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I hear ya Chalsteve!
Dealing with a compulsive gambler in your home is the most frustrating, infuriating, exhausting and depressing thing going.
You sound like you are hitting your proverbial “rock bottom”. It’s so nice to hit that point where we finally are tired of worrying about them and start worrying about ourselves.
Try to remember this isn’t personal. He is an addict and when in action really can’t put much thought or concern to anything but getting his next fix.
It’s never too late… there is always hope. One day it may be you and your son sharing a beer in the pub.
Keep the faith!
Cathyx
I too am the mom of a compulsive gambler. My son is 28 and this started 10 years ago.
I wish I could give you some great words of advice that would make this all go away… unfortunately such words do not exist. As you have said “it has to come from him”. Sometimes, however, when we get support and help for ourselves and refuse to be a part of the chaos that the gambling creates things start to move in a positive direction. We start to feel that we have some control over our own lives.
Keep writing/venting on the forum, read as much as you can on addiction and face to face support with Gam Anon will all help you find better ways to cope.
As Velvet says your son can learn to manage this addiction and live a decent life. .. it just has to be his decision that he has had enough.
Cathyx
I too am the mom of a compulsive gambler. It is so hard to give advice to somebody at the beginning of this “journey”. You are right when you say you are afraid it is just the tip of the iceberg. My experience has shown this is not a simple, clear cut issue whereby you do x,y & z and you are good to go.
My best suggestion would be to garner all the support you can for yourself… this forum, the chat, GamAnon and reading up on gambling addiction. Forewarned is forearmed and nothing can ever replace face to face support. He is your son and unfortunately some of your first instincts can end up being the most counter productive to his recovery. Support can help give you a proper perspective.
I have been dealing with this for a long time and I am still alive and kicking. I have found ways to compartmentalise my sadness, anger and fear and truly enjoy my life and family the majority of the time. It does take work and a commitment to yourself.
Here is my favourite quote that has helped me through this
“When we are no longer able to change a situation – we are challenged to change ourselves”
Please take care and keep writing!
Cathyx
I’m so sorry IDI. You did the next right thing and text someone from your group. I know it probably doesn’t feel like it right now but it is a victory.
This too shall pass.
Cathy
Sorry for all you are dealing with Logic. Relationships are hard enough without throwing addiction into the mix.
My 28 year old son has been a compulsive gambler for 10 years. The one thing that I can tell you is that it is ALL consuming and even small periods of abstinence do not bring back the non addict. Recovery from addiction takes a lot of work and a long time working some sort of program. It does not just go away on it’s own. Your BF hasn’t even hit the point of admitting he is an addict which is why your relationship has always been a roller coaster… that is all he is currently able to give. It does not help that it seems he is surrounded by loved ones that continue to give him a place to live and keep him from hitting the hard ground of rock bottom. I know it is cliche but I really don’t think most addicts can move forward until they have hit this uncomfortable place.
You are obviously a young girl and I am so impressed how you have put yourself … moving for a better job. You go girl!!
We all on this side of the forum struggle with the stark reality that nothing we do or say will ever change the CG. It has nothing to do with us… it is addiction:(
Cathyx
Sorry you find yourself here but happy you are looking for support… this is hard to do without support.
I agree with others suggestions… try find a GamAnon. As different as everybody’s situation is there are so many commonalities that you will find a great deal of comfort & support … you are not the only one dealing with this.
Your husband is in denial. Gambling addiction is incredibly strong and very progressive. Unfortunately for your husband he will never be able to just bet $20. For him any amount gambled IS in fact ‘that bad’ as it just feeds the addiction.
As Vera says the best we can do is make a gamblers life very uncomfortable. It has to hurt to motivate them to change. Consequences have to be felt.
An active CG can have you believing black is white and up is down. Be strong in your boundaries… both emotionally and financially.
Keep writing!
Cathy
My heart breaks for you. You don’t have to feel so alone… keep talking on the forum and find a nearby Gam Anon group. This is a very difficult thing to go through without some support.
My son is 28 years old and is a compulsive gambler… has been since he was about 18. We too have had the death threats and some (half-hearted?) attempts. It is awful and can make it near impossible to function normally. It is all consuming for both you and your son.
I know it’s very difficult but trying to find a way to distance yourself from the drama and chaos while also trying to be supportive will help you both. This is why outside support is so important. Left on our own our perspective and sense of reality becomes so skewed and it is difficult to make decisions that help not hurt.
Please keep reaching out and looking after yourself. You can get through this.
Cathyx
My son is 28 y/o and has been a compulsive gambler for 10 years. I feel your pain. As moms it is heartbreaking to watch our kids self-destruct while we watch helplessly from the sidelines.
You are right your son is still there somewhere. Unfortunately addiction is one tough foe to battle.
The one thing I might suggest is to block his # on your phone. I finally did this as when in the middle of a gambling binge the texts and phone calls were coming in fast a furious. Not one of them required an answer and only served to upset me or draw me in to the fight… which is what addiction wants!
It feels odd at first but it finally gave the message that I wasn’t going to “play” anymore. Anyway… just a thought.
Enjoy the baby step forward:)Cathy
I am the mom of a 27 year old gambling addict. We all unwittingly and willingly enable our addict children. It kind of comes with the territory of being a mom so you are certainly not alone in that respect 🙂
Unfortunately we all reach a point when we realise that all our good intentions aren’t helping and in fact are making things worse. We think I will just help this one more time and the penny will surely drop that they will figure out that the gambling has to stop. However, with gambling addiction as long as someone is paying they will continue playing.
I agree with Velvet… I think all the family (parents included) need to know exactly what is going on. Secrecy with addiction never ends up working . Your son will end up manipulating ,deceiving and playing you all off against each other.
Your husband is correct in that once we start to look after ourselves with boundaries you will feel stronger and more able to cope.
I am sorry there are no easy answers to this. It will take a lot of conscious effort on your part to deal with this. Can you get to a Gam Anon meeting? It can be a great source of support.
Cathyx
I am the mom of a 27 year old son who also started compulsively gambling at 18 years old. A lot of your story could be ours. He has stolen from us, our business, his siblings. He has also slashed his wrists a few times. He was living with a roommate and left a suicide note and his poor roomate was also frantic. It is hard to believe that gambling can drive them to these dark places but it does.
You did what you did bailing him out because you love him and didn’t know better. You are probably starting to see that as long as you keep giving he will keep taking. This isn’t an issue of love… he has a very strong addiction that renders him powerless over gambling.
Unfortunately they have to really feel the consequences of their actions. As a mom this is brutal and requires every ounce of strength you have to watch them fall and suffer. From my 9 years dealing with this ( I am a slow learner:)) there is nothing you are going to do or say that is going to make your son see this as a problem. Only he can decide when he has had enough. You can help the process along by taking a huge step back and getting yourself to a GamAnon group. I have been going for 3 years and the support, gentle suggestions and friendship have honestly made this nightmare bearable.
Keep writing and talking. All addictions love secrecy and once you bring them to the light of day they don’t have half the power!
Take Care
CathyxThanks for your kind words. Hope all is going well in your world and recovery. It’s not easy on either side of the fence is it? We just keep putting one foot in front of the other and try to do the next right thing.
Wishing you a great gamble free day i-did-it.
Cathyx
So sorry both you and your son find yourselves in the grips of compulsive gambling. It’s heart wrenching to stand by and helplessly watch your child destroy themselves.
You ask … “how can you know if they are lying”? What I found works is if you can get yourself to a point where what they are saying is irrelevant. While in active addiction it’s very difficult to believe anything. Try not to put yourself in a position where they can lie to you. As Velvet says their actions will speak louder than their words.
I tried to be proactive deciding on how I wanted MY life to look (boundaries that worked for me) rather than reactive whereby picking up the pieces and having my CG pulling all the strings.None of it’s easy but rather putting all your energies into your son try putting that same time and effort into yourself.
My son is now 27 years old and has about 11 months gamble free time. It’s been a long road for him but he is committed to his recovery … mainly through GA. I try to work my own recovery through Gam Anon where I have found incredible support and friendship. Is this something you could try?
Cathyx
I’m so sorry compulsive gambling has your family in its grip. I would imagine it’s twice as hard when his dad is encouraging the gambling.
When actively gambling my son was an incredible liar, manipulative, nasty and unrecognizable. As moms we naturally try to fix them. We talk until we are blue in the face, we threaten, we scream, we cry but nothing seems to get through.
It is a serious addiction that is very progressive. He didn’t ask for this yet it will be his to manage for the rest of his life.
Your part is to learn as much as you can about this addiction and finding as much support for yourself as you can cuz this is really tough and too hard to do alone.
Keep writing on here, try a Gam Anon group… Things that will help to give you support and perspective.Take Care
Oh Hope I wish I could give you an answer that wouldn’t hurt. I am by no means an expert in this. As Velvet has said she did all the wrong things for all the right reasons. That’s what moms do.
Perhaps if you say no to train fare he will be forced to ask his gf for the money. I know he doesn’t want her to know but that is not your problem.
Somewhere along this c**p journey it has to hurt or this will never end Hope.It’s your house and he is a young man so I think whatever you and your husband want to do is totally appropriate!
Baby steps Hope…that’s how things will improve:)