[zedhead1]

Sorry not been on here, Hope everyone is doing well. I know I.m doing well still GF and proud of it Works been keeping me occupied and getting back into my fishing has been really good and I.m feeling the passion for angling like I used to . So i.ve not had alot of time to think negatively or dwell . also my counselling is also helping to change my mindset and be more positive . Also most importantly my partner is helping by supporting and beginning to show signs of trusting me again I really feel good and all is positive and may it continue ,so onwards and upwards .

[zedhead1]

day 25 GF

well I.ve been keeping myself busy and I.m still getting stronger with staying GF .
got my holiday book so I ve got a good focus outside work also started to get my me time back and started to get back into my fishing .
even my partner is now more supportive counciling is going well too
I feel good I.m alot more confident in myself and life is good .

[zedhead1]

Day 12 GF wow so impressed with myself 

 I.m feeling so much better about myself plus my mind is clear and my resolve to succeed only seems to get stronger . THis last week had another meeting think I made progress and put little personal goals to achieve. even booked a week end away with my partner . I.ve started to put stuff in place for me only ,concerning my hobby so all is looking good .

[zedhead1]

day 10 Gf 

thanks I will stay true to myself 

[zedhead1]

day 9 GF 

thanks I did it 

yes i am being selfish ,I can.t be any other way this time  and no one will put me down,belittle me ,criticize me .

so anyone that tries to I will drop them off in the layby of life and carry on down the road to success 

and  my new motto is

” my future rewards outweigh my past mistakes “

[zedhead1]

day 8 GF

Great day! back at work totally focused on my team nothing else
loved it .

[zedhead1]

well day7 (one week ) GF a small milestone I know but I.m very pleased with myself

anyway been out today doing a bit of SELF retail therapy (felt good )

got van tidied and organised ready for work tomorrow ( will be nice to have something to focus on again )

[zedhead1]

Theres so much great advice and support been given to me by you guys I cant say thank you all enough and I am taking it on board 

i am very resolute in making my recovery mine and no one elses and i know the pitfalls in the past which have drawn be back to the dark side

so with all that in mind using my past experiences good and bad will help me to navigate my way through to a successful outcome.

however that said the one thing that i have definitely needed was support from freinds and family but sadly that was one thing I destroyed in the past .

so every aspect of my life since I.ve done stuff on my own and never asked for help from others but all ways helped without hesitation.

I.m fully aware that not having friends and family support network has been one trigger when I.ve been lonely I also know when gambling in the past this has been an advantage as I never got bothered by anyone to go about my addiction .

so although i.m having difficulty with my partner and her family understanding and supporting me t the moment I am working on it and with patience from me and time I.m hoping they will see the changes and start trusting ,understanding and supporting me which i know i need so much

but the flip side I need to get strong for myself first  so I can have the confidence to stand up for myself and not keep doing what others want

I know this caused me to become frustrated and I would feel low cause I couldn’t  say no to others .

so I know I.ve got much work on my own personal well being (innerstrength , self confindence ). so I can feel good about myself and strong and be heard to be able to truly beat this .

[zedhead1]

day 6 GF
RIght this morning woke up feeling good ,positive and full of energy wanting to do something instead of sitting in house .
so put it to my partner let’s do something today like make a memory just go out do something .
you would think being in a dark place and making excuses to not do thing cause you are all consumed with gambling and negative thoughts that actually wanting to do something positive would be easy ? not so she didn.t want to do anything and I didn.t want to do things on my own .
so here I sit now doing nothing feeling deflated .
i suppose as i get better I.ll find it easier to do the old hobbies and DIY and gardening again .

[zedhead1]

thanks that a really good idea 

[zedhead1]

hi thanks for your reply 

when I spoke to my partner she was very upset which is understandable her son was there to comfort her she also an open person with her children being very close so she told them all again I get it.

as I said I don.t blame them I can only try and repair what I.ve done 

however myself will  remember how people are with me now or don.t offer  me support  and i.ll move onwards and upwards and maybe when i.m stronger these memories will probably help me to stop pleasing or helping other  but as I said I trying not to get a pretty sort of attitude just a positive mindset. 

I know it’s out in the open but everyone will have there own views on how bad it is especially if they are a close family network 

how ever I.ve always helped with no hesitation and people forget the kind and good person you are and only see the hurt you bring and how bad you must be to do what you did 

[zedhead1]

thank you 

[zedhead1]

well day 5 doesn’t. sound alot but every day GF is a achievement ,but one day at a time
Anyway done my first councillor meeting yesterday it went well I was honest and felt emotional for what I.de done but we did start constructive rebuilding so all was good (small steps)
well today I feel low (its bound to happen from time to time ) but I.m prepared for them .
anyhow I tried to talk to my partner about understanding my illness and supporting me through listening so we can rebuild the trust that I.ve taken from her and her family .
after trying to explain what I wanted its was quite apparent her thinking its not going to be sympathetic to my illness .so in true style my mind thinks ok just go along with her way but deal with this on my own and try not to explain my illness she doesn’t, really want to hear .
but with comment like ” you are weak ” or I am supporting you I.m letting you live in my house ”
I did feel belittled and it doesn’t do my self confidence alot of good (that’s ok I.m fine with it as I.ve been hear before with my own family some time ago )
and I managed my life by just going along with them even if they didn.t want to know .
just got to remember if they need help with anything I.ll help and not be petty because to be honest they are hurting
but you never know its early she might soften to my condition who knows .
i.m going to just take it one day at a time on my own if needs be.
also tried speaking to her youngest son he just blanked me but again I expected nothing different to be honest .
so here I am sitting alone at home feeling low and remorseful but no urge to go and gamble but just flat and no motivation to do nothing but sit quietly by myself and reflect ,although I.ll be glad to get back to work monday ,so got something to look forward too .
on a positive note I.m moving forward I know I.m going in the right direction onwards and upwards .

[zedhead1]

thank you for allowing me to tell my story and  my  positive journey ahead 

[zedhead1]

thanks for your support 

I.m speaking to my councillor in a couple of hours 

I.ll know more then but I do know that what i.ve done already isn’t.t enough my partner is taking control of finances and hopefully she has the strength to give the support i need

I,m concerned about the emotional damage that I.ve caused to her and family and the shame guilt and failure I.ve now feel my self esteem is low  and with the right support and strategies and tools I know I.ll be ok but it will be a tough long road and I want to be back  stronger and in control 

I can see that all the positive things I want , need and achieve out way the negatives I have caused .

I.m going to get through this what ever it takes 

 support and knowing I m not alone is very important 

thank you 

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