[Gbabyh]

Yikes! It’s been a while since I’ve visited this site… I installed a productivity/blockade app, which prevented me from visiting certain sites, including sites with the word “gambling” in it, i.e. I couldn’t go to this forum haha. This just goes to show how a little blockade or the ease of access can guide humans towards the things they don’t want and the things that they want…

Needless to say, I’ve finally fixed my settings 🙂

[Gbabyh]

It’s so nice to hear from you – I hope you’re doing well.

I am thankful for the support I receive from everyone I know, it really helps a lot. The thought of having support from strangers in other lands is really encouraging – bless this forum. I’m still struggling, but I managed to get by these last two days, and I do feel a tiny bit better.

[Gbabyh]

Yes, it’s definitely tough to deal with a break-up, especially with end-of-semester stuff going on and moving to a new place to stay at. I feel so many things; sadness, fear, loneliness, confusion, depressed and so on…

I’ve been writing a lot in my personal notebook, which is small enough to carry around in my pockets. It really helps with all the thoughts in my head. I can return to my notes when I feel weak and when I find myself entertaining the thought of getting back together. That’s the most important thing to me right now – to let go of the hope of finding our way back together. It’s not what we truly want, and it’s certainly not something I can control. I’m just trying my hardest to surrender myself to this new situation and letting go of the past, and accept it while embracing whatever is coming my way.

Since my last post, I feel better, although still terrible. I took your advice and sought out friends and meetings, which have helped immensely. It’s nice to feel cared about.

[Gbabyh]

Last night my girlfriend and I decided to break up… We have been together for a year, and we almost lived together in a one-room apartment for the entirety of our relationship. I’m obviously very emotional and sad, but we both knew it was probably the right decision. I just never thought that I would leave someone I dearly loved…

Right now, I’m trying my best to deal with this responsibly and focus on the bright side of things, but I’m in so much pain that I can barely breathe or hold myself together. The logistics of moving I can deal with later when the timing is more right, she is perfectly fine with that. But damn… being with these feelings is rough…

[Gbabyh]

Just read your last 2 posts, and oh my goodness you are killing it! It makes me wanna double, triple my own efforts haha. It’s so nice to read about someone being so productive, it really motivates me! With regards to the ads, as Steev mentions, Ad-blocker is your friend. I use chrome and it’s literally a one-click download. But it’s not gonna take you all the way there. The ads that make it through usually have an option in the corner, where you can like to report it. Whenever I see gambling add or something I don’t like to see, then I report it and mark it as not relevant/inappropriate/find it offensive. As long as you stay away from any sites, that the algorithm could potentially classify you as a person with interests in gambling, those pesky and annoying ads will be gone by the end of the month – worked for me.

– Chris

[Gbabyh]

I’m gonna speak for myself, although I think this applies to many compulsive gamblers. I have many times before gambled because of low self-esteem, low self-worth, and such. When I find myself being productive, taking care of my body, my mind, eating well, staying hydrated, meeting deadlines, etc. it’s so much easier for me to resist the temptations of falling back to old and bad behavior known from my gambling days. First of all because of the momentum and what a waste it would be to throw that progress away, but also because, purely emotionally, I feel that I respect myself more, that I’m worth more than succumbing to gambling urges. My self-esteem and sense of self-worth skyrockets when I’m productive. All in all, I become more stable and less likely to react to impulses. What I’m trying to say is that I’m glad that you have found something that works for you, which totally also works for me. A solid framework for the day makes for a stable life 🙂

Good to hear from you – I’ll look forward to the next update!

– Chris

[Gbabyh]

I thought, wow this person is doing great and talking a lot of sense. Especially the part about dopamine release and rewiring the brain I agree with a lot. I didn’t agree with you about GA and the confessional relapse thing you mentioned. I go to GA meetings regularly and get a ton out of it, so I’m biased in that regard. But I did notice, as you mention yourself, that you got a bit too cocky about your recovery, which isn’t unusual for us addicts, and it made me worry for your future gf. And unfortunately, I was too late to comment on this matter. I know you feel like shit right now, but don’t discard the progress, the experience, and the lessons from your gf days and this relapse that you will and have learned. As you say yourself, everyone relapses every once in a while, it’s not different from cheating on your diet. One time is not going to throw away the results. So get back up and continue the fight. Continue staying busy, continue doing what’s good for you, but don’t forget your roots, where you came from. By the same train of thought, don’t forget that you are a compulsive gambler. That’s mainly why I go to GA meeting. I know from my own experience that I tend to forget my roots, whenever I don’t feel the effects from my last relapse, and let everyday life take my focus. Oh, and if you didn’t insist on keeping this from your friends or whatever, then maybe they could have stopped you or wouldn’t have invited you to a place with slots. And if they still would invite you, well then they don’t have your best interest and then they don’t qualify as friends. It’s your call, but I used to feel the same way, but 3 months ago I decided to come clean, and I have since then been getting their support at least a couple of times at times where I really needed it.
Berta, I’m sure you are gonna come back even stronger, I wish you well, and I look forward to reading about your progress once in a while.

– Chris

[Gbabyh]

I wish you well and the best of luck with your travels and medical tests 🙂

– Chris

[Gbabyh]

I hope it’s not too late for you by the time I write this. You’ve achieved 42 something days gambling free by staying busy at work or whatever. I’m not going to discount any of that, it’s amazing and that’s why I want you to keep building on your progress. Stop romancing and entertaining the thought of gambling again. Inside you know where it’s gonna lead you. You already realize this, which is the first step. Now you must ACT on it – you can do it! Do whatever you must to break your train of thoughts regarding gambling again. Go for a walk, call somebody, make plans, just do something for yourself, or better yet, go do something for SOMEONE ELSE. You’ll feel amazing, and it will give you an escape route from the dangerous thoughts about gambling again. Keep yourself busy with anything else than gambling, just as work has kept you busy for the last 42 days.

I hope you pull through.

– Chris 

[Gbabyh]

Starting getting my act together again. Although I haven’t gambled in these 242 days, I know that there have been times where I’ve done things and been living my life according to the needs and impulses of my addictive personality. Whether it be overeating, avoiding deadlines, binging series, skipping workouts, playing too much computer – basically any type of running from my fears that are causing me a lot of stress. This is who I am at the moment. By default, I run from my fears and avoid responsibility. This creates the perfect circumstances for my addictive personality to take over again. I think a major step in my recovery is being able to deal with whatever I fear and cause me stress at the time in a responsible a logic way. After that part, or simultaneously, I must work on dealing with boredom/not experiencing the highs that I know from gambling. Being social is a pretty good counter to that part. I’m too lazy to structure this post properly right now, but the fact of the matter is, I’m doing well overall, and I have been able to deal with my addictive personality by doing all the right things that I know are good for me when in a good period, and by choosing the lesser of 2 evils when in a bad period, as I have been in recently.

Right now I look forward to seeing my progress next week, in terms of health and my education, and I look forward to all my social plans, which provide me with good breaks from either all my obligations through the day or my recovery from this sickness.

– Chris

[Gbabyh]

I hope you will manage to stay consistent with the forum (or any other recovery-related actions you might take) as I strongly believe that a daily reminder of what sickness we’re dealing with here is much needed in the period following a relapse. This, for me, has helped me not become too complacent and relaxed with my everyday life (although I’ve been failing lately), and that has ultimately helped me tackle the days (which I often feel are stale) one at a time and make progress, however small, every day.

I wish you the best

Regards
Chris

[Gbabyh]

My life the last 3-4 weeks have been up and down. I realize that it’s because I haven’t been able to stay consistent with the different activities that are good for me in the long run – such as updating this journal and being active on the forum. Although I still go to GA and remain good relations in that community, I must admit, I have lost momentum and I have been having gambling thoughts. I must regain control and awareness of my actions before it is too late, but it’s tough because the old me is trying to pull the new me back to familiar and comfortable grounds.

Whoever reads this, I hope you’re doing well – Stay GF

– Chris

[Gbabyh]

Been sick this whole past week. Lately, I have been detecting internal resistance towards my recovery i.e. this forum and my GA community. I feel I’m being lazy and unmotivated towards all aspects of my life. Something is holding me back, something in me is trying to work against my goals and what is good for me. I feel like I have fallen off the horse and I’m struggling to get back on it. I’m not good at getting started with something, and when I do, I often don’t finish it or stay consistent. I have lots of thoughts of self-doubt and what my character REALLY is. Is it really as stoic or strong as I picture it? Based on my history I think not…

[Gbabyh]

Detection of old behavior: Trust issues…

Tonight my girlfriend was to a reunion, but it was only her and this male friend from her high school that she’d only known for 1 year. So basically it ended up like a date. They met up at a ramen restaurant (which we coincidentally had our 2nd date on). I know nothing of this guy and I don’t even know how he looks. But she went there while I was attending my GA meeting. After I was done I texted her on Fb and asked when she would be home, I noticed she came online but didn’t answer me. I took it as she ignored me. Well, this is the point where my rational self lost its footing and my brain and trust issues took control.

I started noticing that she had been away for 4 hours at this ramen place, which I found oddly long. I started overanalyzing her responses right up to the dinner and how they weren’t as “lovingly” as they normally are. I started feeling insecure, overseen, neglected, I wondered if she was lying or if it was real date and so on. I don’t want to believe, even think, these things. But once I get started I can’t help it… I didn’t react too badly on it, as I have done in the past, but I’m very affected by this at the moment, and im having a hard time letting it go, which ruins the mood and the interaction with my girlfriend when she came home, which will only make things worse…

I can’t stand this man… shit!

– Chris

[Gbabyh]

That your gambling addiction is kind of like mine – it comes and goes… However, you confessing and asking for help is a big step in your recovery, and it may lead to the change you seek if you are committed

My first advice is to set up barriers for whenever the urges to gamble return. I’m sure that you know the most common barriers if you have been reading the forum.

Secondly, I would suggest you to reflect deeply on your reasons for gambling, what has triggered your gambling in the past, was it for money, was it because of boredom, do you have unresolved issues from your childhood, etc.. For instance, I gamble to escape my fears and my stress (obviously they can come in many forms, which leaves the question on how to combat that pattern?). Each type of fear and stress for me can have different solutions, but I will, to the best of my ability, not let them grow too big to the point where I act negatively on them. This is a really experimental phase with loads of trial and error. So, in the past, I have gambled because of money, not because I needed it, but because I felt it could validate my worth. Realizing money was a trigger for me, I decided to put less value on money – I shouldn’t need money to feel good about myself. And so, I rid my room and my dresser for any excess junk and only left myself the essentials. I cut down my spending A LOT and now live a very minimalistic lifestyle. The result is that I don’t think about money, I don’t stress about it at all, it’s just a means to an end.

I hope you can make sense of anything of the above, It was just a quick response. Good luck with your recovery.

– Chris

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