[I_Maverick]

You can do this mate. Do what everyone is telling me to do and get Gamblock on your PC. Self exclude from the sites. This is another setback on the road to recovery. The road to recovery is full of setbacks, but the fact that we continue is what makes it worthwhile.

You went 63 days mate, that is amazing. Tell your story when you feel it is right, it might help. For me when I relapse, I find it important to understand what made me give in too the urge, but we are all different.

Your have all our love and support here, no judgements. Just a desire to help ourselves and our comrades.

Be good

[I_Maverick]

Fritz, you sound so mature in your last post. I think that is where I want to be, but I can’t hurry it. I think I am still in grief about what I have done, what I have lost. I have to accept I am a compulsive gambler, which means that as soon as I bet once, I’ll never stop. So I never want to start again.

I want a satisfying,, productive life. I am to shift my expectation to something more mature and realistic. I have to accept who I am and what I can be, without trying to force it on myself or on others.

Fritz, you are doing so well, please keep posting because your positive progress makes me realise I can do it too.

[I_Maverick]

62 days is awesome Jansdad. I understand everything you are saying. What rings true to me most of all is your honesty about your ability. I think that’s where I fell down. I thought I was much better than I was. the truth is I am rubbish. True I can be patient when waiting for position and good cards, but after a while I would also lose patience.

Doesn’t matter. What matters is I stay clean, focus on what maters in life. No game matters more than life.

There will be no gambling this week as my friends are down and the house is chaos. 4 Children including ours. Mental. Ranging from 9, 6, 3 years and ours at 16 months.

Good luck everyone, and Jansdad you are my hero right now. I applaud you and salute you.

Thanks for posting.
M

[I_Maverick]

Hi P, thanks for the post. Coming on this site has really helped. I feel there are friends here, and this is pretty unqiue to these sites. The forum function and chat functions are excellent. Really well put together, making it easy.

I know I can’t gamble all weekend as my best friend and his family are here, and he knows all about this. He is one of those guys that can do drugs and gamble and never go mad. Very balanced. Me? Drug addict, alcoholic, CG. Doesn’t matter – if t gives you a high, I’ll get addicted to do. Have done for 20 years. But he understands. He is here with his missus and 3 kids. They are playing now with my little one, so I should get off the site and spend time with my friends.

But at least I know I won’t have any opportunity to gamble, and that is good.

Love to all

[I_Maverick]

Jansdad, thanks for the post. And also thanks for the gift, I will start listening to that this evening.

Dude, you’re still young. I’m 42 for chrissakes. What you wrote in your 3rd and 4th paragraphs really ring true to me. I cannot focus on my business at all. Can’t focus for more than 30 mins ata time, can’t plan forwards or think of a future.

Have you quit gambling, I think on the last post I read you were 57 days clean.

I am trying to get perspective, and understand where I fit into this. I was walking the dog this eve letting my mind wander and I saw myself, fit as a fiddel, going into a casino with 500. NOt to play casino games (never got any joy from them, far too ramdom) but to play poker Mental. This is usual when I quit the online poker (which I have done well at but can never cash out). I find online so crazy, as if there are idiots you can win money. Then suddenly you get crazy bad beats. Players playing insnaely shit cards and hitting straights and on the flop. Stuff like that.

Your advice is gratefully appreciated – equally, anything I can do to help, I’m here.

Take care mate

M

[I_Maverick]

I know this to to be, but thanks for pointing it out. I feel so low, so incapable. All I want to do is moan and complain – what I need to start doing is making action.

I know I can never gamble again so I am reaching out. I need to believe in myself again, to get some inner strength. To realise all is not lost – and I think deep down I believe it isn’t.

I have very close friends coming to visit, so I can relax a bit this weekend and enjoy myself and not think about what I have done. And then on Sunday, plan for MOnday and make next week really count, one day at a time.

Thanks JOhn, your words are appreciated.

[I_Maverick]

Dude, you are still young. As long as you do not gamble any more, because if you continue to gamble, you will have nothing. A very wise man said to me that you have to avoid the 2nd bet – that way you’ll never make the first bet.

This site is great, it is really helping me. I just had what I hope is my final relapse. My wife is in turmoil now, but I know I can sort it.

I see that your post was a few years ago so I hope you are ok.

[I_Maverick]

Sorry for ending the sessions. I was drifting and I have too much work to do. I have to stop myself from the negative thinking, it is getting too much.

Thanks for your time, as always.

[I_Maverick]

So I just told my parents I have gambled again. I can’t see any future for me except for moving back in with them, and that makes me feel like such a failure. It’s not the money I have lost, though that matters. It is the time I have lost in the last 3 week, putting my business at risk, putting my wife and son away from me. I feel like part of me has done this to punish myself and I do not know why. I do not seem to know myself. I know I can get through the rest of my life without gambling, but I do not know how I am going to turn my life around. I can’t imagine feeling any different from this. All I feel is:

I lost my family, my son, my business. What more do I need to lose.

[I_Maverick]

I didn’t mean every gambler, I meant all my friends have succeeded in their lives, or are succeeding. For years my life has been going down the tubes, and the gambling is the reason for it, along with other aspects. I have been punishing myself for so long in so many ways, that I feel the gambling is just one of them. I just don’t know how to turn it around – my head is so cloudy.

Thanks for your kind words, they mean a lot.

[I_Maverick]

It means a lot. I really does. But I feel terrible right now, and really struggling to focus on the work I have to do due to my self hatred. I think I have a ig issue with self-esteem but I need to make the changes – but feel powerless. I feel I am the biggest loser in the world and I cannot change – everyone has succeeded but me.

I will take deep breaths and try.

Love you all

[I_Maverick]

Hi Fritz,

I know exactly what you say. I am in the same boat. Less money, but the same emotional effects. This site is brilliant. Use the chat function with some of the staff if you have the time, they are great. I have just quit again after a relapse which took hold of me more violently than ever before. In 2 weeks it escalated to consuming all my time – which means my business is now in a precarious state and I have several dealines I have to meet which are now upon me which, if I hadn’t gambled 2 weeks ago, would not be to immediate.

I hae given in to the fact I cannot gamble at all – this morning I thought about how I would feel if I started playing poker again and I know understand the merry go round. It will never be different. IN time the thoughts of playing will fade, which means I need to be ultra vigilant.

You can do it this time. Remember, just like Bill Murray, you have to take it one day at a time. And that day will build until release.

Good luck,

M

[I_Maverick]

So today is a new day, and today I will not gamble. I will make myself useful. I will not ponder, or feel sorry for myself. I will apply myself to all my tasks.

It may be too late to save my relationship. It may be too late to save my business. But it is not too late to save myself. Because life goes on. People —- up. I know other people who have —-ed up and have sorted themselves out. It takes time. i cannot fix it in one day, or 2 days. But day after day of humble, hard work on myself and focusing, letting go of the ego, I can fix myself.

I will probably never achieve my dreams now, but there are new dreams. Life must change. I have a young son who I adore, and this disease has gotten in the way of that. It took over everything. Even on my last period of abstinance I regretted never being able to play again – I think that’s why i relapsed. I wanted it to be different.

I know now that it never will be. I am in the office early today. What I would normally do is, when alone, fire up the poker site and say “I;ll have a few hands”. I might win some, I might lose some. But I would never stick to the time – or stopping when I had won enough. It was never enough. Then I would lose it – and then lose more. Then feel like shit and hate myself.

I want off that merry go round. Someone at GA said that he has to avoid the second bet, not the first. Because he can only make a second bet if he makes the first.

I know that the game of poker is circular and goes nowhere except wasting time. And emotions. And energy. And life. And I have nothing left to give the game. It gave me nothing, why should I give anything back.

So here I am in my office, with loads of work to catch up on. I cannot catch up on all of it so I must make decisions on what is most pressing and organise my time.

Today has to be the first day of the rest of my life – when at work, work. Don’t kill myself, but be focused and, most importantly, enjoy it.

If any of you have any advice, I am happy to listen. I need all the help I can get to sort myself out. I want to be able to say in 6 months I made the right decisions now, and to be 6 months fully free of gambling, out of my depression, with a future to look forward to.

All my love

Mav

[I_Maverick]

The more time I spend on this site, the more I realise I am a compulsive gambler. I knew this, but didn’t accept it. How could I be? Why me? But I guess, looking more closely at myself, it makes sense. I was playing not to win money but because I was unhappy with my life. I was unhappy with myself. It is time to take a good look at my life and figure out what makes me happy, and why. And what makes me unhappy. I guess this is something that all CGs go through, but we have to go through it on our own. It is no good just to hear someone else’s story It is something we must experience for ourselves.

For me, I know now I am unhappy. I thought playing poker made me happy, but it doesn’t. It makes me more unhappy, because it means I am lying, cheating, stealing. It doesn’t matter if I was a good or bad player. The point is I cannot play because it gets in the way of everything else.

I am not expecting anyone to read this, but if you do, great. I am doing this so I can get the thoughts out of my brain and onto paper, as it were, so I can re read them for myself. But somewhere public, so I am not hiding any more.

I am a compulsive gambler who, after 3 years, wants to stop. And stop I will. Looking at the balance sheet, there is no benefit in playing any more. There are other things in life infinitely more interesting, such as the growth of my son which I am missing out on. The earning of real money, real value. The development of myself as a person, to grow up and become an adult, have some fun in life. To stop this moping about and woe is me shit. ENough. It is boring for myself and everyone around me. Time to take responsability for my actions. I am my own man, and I accept I am a compulsive gambler and if I do not stop now, I will end up with nothing.

[I_Maverick]

So, while trying to clean my computer of all gambling software etc I found an application. Out of curiosity I opened it, fully intending to bar myself. There was some money there. So I thought I would see how I felt if I played. It felt good. I won. Then said, cash it out now. BUt I didn’t – lost that and then found myself putting more in chasing it. Lost that. Then I closed the account, which I should have done before.

Just had a great chat with Harry from the site – you are amazing, I know what I have to do now. Never Gamble Again.

NGA. It’s such a waste of time and emotion, and sucks me dry. Even if I win I am not happy, as I want more. And if I lose I am unhappy. But what makes me most unhappy is that fact that it is the most stupid waste of time when I could be doing more productive things. Such as thinking about my life and planning for a gamble free future. No more lies, no more sneaking around, no more dreams. They are all empty.

I will dream of my son, my wife, my life. I will become less selfish and start thinking of others and those around me.

I accept, once and for all, I can not gamble. I am sick of this feeling. I hate it. I want to help others when I am better. I want to get a better perspective on my life.

I am going to take one day at a time.

I will tell the truth in all situations and avoid temptation.

I will be good and good will be me.

I will be back soon, and I love you all and wish everyone on this site a speedy recovery to full, happy and productive lives.

[Author]

Posts