[Fritz]

So great to hear that you have rewarded yourself! You most definitely deserve it, and I hope you take a little time to really savor it!

Your experience reminds me of how strange and distorted my relationship with money became when I gambled. On the one hand, I saw my wife clipping coupons and thought, what’s the point? I lose $500 at the casino and my wife works to save 50 cents on paper towels? Hard to wrap my mind around that. Made me feel really guilty, which is exactly how I should feel after that. On the other hand, I need a new shirt or some new socks and think, oh, I can wait another month or two on that. Too guilty to spend on myself for something that I could really use. Why? Gambled it away. The whole idea of money gets very confusing when you are gambling.

Another glaring example that gambling is completely insane! We have these false thoughts that somehow gambling will help us to feel better? Give us pleasure? It’s all a sham and a lie. That’s the addiction talking! In reality, gambling hurts us and makes us feel bad! The struggle is to realize these things when the urge strikes. That’s why there is no shame in putting every block possible in place and letting others help with the money side while I am trying to get some clean time under my belt and start getting better emotionally and mentally. I am so glad I have that support around me to help. I hope you have that or can get that too!

Cheers and have a great weekend!

[Fritz]

No March Madness for me, whether it be college basketball or at a casino! No Way!

In addition, I pledge to not participate in fantasy sports contests or pools of any kind. Fantasy football was one of my “hold outs”. In earlier attempts to quit gambling I decided for myself that a little fantasy football, or March Madness, or other pools, didn’t really count as gambling. So I continued them while abstaining from casinos. I now realize that for me, the games and pools are all just another form of gambling that I didn’t want to let go of. As I have continued in my recovery quest, I now know that all of these games elicit the same competitive, compulsive behaviours as blackjack, roulette, poker, or slots.

I immersed myself in fantasy football to the extent that I was thinking about it nearly all the time, and took it very seriously both during the week and on the weekends when the games took place. I was on the edge of my seat and had tremendous highs and lows all the way from the first Thursday night game to the final Monday night game of the week. It took a while, but I finally realized that I found a new and still unhealthy “hobby” to replace the casinos that i could no longer frequent. I now know that it was just another way to hang on to my gambling addiction. I have a pretty thick head so it has taken me a long time to admit this and root out and let go of the remainder of my gambling addictions, one by one.

Thank you for the reminder! Here’s to March Sanity!

[Fritz]

For three days this week and three more days next week I am at a training class in a city about 60 miles from my home. I have to drive past two casinos on the way there and the way back each day of the training. I’ve been checking my feelings as I drive past them to see if there is any urge or desire to stop for a quick gambling session on the way home. So far nothing of the sort, just driving right on past thinking how glad I feel not to be there losing more money. Maybe because my last relapse is still only 2+ weeks past and is still very fresh in my head. I still feel the sting of being out of control and the next day feeling distraught, hung over, not even knowing exactly how much I had lost. So humbling to come crashing down so hard so fast. I tend to have the most trouble when the bad experience has had a chance to fade out of my immediate memory for a while.

Anyway, just glad to be gambling free another day, and glad I’m not feeling the temptations at all. But I am now trying to be more aware of when the danger may strike again so that I can be ready and preempt the attack by double reinforcing my defenses and safeguards. I am more determined than ever to never gamble again.

Cheers fellow non-gamblers and soon to be non-gamblers!

[Fritz]

2 weeks tomorrow! Still no gambling, alcohol or marijuana either. Unfortunately still not much sleep, and occasional terrible nightmares. It seems as though the sleep disruption and nightmares are quite common side effects when quitting MJ. I have also had gambling dreams/nightmares at times, which can also be frightening.

I am really looking forward to how my sleep will improve with more clean time in. How “normal” people sleep. I guess it’s not guaranteed that my sleep will improve, but it certainly can’t get worse.

I am already noticing some reductions in feeling anxious and panicky. I believe that I have felt, for many years, that subconsciously that I needed to maintain these addictive behaviors to function at my best in social situations, and that I couldn’t handle those situations without them. That I didn’t “measure up” with others, and was afraid of failure. I am now realizing that the addictions make the social situations even harder to deal with, especially the MJ. In addition, these addictions just make me doubt myself and my own abilities much more. Which made me something that my friends, and especially my kids, didn’t really care for. That made me want to use more, and on and on. Funny how addictions can play with your head like that. Conversely, not using is making me feel more confident in myself, that I’m going to be just fine and in fact much better without my “old friends”.

So it’s feeling great to clear my head, get back to the real me. The more I think about it, there is a lot of truth in “the easy way” by Allen Carr. The addictions are playing me like a fiddle, making me believe that they will cure the exact ills that they create. Now that the fog is clearing a little, I can start to see that.

[Fritz]

My dog’s name is Fritz, so we share that in common :o)

It sounds like you help loads of people in the work you do. I admire care givers very much, because they really go through massive amounts of stress and all to help others.

For that alone (and many other reasons that I don’t know about, I am sure) you are a beautiful person. I know we are always the hardest on ourselves, but one part of this recovery thing is to stop kicking ourselves when we are down. Take care.

[Fritz]

Thanks Geordie, just trying to speak honestly and from the heart. Let’s keep up the good work and see where it takes us. 🙂

[Fritz]

I can relate to your comment about feeling like a 5 year old when asking my wife to control all of my finances. It was a pride thing with me. I took a lot of pride in managing finances for my family for most of my adult life. It also proved to me how not in control I really was. For a long time I couldn’t bring myself to understand that I needed to turn it all over to my wife, and that it was the only way I was going to get through the first few months, maybe first few years. So I kept control, and I relapsed. And relapsed again, and again….. Then I finally realized how powerful CG is. I did turn it all over to her (finally), after being stubborn for a long time. Being stubborn lost me a lot of $$, and a lot of peace, sleep, happiness.

After I took that step, I felt a lot better. It showed my wife that I needed her help. It gave me the confidence to go about my business knowing that a detour to the casino was not possible, so I was able to put it out of my mind.

After a few months, I got my credit cards back. It was fine for a few more months, then unfortunately it wasn’t fine, and I relapsed. A huge slice of humble pie for me. No more credit cards for me, again. Not sure if I will be able to have them again, but I can’t mope or worry about that. It’s just too big of a risk, and my wife is more than happy to manage finances and give me the credit card if I truly need it for a specific purpose, then it goes right back to her.

I used to think it was a personal problem and I had to fix it by myself. Now I realize that I need help from others, and I gladly accept it. I realize now that I am not like I was before I gambled and I will never be. It took a long time to realize that, but now that I do, life is better. Relying on my partner shows her that I love her, and that I trust her, and that I appreciate her help. It has actually strengthened our relationship a lot.

For these reasons, I believe that for CG’s it is 100% essential and mandatory to fill your partner in on the “dirty little secret” and figure out a plan with her/him, and work the plan together in order to have the greatest chance of success.

[Fritz]

Great job on making it 7 days! The days get easier as you have more time gambling free. Stay courageous. Stay strong. Remember, you will never, ever feel better if you gamble. You may feel worthless but you are not, you are worthy! Keep trying things to keep you occupied, get some therapy if you can, or visit your local church for some guidance and prayer if that is something that would help. Join a chat room, read a book. All the best, and know that other compulsive gamblers are here for you and understand what you are going through.

[Fritz]

I can tell by your post that you are very disappointed that you had to reset your “days not gambled” counter. It is a bummer no question about it. I have had periods of up to 13 months, and then I let myself get complacent. An urge would strike out of nowhere, after going such a long time with no urges at all. The “what could it hurt?” self talk, and all the rest of the BS that my gambling brain uses. I even dare myself sometimes. My gambling brain uses all kinds of manipulation to get me back to the table.

All I can say is bravo for coming back, trying again, keeping at it. Try and call someone if you get that feeling again, let them talk you out of it. I feel your pain, brother. Take care and don’t beat yourself up.

[Fritz]

A couple of quick notes while I am thinking about them. First off, riding the bus home from work yesterday, thinking how great I felt after an honest days work and a feeling of accomplishments, I suddenly felt a slight pang of fear. What happens when true hardship or loss comes? Will I be OK? I am fortunately in a time of life with relatively smooth sailing. In these times it is much easier to choose not to gamble. Fear of what might be suddenly struck.

Then I remembered how important to push such thoughts out of my head immediately. So hard for me sometimes to be present in the present, without future fears or past regrets barging in to demand thought and energy. Which reminded me to just be grateful for today. I guess that’s why the serenity prayer is so important for recovery.

Also, I read a piece from Russell Brand that was so insightful regarding his own recovery. He was recalling the moments after he had learned of his friend Amy Winehouse passing away. He immediately mapped out a way to score some smack and began driving. This is after 10 years of recovery up until that point. He ended up making a phone call, and he half wished his friend wouldn’t pick up so he could conveniently use. It was 4:00 AM at his friends location half a world away. Fortunately his friend picked up, and helped him through the rough patch. He didn’t use that day. Russell’s honesty in his writing and videos is extraordinary, and for a star of his stature it is rare I think to be so publicly open about addiction. He has progressed toward helping others through his own experience, which reinforces his commitment to recovery i think. I hope to do that as well some day.

[Fritz]

Thanks for the reply Jansdad. Funny you mention your wife is a positive person. My wife is also. I have always admired the way she is able to turn any bad situation into a manageable situation. I guess opposites attract 🙂

[Fritz]

I am glad to say I have made it 10 days since my last relapse. I also am very happy that I am now starting to feel less anxious and more clear headed. I had one of the best work weeks I’ve had in the last two years. I accomplished all of my goals, and my boss was very happy with my work.

Giving up so many things all at once is something I thought I could never do. So far I have done it. I feel more relaxed and able to take things as they come, rather than feeling the urge to drink, smoke weed or gamble. I am starting to learn that these vices that I used to ease the pain were very ironically causing a lot of pain, to me and my loved ones. Now that I realize that, it is becoming much easier to leave them behind.

I used to have a very consistent pattern, when coming home from work, light the bong, inhale the smoke, and feel the false sense of relaxation hit me. The aaahhhh moment. Open a beer, and feel another sense of false relaxation. Repeat several times until bed time, at which time my brain was so muddled I usually didn’t get much productive sleep.

On the gambling front, for me it is all about escapism. Since my wife and two teenagers know (all too well) that I am a gambling addict, it is a waiting game until everyone is away doing other things, then off to the casino I would run. Timing was critical to avoid getting caught. A lot of pressure to avoid having to lie, if I could just do my gambling and get home before anyone could question me on it.

In the past, I would just tell my wife I was going out for a drink, which of course was a half truth because yes I was drinking all right, however I conveniently forgot to tell her I was drinking with a blackjack hand and some chips in front of me.

I remember vividly one night when we had a family argument, and I headed out the door to go gamble. My wife and kids physically attempted to restrain me, and begged me to stay. I left anyway, with them crying and hoping I could find it in me to stay. What a graphic reminder of how easy it is for a compulsive gambler like myself to callously disregard the three people I love the most in this world. What a shit I feel like for doing such a despicable thing. It is good for me to recall those awful, embarrassing moments of my gambling addiction. Then of course later I would feel huge guilt and remorse, and complete confusion over what a monster I had become. I thought of myself as an honest, loving husband and father, but in the death grip of CG, I was neither.

Anyway, off to bed and soon to start day 11, feeling calmer, and feeling very grateful that I am on the road to recovery! Today I choose not to gamble.

[Fritz]

It is very hard to admit you have a problem, so good on you for doing that! A great first step!

Be sure to get help and support, and put barriers in place to prevent an easy relapse. Get some help managing your money, get your blocks in place, and talk with someone about it. Write a lot about your experience, whether here or in your personal journal. Get it all out, by speaking and by writing. Re-read your journal often, and reflect what is going on in your mind. Try to find a GA meeting if you can.

The minutes, hours and days may feel like they are moving along much too slowly as you start your recovery. That is natural. Just keep telling yourself that gambling addiction always gets worse, never better. Of all the things you can do with your time, gambling is the one thing that is guaranteed to make you feel worse. Leave it behind, and your life is guaranteed to get better!

It is hardest at first, the urges come on strongly, and when there is a bad taste in your mouth from losing, something in your brain will tell you that you can get it back if you just give it one more try. That is the addiction speaking lies to you. Don’t listen.

When you wake up each day, look in the mirror and say “I choose not to gamble today!” And you are right on by saying you are worth more than this! I’m pulling for you!

[Fritz]

I am a fan of Mr. Money Mustache. If you have never heard of him, he is a blogger that blogs about financial independence and early retirement and a bunch of other cool stuff. I know, I know, gambling therapy.org is a site dedicated to helping compulsive gamblers, not early retirement. In fact, compulsive gamblers for the most part would laugh and scoff at me for even mentioning the word “retirement”. Mountains of debt, are you kidding me? Retirement? Never happen in my lifetime! Get real they would say.

This may seem off topic, but I don’t think it’s off topic at all. Here’s why.

Compulsive gambling often is rooted in unhappiness, fear, and wanting to hide from problems. It generates intensely negative feelings. It generates hopelessness. It makes me feel like a complete failure. It traps me in a death spiral. It generates pessimism about me and my future. It forces me to think about horrible things I have done in my past. Negative to the max!

Training myself in optimism is one way to break the negative spell that gambling has cast on me. But how do I become optimistic? I am not an optimistic person! I need to work at it! As an example, if I catch myself feeling sorry for myself, I need to mentally pause, and reverse that thought. The more I am able to do this, the happier I will become. The happier I am, the better my life will seem, and the chances of me relapsing decrease. Sometimes it feels a little artificial, but that’s because I am not used to it. I have negative self talk all the time. I beat myself up, tell myself I can’t do it, etc.

Optimism is very hard to create when I am struggling with my gambling addiction. I need more of it, I know that for sure. It’s hard to set goals and begin doing the things to reach them if I am down, depressed and pessimistic. I get into ruts, and I can’t get out. And I think that human nature tends to lean towards pessimism rather than optimism. Therefore, I really need to practice and intentionally create optimism in my own life in order to become happier, it doesn’t just happen on its own.

If you have the inclination or curiosity, search up outrageous optimism and Mr. Money Mustache, and you will see a blog post that discusses the benefits of outrageous optimism, and offers some advice on how to implement it in your life. (and no I am not paid by him or affiliated with him in any way, I don’t even know him) I just happen to believe that what he says has a lot of merit and would help me if I used it more.

He has another blog post on Stoicism that is great. Teaches us how much more we have that we think we do, and how that can change how we view the world.

Anyway, I just finished up day 9, and I am also on day 9 of no alcohol and no marijuana. This is a tough time for me due to lack of sleep. I know that if I can make it through today, I have a shot at another day, and as each day passes, my sleep should start to improve. I am grateful. I have so much even though I have lost so much. What is past is beyond my control, so I’m not going to worry about it now. I am going to try to build optimism into my daily thinking! Cheers everyone and stay gambling free for another day!

[Fritz]

I have huge past regrets too. I daydream about the wonderful place I would be in life if I hadn’t gambled. But I try to remind myself that I cannot know how life would have been. I may have had other bad experiences, I may have been hit by a bus and dead already! Who knows? Who cares? It is a complete waste to speculate and ruminate on what might have been. When these thoughts come, I try to gently remind myself to instead think of all the good thing s I can appreciate in my current life, however small, and be thankful for them in a humble way. I also try to refocus on goals for the future, and small steps I can take toward achievement of those goals. I have learned that I can be a bit happier if I take these steps.

Gambling is evil to me. It drags me into a painful past. But only if I decide to let it. I am determined to leave it behind, and take control of my present instead.

I know how you feel, been there many times. Don’t give up, and remember that by working on yourself each day there is a brighter future for you. Be patient, and believe that the pain will subside as time passes.

[Author]

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