[velvet]

 
Dear Callie
I thought when I read your post that you had found a page of mine and re-written it. I voiced all those ‘why’s so often but no answer was forthcoming until I had come to terms with his addiction and my part in it. If your partner’s addiction had the guts to speak it would answer ‘why not – I am addiction, I will ***** everything from you if you let me. I will ***** your dignity, your self-belief, your ability to trust, your strength and just give me a chance – your soul.’
I am not offering an excuse for addiction but I am offering the reason why your partner does what he does. His head is stuffed full of an illogical addiction that is unable to reason.  It is selfish, destructive and corrosive – it knows no boundaries and cares not one iota for you, what colour you are, or religion or how many children you have – it is the Addiction to Gamble and it is your enemy. 
It is not known why one person has an addiction and another does not.   For us it is simply ‘don’t go to the bookmaker’. For the person with the propensity for an addiction there might have been one or two trips to the casino, race, course, card game and sadly probably a so called ‘win’ when the addiction saw the warm haven in which it could dwell and reek its hate.   The addiction is like a head full of water with no room for empathy, honesty, self-esteem, love. If the addicted person can recognise they have a problem and accept it, they can seek the right help from those who can show them how to tip a bit of that water out and replace it with honesty and love then.  Provided they are dedicated, they can empty their heads although the propensity to gamble will always be there. When you speak to your partner and ask ‘why’ it is again as though the words have travelled through water and become distorted. His addiction answers – not your partner. If it feels threatened it knows which buttons to push and if we are not strong enough to stand up to that addiction speaking to us then we become it’s victims too.
The thoughts go round and round in our heads, faster and faster and if we are not careful we implode and then the fall out is terrible. I am glad that you are releasing your thoughts and I hope you will continue to do so.  I think it is important though that you allow the thoughts of ‘your recovery’ to come in.
Your partner’s addiction believes it holds you in it’s sway. I really, really know how difficult it is to do what is right for you but detachment from this addiction is vital to your well-being, your daughters and ultimately to your partner.
I cannot tell you what to do but I would hope that you never bail him out again. When we enable we are sorting out the addiction’s debts, taking responsibility away from the CG and loading it upon ourselves. CGs need to take responsibility for their lives if they are to live in control of their addiction. 
I’m not sure whether it is the addiction or the CG who cries ‘sorry’. I wanted to believe it was the person I loved and not his addiction.  I forgave because of ‘my’ need to forgive and ‘my’ need to trust. It is good to detach ‘our’ ***** for them. We need to learn about the addiction’s capabilities so that we can make informed decisions and survive.
You want a life with your partner and daughter that is ‘normal’ but unless there is a change you will continue in the cycle that you are describing and it does get worse.  The only person listening is ‘you’. The only person you can change is you. You have done nothing wrong but you can make a difference. 
You said that your partner was considering GH and it is worth encouraging even if it does mean he is away for 6 months.   Believe me it goes quickly because during that time you will be finding yourself.   As an incentive to him to change his life, it would be good perhaps if you were less selfless and became detached. His addiction ***** to hear that in you it has met its match. You are not going to live with it. You have to believe it, mean it and never threaten until you do believe it and mean it. 
You cannot make your partner stop gambling, you cannot save him but you can make his addiction ‘know’ that you have had enough. The most important weapon in the hands of this addiction is the mind of the enabler. Withdraw your mind and take it back under your control. There is no need for rows and tears. Show a strength that bewilders the addiction and is determined. 
I would not write if I did not know that this addiction can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result. Your post is next to Davien and Double H – witnesses that what I am saying is true. It isn’t easy but it can be done and the rewards are priceless.
I hope some of this helps but please keep posting
Loads of Love
Velvet ***********************
 
 
 

[velvet]

Dear Dave
Thank you ************
V

[velvet]

 
Dear K
I just wanted to join with the others in sending their love and thoughts to you and your sister. It is such a terrible tragedy.
You have come so far in your life and I know that wherever you are, your empathy will radiate and your support will be invaluable. 
Look after yourself as well as your sister and return safe. 
With Love as Ever
V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 

[velvet]

thank you to all who joined me this morning and made it worthwhile *****************

[velvet]

 
Thanks Chaps
You have answered an imponderable for me that was raised in a recent group.
Love
V **************************
 

[velvet]

 
Hi FH
Welcome to Gambling Therapy
Many of us will have felt the pressure you describe. 
I cannot tell you what to do but I can tell you some of the pitfalls where we do the wrong thing for the right reasons and hopefully help you make informed decisions.
The addiction to gamble is the master of manipulation and threatening to do something for a reaction is its common behaviour. Unless the person making a threat against this addiction means what they say and carries out that threat, the addiction recognises the lack of resolve as its victory.  When you threaten the addiction therefore, it will test your resolve.   If you are not strong enough to carry out your threat then the addiction has won and sees itself as invincible. We feel more powerless and the addiction takes more control. You have to ‘mean’ what you say.
Sadly we cannot ‘make’ a CG stop gambling. Only your relative can change himself and take control of his addiction. 
I take it, that it is your relative that is pressurising you to repay the load sharks. If it is then you will be paying his gambling losses and leaving him free to create further debt. You will have alleviated his problem but not helped him. 
Please write more so that we can support you further. Our helpline is brilliant if you would like to communicate one-to-one and if your relative wants to commit himself to controlling his gambling then it would be an excellent place for him to start.   To control an addiction it is important that the person who owns that addiction accepts it and takes responsibility for the wreckage his addiction has caused. 
Better late than never is excellent and it is never too late.    We will support you for as long as you need it. You are stronger than your relative’s addiction because you do not own it. Learn about it, get power over it and don’t let it abuse you – as it does him.   Your relative is lucky that you care enough to seek help on his behalf but he has to seek the help for himself which does not mean pressurising you to clear his gambling debts.
I hope this helps but please keep posting until you are ready to make ‘your’ informed decisions.
Love
Velvet xx
 
 
 

[velvet]

 
Hi K
Egg shells, coal raking, lockdowns, boss killing – it could only be a post from you entering a more peaceful time of your life!!  Who needs thriller books when we have K.
My main excitement this weekend has been our guests showing us their daughter’s wedding film with the hymns and sermon included. Fortunately the wedding reception film is not available for viewing yet or I think I would still be sitting there with glassy eyes held open by match sticks – give me a lockdown any time!!
Was Eclipse good? I have only seen New Moon so far and think I should have watched them in order.
I wept buckets as my children left home.   I think your arguments with Brea will be a thing of the past as she realises it’s not so easy being ‘grown up’.   I’m sure she will share with you on a more equal basis.  I know you will be her greatest friend when the going gets tough – provided you are not off saving the planet. xx
I have just gone back to early May on your posts and I can’t see the reason for Brea’s boyfriends staying away and I don’t think I missed anything. It’s probably old news by now but you know me – nosey!! 
How is your back by the way? 
I can feel my eye-lids drooping and I think I am going to let them do what they want as within a short time our guests will be back and I must be ready with a smile. I need to smile anyway as it hides the creases.  The anti-wrinkle creams are working overtime, as I got a few more wrinkles yesterday, stifling yawns during the epic wedding, with the ubiquitous badly behaved child running up and down the aisle. When I went for a loo break the film was stopped so I didn’t miss any – there was no escape.
Your job sounds fascinating and I am so pleased you seem to be enjoying it to the full. Don’t take any risks though with dangerous patients – you are far too important.
No good the eyelids are winning
Loads of Love
V zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[velvet]

 
Dearest Jess
You have supported me and so many others on this forum and I will miss you very, very much. Suffice it to say your seat in the group room will always be there and there will always be a warm welcome for you.
You have taught me many things and I have benefited from the experience of knowing you.
I understand your reason for leaving the forum and I am sorry that it is so. If ever you need any help that this site can give you then the helpline is always there one-to- one, private and confidential and I will keep hoping that one day the door of the group will open and you will be there which, as you know, offers the same privacy. 
I wish you so much happiness in your life – you deserve it. You have risen above adversity and shone – you are amazing.
Thank you for saying goodbye. I am so sorry it is so but you have kept your counsel well and I admire you for it.
With loads of love and thanks as ever
V ************************************

[velvet]

 
 
Hi K
The husband of a friend of mine moaned about her cooking once too often and guess what – he does it all the time now whilst telling her how good he is – I could cope with that.  
Even if I burnt every shirt I don’t think my husband would complain about the ironing but maybe it is worth a try.
Have you ever put anti-wrinkle cream on only one side of your face and waited – it makes not one iota of difference.  The side with the cream on is as scrunched up as the one without, however long I wait.   I still put it on next day though, as I am always either the optimist or just terrified as to how bad it could get if I didn’t.    The models on the TV who advertise them are not long out of school – I didn’t have wrinkles then either!
I love Larry’s tale of the 2 monks and I am going to be using it a lot I think.   So many people can’t let the past go and it eats away at them. You have though and that says so much more about you. It has liberated you.
Just popped in the say ‘hello’ and as always had to say a bit more
Loads of Love
V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
 
 
 
 

[velvet]

 
Dear K
It is a day in your life that is special and you deserve it for the courage and commitment that you have shown.
You deserve your Oscar. You are repaying all the support that you have received on this site every minute of your gamble free life. I think everyone is enriched by your achievement.
I hope that sometime over the weekend I find myself in the ‘chat’ with you.
With loads of love to a very special person
V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[velvet]

Hi K
Good to see you back
Loads of Love
V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[velvet]

 
Hi K
How on earth could you have even begun to doubt that your new boss having met you could do without you?
You can really relax now and get your back better.   Worrying keeps the muscles uptight, so let it all hang out and enjoy the pampering – whatever that is!!
I am sure everyone must be greatly relieved you can manage the loo on your own.
Reading your post makes me realise that you were really scared and I am sorry I took the mick but I didn’t realise that you could possible think that anybody would not want you enough to wait.
Looking forward to reading about the job whenever it starts. It will start quicker I am sure when you relax your mind and your body. 
Loads of Love
V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[velvet]

 
Dear K
I am so sorry. I just don’t get over and read nearly enough and then when I do I find you crock.
Please get better soon. Back muscles seem to suddenly sort themselves out but by crikey they hurt at the time. 
I am sorry but the picture of a special seat to go over the toilet makes me smile – I know it shouldn’t but I used to have one on mine when the kids were tiny but I thought it was to stop them falling in!!!!!!!!!!!! 
I hope the job is OK but more importantly you soon are. Relax on your recliner and imagine George Clooney dropping peeled grapes into your mouth. I always imagined Michael Douglas but he lost if for me when he married Catherine Zeta Jones!
I think I must away – my husband is too quiet which means he is enjoying himself and I can’t have that. I think I will go and do a couple of cartwheels round the garden with a few back flips – oops sorry – that was insensitive mentioning how fit I am. Well you didn’t really think I need a Zimmer frame did you? I only use it for sympathy and to bop Meg out of the way when she gets stuck in the door when I’m trying to open the group.
Loads and Loads of Love
V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
 

[velvet]

 
Dear Kathryn
I can’t believe I am so behind in saying congratulations and giving a whopping big cheer. You deserve this break and I just know you will be fantastic in your new job.
I open the forums and F&F always beckons me. It is not for lack of thinking about you that I do not write – it is purely lack of time.
I just missed you in the chatroom on Saturday – I saw the back of your foot as you disappeared out of the door.  I tried to grab it but I thought it might cause a bit of a cyber accident and I’m not sure who I could call if there was an emergency – cyber ambulances being probably as rare as hen’s teeth.
I am so pleased and can’t wait to hear more about the job. I know the wedding is this month so I need to read more to find out about Jode’s dress but I am being summonsed elsewhere at the moment.
I think about you oooooooooooooodles of times
Loads of Love
V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[velvet]

 
Dear K
I was glancing through the forums (as you do) when I chanced upon your post of 24th March and realised that I had been unmasked, uncovered and my identity blown away.
I have wanted to remain a secret but I always knew if Velvet was to be unfrocked it would be by her old friend Katy Puffy Pants.
Do you still do that think where you blow bubbles upside down whilst swinging from the chandeliers.
We must meet up again – it would be a scream
Love
Nora Bone x
 

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