[SuperstarDJ]

Feeling proud of myself but also low for some reason. Low about all of the money I have wasted over the years. I have let everyone down and myself. The only coping mechanism I have is to say that I will not let anyone down again. The past is in the past.

[SuperstarDJ]

You are right. I have a long way to go to pay off my gambling debts – but it is possible if I keep treating every day as if it is my first. If I bet again I will just lose and be miserable. 

[SuperstarDJ]

Messages like yours mean a lot. I hope you are doing well! 

[SuperstarDJ]

I upgraded my phone the day after my last post and since then I haven’t been able to log in to the site – I wonder if it is just me that had this problem? Anyway I now have a non work-issued laptop at home so it is safe / private for me to log in. I have been keeping my barriers in place although today I have been having pretty strong urges – I think again being driven by stress of work and that old feeling of “115 days, I’ve got this licked now…I can have a bet can’t I?”. The answer is of course no. I’m going to keep posting now I have my laptop as I can’t / mustn’t slip back after all this time.

[SuperstarDJ]

A wet and windy day where I live. Stayed in all day on my own working. Kept really busy. No silly watching racing or looking at odds on my phone. Would like to get to the point where I can do this without thinking every hour or so that I must not, if you see what I mean.

[SuperstarDJ]

Back home. On my own tomorrow so no letting my guard drop. It is as important to stay busy, focused and watchful for triggers as it was on Day 1.

[SuperstarDJ]

I’m travelling with work so it is good to keep my mind occupied. I am feeling good about being a non-gambler. It is much better to fill my mind with productive thoughts rather than destructive ones. I have started to develop an aversion to even being near betting shops – I don’t want to look at them or see them, let alone walk in.

[SuperstarDJ]

Found my mind wandering at work to thoughts of gambling today. If I’m honest these thoughts are still coming quite a lot, not much different to day 1. I wonder if/when they start to fade? I wish I didn’t have them. I’d love to hardwire them out of me forever.

[SuperstarDJ]

A lovely day today. Did some gardening and watched some football. All spent with my family. When I am with them I feel strong and confident about my new life.

[SuperstarDJ]

Had another positive day. Feeling much better after my resolve wobble midweek. Got paid today and did my usual move money into joint account, pay a bit off credit card, make sure I minimise access to free funds. Had a nice meal at home and worked out plan for Saturday.

[SuperstarDJ]

Had a good day today. I so enjoy my life when I don’t gamble. I was walking between offices at work today and not having that constant thought of odds and betting makes me experience and feel the air, the trees, the warmth of the sun, the daylight. I think about things I can do with my family at the weekend rather than what horse race is on or what football match I can “win” money on. It reminds me why I have STOPPED.

[SuperstarDJ]

I just read your other entry and it is really insightful. Keeping posting is so important. I am going to write more not less. I don’t want to gamble ever again. In a way I wish I could bottle the day 1 feeling so I could always remember how abhorrent it is. 

[SuperstarDJ]

i know that feeling so well. I am sorry it happened to you but well done on the progress you have made. I agree you have to focus on the positives. The only way forward that doesn’t lead to misery is to be gamble free. You can do this. Make sure you have really strong barriers

[SuperstarDJ]

I can feel my resolve weakening. I can’t really explain why. I think it is the old “you have proven you won’t gamble for ages now, so you are fine to resume” argument. I know it wouldn’t be fine. I have to keep telling myself the only outcome is LOSING and MISERY.

[SuperstarDJ]

Crisis over at work and I can’t deny that my brain was telling me that a bet would be a suitable reward. I don’t think that has dulled that much since day 1 which is a little disappointing.

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