[JohnNobody]

Hello I used to post here a few years or so ago. I still get the odd email alert for a few threads I subscribed to back then. They were very very dark days, the support and help I got here probably saved my life! 2014 through to 2015 was truly the pits. And when my gambling was at epidemic proportions.

Well I want to say that there is HOPE! You can over come this dreadful addiction. I came through a very very dark tunnel one at times I really felt would claim my life and yet I am here.

I am blocked at every casino in the UK now, have not gambled in god knows how long. And while I will always be an addict, the thought of making a deposit feels alien to me.

It took me years to crush this, years to get my life back in order, and yet managed it somehow. I do not say this to gloat, or big myself up, I was truly a wretch of man! But I say it to give hope to those who are feeling despair that there is no way through. Honestly If I can do this, you can also!

I remember names here who pulled me back from the brink, they gave much I gave little. But I wont forget ever. I sometimes lurk here, reading the odd post and see the destruction gambling can do. But you do not and should not give up home.

I have 1000 and 1 “first day of no gambling” finally something clicked and I stopped and never went back. I have managed to clear most of my debt, have lived a frugal life to do this. Nothing saved for the future but I sleep at night these days.

I really wish each and everyone of you the best things in moving forwards with your lives. Dont give up giving up!

So take it from me one sorry looser …. there is hope out there … and a way through to a new life!

John aka Dino

[JohnNobody]

Hello all. Sorry for my totally disrespectful silence when people took the time to ask after me. Been in a dark place most but not all gambling addiction related. I am so tired of this … gamble – stop – block – gamble – stop – block – rinse and repeat. In the middle of this I decide to start a new business … just to complicate my life further! Im 50 and in reality have nothing and no achievements of my own other than one failure after the next. The Icing on this filthy cake ? HMRC are now forcing bankruptcy on me.

 

Its getting very ugly out there. And when it finally happens and RO goes through my financials – the gambling part will stand out in all its wretched glory! I tried to put a deal with HMRC – was like speaking to the brick wall. But with debts to them in excess of £45k no wonder they wont give an inch.

 

I suppose I can still operate as a sole trader, but I will loose my bank account / more self esteem destroyed (not much of that left) they cant take my house as that was repossessed back in 2012 and I have nothing literally nothing. But still it is effecting me on a deep level. Back on medication for anxiety and meds to help with sleep. Yet I make the choice to gamble. Usual suspects – I let myself down and let down the only other person in my life – my son. I have no friends left – they disapeared when the good times ended. No partner – no one to “watch my back” … its a solitary life. I have a business which kind of works in this wreackage and allows me to eat and pay my rent . But it feels like a soulless life … and this year I know is going to get a whole lot harder.

 

I have very dark thoughts again sitting on my shoulder and not quite sure what my next move is. I always used to have a back up plan … a way through the mess. But im really short stacked now … and there is a sense of something really bad happening. On that happy note … hope everyone else does there best to live there life and beat this….. D.

[JohnNobody]

If this forum had a “Like or thumbs up” button you have it! Love what you shared …

“The one you feed …..” < makes perfect sense with a totally illogical addiction! ty D.

[JohnNobody]

Hi – I did manage to get him some money. So at least they will have food for the weekend. Him and his mother going shopping. He is a capable young man. Studying hard to get into UNI – My deal with him was I support him through his studys.

It took the last of my money. Im down to zero but have the weekend to battle through it.

I hear you on blockers … and I cant go into much detail – but they dont work for me. Have tried them all and can disable them within minutes. So i have to do this by quitting myself.

Im looking forward to the National Self exclusion program for online casinos which is supposed to go live in the Spring of 2018. I have put my name forward to help with trials but yet to hear anything.

The monkey is on our backs (or on mine) because of choices I made. Its so pointless and such a waste. And not only the money. Thats just part of the loss.

So I will lock myself down for the weekend. Hopefully make “some” money – am going through the casinos doing SE during the day. About half the way through.

This might sound insane but if i had not lost in the way I had I might not be here. I would just have delayed *yet again the inevitable – that in the end I loose EVERYTHING.

So silver linings in a filthy pit and all that.

Hope your well “I-did-it”

thanks for the reply.

D.

p.s I dont think i can stand to read my old posts yet … not ready for that. Still to raw ….. I forgot what a true gambling hangover feels like! Well I know It again but not ready to face the past yet 🙁

[JohnNobody]

Not even out of the last hole yet 😉 so cant see what is next !! ??? ty

[JohnNobody]

I get what your saying Kin especially on the holes in the road …. I cant answer where I am at right now – I just know that where I am at I do not want to be. Do not feel good. But also dont want to remain the way I am.

thank you for sharing your words!

[JohnNobody]

Hi just read your very post …

“Every disastrous ending starts with:

the harmless and deceptive first bet.”

says it all! The heart of the matter – thanks for sharing

[JohnNobody]

Firstly thank you for the reply’s – believe me or not it means much.!!!

I dont know where to start , but I will try, no need to read this as it could be long. But I suppose or am hoping it helps me somewhat. I do not know ?

My gambling has reached pandemic proportions again. I got through the week, paid the rent, paid one or 2 bills. Was finally get ahead (for the 1005th time )

BOOM – Email lands in my inbox – “your account is re-open” …. here is a bonus of xxx

Because im weak – because im arrogant and think I can beat it I decide on “just one bet” its okay its only £50 its been a good day working. I can earn fast – and sometimes I can earn pretty well …. but easy in …. very easy out …

Deposit – play – loose
rinse and repeat –

do it again , hands sweating , heart beat increasing, frustration. It was enjoyable for the first 20 mins, its turning dark now in my mind. I need to pee but dont want to leave my computer screen, something might hit and I might miss it.

Gamble more. Damn so many near misses. Deposit again, check bank account, its okay if i win xxx im ahead or at least even.

Rinse and repeat. Nothing lands. Its getting dark outside, 5 hours have gone or is it 6 ? i have no idea it does not matter …by its already close to 5pm. One more deposit …. card declined ……..cant be ? surely

check bank … horror 4.57p credit ………………………

Check another account …. YES £100 quid …. transfer it over. 2 Mins later deposit – play – loose. Now angry – numb cant really believe it.

Open up my work, make £130 it happens like that sometimes … but not always. Honest money earned. I think 1 more deposit – then im done. The next £50 goes in under 7 minutes. Deposit again rinse and repeat.

All accounts now at zero. Im numb so numb heading banging
I worked hard for that money all week – now I have zero.

I hate myself. I look in the mirror and see an ugly fat fucking failure staring back at me.

its 10pm , I know I wont sleep, I know I will have to work all the hours and more to try stop the shiit storm I created. So numb ,headache – dehydration, I remember have not eaten all day!! Phone on facebook rings.

Its my son, he lives abroad, he has no food, can he order a pizza and use my card, He has fallen out with his mum (she is an alcoholic ) somehow he orders a pizza no idea how. I felt terrible useless…. i am supposed to support him.

Next 2 hours trying to calm things from afar between him and his mother. Promises of money on his card tomorrow so he can shop for food. It will be a long night I hope i really hope i get some business in so i can provide my son some food.

Start to self exclude , my headache wont go away, it does not feel real. I drink a coffee i eat a mouthful of rotten food from yesterday. I feel sick. But need to work.

4 casinos self excluded for life many more to go. its not enough …. hate myself even more ……….

12.00am I have been up since 8am – gambled at least 8 of those hours. Sick feeling refuses to go away

come here write this down and wonder … where the fukkk do i go from here ?

……………………….

[JohnNobody]

Hey Maverick im always interested in new ideas always! Email me anytime! And hope you getting things sorted your end … take care look forward to hearing from you 🙂

[JohnNobody]

Vera how are you ? its been too long. Too long and how could Ii forget you. The kindness you showed me when you offered me a place at your home last Christmas and even though I did not make it over I wont forget that you reached out. x

[JohnNobody]

Hello most of you wont remember me. Its been a while since I last wrote anything on here. But I do read the forum often and get email alerts of different posts. For myself I have come out of a very very dark place. I was almost at the edge and then stepped back and chose life. Have not gambled and am rebuilding my life.

Im soon to leave England and start afresh in a new Country near my son. Have a business now that is mobile so I can earn and travel. On that I feel so lucky. My debt are sky high but wont get any bigger. I am going of the grid for a while to really allow full acceptance of my new life. I miss thrill of the casinos but not the sick depressive feelings that followed. And I really hope I have the courage and mindset to keep on this path. Gambling always lurks in one form or another ready to pounce. But I can see now that without it so many other things are possible.

They are a few people here I feel really bad about not keeping contact with. People who really did support me. I want to reach out to them again and soon. They know who they are. My silence was not personal …. just had to go underground to really get to grips with my life.

Have traveled to Denmark a few times to see my son and going again this month with him as he here this week to be with me. Its a liberating feeling being able to do simple things like buy him a flight ticket without worrying if I can afford to get him from the airport or how I would feed him.

Depression has left me …. it shows this mental illness can be beaten. Gambling has not left me and never will but I choose to live with that and just not indulge.

Just want to say hope my wretched story of Rags to Riches and back to Skid Row and then recovery can give some hope to some of you here. I know from what I have read how hard many of you battle here. Cliche I know but as I have said before If I can do this …. then everyone can.

My real name if I have not said it before is Dino. I am no longer JohnNobody.

[JohnNobody]

I sense a new beginning for you my friend … Amazing how you have decided to take control! You are going to come through this I feel it and know it! A belated all the best for GMA …

Jn.

[JohnNobody]

Hi some of you may remember some not … some wont even know me. But I came to this site last year in the depths of despair. Truly the darkest period of my life where suicide seemed like a very reasonable and desired option.

I fought back as I know all of you here are doing. And am finally in the process of rebuilding. 3rd time of trying!

There is way through this addiction and even though it is a cliche … if I can do then trust me anyone can!!! I am as my name implys Nobody. But today I value life and value what I have. I think about gambling … I think about my addiction … and the urges come …. and then I stop.

I have a contract I am working on and hope to have my new company set up by the end of this year … (so long as I work through a total mess with HMRC) but it does not scare me as it used. Focus on the solution and not the problems.

I know some of you are going through hell right now. And I know for some it will feel as if there is no end in sight … But please try gain some hope from my wretched story. I have a long way to go … but I feel at peace and I feel energized again like I have not in over 4 years!

I miss hanging out here … and I miss all the good people whom I met and who were here for me when I fell and fell again. I am at the moment a terrible communicator as I am so wrapped up with things going on in my life. And I apologize for this.

I really want you all here to beat this awful debilitating addiction. I never will personally beat it … I have accepted that. I will always be an addict. But I hope an addict who can continue to say that “today I wont gamble”

Kudos to you all!!!

JN.

[JohnNobody]

Hello good people. It has been a while. I needed time for myself. Time to allow healing … its still early weeks but not days anymore. Have not gambled …. have thought it about ….but I have not followed through.

In October of last year I came here. My life was grinding to a halt. I was ready for exit. I wanted to embrace the darkness. I had the method worked out …. the tools were ready. I just lacked what I thought was courage to do the deed. Then I paused and stopped a moment …. and then I began to reach out. But this time I was reaching out not only to quit gambling but to save my own life.

Somehow with the help of meeting some Amazing people on the way (you know who you are) and with getting proper help and council I have managed to start climbing out of the pit.

For the the first time in over 3 years I do not feel depressed anymore. I have seen my son just last week and am already planning my next trip. Small steps in a big world.
My brother oldest one had a heart attack this week. He battled and over came. He is at home now … recovering. Life really can be delicate …. and so the value we place on that life and how will live has to be given the highest priority!!!

None of “us” here need gambling … it never gave us anything but stress low self esteem and for some like myself total ruin.

I can not say I wont ever gamble again but I can say I have no desire to at this period in my life. I am rebuilding , working on a contract that makes me feel like I did 15 years ago. Actually excited to get up in the morning and keep pushing forward. I owe god knows how much. But I will not be phased by it. One day all creditors will be silenced! That day is still a long way off.

I have missed much of what has gone on here and maybe my time at GT will come to an end. But I could not be here if it were not for this place or you reading this now. Take hope from this from my life. I have lost the lot! And More! And yet now as I climb the pit I can see that life still goes on and I want to be a part of it for as many years as I have left.

No idea how many days or weeks since I last gambled and I do not care. I wont count I will just be here and now …. and look forward to tomorrow!

[JohnNobody]

Hi Maverick I have not been here in a while but your post of suicidal thoughts caught my attention! This can never be an option. MayTree are a superb organization and even though I never actually went for the retreat in the end I spoke a number of times to them and I have only ever heard good things about Maytree. Reaching out here and elsewhere can really make a difference. I am LIVING proof of that not dead proof.

I will not preach to you as you are going through it right now but it passes and life can take on new shape! Maybe something like Maytree “could” help get things level in your mind. To be able to speak freely to a person face to face can this help ? I think so. Any talk of suicide worrys me. Please reach out and continue to reach out.

John

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