Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Calsteve,
Never simple answers ever with this addiction. I was too familiar with my father’s relapse in memory, when he said he had a gambling problem, really thinking he had finally hit rock bottom, to only be let down again. This went on for years.
I believe there comes a point when you just have to let go trying anymore. You have to be strong enough to let them fail, to experience real hard times and to pick up their pieces and to see what the addiction is. This is so hard do but without real change everything will stay the same. Your son has to wake-up and your words won’t help if you don’t back it up with action.
I didn’t speak to my father for over a year because his addiction to gamble and refusal to see it caused great anxiety to myself and my family. You have to set the tone and don’t sway. Just remember whatever you say you must stand firm with or the addiction will see you are easy.
You will always love your son, as I did my father, but I did not love the addiction. I separated it from my father, however there have been times when I just couldn’t when my father was in too deep with gambling and in that case I kept my distance.
In the end I hardly acknowledged the addiction to my father, he knew it was never welcomed, so he either figured how to get what he needed, or he didn’t, but he didn’t ask me anymore.
TwilightIt seems that Nguyen had you the moment she laid eyes on you. She swept you away with her sexiness, gorgeousness and directness. Qualities that clearly excites you. She is no stranger to relationships. I am only commenting on the back story you have provided and as an outsider and child of a compulsive gambler, who knows the ins and outs of this awful addiction.
It won’t be long when you will be faced with the addiction, wanting something because so and so happened. The moment you start caving in and helping just a little, it will want more. No one is above this addiction without proper strategies, always having the mindset that the addiction can quickly pull the carpet from under them.
I personally don’t find it appropriate to even mention s*x on the boards, however you did and it is clearly a factor that has you going . This I am sure you are aware can be part of manipulation. Watch it dwindle when the addiction doesn’t get what it wants.
Many member here have thought, at first like you that you are in control of the addiction but eventually find themselves in very dark places emotionally and financially.I would reread Geordie’s responses as he is spot on. He is a recovering cg and I am on the other side, who is in recovery from a father who is a cg.
Twilight
Hi Anna,
Glad you are here for support as my father is a cg too. Much of what you have shared, mirrored much of what I went through with my father, the damages his gambling did to our family.
I tried to understand the addiction to gamble, trying desperately to help him and get a handle why he was gambling, and seeking what I could do to stop it. However, regardless of my best efforts, he continued to gamble. He continued to take money that was for the family and with each passing year, my mother and I suffered. He had his good side, which I would remind myself whenever he gambled again.
However, years passed and his addiction kept on gaining strength and on the flip side my mother and I kept losing ours.
My parents divorced when I was 18, my mother couldn’t take it anymore. I was devastated but it was for the best.Years again kept passing and he kept gambling. I was his lifeline for help. I kept his gambling a secret from many especially my mother, helping him when he had nothing. Only to see him gamble again and guess what? I became depressed because it seemed every second I was awaiting a call from him needing money or a buddy of his would needed to be paid back. My life started to suffer and through many confrontations with him and his I don’t have a care in the world attitude about his gambling. I finally cut him out. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but for about two years I did not see or speak with him. I did everything to free myself from the addiction. Once I stopped the enablement he had to face the consequences of his gambling. He had to face not having a place to live. He had to face the pennies in his pocket. He had to face that his gambling was sucking everything good in his life. He had to face his actions. He had to face not having his daughter or grandchildren in his life. He had to face the hard facts.
I don’t believe in enabling an addict. However, I do believe you can love them. There is a big difference between enabling and loving an addict. Giving in to any demands of an addict is the addictions greatest reward. It never helps.
I wish you well.
Twilight
Wow, first I will say you have come a long way. You are clearly foolproof, sensing quickly that there is something not right in this picture. He is hiding something and it can be one of his addictions. Doubts should not be ignored even if you don’t know why, they are protecting you. It seems when the cg is at the time of desperation of not having much they risk big and get themselves in a hole, like your ex. He is trying to wiggle his way back, hoping you will give in. Since he is being nice, hoping you will cave in to the victim card. Tough times don’t last, but tough people do. So he has to man up.
I would not not enable him in anyway, that contributes to his gambling. No giving money or helping our with the car insurance. If he can’t pay, its not your problem and may he suffer the consequence. Unfortunately, the cg plays with the heartstrings and I feel that is what he is doing. Don’t feel sorry for him. I would just say, that he has to take care of his issues and that you cannot help. As you said, “…this addiction and his lies and deceit are not my problem anymore…” This mentality is what got you to this place in your life, so stick with the plan.XXX Twilight
Hi Katie,
What struck me about your post is when you said I don’t want to break the family. I thought the same way long ago when I was struggling with my father’s addiction. I kept on pushing the ugly of the addiction aside, and kept focused on the good man I always thought of him front and center. I would find happiness in knowing that he is a good person, underneath the ugly selfish addiction. I did this for many years. However, this pressure almost destroyed me, because his addiction was very much part of him. As the years slipped, he became so dedicated to it, that the high marks I had for him were gone. His gambling took any goodness he had left and I was left with a father that almost destroyed me financially.
I am not saying to walk out the door and slam it on your husband but I am saying that you need to do for you and your children. Like Velvet has suggested take walks, notice nature and enjoy the time with your children. Its when you do this you build strength and start to see clearly and you let go of things you cannot control. Just know that things will not get better just having a blind eye, they will get worst and you will find yourself in the darkest times of your life. Unfortunately there will be lots of hurtles to jump and some will kick you to the core of your emotions. However the support here will guide you. Eventually you will have strategies to help you when dealing with a selfish addiction.
There is absolutely nothing you can do to stop your husband from gambling. He has got to want this. Even if he says he wants to he has to commit himself to doing so, a gamble here and there is not acceptance regardless of how small. The only person you can change is yourself. You don’t need to make rash decisions now but you should start thinking about what is best for you and your children.Take care,
TwilightSomewhere along the way when our parent is an addict we reverse roles; we do what they should do, thinking it is the right thing to do but it isn’t.
You are protecting your father’s addiction by taking on the responsibity of finding a way to pay this loan that he gambled off, so your mom won’t find out. I did the same thing co signing a loan but in the end, she found out and regardless of how upset she was at my father, she felt sad that I couldn’t go to her. If you don’t tell her, you father will keep on asking you for favors until he really gets you in a bind. Why not let the secret out? It is not for you to keep or feel guilty about. Your father’s addiction is being very selfish, looking out for its self so it can gamble.
Didn’t you say to your dad that you would tell your mum if he didn’t pay his loan? Well it’s time that you follow through with your words. It is the only way you will get anywhere with this addiction.
Twilight
Shelly,
There is never a quick, right answer to fixing or dealing with a situation as living with an active cg. There is nothing you can say to him that will change him. Acceptance of that truth will turn everything back on you. What are you going to do for you and your son?
Start getting help for yourself, the nervousness and stress you are feeling on a daily basis isn’t normal. I felt the same way with my father; every phone ring, or unexpected knock on the door or letter sent to my house with his name, overwhelmed me with panic. I felt trapped, in many ways because he was my father, secondly I knew he was’t thinking normally with his gambling. Always downplaying it, always protecting it when I would confront him about it. He never would see what was really happening to him. However I was, and that filled me with constant worry. I was at the end of my rope, not being able to enjoy life, always fearful of the next blow by my father’s addiction.
This started to change when I found GT, I not only posted often here but I read other threads. Look up threads by “Jilly1”. I was in active recovery for four years and through it, I received the support I needed to finally live a normal and healthy life.
Recovery takes time, but once you truly start, you are setting the tone for positive changes for not just you but your son.
Take care,
Twilight
Hi JDS,
At first you think there is no possible way you will ever forgive your father, however you will see that being able to forgive will come as you progress in your recovery. It will let you let go of all the hurt feelings, though it does not mean you will no longer be emotional about it, because I still cry when I think of the past. But it is a different feeling, it is one of wishing things would have turned out differently for him but not me. I have no hate or ill feelings toward my father and you won’t either.
The addiction doesn’t care that you are unemployed or struggling or that it owes you money. If it could it would wipe out whatever money you still have in your pockets and bank account. It doesn’t care you might even become homeless.
This addiction is controlling your father and he is listening to it. So don’t worry yourself about why your father doesn’t care much to your hardships. His mind is deep in his gambling, your words don’t mean much. If you want him to listen, your actions are the only thing that he will understand. It is good that you are in recovery because things only get worst with an active cg. Let go of the idea that you can change him or shock him with words. Again it is your action. Don’t let ideas of what others think to be true alter your decision making either. I would be rich if I had a $1.00 for every, “But he is your father,” line given to me, in the years of estrangement away from my father.
What is happening to you with your father is serious and can destroy your life if you don’t create a plan of action where you put yourself first.
All of this takes time, years to accomplish but as long as you stay true to your recovery and apply the strategies that have worked to many of us here, and don’t get pulled in by the addiction to enable, you are on your way to a happy and meaningful life.
Take care,
Twilight
I sense that you are well on your way to recovery. In tragtds to the money your dad owes you I would consider it lost money. I wouldn’t even bother trying to get him to pay it. It will only bring more unhappiness when he doesn’t, I suppose it will be a hard lesson but one you have learned.
You are still very young to put this behind you. Seeing a counselor will help you sort your feelings out. Yet return to this site as often as you can for more support. Go back and read other thread as from years ago .
Wishing you all the best.
Twilight
Hi JDS,
It’s so good that you are asking questions, trying to get knowledgeable about your father’s gambling addiction.
I did the same about five years ago. To give you a little insight, and hopefully relief that things can change for the better. I want to express it was the support and help that I received here, through my threads and others, and attending virtual groups with Velvet and others that I was able to become stronger, with this also came self respect; finally standing up against my father’s ruthless and selfish addiction.
Yet in the same breath, I will say it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But I am now living a very happy life. It’s as normal as it can be, the one I imagined living when I was repeatedly taunted for over 20 years.
Your father will say or do anything to get you on his side. His addiction will cuddle you, making you feel special, for the sake of getting what it wants. But watch out if you don’t help, if you don’t give in. Then the addiction changes tactics and demands and lays on the guilt, bringing in the but I am your father card, trying it’s harder to pull on your heart strings.
When you wrote that your father said for you not to tell your mom about helping him financially, he did so because he knew your mother would be upset. But he twisted it to look otherwise. My father did the same thing asking me to co-sign a loan and because I trusted him I did. In the end he never paid it back and I was left with a $50.000 loan that I had to pay. I learned the hard way and hopefully you have learned to never give him money again. He is the adult, if he can gamble then he sure can afford what he needs. No parent should be asking their child for financial help, there may be a few instances. Gambling or anything other addiction is not a legit reason.
I learned through my recovery that tough love was the only way I was going to get out of the mess I was in with my father. He would not listen to reason, or if he acted like he did he would go back to his old ways. I learned that he needed to take accountability and I was not his go to person for enablement. I’m sure you are thinking this must have all came naturally to me but it didn’t. I often felt like a little hopeless girl alone because I didn’t involve my mother because I didn’t want her to take matters in her own hands. In the end when I was finally free. I told her what I went through for many years
and she said she wished I would have told her and that she wouldn’t have done what I thought. You write that you are not close to your mom and I feel your dad may be using this in his favor to pull you in and manipulate you, to use your kindness for his benefit. This addiction likes to isolate it’s enabler. I would talk to her. I’m sure she wouldn’t be surprised.Your recovery is what is important. Just remember every time you give in to your father you are giving to an addiction that is getting stronger by the day.
Have you thought about putting some distance between you and him? If you want to change your life you must change it.
Take care,
Twilight
Hi JDS,
It’s so good that you are asking questions, trying to get knowledgeable about your father’s gambling addiction.
I did the same about five years ago. To give you a little insight, and hopefully relief that things can change for the better. I want to express it was the support and help that I received here, through my threads and others, and attending virtual groups with Velvet and others that I was able to become stronger, with this also came self respect; finally standing up against my father’s ruthless and selfish addiction.
Yet in the same breath, I will say it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But I am now living a very happy life. It’s as normal as it can be, the one I imagined living when I was repeatedly taunted for over 20 years.
Your father will say or do anything to get you on his side. His addiction will cuddle you, making you feel special, for the sake of getting what it wants. But watch out if you don’t help, if you don’t give in. Then the addiction changes tactics and demands and lays on the guilt, bringing in the but I am your father card, trying it’s harder to pull on your heart strings.
When you wrote that your father said for you not to tell your mom about helping him financially, he did so because he knew your mother would be upset. But he twisted it to look otherwise. My father did the same thing asking me to co-sign a loan and because I trusted him I did. In the end he never paid it back and I was left with a $50.000 loan that I had to pay. I learned the hard way and hopefully you have learned to never give him money again. He is the adult, if he can gamble then he sure can afford what he needs. No parent should be asking their child for financial help, there may be a few instances. Gambling or anything other addiction is not a legit reason.
I learned through my recovery that tough love was the only way I was going to get out of the mess I was in with my father. He would not listen to reason, or if he acted like he did he would go back to his old ways. I learned that he needed to take accountability and I was not his go to person for enablement. I’m sure you are thinking this must have all came naturally to me but it didn’t. I often felt like a little hopeless girl alone because I didn’t involve my mother because I didn’t want her to take matters in her own hands. In the end when I was finally free. I told her what I went through for many years
and she said she wished I would have told her and that she wouldn’t have done what I thought. You write that you are not close to your mom and I feel your dad may be using this in his favor to pull you in and manipulate you, to use your kindness for his benefit. This addiction likes to isolate it’s enabler. I would talk to her. I’m sure she wouldn’t be surprised.Your recovery is what is important. Just remember every time you give in to your father you are giving to an addiction that is getting stronger by the day.
Have you thought about putting some distance between you and him? If you want to change your life you must change it.
Take care,
Twilight
Dear DD,
Welcome to GT, I hope you feel a bit more settled from the responses you have received so far and by reading threads of others here who are suffering from addiction in their families.
The more you read and respond, you’ll find that you can manage, applying strategies from others here.I too am a child of a CG. In my case, it’s my father. His addiction made my life unbearable for decades and it wasn’t until I stopped enabling him that my life started to get better. However, just as life there will always be bumps in the road, as well as detours but the key is how you chose to react to these setbacks.
I also wrote a letter to my father. I sent it to him registered mail and he didn’t even acknowledge receiving it until I asked him about it. He then became very hostile, shifting the blame on me saying how dare I write him such a letter. I thought it would be a wake-up call but it wasn’t. In the letter I had written actions I would take, ones that are not in my nature but necessary. I learned early on that if you are going to make a claim you better follow through or the addiction will never take you seriously. My point is to follow through with whatever you say, don’t buy into excuses or sad stories, even though they may seem plausible. You have to show strength against this addiction because it will not rest.
A strategy that allowed me to have a relationship with my CG father was to separate the addiction from him. I was able to put the hurt and anger towards his gambling aside, only acknowledging the father I knew and loved not the addiction.
However when the beast would come out, I would stand firm against it, not giving in. I just kept my stance. I know how hard this can be but I kept reminding myself, that I was doing this for him. I was doing this for him to see how the addiction was ruining his life and I wasn’t going to support his decision to keep gambling. However I will warn you that there were times when separating the addiction from your mom may not be possible. In this case I would just pull back.
I can already see from your posts that you do have a good sense of this addiction and already have implemented good strategies. Just don’t get swayed by the addiction’s charm either, don’t give it any room to pull you in. When you stand tall against this addiction, you are also protecting your mother.
I too wish your well and feel free to ask any questions you may have.
Twlight
Hi Jenny,
Hope you are feeling better today. I just read your thread and I must say I felt pulled back in the past of how things were with my cg father. It was a constant one step forward, then two steps back, rocky relationship, because I struggled with the “but he is my father” guilt trip holding me back. And because of it I let years pass, looking the other way hoping he would stop gambling.
As you wrote, ” I wish my ex could have been the guy that I spoke about earlier who saved his marriage and got his wife and kids back.” I, too, desperately wished my father was one of the father’s that finally committed to his recovery, and not just said it because he got in a financial jam or got caught, because I was going to be there for him. I was going to be the one to help him finally kick this addiction out of water. But sadly he wasn’t. He wanted no part of recovery.This realization ripped my heart into million pieces, but surprisingly it was my wake-up call, or what I like to call now my saving grace. I had to change; it was me that had to make my break. I knew I had to stay on the yellow brick road of recovery, it wasn’t easy, there were plenty of hiccups and bumps on the road, and many times where I cried myself to sleep feeling utter helplessness and stricken with stomach sick anxiety, but I stayed on my path. I couldn’t let the addiction take anymore of me.
I feel you are doing the same thing as you continue to walk on your own road of recovery; you did all you could and more. If you feel like crying do so; I have shed so many tears of hurt and pain that I believe were aching to come out, trapped. Whatever you are feeling now, embrace it and let yourself continue to heal. Be kind to yourself. I like to think that the best is yet to come, and I feel this is the case for you and your children.
Take care,
Twilight
Hi Bill,
A big welcome to you, this site will help you get on the road to recovery. Letting go of the idea that there is something one can do to cure a person from gambling is the first step.
However, we can control how we react when a loved one complusively gambles, that’s the hard part, and whether we realize it or not we can give mixed messages. The best practice is not to enable with money period, even if your intentions were not to stress your father about not having enough money in the account. Doing so just prolongs the inevitable; another gambling episode and state of panic for you and your mother, and the cg is off the hook once again for their choice to gamble. If your mother starts screaming, demanding and even threatens her life, just walk away. Do not engage with any type of craziness; its the addictions attempt to get you to cave in. If she ever threatens suicide, you can have her committed for an evaluation. How old is your mother?
My father is a cg, and has been for most of my life. His addiction eventually took everything from him, he lost his house, first his business, then his job to another employer, he became homeless sleeping in his car, and eventually he lost his mind/dementia.
Eventually he didn’t even hide his gambling saying it was his right to do with his money what wanted (never acknowledging his debt or the loads of money he owed me). I had to remain strong. I only helped what he couldn’t gamble away, like food and clothes. I was there for him as a daughter, but I was not his bail out person anymore. Thinking back, he didn’t call as much because he knew I wouldn’t give him money.
If only there was a cure or magic pill to wipe out this addiction from our loved ones, so we can have the ones we love back to normal. Now that you are getting familiar with the addiction to gamble, you must place your barriers against it, remembering that the ball is always in your court. Your recovery will take you to places that you never thought you would travel, just keep your sights on the road. There will be hiccups and slips on your part, after all you are only human. Hopefully your mother will get the helps she needs, admitting to her addiction is a huge step in the right direction. However, she has to back it up with her own plan; which includes not having access to money, banning herself from casinos, etc. Just saying it and not doing anything about it, in my opinion hardly holds weight.Remember you have the power to break through this addiction and not be a prisoner to it, and hopefully your mother will fall suit.
Take care,
Twilight
Hi Heatherly,
Hope you are still hanging around the forums reading. Reading the threads of others will start the healing process, seeing how many suffer like you, so you can start your own recovery.
Fear can be quite paralyzing as you have written, making one want to jump out of our skins, yet once it is faced head on with utter conviction, you’ll be amazed how empowering it is, and how you underestimated yourself. It is also an important part of recovery, showing that you are not alright with the addiction calling the shots anymore and standing firm against it.
This takes me to you as a person, living in another person’s rage and moodiness, regardless of addiction is no way to live. There is no reason for you to be walking on eggshells around anyone, regardless if you are seas away from family or just a block away. That is a clear sign that you are not being yourself and that the relationship is not healthy.
Your husband’s refusal of treatment, makes it very important that you seek your own. If not, your dire situation will only get worst, as your husband’s addiction will grow stronger, clouding his mind whispering sweet nothings in his ear so he can gamble more. Start protecting your join accounts, how about splitting them for now?
I felt all the emotions, you described years ago with my cg father. It was when I started my journey here on GT, that was I able to find myself, then trust and love myself again. I was a wreak torn many times of what to do, however I learned quick not to enable. This was my biggest shield against the addiction.
There is no easy fix here, trail and error were my friends. But their lessons were what eventually made me steadfast and in the end I blew my father’s addiction out of the water and start living a life that I once only dreamed about. There is now priceless peace and normacly in my life that let’s me sleep at night and my heart no longer beats like mad when I receive an unknown call.
Start looking after you, do what you can. Start small, don’t worry about your husband. Do things that make you happy, it is time you start living for you.Twilight
Twilight