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for Eliza.

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Hi Eliza
Welcome to Gambling Therapy
The addiction to gamble is all about the ‘gamble’; money is only a means to an end. Although your son appears to be gambling to win money to pay for things – he is probably only gambling to get more of the commodity that he needs to fuel his addiction. He might be kidding himself that it is to pay for rent or food but once he has money he will almost certainly gamble.
In my opinion, it is important to give directions to a CG (compulsive gambler) where support can be found. We have an excellent helpline here where your son can communicate one-to-one and where he will be anonymous. He would be very welcome in our CG only groups where he can join in and push his thoughts around without being identified and we have the CG forum ‘My Journal’. He has nothing to fear and nothing to lose by making these contacts.
It might help to download the ‘Gamblers Anonymous 20 Questions’ for him, you can find them on Google. Maybe you could get the address of the local GA and their meeting times for him. Many CG do not realise that their addiction is recognised and that there is help available.
I have brought my thread up entitled ‘The F&F Cycle’ which I hope will help. It should be close to this thread on the forum. Knowledge of his addiction will give you control over it and help you cope.
You have done well taking control of his debit card. When you enable a CG by giving them money, it is the same as giving an alcoholic a drink. Is your son working? Is he in debt? Perhaps most importantly, does the friend he intends to move in with know he has a gambling problem? I know it is hard to say ‘no’ but I think it is important to know that giving him the 2 months rent money is the same as clearing his gambling debts and only helps his addiction thrive.
It would be great to communicate in real time with you in the Friends and Family group on Tuesdays between 8 and 9 pm. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum. I hope to ‘meet’ you there.
Please keep posting and asking questions. It is sad but his addiction to gamble will take you down with it if you allow it to do so – it is secretive and divisive but with knowledge you will cope. The most important thing you can do for you and your son is to look after yourself.
I would not be writing to you if I didn’t know that your son can control his addiction and live a wonderful life.
Well done starting your thread. You are doing well
Velvet

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Dear Anni
How good it is to get such a positive post – I hope it raises the spirits of many others. I think your post relates to every loved one whose CG seeks recovery, not just mums and dads.
By working with your son, now that he has finished his programme, you will be giving him the finest encouragement possible. He will have ups and downs and sometimes you may feel confused but persevere and he will know he has a rock to lean on. It isn’t an easy for him and sometimes it will be hard to see him struggle but I ‘know’ it is worth all the effort.
If ever you have anything that worries you, please pop into the F&F group. At the beginning, when ‘my’ mind was still euphoric and yet frightened I often wished I had someone to talk to – I think it would have saved me from some of my errors. Fortunately my CG was strong, (thanks to GM) and he had the tools to cope – even with me.
Enjoy the journey and all the good feelings, you deserve them. Your son is saying all the right things. I was often reminded not to get too far ahead of myself but it is easy to do so after so much unhappiness. Just like our loved one, we can only live one day at a time.
Thank you for the smile you have put on my face
Velvet

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Hi Dcor
I can’t see a single goof in your post.
It is usual for an active CG (compulsive gambler) to deny they are gambling even when there is more concrete proof than you have because lying is symptomatic of the addiction. In my opinion, you have done the right thing for your whole family, including your wife, by protecting your paycheck. You are right that it won’t stop her gambling but it does make it harder for her to find the wherewithal to indulge her addiction.
It is difficult for the non-CG to understand that money is not the root of the problem – it is the actual gamble that causes all the tension, misery, lies and deceits. Giving money to a CG is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic – it is only a means to an end.
Unfortunately without treatment the addiction gets worse and if your wife continues she may find herself in debt and think that you will bail her out. Clearing the gambling debts for a CG also clears away their worry leaving them free to continue unabated and I think maybe you could give this some thought before it occurs.
It is possible that you wife is unaware of the support that is available for her should she want to control the addiction that is over-powering her at the moment. I believe it is good to print off the ‘Gamblers Anonymous 20 questions’ and give them to the CG – sometimes it helps for them to realise that what they are experiencing is not unknown. Your wife will have low self-esteem and little confidence as her addiction means she will feel failure over and over again. Arguing, pleading, threatening has little effect as she is unable to think logically or reasonably about her addiction, hence the need for the right support. We have an excellent helpline on this site, run by CGs who are in control of their addiction and a dedicated counsellor who would be able to offer your wife a light at the end of the tunnel that sadly you cannot shine for her. We also offer CG only groups and a CG forum where she would be welcome – CGs do not fool each other. Perhaps you could also get the address of the GA (gamblers anonymous) group in your area for face to face support.
You may well be thinking as you read this that I have not listened – your wife is saying that she is not gambling so why would she seek support? The point is that ‘she’ knows she is gambling and although she cannot admit her addiction to you, it is possible that she knows she needs help. I suggest leaving information where she can see it and she can read it in her own time. It might be that she screws it up and throws it in the bin but I have heard of CGs who have retrieved information they have discarded once they have had time to think.
It is important that you look after yourself and your children while their mother is not taking responsibility. In my view it is important to get as much knowledge as possible of the addiction because knowledge will give you power over it and help you cope.
I fully appreciate that there will be more things going on than you have written in this first post as I really do know how difficult it is to live with this addiction casting a shadow on your life.
Keep posting – you will always be heard
Velvet

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Hello Dcor

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

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Consider it done – my thoughts and prayers are with you both

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Dear Tilly
How glad I am that you felt strong enough to start a thread and talk about the things that are so painful to you.
Knowledge of your mother’s addiction will give you power over it and help you cope. There is much to tell you but in my first reply I am going to concentrate on the words that jumped out on at me and that is whether your mother loves her addiction more than her children.
I would not be writing to you Tilly if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and fantastic, useful lives lived as a result. As a result of my CG changing his life I am able to pass on to you what I have learned from him. After 25 years of living with his addiction, I would not have believed it possible that my CG loved me and I would not have been able to tell you what my feelings were for him – he seemed determined to destroy my personality, my self-esteem and confidence. I didn’t know anything about his addiction, I believed the problem was me and to that end I saw counsellors, a psychiatrist and I was even tested for Alzheimer’s disease Even though I listed everything I was experiencing, not one of them recognised the addiction that I was living with. Living with your mother’s addiction makes your sister’s anger and your depression completely understandable.
Following my CG’s decision and determination to change his life I have found a person that I can love and be proud of – and who loves and is proud of me. He has been able to talk about what was going on in his mind.. He explained that when I was pleading with him to tell the truth and live honestly, his addiction was distorting my words, convincing him that I was lying because he truly believed that he was an unlovable, worthless, failure – he was lost in a lonely world and fought back because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism. The addiction to gamble is an addiction that courts failure and no amount of words from me could make him feel less of a loser.
I will leave it there for now but please keep posting because there is so much to learn that will help you. You have done a terrific thing coming here and your mother is very lucky to have you on her side, even if at the moment she doesn’t appreciate it. I have a Friends and Family group on Tuesdays between 20.00 – 21.00 hours UK time. It would be great to communicate with you in real time.
In the meantime, look after yourself, you are very important and although you cannot save your mother you can make a difference.
Velvet

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Hello Mark
and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

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Hi Ivy
Putting on a front gnaws away at your personality and ruins your self-esteem and it obviously isn’t good. If it was me I would tell the 2 people you trusted before because you need support and freedom to relax without a mask. Secrecy is exactly what a CG wants if he is to keep the door open for his addiction.
Your husband has asked you to help him which is good and getting a block on the internet is a step in the right direction. In my view, however, he should take responsibility and put the block on himself.
What is he doing to make things different this time Ivy? Is he going to GA, is he seeking counselling, is he prepared to talk to our helpline or join our CG groups?
Your words to your husband were fair and did not threaten your marriage – you told him you don’t know if you can continue which means he has the choice to put this lapse behind him and live gamble-free or carry on and wreck his marriage.
Keep posting
V

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Hi Emma
I think you have done marvellously condensing, what must have been 9 ‘very trying years’, into this first thread. I would imagine you were quite worn out after writing it – the first post is always the hardest. I hope it helps when I say you are in the right place and everything you have written is understood.
You have done so well over those 9 years that for now I’m not going to dwell on what has gone before. The important thing for you at the moment is to look after yourself while your husband works on his addiction in the excellent GMA programme. This is not just an important time for your husband, this is a very important time for you too, a time to recharge your batteries, to learn about his addiction and hopefully to learn how to support him and yourself, when he has completed his programme.
My CG did the GMA programme a few years ago so I understand the difficulty in covering up an absence, while also feeling extremely nervous yourself. If it was me I wouldn’t tell young children about the GMA programme because I think it is hard enough to understand as an adult. In my view it is impossible to know what it is like to live with the addiction to gamble, unless you have done so, which makes sharing your feelings with those around you very difficult and possibly means your thoughts are whizzing round at a terrific rate of knots with nowhere to go – I hope sharing here will help and give you the ability to be more serene and able to keep the spirits of your children high.
I know the time a CG is in GMA seems to stretch endlessly away but it does soon pass and is a drop in the ocean compared to a lifetime. Your husband is doing what is right for him but it is a very selfish time, you can’t talk to him, you don’t know what he is doing, it can be very frustrating. By looking after yourself, seeing family and old friends, picking up hobbies and generally doing the things you have stopped doing because of his addiction you will be doing what is right for you and ultimately is the very best thing you can do for him. It is a time to regain self-esteem and confidence which have been shattered so that when he comes home you are as ‘new’ to him as he will be to you.
There will be more time for us to post to each other while your husband is away so please ask any questions you may have. It would be great to ‘meet’ you in the Friends and Family group on Tuesday evenings between 8 and 9pm where we communicate in real time – nothing said in the group appears on the forum.
I would not be writing to you now if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and fantastic lives lived, as a result.
Stay positive; enjoy this peaceful break from addiction.
Velvet

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Hi Ivy
Welcome back – I am glad you knew you could come again and be assured of a warm welcome.
You say in your post that your husband has gone almost 18 months gamble-free this time – has he slipped again or are you feeling he is due for another nose-dive?
Many CGs count the days, months, etc. Psychologically this can create a goal. Once the goal is reached, be it a week, a year or eighteen months, there can be a feeling of euphoria a desire for a reward and the most likely reward for a CG, who has not fully accepted his addiction is a gamble.
If your husband has achieved his 18 months gamble-free by his own effort he will still be subject to his addiction distorting his thoughts – this is a time for him to speak to his peers in GA, on this site or a counsellor. I have still to hear of an active CG who has maintained a gamble-free life without support.
Stick with us Ivy – you have done great starting your thread. Of course you are the only one who can decide your future but it is really good to share your thinking with others – if helps to unravel thoughts that can get tangled and out of proportion.
V

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Dear San
I would just like to add a postscript to Twilight’s brilliant post.
A friend of mine is being sent texts that she doesn’t like, often during the night which disturbs her sleep. I told her to leave her phone off at least during the night. She said ‘BUT I have to keep in on in case my son who lives on the other side of the world wants me or my daughter needs help with her children. It is always the ‘but’ that leaves the door and yet it wasn’t that long ago that parents and children could not keep tabs on one another because there was no such thing as a mobile phone. I would imagine this is one of your concerns and my suggestion would be to tell your other children and friends another way of contacting you – even changing your number.
If there really was an emergency you would be found, just as children and their parents used to be in the not so distant past.
V

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Dear San
The bit of your post that hits home most with me, is when you beat yourself up with a stick for falling for the same old rubbish again but which one of us does not want to ‘know’ when our child needs help – which one of us can turn our backs when the ‘oh so believable’ loss of money can be put right by us.
It doesn’t matter San if we tell ourselves a thousand times, ‘what I am hearing isn’t true – there is always that 1% that says, suppose this time it is true and it is that 1% that keeps us awake at nights.
The brain tumour almost certainly equals the suicide threats but what if………..? Well dear San all his lies have been ‘his’ choice to make. It is ‘his’ threats that have turned him into the boy who, when he cries ‘wolf’, people no longer believe him – and it is only him that can change that.
I am relieved when you say you still the best in everyone because I am the same. I feel that having had the addiction take control my life I ought to be more astute and more doubtful of motives but – why should we be willing to mistrust so easily, surely if this has happened to us then the addiction has won?
What I can do now, that I couldn’t do before, is to walk away faster when my trust is threatened. I know that you have had long periods when you have achieved this too and you can do it again..
Forget beating yourself up, get back to doing what is important, looking after you and supporting your partner through his treatment for cancer.
In the past, all your son’s worries have been overcome, either by the instant method which is you helping him out, or the longer (more frustrating to him) method of sorting himself out. Of course one of these times he might mess up completely and not sort himself out, of course he might get caught on the wrong side of the law – it happens and that is the risk that he takes every time he gambles.
It’s tough San but you have done so well in the past and you can do it again now. Batten down the hatches and keep his addiction out of ‘your’ life. He can change but it doesn’t appear that your son is prepared to make the effort as long as the easy options are there for him.
Look after yourself
V

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Hi Thawley
I am so sorry, I am still unclear. Do you know he is gambling ‘in’ rehab or has he gone through the project and is still gambling?
If it was me and I ‘knew’ he was gambling in rehab, I would inform the support workers because it not only disrupts him but it disrupts others too. It would be naïve, I think, to suggest that occasionally a CG will gamble, if he can, even while on the project because of the very nature of the addiction. However I believe it is in the interests of all, including and primarily your son, to inform those who are supporting him. If they don’t know they can’t help.
I think this makes sense of what you were asking on the F&F Topic forum. If you believe he is gambling on the project then I would suggest it doesn’t help to worry about the reaction of the support workers, they are trained and experienced and very aware of the capabilities of your son’s addiction.
Your husband is right, in a way, he will be found out eventually but if you have knowledge then the sooner the better, in my opinion, for his sake. I hope to ‘meet’ you in the group on Tuesday; it would be great to communicate in real time.
I really do know how this must be tearing you apart but I urge you to remember how you felt last weekend and how it helped. I also lost sleep from looking in the bank accounts and it did me no good whatsoever, we are not born detectives and when this snooping side of us comes out, it tends to play havoc with our minds – never forget how important you are.
I hope this helps
Velvet

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Hi Thawley
This is a positive and upbeat post that was great to read.
I saw your other post in the F&F topic forum. Unfortunately this section of our forum did not travel well when we moved our site recently, its contents disappeared into cyber space and I haven’t got it up and running again, yet. Your post there has left me wondering if there is a reason why you are worrying about something that possibly hasn’t happened yet – or has it? Some CGs who go through the programme do have ups and downs in early recovery but because they have the tools they are better placed to deal with their addiction, many of them however never gamble again. I am sorry you didn’t make the group this evening as we had someone in who has dealt with this very concern.
Keep posting and looking after yourself
Velvet

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