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You wrote: “obviously im not capable to handle this by my own …”
That is correct. I have never met anyone who was able to stop this behaviour without support from someone else whether that be from family or a support group or a professional like a doctor or a counsellor.
It may worry your parents. It will worry them more when you come up against the inevitable consequences of continuing to gamble – bankrupcy, homelessness, prison, possibly even suicide.
Get help now. Read through the posts in this forum to see what others have done and do the same. Loose access to money, access to gambling sites and find other things to do with your time. And beyond all else get the support you undoubtably need. I wish you well.
Expensive – but you have learnt that gambling in any form is not for you. The important thing now is to know that the money is gone and not to chase it. If you chase you will lose more and you may never get out of the cycle of trying to earn the money to get back to where you were and then losing it the next time you see an opportunity to get rich quick. Just read through some of the stories on here to see how others have come unstuck.
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nThe good news is (it seems) that you are not in debt (apart from the amount owed to your sister,) and that you can earn the money back in a relatively short time of 3 years.
nI know it doesn’t sound like a short time – but in my own case it took me over 20 years to pay back the debt I was in and I only did that by selling my own home. Don’t chase your loss – I have written a thread on this in the “Recovery Tools” part of the forum. It seems to have been deleted – but I have posted it again there – so should be on top now.
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nThe steps you need to take are – first, to ensure you don’t gamble again. So, block yourself off from all sites which offer these schemes and anywhere else where you may gamble. Get someone else (your sister or girlfriend) to handle your finances for you – so that you won’t have the means to gamble. That may mean letting them know what has happened – that is your decision. But I would argue that your sister has a right to know what has happened to her money! Get good support for yourself as soon as possible . Consider contacting a self help group where you are, maybe Gamblers’ Anonymous or something similar (most meetings are on zoom now – see the thread started by Charles here and in the recovery tools forum) and see if you can access counseling through your health provider. Finally keep yourself busy with things other than gambling – but not something else that could become an addiction. Try and pick yourself up from this and enjoy life a little – you will get through this as long as you put an end to the gamble now. I wish you well.I’ve not seen you post for a while nor in group (although I am not there that often myself these days!) so just checking all is well with you. Post again when you can. Take good care!
And sad to hear that you have gambled. I know you can find the strength to get back on the path. I gambled many many times after I had made the first decision to quit.
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nLook at what led to you gambling (it sounds like wanting to be like your friends – who don’t have the problem) and learn from it. Redouble you efforts, ensure all your bans are in place, lose access to money and time and above all get the support you need. GA meetings are on zoom now – Charles has started a thread on this above – or talk to your college about counselling. I wish you well.I hope you can find that courage soon. I am sure you will get good support at GA and if you can tell your husband, he may find support both from the “families and Friends” part of this site and from GAMANON the associative programme to GA. The other positive in telling your husband is that he may be willing to take over your finances for a while which will take the pressure off you.
It is a very difficult decision to make though, and I would get as much support for yourself as you can before you go ahead. Telling your spouse is usually better than them finding out in some other way and if you keep putting it off there is more chance of that happening.
I hope you find your way with this and I wish you all the best in your recovery.
I am so glad that you have stepped away from planning suicide – but if you should find yourself there again – please talk to someone. There are dedicated helplines in most countries and there should be a list of them here: https://www.befrienders.org/
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nI read an interesting book in which the author had interviewed people who had attempted suicide (by throwing themselves off a bridge into a river) and had failed. By far the majority of them were glad they had survived and had no intention of trying again. The author, a psychologist worked with some of them and found that many did not really want to end their lives – they wanted to END THE LIFE THEY WERE LIVING NOW. Which sounds like the point you have reached – reading your last sentence.
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nThis can be done – but you would be as well to get support on this journey as it will not be easy. Again depending on where you live, there may be free support and counselling available – please reach out for it.
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nIf you read around the site you will see that the other things you NEED to do are – 1) lose access to gambling. Ban or bar yourself from places or online sites where there is a possibility of you playing again. 2) Lose access to finance. Get someone to handle your money for you – if you can – or cut right back on the amount you handle just for day to day expenses. 3) lose you access to time to play. Work out at what times you are most at risk and have a strategy to keep yourself busy at these times – at this point it doesn’t matter what it is – but be wary of things that in themselves could become addictive.
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nI hope this helps – go well.I read your post and was struck how you ended casually by saying you had gambled. I hope that is not the case and you meant you went to the casino with friends whilst they gambled.
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nEither way it means that things are not under control. This behaviour is sneaky and you may find you can go a few times but the next time when you’ve had a few drinks and your guard is down ….
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nPlease take this behaviour seriously – it is not something to be half-hearted about. You have only have to read some of the posts in this forum to see the stress and anxiety that gambling can cause – not to mention the financial, relationship and physical problems .
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nAnyway – I hope I got the wrong end of the stick and you are still gamble free. Let your friends know that you are not a gambler and ask them to go somewhere else next time – there are plenty of alternatives to casinos. I wish you well!Glad that you and your family got out okay and I know your main priority will be to keep safe. I hope all goes well and that life can get back to normal as soon as possible.
I was interested that a trigger for you is lack of time for yourself – as the advice is often to keep busy, as boredom is a trigger for many.
I guess we are all different. Is there anything you can do about this? Remembering the serenity prayer – “courage to change the things I can” comes to mind. I wonder which hobbies you are missing. Perhaps things will ease as the lockdown does. Go well.
Timing eh! Just before I read your post – I was reaching out to someone for a “counselling session” as I am finding things a bit difficult at the moment. Only because I am on my own in lockdown and missing real (not virtual) company – but I feel I could do with venting about it all.
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nI guess I am lucky in that I have trained as a counsellor and a co-counsellor and most of my friends are one or the other (and often both) so I have lots of people I can talk in depth to. I think if I didn’t have this, I would probably pay for regular counselling … just to keep my life on track. Co-counselling training is also worth a look – but it is not well-known and not for everybody. Of course it also might be difficult to access due to the virus – but I know of teachers in the UK, US, NZ and some countries in Europe. I’m not sure if I can remember where you are based but if I can help with a contact I will.
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nI don’t feel like a gambler any more. But I know I can never go back to it, so in that sense I still am one. I took a long break from “active recovery” also – probably over 10 years – so it is good to touch base again (although I never used the site – I was a GA member only.) I have often thought there ought to be a place for long-term recoverers to go to. Perhaps we could start something here? Go well!It was good to read your experience and see you end on such a positive note. I relapsed several times on my journey to becoming gambling free – the longest was after a 3 year non-gambling time. I remember well how devastated I was – and how I felt having to admit things to my GA support and others who knew about my problem.
It was only when I truly accepted that for me – not gambling was for life and I adopted the “status” of a non-gambler that things fell into place. I have said many times that for me – not gambling was like having a peanut allergy – just one relapse could be deadly … but in the long run, peanuts are just a small part of life and giving them up – even if I really relished them – allows me to do so many other things and to live. Not gambling allows me to live my life to the full and not have to worry about stress, be that financial or any other kind. Again thank you for reminding me of this.
You wrote: “My brain always works for gambling in background.”
Yes, when I was in action, I always had this debate in my head between the part that wanted to just play all the time and the part that wanted to be sensible. It took a very long time to shut down that debate I’m afraid.
What you need to do is make it practically impossible to gamble. You have done well so far – perhaps you could ask your brother to handle your finances whilst you are still fragile. You also need to get as much support for yourself as possible. Most support groups are on-line now – you can check if Gamblers’ Anonymous exists in your country (or another that speaks your first language) or if not check if you can access something through your medic.
Well done on what you have acheived so far. I wish you well!First of all congrats on your 16 days!
Yes, I went this thinking period. When your mind gets clearer post gambling, you begin to make the links. I look back and see my failure to get promotion at work, my pretty patchy lovelife, my continued tiredness were all linked to my gambling.But if you think of things in another way – you can celebrate the fact that you have worked all these things out and that they can be another barrier to continuing gambling.
The other thing is that you have plenty of time left – so stopping gambling will mean that you can get your finances in order, you can do all the things you want to do. All that is now in your control, now you know what the problem is.
A slight word of warning – beware of moving from one addiction to another. I can understand using weed as a prop whilst you are in withdrawal from gambling, but you probably don’t need me to tell you that long term use can be problematic. Not only can it be expensive in itself, but it can dull ambition and cause some health problems with long-term heavy usage. Keep well.
You wrote: “I just don’t understand why I don’t leave when I’m ahead or cut my losses?!!!!!”
I didn’t understand it either. I am well-educated, sensible and knowledgeable in lots of areas – so why could I not stop putting coins in a machine over and over again? Why could I not stop myself from taking money out of the ATM 6 or 7 times a day?
The answer is that I have a gambling problem, a wiring problem in my head which is triggered by thoughts of gambling to the extent that when I think of gambling I have an internal fight within myself between the feeling part that wants to bet and the thinking part that doesn’t. And guess what? The feeling part always wins. And when he wins – he plays and plays and plays until I leave to go home sick at what I have done.
The first thing to do is recognise and admit I have the problem. You seem to have done that – well done. The second is to make it as hard as possible for myself to gamble. Lose access to the gambling sites. Ban or bar yourself from them – check if there are schemes in your state for this – or contact the casinos directly and ban yourself. It is not fool-proof but it puts a barrier in the way and the more barriers the better. Another barrier is to get someone you trust to handle your finances for a while until the urge to gamble lessens. Finally get good support for yourself – via this site, or Gamblers’ Anonymous (meetings are often online now) or via SMART recovery.
You can stop gambling. It is possible – it is probably about 12 years since I last played a slot machine. I tell you this not to boast but to show you it can be done. I wish you well.