[I_Maverick]

Great post Geordie, and applies to me too. Jansdad, you are strong and you can do it and stay off forever.

All my love

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Great post Geordie, and applies to me too. Jansdad, you are strong and you can do it and stay off forever.

All my love

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Great post Geordie, and applies to me too. Jansdad, you are strong and you can do it and stay off forever.

All my love

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Feeling Better.

I think – hope – the meds are working. While I am having feeling of regret of what I have done and how I have lived my life, not just the gambling, I feel not happier, but more normal. More like me. I don’t have an urge to gamble, and I think if I did I could handle it in the same way as I will handle feelings of regert that worm their way into my mind. Accept them, and then refocus.

I will not feel sorry for myself today, there is no value in that.
I can’t fix my life in one day, but I can do positive things today so that when I go to sleep, knowing what needs to be done tomorrow, I can be satsfied that I am making progress.

And who can ask for more than that

I think I understand the mantra one day at atime better know.

Good luck to everyone out there and all my love

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Thanks Sad.

I am sitting here, feeling overwhelmed again, trying to focus and i am so scared of the situation I have created. It is the start of the week, and it is so long since I did a full day’s work without regretting, ruminating etc. How can I move on when I have created so much chaos in my family’s life.

When I got this big commission in Jan of last year I promised that what is happened would not happen.
I would not gamble
I would plan, and work on the plans for theproject
I would watch the oney
I would watch my depression for signs of either over or under confidence
I would end the year happy, with a succesfuk project
The company;s debts would be paid off and we would make a nice profit

None of those things have hapened, primarily because of gambling

So if I stop gambling now, I have to move on. I have to accept I fucked up, and kept fucking up. I have to see that this is my chance to change, to recover.

I am trying to imagine myself in 2 mnths time, the same as I am, thinking this was the time to change.

So I have to have future past 20/20 vision. How will I feel if I don’t sort things out from now – I just feel so overwhelmed and dissappointed in myself.

I am sorry to keep feeling sorry for myself it makes me sound so pathetic. And this isn’t me – I used to be strong, focused, clear. What happened to me?

Take care all, last post until this evening

My wife thinks I am addicted to feeling sorry for myself and posting. I hope I am not.

[I_Maverick]

Just a quick update. I just had my first session with the counsellor from GamCare and I was able to verbally express myself to him. We talked through a lot of my feelings, and we agreed what I have to do – actually I came up with it.

1) Focus on 1 day a time
2) If I start thinking about gambling to escape, understand that it won’t help me escape at all. Remember how I feel when I play and hate myself for it – do I want to feel like that again
3) DO something for my wife and child
4) Focus on my job and what needs to be done.

I actually feel better, so many the drugs are taking effect. Maybe it is just ornings I need to be careful of. I am going to try and go to bed this evening at 10 so I can catchup on my sleep, and see how that works. Maybe I can sleep 10-6 – that’s a full 8 hours. Then take the dog for a walk, make breakfast for the family, get the baby ready and be in work for 9am.

I think I have to let many things go, and focus on what is important, so that I don’t have other things to feel bad about.

I need to prioritise. My brother just said something interesting – That I do not know where I want to be.

Love to all, gotta go and focus.

Mav

[I_Maverick]

I am really struggling today. This morning my wife cried because I appear so incacapable of functioning. This is not a result of my gambling, it is a result of me. Has anyone else been through this, this insane lowness. Has anyone got out of this? I am seeing a Gamcare counsellor today because I know if I give in to the temptation of gambling thinking it will make me feel better it will make me feel worse. I keep trying to remember the times when I gambled in an unfit state of mind, how it made me feel worse.

What really hurts is that last year we had the biggest commission we ever had. It was supposed to solve all our financial problems and put the company onto an even footing, and my depression has not allowed that to happen. The commission is 4 months late, we’ve used the money just to keep going and I have not been able to look for more work. My wife hinks we need to close the business down, but that makes me feel like such a failure. Why can’t I see what I have to do.

It is a week now since my last gamble, but I am not feeling better. I am not sure the pills are working, and not sure where to turn to. I also have HMRC chasing me for personal tax, my company owes money to HMRC (which this comissions should have paid) and unless we deliver we do not get the final payments.

I am losing my mind.

I am sorry to be posting all this shit on here, I just don’t know what else to do. If I don’t these thoughts out of my head I will explode. I need to breathe, to slow down – but all I can think of.

There is so much work to do and if it wasn’t for my wife I would be lost. I would pronably be here gambling knwong me so I am going to take that as a positive. The issue is the cost of childcare and how I am leaving everything to my amazing wife. What happens when she leaves me, what am I going to do? Why does my life have to be such a craphole, how did I allow this to happen, what is wrong with me?

All my love to everyone out there, I love you all.

[I_Maverick]

Feeling very low today. I didn’t get the proposal done that I needed to, and it if wasn’t for my amazing wife the business would be in an even worse state than it is. I just cannot cope, and it is not the gambling. I cannot blame the gambling. I am just very low, I hate myself for the life I have created.

I know that I could turn things around, but I just don’t have the energy. Because I run my own business (business, ha. Businesses make money) I can’t take time off work.

ALl I want to do is play poker and forget. Lose everyhing, throw everything away. Just destroy my life. I had lots of dream, nightmares. My wife told me. I don’t remember them. I remember one dream about my childhood when everything seemed amazing – but here I am, 42 years old without a future.

NO money, no house, a wife who is sick of me (and I don’t blame her) and I just can’t get the energy to turn it around. I know I could if I had the energy, the happiness, the stamina.

I am so close to tears it is shocking – I am letting everyone down.

I so wanted to gamble yesterday but I didn’t. It is almost a week now since my last relapse was discovered. I didn’t even lose lots of money, but I lost time and self respect. I know I need to get my self respect back.

It’s a beatyful morning here, I know what I have to do. But I just don’t feel it – I just want to hide and run away, but I can’t do that. Too many people depend on me. Christ I feel the prsssure.

Is what I am feeling because of the anti-depressents? What would I feel like iwthout them? How do I know if they are working? Is my gambling and the depression linked, or are they separate? Why can’t I be normal? WHy does it look like I don’t want to sort myself out when I do? How can I skip this painful stage and move straiught onto be happy and having a hgood life again. I am so afriad.

I am afraid of what has happened, what is happeneing and what is going to happen. My fears feel so real, but are they?

I am sorry to write such a depressing post, but I have to get it out. I know noone out there has any answers as no one knows me, but I am hyperventilating. The addict part of my brain says “poker will cheer you up” but it won’t as I won’t play well. I’ll only be playing to feed some stupid addiction, using it as a drug as a drug addict takes drgs to stave off withdrawel. But this isn’t withdrawel, it’s depression. And a depression I must get out of.

Today, I have to: FInish the porposa, finish Rinkoo’s film, got to GamCare for my appointment, organise catering for the cast and crew screening and start working on the industry screening. I also have to do the company VAT accounts (should have been done last week or 2 weeks ago at the start of Feb but I was gambling) and so many other things I do not know where to start.

I just want to feel so sorry for myself, but that is no answer either. It is boring for me and everyone around me. I am a man of 42 years old who feels like a lost 8 year old who doesn’t know how the world works, with no sense of responsability. BUt I have responasbilities, but I am not taking tjem seriously.

Please help me God, as I understand you, just get through this day and make use of this day so that at the end of the day I can feel proud. I know I cannot fix my life in one day.

Just for today I will not try and fix my life in one go.
Just for today I will not critisize, I will look at what is good in the world and enjoy what is beautiful.
Just for today I will not gamble.
Just for today, I will try and find a quiet half hour by myself to think, to quieten my mind.
Just for today I will not think of ending it all.

Love you all

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Thanks Sad. That’s a fantastic story. I like the one about the guy who visited your mum’s shop. I honestly know deep down that if I stop gambling, then I can get on top of everything else. I just want to stop thinking about gambling,.

This site has really helped in so many ways. Just writing stuff down helps, but knowing there are people there as well means so much.

I can remember a time when I was gamble free, my gambling has only been a problem for 3 years (though I always played a little before then, it was never all consuming).

What I find most hard to take is the fact I can never enjoy a little game of cards with my mates again. I think that that is the toughest, that a part of my social life has to change. That I have ruined what was a harmless, enjoyable evening with mates. Because I, and they, would worry would that be a trigger. They have told me they will never invite me to play again.

But I suppose as an adult and a mature person I have to take that on the chin and live with in if I want the rest of my life to improve.

I have found this site to be invaluable, and hopefully tomorrow and the rest of the week I will be very productive. I am going to start by making plans of what I have to do, what is most pressing, and then planning how to achieve that. Settling clear goals etc.

Sad68, you are an angel. Thanks for responding.

To all your recovering gamblers, I send you all our love.

M

[I_Maverick]

Ivan, Really good/bad post. The funny thing is, like me, you are really coherent. I am positive that even as you were playing there was a part of your watching you, wondering what you were doing, saying quit now. The funny thing is, we are predisposed to throwing our money away. Certainly I am. I can play well for a while, win, and then not stop. Until your luck is bound to change, you have a bad beat and make bad decisions.

Your are in my thoughts big man, and I know you will come out of this. You know there is no reason to play, and yet you enjoy the game too much. And I understand that.

Have you spoken to your wife about this? I know I am going to put measures in place to bar me as much as possible. I have no closed down all my poker accounts – I would have to scrabble around for some really dodgy sites to play, so that makes me feel better. But what worries me is what happens when me wife leave stye country, leaving me on my own.

I was just having a cape outside, and suddenly I saw myself playing at limits much higher than I have ever played. Highest I have played as 1/2, but I saw myself playing at 5/10 losing thousands I don’t have. I didn’t see myself winning – the image has really shaken me.

I love you all, and hope to see you all again soon

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Hi Mark,

Well done for coming here. I just had a relapse after a year clean. I am close to losing everything, but I have the community here to be amazing and they have really helped me. I intend to stay in this community, do GA and also GamCare, Find your nearest GamCare counselling group and speak to someone. I have found that my gambling is a result of something else deep inside me. It is an insidious disease. The more you win, the more you want to win. And then when you lose, you have to become reckless to chase losses. We cannot be normal gamblers or players, we always lose our heads.

Good luck, and feel free to write at any time. The people at the end of the helpline are fantastic, they all understand what you are going through.

Good luck, and keep posting.

[I_Maverick]

Just a thought, and this is more about myself than anyone else, but I think the reason I gambled was because I was unhappy with where I was. But instead of focusing on that and saying to myself, if you are unhappy do something about it, I found an activity that displaced the unhappiness and it replaced the thoughts of what I didn’t have with what I might have.

I am sitting at home, feeling flat, thinking about what I have lost – but struggling to think about what I have. I have my health, I have a job (for a while unless I truly implode) I don;t have much money but I have access to some. I have an amazing wife who is fed up and a wonderful son who will always be my son. Do I want him to know me as a depressed gambler who threw it all away, or do I want him to know me as a man who took control of my own affairs, accepted my own weaknesses and failings and then turned his life around.

I want to be there for my son, to help and enable him to be the person he has to be. And to do that I need to be the person I need to be – and maybe that person is different to the one I imagined. Perhaps this is my lesson. I must be humble and accept myself, warts and all. And move on.

Love and peace

M

[I_Maverick]

That’s a lovely post, Sad68. Thanks so much. I just read your post to my wife, who is frankly sick of all of this. The one line she commented on was “My family has become happy very quickly now that I am present with them.” That’s my big issue – not being present. My mind is somewhere else.

My wife is leaving in a couple of months, going to back to Colombia taking Valentin with her. I feel awful about this, but she needs a break and if I am mature I have to accept this. She will be gone for 3 months. He will be almost 2 years old when she gets back. She is not sure she will want to stay with me. She suggested I take a holiday to Germany where my parents have a holiday home and I pictured myself there and guess what… I pictured myself on my laptop playing poker to my heart’s content. It is insane how, even though I know that I have to stay way from gambling, there is a part of my twisted brain that still wants it. Craves it. But nothing good will come from it.

I know in time these thoughts will ease. I don’t want to win money, I don;t expect to win. But it makes the pain go away. But I have to embrace the pain, because without pain there is no pleasure. That is life. I must accept that. Why do my friends and parents have homes and savings and things? Because they made the effort to change job when they were unhappy, to retrain, to start again. I find change difficult – I just want things to be the same all the time. That could be my depression. I am afraid of the changes that will come, because I tend to impolode at change. I am afraid of the full consequences of my gambling – loss of wife, son, business etc. But i am not the first and I am not the last and I am only 42. I still have a good 30 years of working life left – but I am halfway through my life. Time to start making it count.

Any stories from people who lost it all and turned their lives around would be welcome. I know I can do it, but I am scared.

Love and peace to all, and stay gamble free.

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Hi Kirty

It sounds as if you are doing well. If your screen name indicates your year of birth then we are the same age – and that means if you can do it so can I. I think you’ve made all the right moves, focusing on others, on things IN your life such as house, home, garden, family etc, rather than things outside your life.

I am almost a week now without gambling, and it still hurts to think I can never play a casual game with my mates, but that is the truth. I can’t afford to go anywhere near a game of cards for fear it will make me log on. I used to argue with my wife and family saying I will stay away from online, but I can play with my mates. But that isn’t true I have to remember the GA way – one day at a time, not no bet even for table stakes.

Keep posting with your successes, with your feelings, as they will help so many of us. Success stories are what we need, how you make the achievements and what they mean to you.

Good luck and thanks for joining.

Mav

[I_Maverick]

So almost a week since the discovery of my last major relapse. I am no where near out of the woods, but I can starting to sense again what it means to be gamble free. I try to think back to before I had a gambling problem. I think I did enjoy life. I think I understand what gambling was replacing, and more than anything it was replacing responsibility. Sure, I thought I enjoyed it, but it was like an acid trips. My mind travelled onto a higher plane, but a destructive plan that constantly needed feeding. I also know that now when I play it eats my brain – I am axioms of getting caught, anxious of losing money then having to lose more money, anxious because I know it is doing me now goo, anxious because it means having to lie.

I don’t want those anxieties anymore. I was a life filled with love, laughter, living in the moment gamble free. Not even thinking about gambling. It’s such a stupid activity, one with no benefit or positives at all.

Gonna take the dog for a walk now, clear my head. There are things to do, tasks to complete. These are what matter in life.

[Author]

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