[Tiki456]

I would love to go into a Resident, but my insurance will not cover it. Also I have absolutely no disability insurance for anything … As far as the money I am going to leave my debit card at home, use my Chase card for purchases at Walmart, Gas and pay that monthly. I have one card that has only 2000 on it the others are basically gone and I just pay monthly because they are lower interest. Thank you for your suggestions.

[Tiki456]

My Holidays haven’ been the same in over ten years. Because I made them unbearable. Escaping has been my answer but not anymore. As far as God hearing my prayers. I don’t think he has quite yet. The crying jags continue non stop at any given time. I see no happiness today but will work on it this week. I have the worst headaches for one month now and honestly don’t feel safe other then laying in the fetal position doing nothing. I know I’m not alone. I know there are hundreds of people fighting addictions all over the world but when they take you by the horns, and leave you in such a state of mind. No one knows.

[Tiki456]

John,

Thank you. I reached out to the Gaming Board to get me banned from these video arcades in Illinois. I received a call from one woman whom we met and shared stories. Everyone has told me don’t carry money, don’t gamble. I have no one but one very selfish brother who has never given me one dime but always finds away to come over and take things out of my house. His wife has never treated me like a sister-n-law and his kids don’t even sent Birthday cards. I explained everything to him and he acted like I’m crazy and told me to go see a good doctor. MY GA meetings are full of people who brag they have been gamble free for ten and twenty years. We are not allowed to talk about money or how much we lost. I really don’ think they give a crap. The other woman I met who had some hardships met me because her company who is a non-profit gambling company whom she is paid by asked her to. When I called or texted her she never got back to me. I picked a sponsor who never called me back and had no clue why my addiction s so hard to beat. I appreciate all the support here and I will come here through this entire mess. I fester over all the money I lost and can’t stop. This year alone I could of gotten a brand new car cash …. I depleted my savings and have no retirement. Now I just want to make it day by day. I will keep paying the bills each month and maybe in some time I’ll see the light. I never in a million years would ever escape to playing stupid video games and putting in hundreds to only know you could win 400.00 dollars. Just escaping and in a trans. I bought the book Addiction By Design and will see if it can help me realize that these machines are made to make you become addicted.
Thanks for letting me share. Tiki.

[Tiki456]

I broke down at one Video Arcade and begged them not to let me in. They told me to order a beer and not pay for it. I lost so much money, and 2 days later I went again and lost a lot of money. I finally think I hit “rock bottom”. I cant stomach looking at all the money I lost and I know I think I finally realized I will never ever get this last eighteen months back. I’ll drive my old beat up car and do without and hate myself for a while until I can learn to forgive myself. I feel as someone has wished this on me. I have a sore throat and not going to GA until after the Holidays. What kind of person goes to GA and gambles after. I need to find a good therapist to see and will search one this coming year. For now the stress headaches and the fact that I dwell over all lost is not helping. The shame will bite me for a very long time. Today I thought there could possibly be no God to allow this to happen to me. I’ve already got one foot in the grave and hoping to keep the other one out. I’m hoping I just don’t have that attitude that 40.00 will win me 500.00 again because what I could of had in my life puzzles me. Savings gone totally. Keep me in your prayers please.

[Tiki456]

I haven’t had more then 3 days clean. I can’t take it anymore … I keep going back and keep losing. If I’m ahead twenty dollars I can’t walk. I am destroying myself further. GA meetings do not help I keep gambling after the meetings.. Today I gambled and broke down and asked the mini-casino video game slot venue to not let me in … That is just one place. I don’t know what I’m doing. I am insane. I can not take it anymore and hopefully will just die soon. I don’t think after going on like this for 2 years and losing everything I will ever recoup. I’m sick to my stomach and tonight I broke down at the casino I begged them not to let me come in. I have to work with the Gaming Board an get myself banned from every video gaming place in Illinois. I reach out and don’t feel people take me for face value and look down on me. I want go get clean I want to move on and get interested in LIFE … Life is missing from me. What am I doing. I pray I don’t wake up. I can’t take it anymore … I am so alone and no one understands. My Holidays are so ruined. Just like for the last 25 years. I pray to God I just die. I really have nothing to live for and this is just insanity. What I did the last 18 months in beyond insanity. I need so much. I want a new life I don’t want this anymore. What kind of meds can help me just stop. It’s not will power anymore. It’s more then that. I am absolutely nuts. I say I am done over and over and now I just want to lay down in the fetal position and cry. I lost everything. I don’t think I could tell anyone anymore they would laugh at me and make fun of me. I don’t want go to work anymore … I really don’t want to be a part of this world. No one gives a crap. I can just keep praying but lost all my faith and hope. I am a total mess. I can’t stop for more then 2 days. I broke down and drove home with mounds of tears. There is so much I have done without. What is wrong with me. I need help serious help and GA is not working. Please pray for me. I need hope. I need serious counseling. I will sleep now and just cry. What else is there to do. My bills are falling apart. I’m a mess. A total mess with no feeling of any happiness. I wish someone would just take me away and commit me. That may be the best. My apartment is a mess. I have no desire to do anything right now. I hope I hit rock bottom. I hope I can turn my life into something positive. I just lost all my faith. Why would God allow me to continue to hurt myself. My car is a junk. I could of bought a new one. My clothes are old. My bedroom has old paint and I have no one. Not one person understands me. I really messed up this time. Please pray for me.

[Tiki456]

Eileen
Your story is so similar and am struggling with the same as many here are. I know how hard it is for you. I gambled today and felt so much remorse. am numb at first and it doesn’t hit me until it is all over. I have a stack of ATM’s for eighteen months and drained every thing I have. I don’t even go to the grocery store anymore. I pray you will feel better tomorrow and keep coming back here. I have to do more reading and understanding myself. This is a great place to start.

Tiki

[Tiki456]

Today I cried. I know a lot of people don’t understand and they don’t get it. Today I’m grateful that I drove straight home. It’s an accomplishment. I will never forget about where I am and where I could be. But maybe learn to accept this better in time. Thank you for acknowledging me and lifting my spirit.

[Tiki456]

Awww thank you. I could write about all my feelings and what this disease has done. Just knowing one person gets what I’m saying means everything. Your amazing to know.

[Tiki456]

Gambling Therapy… Thank you for accepting me the way I am.

[Tiki456]

The people here are kind and amazing. I wish I could feel better. It won’t happen overnight. But I will stay positive. I will get a good nights sleep. Thank you for replying it means so much.

[Tiki456]

I’m hoping my drive from work tomorrow will not allow me to stop and play video casino near my home. I want to say Life is Good, I want to have a nice Christmas and I’m happy to read your posts. In a sense you are lucky you have a family to get you through this. I feel lousy today. I pray my life will turn around.

[Tiki456]

I’m so glad you are here and I hop you know you are not alone. After a 4 day binge and knowing the holidays are around the corner I am safe in my small bedroom, my cup of coffee and reading everyone’s posts. Congrats. You are a survivor…. look forward to reading more.

[Tiki456]

Ray John,
Wishing you a wonderful Sunday, a gamble free day. A nice lunch, or dinner, or a good football game to watch. Wishing you a day of sunshine and blue skies. Gambling got the best of me these last few months and my hair is a wreck and my car is very dirty. But it’s raining here. But I have that box of wonderful hair- dye. I think I will dye my hair and clean out my purse as it has only seen the inside of a casino this last week. It’s a new day for me. It’s day one. It’s a day not to think back about the old. But I will start living the new. No sense of worrying about al the money lost. It’s not mine anymore. I’m a little angry at myself and the whole gaming board, but maybe with time the anger will stop and maybe I will stop the blame game. Think of yourself RayJohn, think of the days ahead and how not gambling will bring rewards, maybe small but certainly significant enough to bring a smile and a change of character to yourself. Keep coming here and keep posting. Wishing you a gamble free day. Your friend in Recovery, Tiki

[Tiki456]

After a bad night that led me to staying out until 2:00 am I have been reading a lot of posts. Maybe this will help me, at least for today. John it’s not your fault. This is a disease and like you my only brother does not understand. He is so afraid I will ask for money he doesn’t answer the phone. I am planning on attending a GA meeting sometime this week and I know that I have to get some clean time because I haven’t had more then 2 days. I have drained everything and am holding on my a piece of thin hair. Your honesty and desire to post means you have a desire to stop. I think everyone who finds on line support groups is in dire strait and need to vent their situation. Keep posting and know that there is help. We will find it together. I pray for today you will not gamble or drink and that your Father will recover fast.

Tiki

[Tiki456]

Dear John,
You are somebody, and you like everyone else is worth the respect. My friend you are not alone. I’m 58 years old and have been gambling since I’ve been 28. My ex-boyfriend introduced me to gambling in the 80’s. My game of choice was slots. I too have played on the internet, while I was in bed, in the casinos, driving hundred of miles so I could play because I self banned myself in my state. It has become my hobby, my life and my numbness for some underlying pain I still don’t know what? I hope you will come back and post and I hope you know that I care and I care about everyone with this illness because that is what it is. There is hope, there are places like this and if we all come together we can help each other find some peace.

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