[velvet]

Hi Melanie

I think you know all the answers to your concerns but wish that you didn’t.

I cannot tell you what to do because it is important to your own well-being and future that you are in control of your own life and make your own decisions. If you do want to leave the door open, however, for reconciliation in the future, when he is committed to being gamble-free, maybe that is what you should be saying but I cannot believe that the dog should be a bargaining chip.

If you feel that taking the dog back is the final straw in your relationship then I see little to give me confidence that this man is remotely ready to change his life.

The dog’s health and well-being count too, as I am fully aware you understand. From what you have said this dog is yours, placed in trust but that trust has now been eroded.

I suspect you will have to make decisions that are hard for you but you are doing the right thing by keeping talking. I think that gradually you will accept, that which you already know deep down, is the right course of action for you.

I will leave this reply to you with my favourite quote from Mahatma Gandi ‘You may never know what results come from your actions but if you do nothing there will be no results’.

As Ever

Velvet

• This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by velvet.

[velvet]

Hi Melanie

Addicted gamblers are often very secretive, if they are open they may have to take responsibility and that is so difficult. They don’t want to be addicted, they would love to gamble responsibly like so many others do but it is not and never will be possible for them.

However, your ex is also secretive about, what appears to be multiple, affairs he has had in the past and this is setting alarm bells ringing for me.

In my opinion, trust is important in a relationship and I don’t hear trust for your ex in any of your posts and I also don’t hear any reason for him to deserve your trust.

I suggest you ask yourself why ‘you’ feel guilty about leaving him alone?, by detaching and allowing him to face his demons and determine what he wants to do with his life is, in my opinion, the best thing for both of you. If he abuses his freedom then it is down to him, not you.

Ask yourself why “I am stuck in a very desperate and unhealthy spiral of wanting to move on and wanting him back” when you are exhausted from ‘his’ indecision.

What do ‘you’ want Melanie? I am not asking what your ex wants or anybody else, just you.

I suggest that you are tired of the pain this relationship has brought you, not just the gambling but another woman and so many lies. Maybe you still feel you can save him but sadly you cannot save him and that is a fact. The only person you can save Melanie is ‘you’ and believe me you are worth it.

Keep posting, you are doing well

As Ever

Velvet

[velvet]

HI Melanie
Your uncle sounds invaluable, I’m so pleased he is there for you.
Tough love is exactly what it says but the word love is important.
Whatever the outcome Melanie, you are not responsible for your ex’s actions.
A compulsive gambler can never walk away from a gamble until all is lost and sometimes only the pain that comes with that loss is enough to cause the gambler to face his demons. Sadly those who love gamblers often have to allow their loved one to feel that pain. Many unwittingly enable hoping to mitigate the almost inevitable pain and in doing so help to keep the addiction alive. In doing so they are not responsible for the addiction or the pain, that responsibility lies only with the gambler. Only he can seek true recovery.
If your ex is still attending GA and trying to work the 12 steps, I am sure there will be people in his group who are aware of his progress, so he is not alone.
I don’t know what to say about the dog. The dog (as I am sure you agree) is the one creature he can be honest with, the one creature who will not and cannot enable him but can give him love however, if the dog is looking malnourished or neglected, then I think it is right to take him back.
Cutting lose can and often does cause spirals of poor behaviour but hanging on, when the addict is not seriously seeking true recovery, will almost certainly be dangling the offer of future enablement. There is no point in making ultimatums to a gambler, who is a master of threats, unless you know 100% that you are willing to carry them through.
I am still confused about the part the girl plays in all your concerns. Your ex has not made the right noises regarding her and although he might just be seeking enablement elsewhere, I think you must be aware that I can have no idea what is actually going on.
I will leave this reply here for now, but please keep posting.
I repeat what I said at the beginning, whatever the outcome, you are not responsible for your ex’s behaviour, nothing you could have done or said would have prevented his addiction, you cannot stop him gambling, you can only point him towards good support and you have done that.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Melanie

It took courage to write your first post, well done. I would imagine it was difficult but I hope it helped to get the words out and to realise now that someone is listening and understanding.

I think you have done well putting a distance between you and his addiction. A gambling addiction tries to overwhelm and confuse as a means of getting enablement. You now have time to take back control of your own life and know what it is that ‘you’ want.

You ask “How did everything become my fault?” A gambler has to face his poor behaviour and take responsibility for his actions when he determines to control his addiction – I suspect your ex-fiancé is not ready for that yet, blaming you and the world is much easier.

I cannot offer any thoughts on whether or not he has turned to someone else but as long as you have so many doubts, in my opinion, you are safer apart.

The fact that you had an amazing relationship pre-gambling is good although it is always hard to tell when a gambling problem has turned into an addiction. A compulsive gambler can be and often is, an amazing person but unfortunately the addiction to gamble is destructive and selfish.

You say you love this man and want to support him which is great for him, he is very lucky to have you on his side even if he can’t appreciate it – yet.

Your feelings are not abnormal but if you are going to offer your ex-fiancé on-going support then it is important that you keep your feet on the ground. Keep in touch with your friends and family, don’t give up on your interests and hobbies and keep posting. I see that you have dogs which are the most wonderful distraction, what breeds have you got? A journal is a great way to mark progress and you have made a good start with your first post.

You are right that abstinence is not recovery and it might be that he would benefit from further support; maybe you could encourage him to join this site. We have an excellent group for gamblers facilitated by Charles where your ex-fiancé will be welcomed and understood. If you decide to do this and you don’t want your username to be recognised by him then it can be changed – just call our Helpline. Our Helpline is there for you and your ex.

It would be great if you could join me in a Friends and Family group, either on Tuesday or Thursdays evenings 19.00-20.00 UK Time where we can communicate in real time. These groups are private and safe, nothing said in a group appears on the forum.

Keep posting

Velvet

• This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by velvet.

[velvet]

HI Goteburg

I remember you and in my opinion, this unhealthy relationship with Nguyen has gone on for too long.

Why are you dangling hope of a relationship with her next year if you want no contact. This behaviour is not good for either of you.

Either you stop giving out confusing messages or, I suspect, you will be back here in another 4 years.

Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Peperovich and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by velvet.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by Dunc.

[velvet]

Hi Peperovitch

Well done writing your first post, I am so pleased you have spoken.

Here, you are understood and there is support available for you.

Many people do not understand when they are told that a loved one has a serious gambling problem – turning away is easier for them to cope with than trying to understand but this is not true of everybody.

Please keep posting and talking, contact our Helpline and join our gambler group facilitated by Charles.

You have hidden strengths – I know this because I know how much courage it took to write your first post.

Please allow us to support you.

I am listening and I will follow your progress.

Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Recovering Jim and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Thorfin

First of all please accept my apology for taking so long to reply to your post – it deserved greater attention and I am truly sorry. I have had my knee replaced and it has caused me more problems than I anticipated.

I do not hear a man ‘talking bad’ about his father; what I do hear is a man who is desperately trying to hold his life together while his father is pulling it apart – and that is the nature of a gambling addiction.

You write that you and your brother ‘try to reason with him’ but I’m sorry to say there is no reasoning with this addiction.

Maybe when he demands money again, you and our brother could unite and say that you have sought help for yourselves and been informed that money given to a gambling addict only feeds the addiction making it worse – and because you want to support him, in the right way, there will be no more money for him.

Is it possible for you and your brother to unite with your father’s siblings – a united front is harder for an addict to destroy.

I think it is important to know that your father does not want to be addicted to gambling, he neither asked for, nor wanted it but the only person who can stop this destructive addiction, is himself. You, your bother, your mother and your father’s sibling are not to blame for his addiction, however much your father seeks to blame everybody but himself. He will fight hard against taking responsibility for his actions and he will need help to do it.

We do offer support for your father on this site – on our Helpline, the gambler forum ‘my journal’ and a gambler’s group facilitated by Charles who will understand your father more than you or I. This site is anonymous and private.

Is it possible that you and your brother can hide money and possessions without his knowledge, to save yourselves and ultimately your father. It is sad to say that a gambling addict will take those who love them all the way down with them until someone shouts ‘enough’ because the nature of his addiction means he will always lose.

I hope you will write again – I will look for you. I also facilitate groups on Tuesdays and Thursdays 1900 – 2000 hours UK time, if you would like to communicate in real time. They are private and nothing said in the group appears on the forum.

I wish you so much peace of mind Thorfin – I have stood in your shoes and I know how difficult it is – but you can win through for yourself – I know, or I would not be writing to you.

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Debbie

The Friends and Family group is between 1900 ours and 2000 UK time.

Only F&F members can come into a group and there is often only 2 or 3 of us present, completely safe and private. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum which means we can really open up.

Well done on all you are doing.

Velvet

[velvet]

HI Debbie

If your son has a serious gambling problem, then his answer will probably be to gamble again to chase his debts.

It is important to keep his ‘good friends’ on side, he will need them. Maybe you could tell them that your son could use their calm approach. I personally feel that the more people who are willing to support the better. It is important though that they know not to give him any money because this will only feed his problem and they will probably never get their money back.

It is also important to know that your son does not want to have a problem with gambling, he neither asked for it nor wanted it, he is not to be blamed – any more than you.

He is in debt for a lot of money and being young, this will hurt. Maybe you could direct him towards our Gamblers group, facilitated by Charles, who will put him straight about what could happen to him if he continues gambling. I believe there is nothing like hearing from someone with experience.

I facilitate a group on Tuesdays and Thursdays 19.00-20.00 hours, (7-9pm) for the families of gamblers and I would be really pleased if you could join me. It is one to one, completely safe and private, it is really good to have a no-holds-barred conversation.

Your son is young enough to learn to control his problem before it takes a complete hold of him and gets harder and harder to control.

Speak soon.

Velvet

• This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by velvet.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by velvet.

[velvet]

Hello Debbie

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Groups Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Debbie

I wish there was an easy, quick answer to your question but there is no crystal ball available to tell me is this is a one-off incident.

Personally, I think it is wise to think that this could be the start of something -but hopefully with knowledge it can be nipped in the bud.

Your son is at an age when many young people gamble for fun without realising that addiction can be waiting for them and along with addiction can be a life-time of failure and misery. You, however, have chosen to seek help early for him and he is a lucky young man that you are ready to support.

Debbie, I was just going out for the evening when I noticed your post, so I hope you will excuse this short reply.

I will write more fully tomorrow – but I wanted you to know I was listening. in the meaning your plan to keep him occupied and his friends in the loop sounds great.

Speak soon

Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Kesser and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

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[velvet]

Hi IKICDB

It would be great if you ‘spoke’ on the forum again – I look for you every day and hope you are doing well.

Admitting a gambling addiction is a big step towards tackling the problem and you have done that.

I was so pleased that you were brave enough to open up and that you have loved ones who are willing to support you, their support is invaluable.

There will always be people who just do not and cannot understand. I think with those people it is good to say that you are not seeking opinions or advice but that gentle support wouldn’t go amiss. It is so important that the ignorance of others doesn’t sway your determination to succeed.

How did your in-person therapy session go? I know facing a gambling addiction isn’t easy but I do know that the effort is worthwhile – or I wouldn’t be writing to you.

Keeping a journal would possibly be a great support to you – you can look back and see how far you have come.

Thinking about you

Velvet

• This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by velvet.

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