[wewinwhenwedontplay]

@ Berta,

There are multiple GA Meetings every day that can be attended virtually with Zoom. All you need is a device and the Zoom app downloaded/installed on that device. In my opinion, if someone can find a way to gamble, they can definitely find a way to attend a virtual meeting. The information to join the meetings is below:

https://www.gamblersanonymous.org/ga/virtual-meetings

[wewinwhenwedontplay]

Hey Losingitslowly,

Idk if you’ve tried this, but it’s been helping me stay clean during days I’ve had strong urges. I’ve been going to a GA Meeting (virtual) as often as possible (on average, daily, or at least as often as possible when I’m not busy).

I’ve also contacted multiple people from meetings (many through text messaging) when I’m dealing with feeling lonely or when I’m dealing with withdrawals (or dealing with urges to gamble/relapse). They don’t judge nor do they respond in a mean/judgmental way because they understand the addiction from an empathetic standpoint, as they’ve also been addicted to gambling.

These are the two suggestions I suggest if you have not done them or are not currently doing them.

[wewinwhenwedontplay]

Update:

I was doing pretty well, fighting urges, going to meetings, etc. I had 7 days clean. I have no idea what happened.

I made a commitment to go to a meeting at least once a day. I went to another one yesterday.

Today, the devil was at works. For some reason I didn’t get a full sleep. I woke up and could not get back to sleep. The temptations to try the “strategy” again crept in. I went to the casino/cardroom and the cards came so ugly, the “strategy” didn’t even work/succeed once. I then proceeded to chase those losses with everything I had left and lost it. The way the cards came I knew it was the devil. I was the only one who was playing in the casino. When I went to blackjack, it didn’t matter if I hit or stayed, the cards favored the dealer. This is how I knew it was the devil from the time I woke up to the temptations. It’s like he woke me up, put the thoughts in my mind that I could win, and made me relapse once again, knowing the cards were going to come how they came.

I was starting to get a grasp on clean time, but unfortunately I lost control again and relapsed and lost. It was the last $700 I had to my name. It’s like I work so hard to save a little bit of money and lose it in a matter of minutes. It sucks. I hate this addiction. It honestly makes me hate life. I still dream of a day I can be financially secure and take care of family members without having to gamble (I’m broke with or without gambling, but a lot broker with it to be honest). Anywho, that’s my update. Day 1 again.

[wewinwhenwedontplay]

@ kin, wow at, “if you do not stop the gambling, the gambling will stop you.” That one hit hard, like jail, death, or homelessness.

@ Losingitslowly, you are so right. It’s not that the system works sometimes, it’s that I get lucky sometimes. And you are absolutely right, I can almost never leave (or maybe just never instead of “almost” never) leave when I lose a little. I have left after a win, but I go back shortly after so that is not truly leaving, that’s actually more like taking a break.

These past two days have been some of the coldest days in my life. I had less than 20 dollars to my name because of the gambling and I laid in bed for two days straight. I had to will myself to get out of bed a few hours ago.

I contacted a GA member late at night yesterday whose number I got from another GA member. He suggested I go to a GA meeting I hadn’t before. I went ahead and did that later on that same day. During the beginning of the meeting, I made a vow to myself that I would start going to a GA meeting every day. I’ve never done this, as I’ve typically gone to the same weekly one I go to. This will be an attempt to make a change for good. I heard some cold stories at this new GA meeting such as one member collecting cans when they were homeless then gambling that money at the end of the week. Another member shared that they had panhandled for money to gamble. It was really cold hearing those stories, but I knew I wasn’t alone because I too have scraped the bottom of the barrel to work for hours and hours and save bits just to gamble it away.

I have not gambled today, and hopefully today can be the start of no longer gambling ever again.

[wewinwhenwedontplay]

@ Losingitslowly,

Thank you for all you’ve said. You are right, no matter how many times I tell myself I’m done, that other voice creeps in and says “no, you can win if you do the strategy better,” or “no, you sat at the wrong table last time, if you do it differently this time, you can make a living off of this, go, try again, there is no other legal way you can make money this fast and easy,” so then I listen to that voice and relapse, and then when I leave home empty handed I feel so stupid and guilty.

This has been a repetitive routine for me. It also isn’t good that the “strategy” has worked sometimes. That keeps reinforcing my attempts to try again (my relapses). Even though the reasonable voice in my head says the inevitable losses are coming (as I’ve said before in my posts), the irrational addict voice says “no, if you do it well enough you can keep winning.”

I am fighting to get out of this. I am, but I am being honest about this battle/war and its struggles.

[wewinwhenwedontplay]

@ charles, to be honest man, your reply comes off a bit condescending and assumptious/assumptuous. It isn’t encouraging at all and actually makes me not want to post anymore. The tone of it sounds like a response from a person who can’t empathize with a gambling addict, so I’m going to disregard it.

Hello @ Losingitslowly, I have banned myself from casinos in the past. I found they do not work because I end up just driving to the next closest one, and I have driven quite far to gamble, multiple times in a day (when my addiction was very bad) to be honest. I’m attending GA meetings, which helps a bit, but apparently they aren’t helping enough because I just relapsed again today and got back from the casino/cardroom 30 minutes ago (after losing the last $300 to my name) (it is 3:40am right now).

I am sick. Do not be like me. I have been praying for a way to provide for myself and others so I don’t have to resort to attempting these different “strategies” to try and make a living, but it seems those prayers have not been answered yet. I feel low. I feel like giving up on life often. This is my honest update.

[wewinwhenwedontplay]

Thank you for everything @ Losingitslowly.

Unfortunately, I relapsed again yesterday. It’s 2am right now where I’m at. Yesterday on Mother’s Day, I had urges of being in a better financial situation to maybe get my mom something nicer as I’ll be seeing her later today (so I’ll be celebrating Mother’s Day with her today).

Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, because maybe I’ll quit now, but to be honest, I’ve told myself several times before this that I’d quit), I lost, but of course I couldn’t stop after I lost the amount I was supposed to stop at. I pulled out some more from my debit card and lost some more. I only had 200 dollars left to my name after that and could not bring myself to go get and bet that because it would have hurt me too much if I didn’t even have the gas to make it to see my mom later today.

I’m sick. I recognize that. Not only am I sick, I’m broke. Not only am I sick and broke, but I don’t see a way out of this struggle.

[wewinwhenwedontplay]

@ Losingitslowly, wow at, “it’s not a system that you have, it’s a system that has you.” That one hit extremely deep.

Once again, everything you have written has been on point. I recently just told myself that none of the “systems” or “strategies” or betting patterns I mapped out or tried work (no matter how I try to configure them in my mind). They all lead to the inevitable losses, losses that do lots of damage.

But now with the addition of what you said, I now view it as a system that has me. After everything I’ve experienced and heard, maybe it’s now enough for me to stop for good.

[wewinwhenwedontplay]

I just read your reply Losingitslowly, and I must say, you are great/excellent at knowing exactly what needs to be said and saying it. You are on point with everything you said, especially the not continuously punching yourself in the face until you are unrecognizable (that is deep). This addiction can and will do that to you if you let it. You can become an ugly person that can no longer be recognized by those who used to know and love you.

I am in pain right now, but I am also numb (the numbing is an attempt for me to try and limit the pain I feel from this). I have lost all my money at this point and am basically back to nothing financially. Mother’s day is coming up (which is going to be a sad time for me (because I won’t be able to give my mom anything) due to the poor decisions I have made). To be honest, being unemployed and being broke (after losing what I had due to the gambling addiction), I am not sure what I am going to do next or how I am going to recover. My only hope currently seems to be in prayer. Of course I will put in effort to better my life, but it appears that options are very limited at the moment. It almost seems as if there is no way out of this if I am being honest (it feels like I will be stuck being a broke addict (and even if I do somehow beat this addiction, it feels like I’m still going to be stuck being broke regardless)).

[wewinwhenwedontplay]

I will not lie, I relapsed once again after my last reply. I told myself I was done gambling, woke up and got into my car to do deliveries to try and recover some money (keep in mind, the deliveries are not always available, so it’s a very mind-boggling thing knowing that I most likely won’t find financial stability in doing these deliveries). As I was doing these food deliveries, I asked someone to borrow a thousand dollars (someone who I had just recently paid back) and I made up some lies to borrow that thousand. That felt like crap, but I was determined to make more money from that money because in my mind, that would be not letting that person down.

After borrowing this thousand dollars, of course in my greedy mind, the money I made doing deliveries wasn’t enough (well it truly isn’t much anyway), so I went to the casino/cardroom once again to test out the “strategy” to win some gas money and to save me some time (as in, “hey, I can make money in the casino/cardroom much faster than with doing deliveries, then I can save time and relax more”). It worked, but of course out of greed (and due to inevitable losses that always come with the casino/cardroom (with gambling)), I went back more than once to try and do it again and again. Of course less than 24 hours later after continuously going back, the “strategy” didn’t work (it actually didn’t work multiple times), which caused me to resort to my plan b, chasing the money back with what I had leftover. Long story short, there were ups and downs and it led to the inevitable losses. I walked out of the casino/cardroom empty handed once again, feeling sick and disgusted, especially after just borrowing money from a loved one (who certainly could have used that money for something better) and lying to them to borrow that money.

At one point, I had even doubled my money after resorting to the plan b play-however-you-want-with-the-money-you-have-left-over-to-chase-the-money-you-lost “strategy” (and even after doubling what I had went in with, it still wasn’t even the money back that I had just lost the night before (it’s disgusting even thinking about this)). Of course, we always say in hindsight when we should have left (or what we should have or could have done), knowing that there is no way to gauge this when you are gambling. Regardless, the inevitable losses came once again.

I left feeling sick and livid, but just couldn’t think too much about it, as I felt/feel like breaking down but I don’t want to let evil win by seeing me defeated and giving up on life, so I kept my chin up.

Now I am at home typing this up, not knowing how I am going to recover (the funds), but more importantly, not knowing how I am going to stop this addiction from taking its toll.

I am fatigued, I am disappointed, I am embarrassed, I am ashamed, I am sad for my loved ones who got stuck with me as a son, and a brother, and a relative.

This is my honest update.

[wewinwhenwedontplay]

Once again, your response was written/put very well. You are extremely on point and accurate. Even when you said it sounds like I plan on going back if I get more money. That’s exactly what I did prior to you posting your response and after I wrote my last response.

I actually had about two grand left and I told myself I was done yesterday and that I’d live normal with this two grand, but what did I do? As an unemployed person with no consistent source of income, I went and tried the strategy again. I ended up going back and forth to and from the casino/cardroom and got up about 900 give or take by trying to win 120 each trip. Of course, the strategy didn’t work long before it failed, which costed me that 900 plus more. What did I do after that? I went home and told myself I was done. Less than an hour or so later, my mind convinced me to grab 1000 of the last money I had to try and win it back playing without a repetitive strategy, and instead playing however I felt in the moment. I lost that in a matter of minutes and then went back again with my last money, a little bit over 100.

Then I realized. I am sick. I probably needed to lose all of my money because I need to feel the struggles of a gambling addict to stay away forever. I am at day 1 again, and aim to quit forever, but I also acknowledge that I am sick with this addiction, a challenging addiction that convince me to go even after I decided I wouldn’t (impulsive/compulsive). It will not be easy to shake this addiction, but I know part of it comes with bettering my situation so I don’t get caught up with gambling.

[wewinwhenwedontplay]

I’m writing this to give an honest update about my addiction. I got some money from unemployment on the 18th. It was a lump sum check due to backpay. I used that to pay off multiple people who I had borrowed from. Of course, due to me being tired of scraping by with scraps, I went back to the casino and tried my per trip / per visit strategy. I tweaked the strategy a bit in order to add a backup strategy to it. I ended up turning the 2 point something or 3 or 4 grand I had leftover from the unemployment check into 8800 in less than two weeks. I started going to the casino multiple times in a day to use the strategy. It worked every time, but even the times it didn’t work, the backup plan worked. I thought my luck was changing.

Anywho, in between this time, I went to a dealership to try and buy a gas saver so I could do Lyft/Uber as something for guarantee money. They told me my credit was too bad for a car loan. After that, I knew that was bad because now my plan to do something with the winnings went down the drain, as I knew it was a matter of time before the system would not work and cost me money.

Regardless, I continued the strategy. Fast forward, a few times, the strategy did not work, and it costed me thousands. Just yesterday, I ran into a time of it not working again, and instead if stopping, I grabbed 3600 more on top of what I had just lost to chase those losses and gambled it compulsively with no strategy. I had no idea what had gotten into me, as I was firing 300 to 1000 per hand. Of course, after a few minutes, all of that was gone. I barged out of the casino wondering why the heck I let myself do that. Why did I lose so much in one sitting betting recklessly after spending so much time and so many trips to win 80 dollars give or take for each visit.

Here I am, broke again. It’s my fault, as it always is. I’m not sure what to do but wait as time heals this. I still am not sure what to do for money, as currently the only option I have takes almost all day to make maybe 80 dollars if I’m fortunate (doing deliveries in a car that eats lots of gas). I don’t know if I can go back to that after making up to 200 per trip / per day type using the non guarantee strategy. Anywho, there’s your update. I feel like nothing.

[wewinwhenwedontplay]

Hey Losingitslowly,

You are not alone. I too, recently relapsed after multiple clean days. At this point I just feel like maybe I have to accept that I’ll be a gambling addict dealing with relapses for the rest of my life. It’s not a positive thing to say but honestly at this point it’s the truthful thing to say.

I had gotten some money from unemployment finally after waiting several months to see if they’d even approve me. I paid off some debt and wanted to get a car off the lot that I could drive Lyft/Uber with, but I couldn’t even get approved for the most basic loan that would allow me to make monthly payments on the car (due to having very poor credit). This hurt because I was determined to execute this plan.

Of course, my mind convinced me to try those “strategies” again at the casino/cardroom (to possibly win enough for the car and/or to possibly win enough to fix my credit), and of course, it worked only a couple of times again before it backfired and costed me not only what I had won, but my own money.

This actually happened less than 24 hours ago (the losses). It’s funny how we, or at least myself, doesn’t think I am doing anything wrong, doesn’t admit to dealing with a relapse, or doesn’t post when I am not losing, and assuming there is no problem until I lose (although sometimes I don’t post even when I’m losing / have lost due to feeling too low).

Here I am back at square one. It’s funny you mention Mother’s Day. My mother is one of my motivations for trying to win money, so I can get her nicer things. I had no idea that Mother’s Day was this upcoming Sunday. Here I am, pretty much broke once again due to gambling. I am not a good son.

I appreciate God for the basic things though such as having a roof over my head, but living this life of a gambler with no other kind of financial plan for financial growth is very very tiring.

[wewinwhenwedontplay]

Hey Losingitslowly,

I wanted to write this to you as I see that you have relapsed. An older wiser woman from my Gamblers Anonymous once said this in regards to relapsing (she may have directed this comment towards me after a relapse, I don’t remember for sure, but), she said, “Even when we relapse, we don’t lose our clean time, and that clean time was still clean time.”

When she said this, it helped me feel better, because I would beat myself up (mentally and emotionally) every single time I’d relapse. Her comment is accurate though. If we would have gambled instead of being clean on those clean days, we would have caused so much more destruction than what we already had caused on our non-clean days.

I share this not to encourage relapses nor to lessen the negativity of relapses, but instead to share that we should be graceful towards ourselves as we are working to get rid of this demon/addiction. The goal is still to quit for good, but when we stumble, we should not view that stumbling as a reason to give up the fight and throw it all away and let the addiction win and just gamble for the rest of our lives (that is what we should not do). We should instead, look to pick ourselves up, see what we can do to better our lives that doesn’t involve gambling, and appreciate what we have (as there are always people out there who have less than us).

[wewinwhenwedontplay]

Hey Guys/Ladies/People/Everyone,

I just wanted to give an update. I am still clean and I don’t know how. For the past three nights, possibly more, I’ve had at least one dream about gambling/ the casino each night. I am not sure how I did not relapse.

My mind has continued to try and map out strategies and systems to win a small amount every day. Fortunately, with the money I had saved up recently, I paid off one person I owed instead of taking that money to test out these “strategies” and “systems”. I still owe money to three more people, and am focused on paying that off. I owe tons of money to loans and other debt (such as school loans and credit), but I don’t like owing people money for long because it just doesn’t feel right, so I am indeed focused on paying them off.

Again, I am not sure how I am still clean. It’s been a combination of things such as Gamblers Anonymous meetings, the little blue “A Day At A Time” book (this book is very helpful and there is something different to read for each day in the year), Losingitslowly’s posts here on these forums, and me knowing that my mind, body, and soul can no longer take these casino/gambling losses (I’m older now and no longer recover the same from losses, and the several losses I’ve already had has beaten me down much). Of course I also give credit to God, for giving me the strength to stay away from gambling (I’ve recognized that we have free will and can choose to do right or wrong every day, and deep down I know that going to gamble is going against God’s preference and going to do wrong).

With that being said, I am going to continue to fight this nasty/sick/evil addiction/demon. I know it won’t be easy, but those days or nights after relapsing and losing everything are too cold, and I can say that I don’t feel that coldness when I’m not gambling.

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