[tryingtodoing17]

Day 3 culminated with my first GA session.
Trepidations were allayed and I am increasingly embracing my reality – it helps that the group members were nice and I know now that they are my new extended family. The road to recovery these past few days has helped me to now fully reconcile the dream world of the compulsive gambler that has for so long clouded my judgment and that it is no longer in control of my fate – I am. But at the same time, the arrogance that kept me in the dream world has subsided and I am under no illusion that the road to recovery is long and never ending. My commitment and application to recovery must remain…today and always.
Feelings of guilt continue to surface but I am fighting them and trying to not let them manifest nor impact my judgement or interactions.
Day 4 has been busy with family commitments and job applications – I did not really get to set my goals for the day due to the whirlwind start but it has been a constructive day nonetheless.
Unemployment is increasingly frustrating and adding to the sense of worthlessness – but I know it will take time. I must remain patient and continue to exercise my mind and spirituality – one day at a time.
Finances remain surrendered and exclusions now in place – another day of winning…in my new real world.

[tryingtodoing17]

Day 2 was constructive.
Kept myself busy: progressed exclusions and job applications as planned, and spent some good quality time with my wife and parents.
Day ended with a good group chat too, and hysterical laughter rather than tears for a change.
Haunting flashbacks remain, which I am beginning to think will never go away…and that’s ok as maybe part of remission should be to never forget, with the painful memories driving me to stay on course.
Finances remain surrendered and under control – so another day of winning.

Day 3 started with another good talk with my wife – who continues to amaze me – and starting to formulate 90-day goals. The key indeed is to keep it simple.
Some bad news thereafter with a knock back on a job application that was looking promising. But I have to stay positive and persevere – the right job is out there and waiting.
Plan for today is to continue applications for both primary job and a 2nd part time job (to keep me busy/honest/humble and supplement income), ongoing general admin, and attend my first GA meeting. Feeling slightly anxious about this. So far, apart from with my family, all of my interaction on this has been remote. I will now be facing people and with them my reality even more closely. But I know I have to do this and will have to keep doing this – one day at a time.

[tryingtodoing17]

thank you 🙂 but hope i don’t burst out laughing next time i see someone in their chair – will let you know if i do!!

[tryingtodoing17]

Stay strong Jen. The thoughts will remain…but we have to keep fighting them. I am trying now more than ever to refocus on what matters when I feel weak – my faith and my family. And then distract myself. And as you know, surrender all control…so the weakness can not take over. There are many similarities in our experiences. Now lets stay strong for a full recovery – I know you can do it.

[tryingtodoing17]

Thanks Jen for your support. 

I have read many of your own posts and appreciate your story too.

Surrendering financial control is actually simpler than we believe it is.

My finances are complex. Mutiple out goings. Debt management plans. I made this the reason for not surrendering contro in the pastl. But that is another falsehood.

If I can manage my finances, then why can’t someone else? Especially if they are more prudent than me.

So you need some one you can fully trust and depend on – a close loved one. 

For me, it’s my wife and parents – I am lucky to have them.

Let them manage your finances, hold all cards and passswords – and provide you with the daily allowance you need. It has to be this way for me.

Also, I think a big part of it, for me anyway, is surendring the false pride and ego – I had to accept my shortcomings. And I have and am ok with it. Doing this can help me to focus on rebuilding the good things.

Good luck – and I will pray for you too

[tryingtodoing17]

Thanks Steve – we are and will be working on this together.
So this is now Day 2 – and I am committing to maintaining a journal.
Day 1 was a mix of highs and lows.
Hysterical crying fits and depression were fought off with actions and communication.
I know from my own weakness over the past seven years – through false promises and attempts to stop, overtaken by constant scheming and lies – that the only way I am going to beat this is through surrendering control and being helped. I am no longer arrogant to think I can do this alone. And no longer do I feel alone. For the first time in years, I know I am loved and truly blessed.
I have surrendered all control of my finances to my family, and will live on strict allowances as needed…for the rest of my life – it has to be this extreme, I know this is the only way. No more access. From my own experience, I know that if I do not have money then there is nothing I can lose. The fear of losing is now for the first time presiding over the false hope of ‘winning’. But not just the financial loss, but the fear of losing my wife and family. I know this will take strength, not just from me but from my family, but this is the only way. Day 1 spend = 0. My first day of really ‘winning’. I have also started the process of self exclusion, with some already confirmed and others on the way. This provides the second level of control. I will never step into or log into a casino again – I now believe it…more so knowing that I physically cannot or do not have any money to go with. I urge any of you under such pressures to take similar measures of control to safeguard against relapses. For the first time in forever, I have started communicating. The transparency is upsetting but I know this will help me and my loved ones to rebuild.
Counselling sessions have been planned, which will help me understand the scale of the battle ahead. I am applying for jobs. Financially, I lost in half a decade what I built in a decade. Emotionally, I lost more. I know it will be slow and hard, with lows along the way, but I will recover. I know I can build it back and more. I will fight. I will save my marriage and my life. I will make my wife, my family and me proud again. I now accept I can’t give them or have the life I could have – but I still want a happy life with them, day by day, starting with today.
The plan is to progress exclusions, job applications and general admin today -and spend time with my family. There is a lot to do on Day 2.

[tryingtodoing17]

yes, i am going to a GA meeting this week and am looking into therapy programs too. will check out the books you have suggested. yes i do believe in more. my faith and family are now keeping me going. the lows are tough but i hope i can get better – i have to. thanks again

[Author]

Posts