[trinitysky]

Can’t believe it’s been almost a year since I last posted in this this “journal”. I was doing some soul searching here lately and thinking a lot about what I’ve been through, made me think of course of the darkest time in my life. So…. here I am to once again push for all of you to do whatever it takes to get away from the gambling world. It’s been so long since I last stepped foot in a casino (slot machines were my poison), that’s hard for me to even attempt to understand the pull of it. I do, however, remember days/nights spent in the casinos. I remember spending so much time in them that I would go home and fall asleep to the sound of the slot machines still dinging in my head. The horrible smell of all the cigarette smoked caked all over me, and I don’t smoke but for some reason I felt the undying need to place myself in that environment every day. That’s how bad I was, I went EVERY SINGLE DAY!! It’s getting closer now to the three year mark and I’m still going strong. I work in a factory now and I work around a lot of gamblers but I can honestly say that hearing them all talk about their trips to the casino only makes me feel scared for them. Scared they may cross that line and never be able to turn back. I still never think of going. I have such a long way to go before all of my debt is paid back and I’ve been through so much because of the addiction that I hate even the thought of a casino. I have thankfully started to rebuild some bridges that I thought for sure were gone forever. I hurt a lot of people but forgiveness is a beautiful thing when you have the courage to allow it into your heart. People I was sure would never speak to me again are starting to come around. It’s taken me two years to get here, jail, 57,000 dollars in fines, fees, and restitution, heartbreak, embarrassment, loss, grief, and a whole lot of demoralization but I’m here. I’m alive and stronger than ever.
Take a look at your life. Take a look at who you were before you started gambling and who you are now. I know the grip it has on you. I know that feeling of complete helplessness. I know that no matter how hard you try it seems you lose the battle every day to this horrible disease. I also know that there is hope, there is a way to get away. Everyone is different. It took hitting the bottom of all bottoms for me to get away and I pray each and every day that none of you have to get to that point. But I am proof that there is life after gambling. There is life after hitting bottom. There’s a better, fuller, happier, less stressful life after it all. Starting right now remember who you were and set your sights on being that person, only a bit wiser for the wear. Focus on today and today alone. Get through it without gambling and congratulate yourself at the end of every day that you don’t gamble. Buy a calendar and pencil in a schedule every day. Make sure you fill every minute of that day. New hobbies, new adventures, new friends… just fill it. Stay so busy and get so wrapped up in just living that the thought of gambling never enters your mind. It can be done and it only gets easier with every passing day. There is a passage from the bible that got me through every step of the horrifying court battle that I went through for a year of my life, I’ll share it and hope it can least help someone else.
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”

[trinitysky]

Been a while since I’ve posted but I wanted to fill everyone in. It has officially been just over two years since I last gambled, Yay!!!! I am here to tell you it gets easier with every passing day. I think I may be one of the lucky ones. After my ordeal, going to jail and all, I truly don’t ever think about gambling. Well that’s a lie, I think about it but in a totally different way. When I think about “it” it’s not about going or the desire to play it’s about how much of my life was wasted in the act. How much I lost and am still losing because of it. looking back it’s strange, I truly don’t recognize that person that I was. It seems like it was all just a bad nightmare. I know, of course, that it wasn’t. It was very real! Heartbreaking, sobering, and humbling in it’s own way. I’m still struggling to rebuild my life, it’s going to take years to come back from the financial end of it all and even longer to mend bridges, but I’ll do it. I’m determined to do what it takes.
I encourage anyone who is struggling with gambling to just keep trying. I can contest to the one day at a time, I now have that tattooed literally on my body. It really does work and with every day that you successfully stay away from gambling it only gets easier. you really do need to find new hobbies, maybe pick up a few old ones that you left behind. Fill the time and your thoughts with life and you’ll get there. ..
Till next time “one day, one step, one breath at a time”!!!

[trinitysky]

I realize it’s been months since I’ve been on here and a lot has changed. I finally got the internet so I’m back here for good.
Where to start……
Let’s see, when I left off here I had moved back home and was dealing with car problems waiting for my final court date. So the car troubles never ended, my car was complete toast. I met an amazing man at my new job and now …. I’M ENGAGED!!! My ex, the one that forced me to move and pretty much chose everyone over me was very upset when he found out that I moved on and he tried getting back with me. Turns out everyone was right on here. I don’t want someone who would be so willing to give up on me and run. I found someone who was willing to love me and stand beside me at the worst time in my life. There is nothing that compares to that feeling and he proposed at the worst time ever.
I went to my last court date March 3 and was senctenced to 60 days in jail. I got a trustee position my first night in so with all of my “good days” and the trustee time taken off I actually only did 30 days in jail. It was definitely an experience. One that I never want to repeat but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. While I was in jail my fiance, will never get used to that term, found me a good job and handled everything for me that I couldn’t from jail. It’s like I’ve completely started a whole new life. New home, new job, I sold my car since it was junk so eventually a new vehicle is in the mix, and I’ve left a lot of friends behind. In the end I think this is what I needed. It’s horrible that it took something so major, like embezzlement, to get my life on track but it did. I struggle, still, every day for different reasons and I get down on myself often for the choices that I’ve made and those I’ve left behind but things are coming along.
There’s much more to tell and I’m sure I’ll get to it but for now I’ll leave it at this..

[trinitysky]

Well it’s been almost a week exactly since I moved back to my moms… I absolutely hate it there. Words can never describe how much I hate it there. I’ve pretty much accepted it though and I’m done fighting the things that I have no control over. I’m learning the true meaning of accepting the things I cannot change. Right now my life is full of things I have no control over. I feel much stronger than I did a week ago though. I am more determined than ever to come out of this stronger and a much better, self reliant person. I will never allow myself to be in a position like this again. I still haven’t gambled… hasn’t even crossed my mind. That person that used to gamble almost every day, I can’t relate to. I don’t know who that was but I do know I never want to go back there again. I lost myself in something so stupid, something that in the end only caused problems for me. The job is going ok. I was offered a full time position two days ago. I’m not really crazy about it since it’s the night shift but right now I can’t afford to be picky and I should be incredibly proud. There are several employees that have been there longer than me that want the full time position. So I’ll count it as a blessing and deal with it for now. I’m going to continue to look for something different. Something that pays more. For now though, this will work.
My car broke down this week. In the middle of a blizzard and then today I’ve been borrowing my moms and hers broke down on me too. I have the worst luck ever. Oh well can’t change any of that. Gotta love it…

[trinitysky]

Well tomorrow is moving day.. I’ve made the decision to move in with my mother. As much as I hate the idea of going back to that life and dealing with that situation again it’s something I must do for now. I will not be moving in with the coworker I mentioned. I do believe he was just trying to help, after hearing about my situation, but I definitely don’t need any more conflict or drama in my life. Besides, if I can manage to get another job or get bumped to full time at my current job, I may have a place of my own… at least for a few months. There is just so much going on in my life right now. My mind is a major mess.
I’m extremely conflicted about tomorrow. I hate the idea of moving out of the house that I thought was my home even though I know I’m not wanted here any more. I hate the idea of sleeping in a bed alone and I know I’ll be constantly wondering what my ex is doing but I have also accepted that I can’t change or control anyone but myself. I finally have accepted that and I will not beg anyone to love me or want to be with me. Reading the posts that I posted the past week and a half sickens me. It’s not me, those do not represent the person I am. I can’t believe I let myself stoop so low, become so desperate. I was just so damn hurt and upset over everything that I felt like I was losing everything… if that makes sense.
It’s horrifying, the things love can do to you and make you do.. I let you know how it goes. Thanks Carole and Monique

[trinitysky]

I started packing today, it was hard but I got through it. I’ve been putting it off just hoping that things would change. The “he” would change his mind. I can’t wait any longer. I get paid in two days and that was the agreement.
I’m done sitting around feeling sorry for myself and feeling so pathetic. I’m done feeling like a I have to beg someone to love me. This is not me or the kind of person I want to be.
In a way I think you were all correct. I have sort of lost myself in this relationship. Not completely but I always had the mindset that this was about us, not me. That, when we moved in together and made that commitment we joined our lives into one. This will not change, I have always believed this but I realize now that he wasn’t thinking the same way or if he was he never knew how to show it. I can’t believe after everything that has happened that he is choosing to run. Abandon ship so to speak because there is a storm brewing. This is the time he should be holding me closer, helping me through this tough time. I know that it’s natural for him to have doubts and concerns but if he truly loved me that love would be stronger than all of those things. I still love him very much, still pray every day that we come out of this mess together and closer than ever but I can’t sit around and wait on that dream forever. I have to focus right now on my legal issues. On repairing that aspect of my life. I had hoped he’d be there to help me through all of that but it’s time to put on the big girl pants and handle it on my own. I’ve been attending my meetings, working (even if it is only part time right now) and I haven’t gambled at all, not even a lottery ticket.
I’m supposed to move in two days and I have no place to go, no idea what to do and I keep falling back on the friend from work that offered me a room. I can’t go to my moms. I was just there yesterday trying to visualize moving back there, where I would sleep and how it would work… truth is it wont work. There are six people living in that three bedroom house. Granted three of them are very young children but I can’t go back to that. I can’t live like that, it will for sure push me back into a bad direction. I’ve tried several of my friends and they don’t have room either. So again, I’m back to the coworker. I know things could go wrong but right now it seems to be the only choice I have. We have a lot in common and have agreed that we will keep it just a friendship. I told him the whole situation and he just seems like he genuinely understands what I’m dealing with and wants to help. Might only be a temporary fix anyways. He lives out of state, if I get put on probation for this mess I wont be able to live out of the state I got into trouble in. But at least for now I’d have a roof over my head and not have to stress so much.
I’ll keep ya’ll posted

[trinitysky]

well I haven’t been on here much lately… Too much going on. I truly am not sure how much more I can take. My uncle went into the hospital tonight. He’s currently hooked up to life support and they will be pulling it tomorrow, per his wishes. I guess the only blessing in all of this is my grandmother is so out of it from her dementia that she isn’t aware that another child of hers is going to beat her to the grave. It’s one hit after another at this time of year of all things. I truly understand now, how and why it is so many people decide to end it after an addiction like this.
I have no idea where I stand with the boyfriend.. ex.. whatever he is. Things have only appeared to get worse between us. He’s so distant and cold now that its hard to believe him when he says he loves me and hasn’t given up. I’m quickly becoming very bitter and angry over all of this. I feel like over the past few days I haven’t seen him at all. He wen’t to a wedding yesterday that I was originally supposed to go with him to. He stayed away all night because he got too drunk to drive home. That one night alone without him almost killed me. How can you love someone so much when they just seem to want to give up on you? I just feel so hurt, disappointed, and abandoned.
The job is going well. I’m good at it and have met a lot of great new people. One guy in particular has become a good friend. He recently went through a divorce, which he didn’t want so we are at similar crossroads. I’ve explained my whole situation to him and it’s amazing how understanding and forgiving a complete stranger can be. I think he was put in my path to help strengthen me and to show me that not everyone will be as judgmental as my boyfriends family seems to think. It’s nice to have someone to talk to who is outside the situation, who can be completely honest with me. He’s even gone so far as to offer me a room if I need a place to stay. Sometimes people surprise me in such amazing ways.
I’ve been hoping and praying that my boyfriend.. ex.. changes his mind about me moving out but it seems as though this prayer may go unanswered. New Years Eve is coming up, we haven’t even talked about it. I think he’s going to avoid me. Probably made plans already. Who knows. I just hate all of this. I feel myself becoming an empty shell and that’s the last thing I want. I went through this with a past ex. He treated me the same cold distant way. I in turn became a walking empty shell of a person. I just never thought this guy would ever do these things to me. Never in a million years thought he’d ever even consider being so mean, cold, and distant. Sometimes people surprise me in horrible ways too.
Still gamble free, even though our tradition has always been to go to the casino I haven’t thought about it once. If I do it’s only in remembrance of the great times we had in the past and the uncertainty of the this years holiday. I will not spend it sitting in this house alone. The new friend at work invited me to go out with him and his friends. Worse comes to worse that’s what I’ll do.
I’ll keep ya posted..

[trinitysky]

I feel a little more hopeful today. I’m still scared to death about what the future may hold for me and terrified that my boyfriend may not be factored into it.The negative thoughts and fears keep trying to take over. I just keeping telling myself to keep the faith. Believe that God will provide and that he hears my prayers. I had a perfect example of that today.
Just a month ago I was unemployed. Things seemed completely hopeless. I filled out thousands of applications and couldn’t even get a call back. I just kept praying “Lord please bless me with a job, preferably two”. I prayed and prayed and prayed for this. Then I got the cleaning job, that same week I got a call about another job which I was given pending my background check. I started working this cleaning gig and a woman I work with told me about her second job. She said they are looking for another full time person and she could get me the job if I wanted it. Then just today I got a call about another interview. The Lord works is such strange ways. I’ve always been told “ask and ye shall receive” I’m clinging to that right now. I’ve never prayed so much in my life.
I still have no desire to gamble, if anything that is the one good thing that has come out of this. Even at my lowest and most stressed I still don’t think about going to the casino. In the past that would have been the first thing on my mind. I only wish I had learned everything I have before I ever developed this addiction, before it ever got this far. Before all of this I always said if I had one do over, the chance to go back in time and change one thing I would go back to day before my grandfather past. He was in the hospital a day away from coming home and he was on the phone with my grandmother. She asked if I wanted to speak to him (he and I were very close) and I said no I’ll see him tomorrow. Well he died that night. I never got to say goodbye. It haunts me to this day. Now, if I ask myself that same question my answer has changed. I would go back to the first time I ever went to the casino alone. That’s where it all began. After that first time there alone I decided going alone wasn’t all that bad and any time I got the urge I went. If I could go back to any point in my life it would be that one. Then none of this would have happened. I would still have my job, the friendship with the owners that I truly cherished, my security, I wouldn’t be worried about losing my freedom, I wouldn’t be losing my boyfriend and the future we planned together. Amazing how one decision can truly impact the rest of your life. It’s like the domino effect. I just wish I would have known how things would go.
But, we can’t go back we can only grow and learn from our mistakes. I believe with every molecule in my body that my relationship will be fine. I know he is stressed and overwhelmed and not sure how to handle all of this, I can’t blame him for that. I also know he loves me and that we are very happy together. Its going to take time but I have faith that we will fight through this and come out stronger and closer in the end. I pray and pray for this.
Another G.A. meeting tonight. I’m kind of dreading it to be honest. Might ask my friend to go with me.
Thank you, all of you. Your words of encouragement and the friendship I’ve received on this site mean so much to me.

[trinitysky]

Thank you so much everyone, I haven’t been on here because to be honest I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to think any more. I’m so tired. My heart is breaking and I don’t know really how to deal with any thing that is going on.
My Christmas was horrible. I spent all day at “our” house alone. Eventually the pain got the best of me and I took a couple of pills to sleep the day away. I will be moving next weekend, I can’t even think about that right now. The pain is unbearable. To think I could be losing everything I hold dear is an uncontrollable pain. I know that he loves me and I love him so much I just hope he decides in the end that it is enough. Right now I know how much pressure he is under and how stressful all of this is. I know how my addiction has affected him and those around him. And I pray every day that they will all find it in them to forgive me. I know I still have so much to offer and this experience has taught me so much. I’m just not ready to give up on this relationship.

[trinitysky]

thank you for asking, not doing so well actually. Tomorrows Christmas and although I’m still living with the ex I guess is what I will have to resort to calling him, it just doesn’t feel right. I’m going to be here, in this house that we picked out together, alone… on Christmas of all days. I don’t feel any more secure in his “we’re going to try and work this out, I haven’t given up yet” promises. I truly can say I’ve never been this heartbroken before in my life and I’ve been through a lot. I’ve never hurt this much before. Everyone keeps telling me to cut my losses, focus on me, that great things are sure to happen for me but the pain of all of this is so blinding all I see is me losing everything and having to start from the bottom all over again. Thinking about just taking a couple of p.m. pills and sleeping the day away tomorrow..

[trinitysky]

Thank you Carole, I always look forward to your posts… even when they contain things I’d rather not hear. I’m just so tired of hurting, of being let down, and feeling abandoned. I truly just want a little peace and happiness in my life, why does it seem like those are too much to expect? I know that life is hard, nothing worth having is ever easy but enough is enough. I sure hope you are right about the better days ahead but I swear every time I think I’m at the better days point in my life something comes up and I get knocked back into that rabbit whole I’m always referring to. I feel myself becoming so bitter from all of this and that truly is the last thing I want. How do I find it in me to fight the urge to give into the bitterness and still battle this war I’ve found myself in? So many questions so few answers…

[trinitysky]

Woke up really struggling today. If my first check comes in tomorrow I’m supposed to move out. I just cant seem to wrap my head around all of this. Yesterday I seemed so much more relaxed. I felt like this would all turn around, my boyfriend would realize we would be fine and his parents would get over it but today…. well today isn’t going so well. I woke up with all the knots in my stomach again, hating myself for doing this, for allowing this all to happen. How did I ever let it happen? Why didn’t I ask for help? Why didn’t I feel I could tell him I had a problem? Now, because I was so blind and stupid about this all, I have to lose everything. EVERYTHING that means anything to me. Everyone keeps telling me, “he loves you so much, we can all see it and we just know he’s going to change his mind” “his parents will end up pushing him away and he’ll realize that those fears for the future he has isn’t as big of a deal as living without you” I’m just not so sure. I know I can’t make up his mind for him and I really shouldn’t worry about the things I can’t change, as the serenity prayer puts it. But honestly who can actually just sit back and not worry because they know there’s nothing they can do. I’m so hurt and angry, and I’m becoming more and more angry by the minute.

[trinitysky]

I almost forgot to mention that I’m still very much GAMBLE FREE!! Yesterday was officially the three month mark for me

[trinitysky]

Well another g.a. meeting last night. By the time I had gotten there I had been crying for four days straight, hadn’t eaten in that time, and talked everyones head off. This whole situation has been so hard. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and as hard as it may be to accept I can’t control everything and I definitely can’t control anyone. The decision to stay with me or throw in the towel is my boyfriends decision to make. I guess I should probably stop referring to him as my boyfriend until I know what he’s chosen. I know I have a lot left in me to offer. I know I have a great future ahead of me and all those possibilities are still there, they’re just going to take more time to get to. I know my self worth and I wont let this addiction define me. At the very core of me, I’m not a bad person. I’m capable of so many things. As bad as I want my relationship to work, as much as I love him, and as much as I hate myself for this I know that I can and will get through this. I just hope he doesn’t let everyone else control his life forever.
Like a woman at my g.a. meeting put it last night,” if he isn’t willing to stand by you now when you need him most. If he isn’t willing to stick up for you, to push all the worries from his mind to help you in the here and now, and really prove that he loves you then maybe he isn’t the guy you keep telling us he is.” Now of course I know all of this it’s just the pain, the feeling of loss, and being forced to give up something that means so much to you is so overwhelming. He came home last night and told me he closed our joint banking account. Now, we had talked about doing this months ago to protect him because we weren’t sure if they would go after our account knowing my name was on it. It hurt more than I thought. I think because he never even gave me a warning, just did it. I feel like he’s completely erasing any sign of me from him. I almost expected to walk in the door from my meeting and to see all of our pictures off the walls and my bags packed for me. I think I’m swiftly moving from the pain and grieving phase to the angry one. This all just makes me so angry at myself, my situation, my old boss for not at least trying to understand, my boyfriend (gotta find another name for him), and his family. The last thing I want is to be angry especially at him but I can’t help it. How can you tell me for almost three years that you love me, I’m your world, and so on and then be so willing to just throw it away because it isn’t easy. UGHHHHHHHH! I just want to scream and throw things. I’m afraid this is going to make me a bitter angry person. I definitely don’t want that.
I’m scared for him, I afraid that if he gives up now he’ll be giving up the rest of his life on things worth fighting for. He deserves to be happy but if he doesn’t stand up for anything then he never will be.
I just have so much running through my head right now. I’m so stressed out I feel like I’m constantly having a heart attack. The day all of this is over I don’t know how I’ll make it. How do you go from stress and the living the end of the world every day to just having a “normal” day. One without the constant knots and doubt. Hopefully I find out soon 🙂

[trinitysky]

These past three days have been the hardest days of all. I do however, feel a little better right now, in this moment. I have talked my boyfriends head off and we have come to some what of an agreement. We both want this to work. He’s not ready to give up he just needs time and space. I’m going to move for a while, not sure where to or for how long, but I know in my heart I’ll be coming back home at some point. I hope..
I go back to work tomorrow to finish my training. At least thats a positive note. Another positive note I’m still gamble free.
I’m so fearful of how this will turn out. I haven’t cried this much since my grandfather died. I will fix this. I will complete this recovery and I will come out better at the other end. I have to…

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