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Well done on getting the job despite all the chaos and strife.
Have you told “himself” yet? My guess is it will go over his head until you are actually gone. Cutting the strings will set you free Logic. Who knows how it will affect him! Time will tell.
( By the way, if he gave you money to hold on to for the weekend, I would say stick to the plan he entered into with you. No games! )
I hope you enjoy the weekend and that the rain holds off.
Remember the boy is NOT your responsibility. Let his father look after him. I’m glad for your sake that you are moving on because you don’t want to look back in years to come and view yourself as a “prop”.
Your CG will have no choice but to act differently on some levels when you leave. The dynamics will certainly change for him.
If I were in your shoes I would leave none of myself behind (Easier said than done, I know, believe me!) Make a clean break by blocking him from your phone and cutting contact for the first few months at least. You need time and space to organize the next phase of your life. You have tried your best. It is not your fault that you didn’t see results for your efforts
Never blame yourself that he didn’t better himself on your watch.
A CG has the power to suck people lifeless.
I’m glad you are making a choice that will give you back control of your life .
Best wishes for a wonderful future, one day at a time.I hear you Micky…very frustrating when you feel ignored
Maybe everyone is sunbathing.??????????????I read your post 3 times, Brian.
I am a CG. I also attend GA.
Because of the nature of the compulsive gambling, I came up with a few ideas / ways you could get around this problems .
Every method would have involved lies and more deceit, so as I write I know there is only one way to deal with this.
Be honest!
Perhaps telling your wife first would be the best way.Don’t be surprised if she suspects something already. Women have a sixth sense!
It will not be easy but you won’t be the first and you won’t be the last to play a double game in GA.
The longer you prolong things, the more difficult it will be.
I hope it goes well for you.
It will be a huge burden lifted for all concerned.Welcome to GT RR .
The thing that struck me most about your post is that you, yourself now realize what gambling has done to you.
YOU WOKE UP!!
For as long as we continue gambling, we are asleep. We live in a dream world. An illusion. When we wake up and see gambling for what it is , the scales fall from our eyes.That is the point of change.
The reality is that gambling is a progressive disease. It will never go away. It follows a CG like an unwanted demon, always lurking in the background waiting to pounce.
The good new is, you and I are stronger than this addiction but only when we take steps to eradicate it from our lives. You have taken first step today.
You have admitted that you are powerless over gambling.
The first step is the most difficult.
Keep climbing.
If you look back you will be tempted to “try one more time”.
We will NEVER win our money back but we will always lose more and more and more. You realize this now.
The only advise I would give you is to give the money you have in savings to somebody else, for safe keeping or you are at risk of losing that too.
Best wishes in recovery.Well done on writing what must have been a difficult post, I-Did-It.
Gambling will always have a hold on us until we surrender and admit that we are totally powerless over the addiction.
I always said “I know I become powerless when I gamble ” but I think part of my brain believed that somewhere deep down I actually could have limited control.
It was only when I listened around the rooms at GA meetings that the proverbial penny dropped and I fully accepted
a) Compulsive gamblers NEVER win. (Ergo, why gamble?)
b) No “barrier” will prevent a CG from gambling until our mindset changes.
c)There is no need to struggle with “urges”if we turn things around to the point where we make gambling an impossibility.
You summed it up in one word.
“Access”
As well as access to the Gambling Site, you also had access to money.
Maybe it is time to surrender all access to money and to the “weapons” that allow you to gamble i.e phone, laptop, ipad
Giving those to your husband to lock away at night might be a start.
After my huge loss, I gave my husband the lead for the lap top every night and told him to hide it away. He had no clue why. I just said “I’m spending too much time online during the night”.
You CAN stop gambling I- did -it.
Every time I gambled I was convinced “This is my life. I will never be able to change it”
I did change it
“I -did -it”
So can you!How many days in 6 months Jay?
132 approx.
You get here one day at a time.
No reason to believe you won’t keep going, odaat!
Well done!This thread is about YOU, GV, not about a woman who has a gambling problem.
It’s up to her to solve that.
Your problem is, as I understand it, based a warped perception of women and relationships in general.
You “got rid of” your wife because she “got fat”. Now you are worried that this “gorgeous” goddess will use her looks and “troll for a new benefactor”.
I’m not judging you at all. I just feel sad that a man in his 50s feels so insecure, when he could have so much more going for him.
There are women (maybe not as perfect as “herself”) who may be happy to share your company on a healthy level.
In my experience people who want genuine recovery for Friends and Family sometimes have to give the CG a break to allow them (us) to work out their own difficulties.
The longer others in my life helped me to mask my gambling, the more I took advantage and I did resent their enablement at some level.
Would you consider taking counselling to discuss your own insecurity issues (we all have them) or even discuss them here or in Velvet’s Group.
The reason I follow your thread is because it reminds me of how I played people like a fiddle when I wanted to gamble.
I never figured their reasons for being enablers.Darren, may I put a question to you?
IF (God forbid) you should ever gamble again, would you feel free to come on here to “fess” up ?Hi again,
I think you should contact the Helpline and ask to have your post moved to My Journal. This may have been overlooked.Every bully is a coward, Micky!
Just lie low and lock your door.
The word “respect”means very little now but you can still lead by example.
Don’t rule out putting the police on notice if you are scared.
The world is upside down!We cannot do it alone , Kin
When I first started school at age 5 I was taught by a very old nun who had also taught my mother.
Every day before class we had a prayer (these were the good old days when people acknowledged their Creator!!!)
After the prayer, she would cast her eyes to heaven and join her hands in her private prayer which she spoke out loud;
“I can do nothing, You can do all”!
She knew she needed help to deal with a class of 5 year olds. (Those nuns never retired. They were ageless)
The funny side of the story, Kin was when my mother asked what the nun said , I told her “She said she can do nothing and I can do everything”
Even at 5 years old I thought I could manage the Human Race!
How wrong I was.
Today we surrender ourselves to the HP, Kin.
He is the Creator
We are mere creatures.
How right that old nun was!!I hear you Jessica and I know gambling is not all about money.
Your husband is not a bad man Indeed, he sounds like a very thoughtful man but he has a very serious problem.
Sadly, nothing you can do will stop him gambling.
All you can do is stop enabling him.
Starting with the flowers…I would see accepting the “peace offering” as a form of enabling. I used to borrow money to buy outlandish presents for my family to give the impression that all was well. Inside, I was a mental wreck trying to juggle debt repayment, arrange a loan for my next “buzz”, think of excuses to be away for hours on end.
The pressure a CG lives under is unreal.
Remember that there is always a limit to how much money a CG can get, how much stress we can handle, how much pressure we can bear.
Let that be your consolation because , believe you me it will all go belly up for your husband soon.
In the meantime look after YOU.
Try to plan things to distract yourself from constantly dwelling on his problem. I know its awful that you have to suffer like this . Believe me, your CG is suffering too.
You will get lots of replies from other F and F members to support you . I’m just popping in because the weekends are quiet on GT and some people feel ignored and never post again if they are left waiting too long.
May I ask why your house was sold?10 k is a lot of money for a CG to have access to!
Is it “his” money or the families ‘ money?
A thought struck me as I read your post…how would your husband feel if YOU were out all night , losing huge sums of money?
I’m not being smart when I ask that question. You see I WAS that CG who used to be out all night gambling but thank God not today/tonight.
Another thought…Because of the large sums being turned over, I would say , brace yourself for the discovery that may be to come that your husband had indeed credit cards and possibly other debts as well. Gambling is THE most expensive addiction. It is also progressive. I have never seen a gambler coming in to a meeting saying “I’m here because I won xxxx amount” but I have heard many saying “I lost the house, car , job but the wife doesn’t know YET”!!
This addiction knows no bounds Jessiecau.
I would say you are UNDER reacting.
Tie up your finances and check all bank accounts to make sure your mortgage, bills etc are up to date.
Don’t let any of this scare you. You are not alone. Help is available but you need to put on your own oxygen mask first.
Your husband sounds like someone who is coming to the end of his tether. Keep the communication open.Been there, Micky. Played “devil’s advocate” too often. And been scapegoated. My solution was to bury it all in slot machines. Having no crutch or nowhere to run can be dodgy for a CG. Is there anyone sane you can talk to?
Your son needs outside help. From my experience of trying to placate a wayward son (mine is not a CG, he has other “issues” similar to your lad, though)all the help I gave was rejected. Perhaps you should have a word with your GP and ask to be referred for Family Counselling. It would help you to distance yourself from your son’s behaviour (I was subjected to years of abuse from my darling boy) and your other children will be made aware of what they need to do. Learning to cope with that carry on is essential for your mental and physical help. I am a compulsive gambler. Therefore I blamed myself and allowed my son to accuse me of many things I was not guilty of.
Now is he going through a phase of pretending his parents don’t exist. I haven’t seen him for six months. It is not an ideal situation but at least I have peace in the home. It has been well over a year since I last gambled.
Of course parents will always worry about their “children”.
Using suicide as a threat is very common. Personally, I would not ignore that threat. I would suggest you contact the MH services if your son is expressing suicidal ideation.
Nobody has the right to abuse you in your own home. It took me a long time to stop pleading with my son to come home. It always ended in him exploding and me escaping to the casino. I do not blame him in any way for my gambling but I also refuse to allow him to blame me for his problems.
Until you take steps to put a stop to tolerating your son’s abuse, it will continue.
Well done on coming here seeking help. Keep posting.