[Berta24449787]

I have been lost that last few months. I’m trying to find my way alone, not because theres no one to help me, but because that’s the way I want it. I am a loner and always have been. Gambling only reinforces this. I want to fight my demons alone because I dont want anyone to know not only how far I have fallen, but what has happened to get me here in the first place. I must do this my own way. I have tried before journaling here, thinking that a community will help me see what I am, but it didnt. I felt like an outsider looking in and didnt necessarily identify with you all and your struggles. Running girl, you have been wonderful. Steev as well. I am going to try to change my life now. That is what it will take. I have to overhaul the entire mess that I have made and no less will due. I cant just stop gambling if I do the same stupid things day in, day out. Isnt that the true definition of insanity? Stop the insanity, to coin a well used phrase. Today I start a new day. I am gambanned to the nines, full of hope that this Sunday will be the beginning of a new week and a new life. I am so weary and sick of who and what has taken over my mind and body that there is really nowhere got me to go anymore. Here’s the plan:
Step 1: keep busy because there idle hands have been doing the devils work.
Wish me luck.

[i-did-it]

Hi Berta
You may feel like an outsider looking in but you are very much part of this support group. I think gambling addiction makes us feel like that – it completely isolated us until eventually it is just us and our gambling world .

If you are in England would you consider getting online counselling through Gamcare. I journal a lot but it certainly isn’t enough for me- in fact sometimes my journal annoys me because I am afraid to be really open in case I am identified and Jen the responses don’t rally correlate to where I am at at.

When you say you are a loner – is this by choice or do you find it difficult to mix with others perhaps due to shyness. It’s ok to enjoy your own company but it is good to seek out the support of others when we need it.
Berta Perhaps we will meet in group sometime- it is easier to communicate there .

[Steev]

Hi Berta – glad you are posting again – though sorry that things have been tough for you.

I liked your step one – and was looking for step 2. I know – small steps. But consider this (and I say this because I care) keeping busy didn’t seem to be a problem for you – you knew how to do that. I wonder if what is more of a problem is the isolation that you feel?
I agree with Idi on the counselling front – if I recall correctly you are in Canada.
RG posted this on someone else’s thread (I’m sure she won’t mind me stealing!)

“Gambling counselling is free in Canada through CAMH. No need for insurance. It is an incredibly good service. Also, group therapy through the same program at CAMH deals with a great deal more than why you gambled and offers things like mindfulness meditation which is known to be very useful to problem gamblers in recovery. Check out their website…”

Now I know you want to do things alone – but perhaps it is not what you NEED. I think you pointed out on your previous thread that doing the same things over and over and expecting different results is crazy. So time to get out of your comfort zone and try something different – perhaps?

My gentle urging would be for you to get support for yourself. Don’t try to go it alone. Keep posting here and reach out … I wish you well.

[Berta24449787]

I cant say that I’m stuck, I’m just feeling no real drive to do anything that really just involves me. Lose weight, meet someone new, take courses; nothing is sparking any interest in my brain. I dont know if it’s the gambling that has numbed my brain  or if I have just had enough of the ups and downs of relationships that I just  wont take the emotional turmoil anymore. I have done nothing to further my single status since the kicking out of my ex two years ago. We were together 7 years and they were not happy ones. I’m not good in relationships and have trouble keeping interested in being In a couple for very long. I’ve had intermittent periods of single status and remember them being the most productive times of my life. I am not ready and am not getting any younger, but this fact still doesnt move me at all. What if i wait too long? Is this why i gamble? Am i not facing the fact that i should be alone because that is what truly makes me happy? So many things to ponder. I will think about CAMH. You keep doing what  makes it work for you. I’ve heard that CAMH is fantastic but dont feel ready to take that road as of yet. There are things inside that I dont really want uncorked at this juncture of my life, as gambling may be a better option than dealing with all that. Thanks for the support.

[Steev]

I have been wondering whether to respond to your last post. I felt you were saying I want to be alone with this and find my own way.
That’s fine AND I want you to know that I care. I felt a strong empathy with your OP on your first thread. I think I said so at the time. I was reclusive and secretive and although I was going out to work – I didn’t socialise with anybody there. I led a very solitary life (still do if truth be known!)
When I reached my “rock bottom” I knew I either had to get well or I would not survive. I reached a point where I would do anything to change my behaviour – little did I then know how hard that was going to be. I couldn’t do it alone. I had to reach out to people, I know you WANT to do it alone and I feel you NEED to reach out.
So small steps. If going to see a counsellor or going to a group is too much (and I can understand why,) maybe go for a 1-2-1 session here, or see if there is some on-line counselling that you can take up which might be less threatening.
I’ve done a lot of counselling and one thing I have learnt is that I can go at my own pace. A good, experienced counsellor will know how far to take you and not push you into areas that are too difficult at first.
Take the first small step out of the prison. I wish you well!

[i-did-it]

Berta
Steev has made a great suggestion. The online “live support” on here is really good and it runs for most of the day.
I often really felt I needed to go to the support but I worried about wasting their time – even when I did connect I felt
I had to get off really fast .
I’m not sure why I felt I wasn’t worthy of the online counsellor spending time with me and my problem.
Recently (after ten miserable years ) I have started reaching out and I am finding these people really do want to help . I guess there would be little job satisfaction for them if they didn’t feel they were helping people in their chosen career as a counsellor. So I guess in a way I’m helping them feel fulfilled!

Berta you at worth so much and you deserve to be free of this – in your own time perhaps connect anonymously with the online counsellors on here or on another site. You have nothing to lose and you might find it helps .

Keep strong xx

[Berta24449787]

At the risk of sounding like I am minimizing anyone else’s pain or hardship, I have had a pretty rough go of it from the age of 13 (when I found myself in the care of the court) until now, and have always been able to sort through things on my own. I’ve been self supporting since the age of 15 and managed to keep a house and a family pretty well all on my own. I’ve held the same job for over 30 years ( something  to be proud of given the turmoil in my industry) and can soon retire and begin to wind down from the struggle. I have had some help along the way, as my parents are now more in the picture than ever before, but it has been me that I have looked to to find my way because only I can gauge what fits and what doesnt. I cant lie to myself and I can see, in an instant, what is possible in my closed world. I am not a loner in the traditional sense, but have little faith in those around me as I have been let down repeatedly by those who seek to further themselves. I have had issues before with things  such as this and managed to work out how best to deal with it in my own way and time. I appreciate that you are there, and others are there, but I am not quite where I indeed to be to counsel my way out. I will continue to check in and read posts, so thanks for the share. 

[Berta24449787]

I am home today and keeping busy . That’s the key, of course, is keeping your mind and hands busy. I usually would have been a lump on the couch playing on line but decided to start activity as soon as i got up so as to avoid the inevitable “slide” from the news to the slots when i am online. I did watch a few videos and look at the circulars, and have plans to do a little shopping in a while. I hope that everyone has had a good week and that the day brings some of relaxation and not torment. I wanted to add a little note about looking online. I have begun to watch the videos that show up on youtube on the side panels, the ones that are “recommended”. I am glad that someone is looking out for me there, because I am getting lots of the videos that show people in financial crisis or lost everything due to gambling addiction, and it does put a little fear in me. I need to be the reason and sanity in my household. I am the only one. I never really feel like i am spending real money when i play, so seeing my accounts and the plight of others who have lost so much really does start to hit home. I am trying to go strong for week number two. Happy labor day weekend to all.

[i-did-it]

Hi Berta
Being a ward of the courts at such a young age is a hugely traumatic experience . They latest term is ACE (adverse childhood experience) and it is well documented that ACEs increase our likelihood of developing addictions .
Berta you have done an amazing job at holding it all together despite your experiences. It’s unsurprising that you needed an escape somewhere along the way.
Unfortunately we have found that using gambling as an escape causes more problems than it helps .
Berta you had a shaky start in life – you of all people deserve a good life – get whatever help you need (counselling etc). Be totally selfish about your recovery. Take whatever action you need and understand that you deserve a good life .
A massive congratulations and well done on your gamble free time !
So proud of u !

[Rdy4Chng]

I am just getting started in my recovery. Thank you for sharing.
I too have had A LOT of pain and suffering in my life; at my young age of only 36 I have lost both my parents, both of which died of Cancer. I was in a severe car accident many years ago where I broke so many bones I lost *****. We didn’t have a lot of money growing up. My brother is mentally handicapped.. I could go on.

I like to think of myself as a strong, independent person who can handle most things on their own. I’ve been struggling for almost 2 years with this problem that I created only just those 2 years ago. I’ve come to realize, as stubborn as I am, as smart as I think I am, as resilient as I’ve proven I am, sometimes, we do need help. I think even just reaching out here and posting takes courage.
Thanks for sharing and stay strong!

[Berta24449787]

I have noticed something rather odd today when journaling- I have been *****ing down the days that I have been gamble free only after the day has finished and hesitant to commit to today being number 11 in advance. I should be writing number 11 in today’s column as soon as I wake. That should be a commitment that I make at the beginning of each day, but it isnt. I have not actively been attempting to gamble but have not totally committed to not doing it either or I would *****  today as day 11 from hour 1? I’m not sure what this means to my recovery but I do think that it is something I should ask about. Anyone in the same boat?

[Berta24449787]

I’ve managed to slip into the double digits gf. The singles are easy at the beginning but getting close to the double digits and I usually would slip. Today I can write day 13 and I am knowing that I can commit to day 14,15,16 17 at this point because I am so busy that I can’t even find time. I did conquer the two days off , which I just finished, and with the help of gamban I did it effortlessly. I urge everyone who gets sucked into online play to try it for at least two weeks. They have a trial membership for two weeks minimum and it can be a godsend. If you have it on one device then open a new email and use it to register for a second device free. Do what you must. I couldn’t have made it this far without it and am thinking I might be able to make a month. Here’s hoping?!!!

[jen3]

I just read your thread. You are certainly not alone. I can relate on so many levels. Like you I never want to reach out for help. I like to think I can do this on my own. You are doing a Great!! This is day 32 for me. It Maybe my 30th day 32 ,who knows… It does feel different this time, I think it’s because I am not doing it “alone” I ask God on a daily basis to help me through the day and I thank him nightly for it. We are never alone. He is always with us and will help us fight our demons. All we have to do is ask. Keep doing whatever is working.

[Berta24449787]

Went to a family function yesterday and was on my a game. I was showered, dressed and awake. That was not the case for a few of the last ones,as I would gamble the night before and that morning so I would be hung over, disheveled and resentful that I had to be there. I spoke to people that I had been seeing for years but never engaged in conversation. I baked and made some yummy goodies to bring. I was on time. I was GF. I have not been this way for a long time and am loving the new me. Here is to everyone finding the old you. Being on your game. No brain fog. There is life after all this crap. Just clear the cobwebs and walk into the light. The fact that I will be able to look at the month of September on my bank statement and not see more going out than coming in will be an added bonus.

[Rdy4Chng]

Love that.. “here is to everyone finding the old you”.. I am for sure feeling that right now. Trying to even remember who I was before all I did was gamble is difficult. Being g free is helping me find the things I love again and now I have more time to do them becuse I am not holed up in a casino for hours on end. 

This post was inspiring to me. Thanks and keep going!

[jen3]

You got this Berta! I get so much from your posts. Keep fighting the good fight.

[Berta24449787]

I almost slipped. If it wasnt for gamban and a useless iPad I would have. Days off for me are the hardest. I start well enough, full of ambition for the coming day, and then relax with my coffee on the couch wanting to play a few games….I then get the brain fog. It’s all I can think about and I don’t move. I try and try and try. I tried and found away around gamban on my iPad, but it is an older model and it wont open up a lot of the casino games. I cant play on a lot of sites because I am already self excluded and I have no credit cards to use either so depositing is not easy. I have so many hurdles in my way that I can never finish this race, but I still get the urge and then the fog, where I am useless for the rest of the day. I have found that watching other videos does help and watch ” frugal living videos ” motivates me to self help and try to better myfinancial situation. If you have fallen in the past, get back up and walk. “There but for the grace of God go I”. I almost fell yesterday but something prevented me. Its things that I put in place and I am taking credit for that, but now I know that the cravings and “the fog” are ever present and I must do something to stop the cycle. If I turn the t.v. . on with my coffee, will that work? Will it distract me enough? Time to put another hurdle in place because I know that I am not strong enough yet.

[Berta24449787]

Making it through another day, tired, weary from work and wanting to escape. I would usually let my mind wander to my fave slot bonus and then anticipate the time I will have when I get home. No kids tonight so it would have been all slots, no dinner. Now I have to think about what I am going to do when I leave here. I may not go directly home. Or maybe I will plan a nice dinner for myself. The jokes that are left in my life now need to be filled, and the release that I used to get from gambling needs to be replaced with something more constructive. This is the real fight. It’s not when you have no time or opportunity. It’s when you do. I will get through it. I have to.

[Berta24449787]

I looked at my daytimer to see how many days it has been for me this morning and was surprised to see it is day 21. In the past counting the days has not been successful as a motivator for me, so I am just keeping busy and not gambling. I am glad to see myself make it to this point, and definately am feeling clearer headed and better in spirit. I have the next 8 days off and am concerned about how this might end up. Free time is my enemy and will have to focus much harder to keep this ball rolling

[Taz32]

Great going Berta, keep fighting and be strong. By not gambling you are the winner.
All the best in your recovery.

[i-did-it]

Hi Berta
Congratulations on turning 21.

Not easy to do but you are working hard at recovery and you are aware .
Treat yourself – you deserve it !

[Berta24449787]

Sorry that I have not been here, but I have been on holidays with limited access to internet. I had a nice relaxing time away from the stress and the demands (although they did ask me to come into work to help out with a situation when I was out if town). I must admit that I did “fall”, as I was at a casino for my birthday. Ir was different this time. I dont really consider it falling, although I did gamble, because now it is different for me. I am now much more aware of what I am doing, and not gambling for 3 weeks before this ( although I think it was 25 days to be exact), has shaken the glaze from my eyes while I am there. I was mirr aware of my surroundings, went in and our within a good time period, and didnt have the same desire to keep going like I did before. It has been 7 days since I have been there and the desire to gamble is getti g less and less and I find myself free from constant thought of doing so. I hope this is a good indicator of things to come and wish everyone well. The season is changing here, but still stalled in summer weather now and then. It’s the same for me. I am changing. I may stall for a bit but the change is coming, and I can feel it and am planning for the new season in my life.

[Berta24449787]

I’ve been responding to other CGS and realized that I am on day 36 with no gambling online. I did go to a casino as a treat by others for my birthday because well that was what we always do. I didnt want to say no, but didnt play as hard or stay as long, as I really dont enjoy the actual casino all that much. My problem is online, and being 36 days without feels good. I was home yesterday and didnt even think about it at all. I use my computer to watch documentaries now. I’m keeping up with what’s going on in the world instead of watching reels spin round. I hope that all is well with everyone and that today is a gf day for all.

[Berta24449787]

I’m waking to day 41. Cant believe that I have gotten to the 40s. Remember the times when double digits was a big deal. If you are an online slot junky i cant stress the importance of getting gamban or gamblock on your devices. Makes the prospect of success so much easier in the first weeks. The time after that is easier still, because your brain adapts to not being able to do it at home. PLEASE GET GAMBAN ON YOUR DEVICES IF YOU GAMBLE ONLINE.

[Berta24449787]

Excuse me for shouting but i was so happy to hear that you are still on and monitoring the site. How are you doing? I check every day to see if you have posted. I read new posts and threads every day on my lunch, not out of fear that i may gamble, but to connect with others in the same struggle. My feelings towards myself have changed and the path I am on seems smoother; less complicated. The longer the distance i put between me and the last time i gambled, the more i see the waste of time and money that gambling is. I am still strugging with motivation when i am home, as i still lean towards playing on the computer like when i was gambling, but like you said, its a no brainer when you are locked out of everything so that even if tempted, the opportunity isnt there. I, too, have been spreading the gospel of gamban, and hope that others will heed the advice, as it is incredibly sound. Another things has changed as well. Now, when i am face to face and nose to nose with others, i don’t feel so different. I used to feel like i had a big secret, that i was different and no one knew exactly why. I feel better. Tell us what we need to do to get you back. Give us your hurdle and let us brainstorm to get it out of your path. We may not have all of the answers, but we are willing to try to get you back on track, with us.

[Berta24449787]

I’ve been reading threads about people and their journeys to discovering why they are Cgs. Is it relationships gone awry or feelings of loss, isolation, dysfunction? I am in the 40 day range of gf and am getting better each day but am starting to wonder what was the reason why I started? I accepted that I have an addictive personality disorder and that i am compulsive, but I am unsure as to why I chose gambling and not any other activity as in the past. I’ve been an addict to fitness, cleaning, motherhood, home improvements, work and many, many other things in the past. Why this? I started when I was going through a dysfunctional relationship with my job, and a new type of understanding was required as to my role and its role in my life. That changed many years ago and then my relationship with my ex was in flux, which also ended many years ago. Why was I still gambling? It is something that I may be required to look into, even though I am gf now, so that it doesn’t happen again.

[Berta24449787]

Hey guys. Not posting as often but still checking in and posting when I can. I’m not relapsing and that’s not why I’m not on as much anymore, it’s just that after a while, it slips from your mind that you are not gambling anymore as other daily things become more important and the urges diminish significantly . All I can say to those who are still struggling daily is to gamban devices asap, self exclude where possible and hang in there. It gets easier with time, but like all things worth waiting for, patience and perseverance pay off. I know that everyone out there can do this if they just get over the first few weeks, and don’t let a relapse stop your progress. It’s like cheating on a diet- one slip doesn’t wreck the whole process. It’s about changing your life and the way you will live in the future. Please just hang in there.

[Berta24449787]

Its now been 62 days and I am wondering if the urges will keep getting easier with time. It comes and goes and consider myself very fortunate that I live so far from any casinos that it is not even a serious consideration for me to go. My weakness is and always will be the solitude of online gambling and as long as I have gamban in place, I should do alright. I try, every now and then, to see if I can get past the blocks I’ve put in place, but it still holds the tsunami back, so I am still alive (figuratively and literally speaking ). I hope that anyone who has not put blocks in place does so asap. It can be the difference between drowning and treading water for the first time in a long time.

[vera]

Sixty G -free days means you are either preventing or overcoming the urges, Berta. (By the way, I prefer to call them “itches” or “desires” because an urge is really something that has to be relieved –take a full bladder or the urge to push, in labour, for example!!) In my experience, urges only come, when they know they can be satisfied. No money=less desire to gamble. I don’t think we will forget gambling with a wave of a magic wand by I know that making gambling impossible works best. There is a saying in GA “Don’t test or tempt yourself”. Staying away from blocked sites will help. I write these words to myself as well as to you, Bertha. Stay strong. None of us will benefit from gambling,ever. Stay focused!

[Berta24449787]

It’s funny how you just want to stop thinking about not gambling after a while of abstinence. It’s like you just want to stop remembering what you did and start fresh, like a “normal” person who doesnt have the desire to throw all of their life savings out the window. The urges come and go. I guess that will always be the case for the rest of my life now, but I need to put it into perspective. WE ALL HAVE URGES TO DO ALL KINDS OF THINGS WE DONT FOLLOW THROUGH ON. There is cheating on your spouse, buying that $600 purse, running away to a tropical island, or going by oneself to an all you can eat and eating until you are sick. How about going out all night and drinking until passed out? We find ways to deny the things we know we shouldn’t do, so why cant we just adapt to this urge the same way?
I was watching a doc on obesity and they were showing the brain and how it takes more and more food to release dopamine in the brain of those who overeat daily. It showed the brain of addicts as well. Same. They went on to say that this is all temporary if you stop a behavior and that the brain will relearn the dopamine release if you start to stimulate it in other ways. Exercise is one of the best ways. I really believe that we simply need to stay long enough without our cg behavior while really trying to find other ways to stimulate our brains that will keep the wolves at bay. I was a smoker for over 15 years who gave it up when I became pregnant. It’s a hard habit to break and is largely behavioral, but I was so sick in the first months that I couldn’t smoke. I have never even thought about the habit since then, even when living with a smoker for 10 years. Once it was out if my system and the habit was irradicated in my life, I never went back. That’s what I need to do with cg. Get the brain rewired and the habit from my routine and it should be easy enough to get yo the point where it is
a bad memory and not a daily struggle. At this point though, for all concerned on this site, it’s about the blocks. What we put in place to stop us from gambling while we are in recovery- yes, recovery- is really important and I have done all that I can to make sure that my access is severely restricted. I have an online issue and now have zero access. I could go to a land based casino but that is really not my thing and dont enjoy them very much. Besides, the closest one is 2+ hours to get to and the same back. I am lucky that I don’t have an issue with actual casinos and live near one because you cant get rid of those. I’m rambling. I hope that all who are reading find strength today to deny the urge and put more blocks in place to help you win your fight. You just need time. Good luck.

[i-did-it]

Hi Berta
You are not rambling at all- but speaking absolute sense.
Our brains can rewire and old connections which are not being “exercised”will weaken , so yes the urge to gamble will continue continue to weaken. They will always be there so it is wise to her barriers but they will definitely weaken.

Meanwhile new connections are being built and if we purposely choose to build healthy activities into our lives these connections will become stronger. Your post has been very helpful in highlighting for me that I have not done this part yet – I have simply switched to a Netflix “addiction”.

I did try GA but to be honest the whole idea of constantly
reinforcing that gambling has to stay this huge part our lives was unhelpful for me – it felt like a confessional for relapses – however I do realise it is helpful for some people- but I, like you, want the brain connections gambling has built to be weakened .

I guess it doesn’t matter whAt we believe so long as we are rebuilding our lives and not gambling – and this you are doing magnificently .

Keep strong xx

[Berta24449787]

Was at the arcade yesterday with my kid playing the coin pushers when I was surprised by the lack of feelings that i had for the payout anticipation. I thought that games, any games, might invoke the need to really gamble but the thought passed through my mind as it does every day that I am off, then it left and I went shopping at walmart. I could have grabbed some time at the local since I was already half way there, but the desire to go just didnt seem worth the time it would take. Hurrah! This is what I have been waiting for. The time that the mind just isn’t weighing the pros and cons, its just not really wanting to even go out of it’s way to make an effort. I’ve stopped counting days at this point as I look at it like dieting- you c o u n t your calories in the short term to lose weight but to keep it off you have to make lifestyle changes that will keep it off for good. To be gf you can c o u n t the days for the first while, but you have to make the lifestyle changes that will change the way you feel about gambling and stop the cycles for good (or for the long term. Everyone relapses, like everyone cheats on a diet) . Maintenance is the term they use for long term care on an addiction. I am now striving for maintenance. Hope everyone is finding their inner strength today

[Berta24449787]

I blew it. I was out shopping today, ran in to some old old friends and they convinced me to go to a bingo hall. Just for kicks. I dont play bingo but they have a bar and restaurant. Guess what else they have? Slots. Just got 30 new machines. I didnt do well and am on my way home doing the lies, and the walk of shame. Back to day one tomorrow. Crap I thought I had this licked. Tightening the hold again and starting a new. No more. No more. No more.

[Berta24449787]

Got home and feel even worse than when I was on the way. I want to cry because I have that empty feeling again. All the hope that I had for having fun and staying in control slid past me once I walked by the shiny machines and I feel a fool for thinking that I should even go to a bingo hall- da, it’s still more gambling. I think because I dont prefer that kind of betting that i will be immune, and if I had thought it through, really carefully, I would have thought about the possibility that there would be other forms on site. Did I really hope to go to a gambling establishment and eat lunch? Have a drink? I guess one if the issues with not telling anyone is that they dont know not to ask me to go. The upside is I left before they did, so I guess I seem in control (ran out of funds is the real truth) and they didnt really seem to notice me playing much anyways as the bingo hall is separate. Live and learn. And I mean learn the hard way. I will feel gross and horrible for days. I wish it lasted longer, maybe months, so I could remember why I chose not to do this anymore. Please remind me when I get too cocky again.

[vera]

It’s very hard to face the immediate consequences of gambling, Berta. That feeling that we have allowed ourselves to be sucked in (again) , is , for me the lowest form of  regret. The only consolation is that we can have another chance. No words can describe the emptiness. I have cried many internal tears due to the self inflicted pain of gambling. In GA there is a saying “Don’t tempt or test yourself”. It’s easy to remember that in retrospect. For now , we must suffer the loss and that awful sense of futility that gambling brings.

You are not alone, Berta.

[Gbabyh]

I thought, wow this person is doing great and talking a lot of sense. Especially the part about dopamine release and rewiring the brain I agree with a lot. I didn’t agree with you about GA and the confessional relapse thing you mentioned. I go to GA meetings regularly and get a ton out of it, so I’m biased in that regard. But I did notice, as you mention yourself, that you got a bit too cocky about your recovery, which isn’t unusual for us addicts, and it made me worry for your future gf. And unfortunately, I was too late to comment on this matter. I know you feel like shit right now, but don’t discard the progress, the experience, and the lessons from your gf days and this relapse that you will and have learned. As you say yourself, everyone relapses every once in a while, it’s not different from cheating on your diet. One time is not going to throw away the results. So get back up and continue the fight. Continue staying busy, continue doing what’s good for you, but don’t forget your roots, where you came from. By the same train of thought, don’t forget that you are a compulsive gambler. That’s mainly why I go to GA meeting. I know from my own experience that I tend to forget my roots, whenever I don’t feel the effects from my last relapse, and let everyday life take my focus. Oh, and if you didn’t insist on keeping this from your friends or whatever, then maybe they could have stopped you or wouldn’t have invited you to a place with slots. And if they still would invite you, well then they don’t have your best interest and then they don’t qualify as friends. It’s your call, but I used to feel the same way, but 3 months ago I decided to come clean, and I have since then been getting their support at least a couple of times at times where I really needed it.
Berta, I’m sure you are gonna come back even stronger, I wish you well, and I look forward to reading about your progress once in a while.

– Chris

[Berta24449787]

I thought that I had a better control and that was probably what did me in. The insane feeling while I was amongst the machines is what scares me the most, and that longing, that urge to keep playing that overrides all time and logic was still there, although not as bad. It was still there though, and I know that my brain has not changed so much in that time I considered my recovery time, and I still am powerless once I get near to them.

The people that I ran into that brought me there were not good friends, certainly not the kind of people that I would tell that I am a cg, so while I do accept the responsibility of going, I didn’t even leave with these people at the end of the day, which shows you how close we really were. I am sad that I wasted my chance to just walk away, say no, and not play. You think that the lure would lessen after time, and it may at some point, but just not yet.

I know that a relapse is likely to happen and that I havent lost all of my progress. I look back at all that I have accomplished in the last few months as I have been trying to replace the behavior and I am proud at what I have been able to accomplish. My life seems do much more in control, and when something unexpected happens I dont feel the terror of being out of control anymore. I am a responsible mom and child again. I am a person that others can rely on again. That wont go away and I want to continue to build on it now more than ever. I had to lie . I hate that. I hate feeling sneaky. It makes the disease even more hideous and dark. I want to be transparent. This is who I am. This is who I want to be. None of that includes being a cg anymore. People may not have known exactly what was wrong, but there was something that made me unreliable, flighty and moody. Let’s just say that that person, GAMBLOR, has left the building.

RG, I am not a counter either, and had stopped because it wasnt ss important to me as replacing the behavior was. The more I got accomplished, the better i felt. It didn’t really matter how many days it was as the history, the accomplishments, became the reason for carrying on, not the number of days. I am not discouraged that I am back to day one, I am discouraged that I gave in. I will not do that because there were things that I needed to do that day that didnt get done. No success that day, only failure. I dont like that feeling either. I want to feel good about myself every day and build on it every day. That is back to day one. Hope that you can find your groove again to feel good about what you are doing with your life and find a better way to cope.

[Berta24449787]

With all of my talk about putting barriers in place and my last “oops” I decided to go to one of the local gaming centers to have myself self excluded from all places that would otherwise be the dancer zones for me at this time. I was looking at time off soon and thinking that it would be ok to maybe go once and that was it. I knew that I needed to act fast while the iron was still hot. It is embarrassing to say the least, but the lady was wonderful and very understanding and didnt ask any questions . I am now banned from every casino and gaming center in my province. This is helpful to me because I would never even think of going with my dad or friends again if I was going to be called out. I would never go and be kicked out either. Now there is no forum for me online or land based, so I am hoping that all daydreams of going at some point on a day off disappear like the hope of playing online has. It seems that, to my mind, it is easier to abstain if there is no chance. Imagine that. The desire fades with time and I hope that this will be the definitive step necessary to rid myself of the nasty habit that has the potential of ruining my life.

Anyone still struggling, do the same. Rid yourself of the opportunity and change your life.

[Badsportsbettor]

Hey Berta

Can’t come to you and tell you I am em expert because I am still fighting the hardest battle of my life.

That being said we are all behind you. And reading your posts you know what you need to do. You feel the same things I do when I slip. Sick and reminded of how much it changes who you are. It changes how you feel and love and act in every aspect of your life. The hard truth is we can’t live the same life we once lived. We can’t put ourselves in those spots to even have the chance to slip.

Keep strong you got this!

[i-did-it]

Wow Berta,
I am so impressed – that was so brave of you to go and self-ban. It is much more difficult to do so face-to-face – this is a huge step forward in your recovery .
You are not back to day one , by the way . Day one Berta didn’t go and face the embarrassment of self banning at a local gaming centre .
You are making amazing progress – you had a slip and you are back on track.

Keep strong and keep working on those new brain connections – the old gambling ones will always be there but they will weaken with time
So proud of you
Xx

[i-did-it]

Hi Berta
I have been on these forums for a decade and occasionally something new is written which makes me think.

I love how you described the searching for miserable bargains for ourselves to wear while simultaneously doing max bets with our money as the two opposite ends of a spectrum. It is indeed crazy how gambling pushes us to live at these two opposite ends of a money spectrum.

Taking your analogy further we live at two opposite ends of an emotional spectrum also – the high of a win , the low of having lost it all.

Our relationship spectrum – the fantasy of what we will do for and with others with the big win versus the reality of withdrawing from people to hide from the reality of what we have done.

I guess when we think about it in terms of a spectrum, gambling addiction never allows us to just sit in the middle – just to have peace and ordinariness in our lives.

I love posts which make me think and yours on my thread certainly has – this morning I am going to relish the little things I can do well when I sit in the middle of the spectrum like cleaning my kitchen, because when I am looking after these little things I know I am really in recovery!

Thank you Berta xx

[Berta24449787]

Hi RG;

  Thanks for letting us know what’s going on. You had me worried. I understand that sometimes this monkey on our backs can become too much to bear, and I was concerned  that you took a turn for the worse. I hope you find that strength again. It is always with us to beat this if we focus on what it is that drives us to self destruct, over and over again. 

   I know that your advice on the gamban had worked wonders for me letting go of the online issues that I faced, and although I don’t frequent land based casinos as a habit, I found myself thinking about going back to that hall again and decided that I had to remove the opportunity, especially when I knew that I had some down time coming and it would be very tempting. I dont want to be humiliated and I dont want to be seen as being weak  so I will never show my face in any of them again. I hope. I know its easy to say never, and it is what I plan on doing, so here’s hoping  that the plan works. I wish you all the best and hope you keep on touch.

  Berta 

[Berta24449787]

I have often found that my impulsive nature leads me to be living on the edge of both ends of many spectrums in many aspects of my life since I was a child. The cg part is relatively new to the pile,  and it has been the most damaging financially and emotionally thus far. I know that a lot of my impulsivity in my latter years was to compensate for a stressful job that, in the end, brought me little to no joy. I loathed what the role had made me into, and yearned for the days when there was hope of a better job, light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. I have none of that anymore. I know that after 35 years at the same company, 25 years at the same job, this was it. That’s been my identity for many years and it was something I lived for a long time, until new management came in and changed the culture of our workplace. Our moral has never been lower. Gambling was my way of trying to find joy and excitement again. 

   I have to find peace and comfort, like you, in doing things right and well in my own life now. A clean kitchen is worth a smidge of pride in a job well done. Introspection is a good thing to be having. I remember when my daughter was born. My first child and I didnt know what to do to keep myself busy. I was so used to running the show at work that this was unusually relaxed for me and I dove down to the end of the spectrum that I knew. I ran the house like a military camp. No dirt, dust or a thing out of place. I’m goin yo yry to get a little more of that back. There can be happiness in organization and order. It can be soothing to the mind and relax the soul do clean away. Do what makes you feel good. You need to find a replacement and your search will lead you to what makes the need to gamble go away. I like bargain shopping because it focuses my attention on many things at once and gives a sense of accomplishment in the end. There is no right or wrong when  it comes to coping ( unless if is another self destructive behavior then it is wrong) and do if it is cleaning that floats your boat, go to it. There is nothing mundane or ordinary in the life of a cg. It’s all coping and struggle so feel good about where you are

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