m impressed you have done this, it’s a hard thing to do, can I ask if it’s a family member or friend? I’m assuming (I’m a huge assumer) that they know of your situation? If so, that’s great!
nI think you’re right though, everyone is different, I stayed accountable for around a year I think, in saying that I’ve also stayed excluded all this time ( it has lapsed during COVID) but venues are closed and I’m not interested in online gambling.
nI think you will know when the time is right, for now, you’re doing well, you’ve done this before so it’s not new to you. None of us are perfect, stay true to yourself and your recovery. Look forward to reading more from you!
nLove K xxx

[kathryn]

I just wanted to congratulate you on your gamble free time!
nI had the same thing with my husband, the little remarks now and then. I let it go for 2 years (probably too long but I felt I deserved it) After that, I said no more! I wouldn’t let this be thrown in my face anymore. Yep I made some terrible mistakes while in the grips, but I felt he had punished me enough and I said one more word and I’m done. The only time we have spoken of it since was when I bought it up. We punish ourselves enough and while I 100% get the anger, breach of trust, sadness etc, we can’t help them move through that, all we can do is keep working on ourselves and hope the changes in us are proof enough. Just keep going, you’re doing great!
nLove K xx

[kathryn]

Well, 8 days after my last post I left my husband. The fit of rage, sadness, dissatisfaction, loneliness and total lack of joy in my life proved too much. I went berserk and the next day I moved my stuff to Jodies. It was traumatic but Jode was my rock, giving me a warm bed ( in a little bungalow out the back) fed me when I could eat, let me sob for hours on end and gave me space.
nDames was devastated, to my absolute surprise. How could he not be as unhappy as I was? HOW?
nSo we decided to give it another try. I spent the last 3 months at Jode’s while we did counseling, doctors appointments, went on dates and omg…..there he was! There was that husband I always wanted. He was in there all along!
nOf course it wasn’t easy, we had to learn to be a couple again, counseling is continuing to cement things for us and after a lot of hard work from both of us, I moved back home.
nI have named it my ISO timeout.
nNot once did he say no, to anything I suggested that may have helped. He did the complete opposite of everything i thought he would do. He actually blew my mind. My timeout proved to be the thing that bought us closer together….believe me, when I walked out I was DONE! I’m still scratching my head as to what happened. I did not gamble during this time, I didn’t even think of it. What i did do was a lot of self help podcasts, a lot of soul searching, working out what I wanted, and lots of sleep.
nI’m happy, we are happy together, communication is brilliant, we love each other and we are going in the same direction and want the same things.
nSo there’s my update. It’s been a crazy 3.5 months, I feel more in touch with myself than I ever did, and closer to dames than I have for over 5 years.
nIt’s been 11 years since my last bet ( minus a couple of slips).
nI’m ready for the rest of my life!
nLove K xxxxx

[kathryn]

I’m so sorry you have found yourself in this situation.
nI read your last few posts earlier and wasn’t quite sure what to say. Firstly there’s no excuse for abuse, pure and simple.
nPeople without the compulsion to gamble find it so difficult to understand how our mind works, it’s like men ( not really understanding how it feels to give birth) if we could just stop at the drop of a hat there would be no need for this site. It’s an addiction, the same as drugs or alcohol.
nI totally understand your partners frustration, its a breech of trust. I don’t, however condone aggression. I dare say he’s feeling hurt, angry and betrayed, and I get that, I put my husband through the absolute wringer. Over and over.
nIzzi, you need to put up every single barrier you can, all at once. What you have done previously is not working. This addiction is waiting to pounce at any vulnerable moment.
nSometimes the why doesn’t matter, I still don’t know why I did it, and I’ve long given up hope of finding out. I looked for any and every reason to gamble, it didn’t matter as long as I was sitting in front of that screen.
nWhat you can do today however, is do all you can to make yourself safe. You actually need to put yourself first here, and do whatever you need to. We can only control ourselves, what others think, feel and say is out of our hands.
nI hope you get some clarity in the next few days and make choices that work for YOU! You deserve a happy life, this addiction is doing it’s best to stop that happening. None of us asked for it, I would never have made that first bet if I had known.
nTake care of yourself,
nLove K xxxx

[kathryn]

I had forgotten about the word play, I used it every single time! I never went for a bet……never!
nAlways a play and usually a ‘little’ play, that was, at the end, never ever little!
nI think calling it anything else was admitting my addiction, even though I knew I was a CG years before I did anything about it.
nGreat discussion point! Another memory to keep me grounded!
nTake care, K xxxx
n
n

[kathryn]

Sending you a big fat hug from Oz!
nRG is right, moving forward really is the ONLY option.
nI don’t know how it happens, how the tiny urge turns to a big regret. Put your barriers up. Means and opportunity play a massive part.
nHALT…….
nHungry
nAngry
nLonely
nTired
nAll triggers!
nLike Dory says, just keep swimming.
nIt’s all we can do. You deserve better, you are a wonderful, kind caring woman. Don’t let this revolting addiction have a say in your life anymore!
nTake care lovely friend,
nK xxxxx

[kathryn]

Sending you a big fat hug from Oz!
nRG is right, moving forward really is the ONLY option.
nI don’t know how it happens, how the tiny urge turns to a big regret. Put your barriers up. Means and opportunity play a massive part.
nHALT…….
nHungry
nAngry
nLonely
nTired
nAll triggers!
nLike Dory says, just keep swimming.
nIt’s all we can do. You deserve better, you are a wonderful, kind caring woman. Don’t let this revolting addiction have a say in your life anymore!
nTake care lovely friend,
nK xxxxx

[kathryn]

I have reported the last post on your thread to admin as I feel it is Detrimental to recovery. Even those games (your money or not) keeps this addiction alive and that is not one bit helpful in my book. Anyway, I’m Kathryn and I’ve been hanging around this site for almost 11 years. Apart from a few slips I have managed to stay gamble free since joining GT. I am a self excluder, best thing I have ever done, between that and this site my life was saved. I was dying a very slow death. I lost my house many years ago due to my addiction. I know regret is not healthy but that is my biggest in my life so far (hopefully there won’t be any more!) there’s no chance of another. I’ve accepted that, but I don’t like it very much! Sounds like your 6 month day was a beautiful one, I’m in Australia and winter has hit us hard! Well done on your gamble free time, that is a great effort. It’s not easy that’s for sure. ODAAT is a great philosophy, I remember when I first stopped I was doing 30 minutes at a time at one stage, it was all I could cope with . My exclusion however has been my greatest barrier, the thought of being thrown out of a venue or tapped on the shoulder by management was more than enough for me! All of my slips have been because I didn’t exclude soon enough and it lapsed. So of course I’d just test myself out a little bit. Money wise it wasn’t a lot but the way I felt about myself, the shame and self loathing was terrible, and I’d exclude ASAP. Not sure when the last slip was to be honest, quite a few years ago now, but my exclusion has run out again and with covid the venue where they do it isn’t open as yet. So that’s my first job post covid. Anyway, I just wanted to say hi, let you know you’re doing great, and I hope you have a wonderful weekend!
nLove K xx

[kathryn]

Good job with the exclusions and debt arrangements! It’s not easy, that’s for sure so you’ve taken a really good step!
nThe sadness you feel, I get that. When I first stopped I got soooo mad! I was furious. I didn’t want to gamble and couldn’t understand why I felt that way until someone pointed out that I was in withdrawals! Yep! That was exactly it. Your sadness could be a lot of things…grief…it’s a loss, pure and simple. Regret….something that does us no favours, dwelling on what we have lost isn’t healthy, and it’s hard not to do it. But that money is never coming back and you need to accept it. The win will never be big enough…ever. We are addicted and the money is the means. Let it go and start over. I’m not sure how old you are but you come across as fairly young with your whole life in front of you. Grab it with both hands. The longer you don’t gamble the less you will think about it and your life will fill with other things, normal things.
nYou can have a happy life, you really can. It takes work, and life is not going to be all sunny post gambling, life is just that, life, and stuff happens to everyone. But gambling will not be fogging your mind, you will be able to think, this addiction consumes our every waking moment (and yep even In Our dreams sometimes) But you can manage this addiction. Do the work and you will be amazed. Take care, Kathryn x

[kathryn]

I hope today finds you well.
nI’ve read your posts and you said something interesting that pricked my ears up. Addiction can be overcome by making the right choices. And yep that’s true. I , however am a HUGE believer In physical barriers, exclusion , gambling blockers for computers etc, being accountable to someone else so giving your debit cards to someone to hold and maybe take a small allowance.
nNo money= no gambling. If the means and opportunity are gone it forces your hand. You simply CANT gamble. And the more barriers the better. Get them all up! Yep it’s scary, and it’s massive. But it worked for me. I did the lot, including reading and posting here every day, checking in to the helpline, the longer you don’t gamble the less gambling thoughts consume you and more normal thoughts remain. It’s not a quick fix, I worked hard every day, I wrote every thought in my head down on my thread, I spewed to the helpline daily (poor things lol) but….it works. I’m not perfect, I’ve slipped, but I could have never imagined back then that I could stop, it was impossible. Until it wasn’t! Use the support here, it’s a wonderful community, you can do it , I’m the living proof. I’ll always be a compulsive gambler, and that’s ok, I’m no longer drowning in gambling thoughts, lying to cover my tracks, wanting to die. I’m living, not perfect, far from it, but whose life is? I am in control of my life now. I wish you all the best, and look forward to reading more from you, Love K xx

[kathryn]

Thanks so much for your reply. I absolutely 100% need to see someone, I know this, I waa just  feeling sad tonight and needed a small (or not so small) Vent.  
Glad you are here, i feel out of touch sometimes, I’m sure the urges are the same, I just haven’t had one for a while, I’m just too busy lol. Between work and home and grandkids my life is full on now. I did have around 6 weeks off with the covid dramas (I’m in Australia)  and found that I spent a lot of that time on the couch with no motivation ! I did roll my ankle quite severely at the start of it so I literally couldn’t walk , but now things are picking up, work is extending, I can finally see the grandies, I can go for a walk! 

I do think it’s important Steev for those starting this road to know that it can be done, that this addiction can be managed, I remember a lady here when I first found this site, I was in awe of her, she had something like 4 years under her belt and I just couldn’t imagine that at the time.  One day she disappeared, never to be heard of again.  I still think of her to this day, she was my proof of success, I could do it, because it had been done. I think we all have a role to play here, it’s just finding it, and being comfortable with it.  I haven’t been here for a long time either, and have enjoyed posting tonight, so maybe us ‘oldies’ arent obsolete…we have been there, and survived.  I consider myself one of the very fortunates, it could have turned out so differently, but was ready and was prepared to do anything and everythin, and I pretty much did.  ill always be a compulsive gambler, I’m totally comfortable with it, it helped mould me into who I am,’and while life is still hard, my god it’s good to be alive and living! 
Take care! Love K xxx

[kathryn]

Well done on your gamble free time!
nYou know what to do and it seems you are doing it, and well!
nI don’t have a lot to add, but my lovely friend Laura once gave me a Tip in terms of urges and recognising what is causing them and I thought you might like to hear it…
n
nHALT
nHungry
nAngry
nLonely
nTired
n
nUsually an urge is caused by one of these things, not always , but it’s good to be aware! Every little bit helps!
nWishing you well on your recovery journey,
nKathryn x
n

[kathryn]

While I’m glad your feeling better….that toe!! Ouch! I’ve done it myself!!!
nThe pokie venues are still closed here, they are talking about Opening July. The government make so so much money from the revenue of these gambling establishments….disgusting really! We had a scheme here where people could access $10000 of their superannuation….now the govt is worried people are going to blow it all at the pokies when they re open….sheesh! All I can worry about is me and I’m not giving them a red cent! In fact, I’ll be excluding. It’s always been my best barrier and I can’t let it slide even after 10+ years. If I went back it would be like I never left so no thank you! I’ve spent way too long in hell, I’m not going back
nHave a great weekend and take care, a trip with your sister sounds perfect! I believe we all need something to look forward to
nLove K xxxx

[kathryn]

I just read your thread….well done on your gamble feee time.
nThe beauty of working recovery is that while your not gambling your mind can start thinking about other things. Eventually the gambling thoughts become less and less and ‘normal’ thoughts take over. Keep working hard, I know it’s not easy but it is so worth it. Forget about the past you have a whole life in front of you, don’t let this addiction take it from you. You deserve every happiness and a gamble free life!
nTake care, love K x

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