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Hi Jamie,
Thanks so much for sharing your story here. You’re the same age as my oldest son…It’s scary to think I may have taught him this behaviour too, but in answer to your question…
nobody can decide what’s best for you except you. Some people will say that "gambling is gambling", others will say they’ve had issues with slots, but still play the lottery. For example, I cannot go into a casino! I’d gamble my last nickel there, but I do buy a lottery ticket once or twice a month. The last one I bought was last Friday and I haven’t even checked it yet…completely forgot about it until I just typed it out here. I am of the opinion that I need to stay away from what floats my boat (slot machines).
Again, please keep in mind that others will not agree with me, but I believe everyone has to find their own way. I suggest you ****** yourself to determine what works for you.
You’re doing the right thing by seeking out as much information and help as possible. If you eliminate the gambling behavior that has proven to be a problem to you and you find that you’re not obsessing with another form, then you decide what you want to do. However, if you find that your obsession starts to escalate and get out of control, then perhaps you’ll want to cut out all forms of gambling.
Hope this helps. Please remember that it’s just my opinion and nothing more.
All the best to you.
CrystalLife isn't that difficult…people make it difficult. It's simple, let go and move on OR hold on and stay stuck.Hi Goldenharp,
I am a compulsive gambler. I have a boyfriend that has been through virtually the same thing you have. I’m so sorry that you’ve found yourself in this position.
Here’s what helped for me/us:
1. Stan confronted me with a list of his boundaries and requirements. He made it perfectly clear and there was no wiggle room.
2. He told me that I will not have any access to his earnings. He began protecting himself and looking after his interests. My pay was deposited into our joint account and immediately transferred to his account.
3. He demanded all of my credit cards and debit cards. He provides me with money in a joint account (not the household bank account) a little at a time. Basically, no cash. So, if I tell him I need grocery money. He asks how much. I give him a figure and he transfers that money into the joint account. He then goes online to ensure I used the money only for groceries and asks for a receipt.
4. I was to ban myself from all casinos and provide him with documentation that I’d done so. You can also put blockers on the computer so he can’t access gambling websites;
5. He asked for a list of all debts including banks, family, payday loans, pawned items, anything and everything I owed.
6. I was to get counselling. It was my choice what I thought would work for me, but the options were Gambler’s Anonymous, indivdual counselling and online support.
7. Honesty, honesty, honesty! I needed to work on being honest with him about everything.
8. He made the consequences very clear and told me that if I couldn’t get this under control, I was to pack my bags and get out.
Stan and I are deeply in love and this is working for me. It’s not perfect. I have gambled a little. Some call it a slip. I call it a ***. It’s way better now because he and I are communicating and working on this together, but truth be told…this is MY problem, not his. This is my responsibility, not his. He’s being a great support, but being an addict means people do many dishonest things. So, the fact that you don’t trust him is completely understandable. ***** use it to make you feel guilty, but that’s what addicts do.
The best advice I can give you is to protect yourself and learn what being an enabler is all about. I know it’s harsh to think of yourself as an enabler, but unfortunately, that’s what you’ve become. Seriously consider attending Gam Anon or get individual counselling. Focus on you and not on him. You won’t change this and you can’t. You can support him, but it’s all up to him. Oh, and it’s virtually impossible for an addict to "cure" themselves. He ***** help, period.
All of this is working for us and we keep refining it. For example, I figured out how to get money without Stan knowing and gambled. I confessed and we blocked that option. Even though I banned myself from the casinos in my area, I went anyway and didn’t get caught. Once again, I confessed to Stan and then called the casinos personally and told them to burn my face into their minds and not to let me in again. So, it requires modification as you go sometimes. We as compulsive gamblers are very sneaky and much like a puppy locked in a backyard can find the smallest hole to escape.
Please take whatever you think will help you here and just toss the rest. Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions and I wish you all the best with this most horrible situation.
CrystalLife isn't that difficult…people make it difficult. It's simple, let go and move on OR hold on and stay stuck.Hey Bettie,
Sorry to hear about that. Hope you heal fast!
Just wanted to pop in and say hi.
CrystalLife isn't that difficult…people make it difficult. It's simple, let go and move on OR hold on and stay stuck.Thanks so much for sharing your story. I must say that reading the posts from family members of compulsive gamblers helps me so very much. I am a compulsive gambler and stopped when my boyfriend had enough. He’s such a strong person and holds me completely accountable.
I can’t tell you what you should or shouldn’t do, only what my boyfriend did for us and what works and doesn’t work.
The first thing he did was tell me that either I stop and give him all control or I pack my bags and get out. I knew he was serious.
Then he took over every single penny of our money. I have no funds whatsoever that he doesn’t know about. He’s closed off absolutely every single option for me. My entire pay cheque goes to him, he has my credit and debit cards. I have only one account that’s joint with him so he can see everything I do. If I take out cash, I’m to supply him with a receipt that accounts for all of it.
Then he told me to ban myself from the casinos and provide him with written proof. He didn’t go with me. He said this was my responsibility. I did it. I am now banned for one year.
He also said that I was to get help for myself (GA isn’t for me so I chose individual counselling and online support)
What helped me is that he made it perfectly clear what I was to do and what the consequences would be if I didn’t.
All of this allowed me to focus on recovering. I no longer had access to money or the casino. For me, this works.
Just know that no matter what you decide to do, the best thing you can do is protect yourself (your money) and your children (their well being). Whether he stops gambling or not is completely up to him.
I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I know from the other side what this feels like. It’s completely consuming.
Please feel free to ask any questions as well. I’m here if you need support.
CrystalLife isn't that difficult…people make it difficult. It's simple, let go and move on OR hold on and stay stuck.Hi Live life,
Have you suggested to your wife that she ***** to get help with this as well? What I mean by that is to research and understand the gambling addiction. Most people who don’t suffer from an addiction have no idea how it works and what it does to a person. I strongly suggest she put as much effort into this as you do.
I was married to a man that didn’t want to "do the work" along side me and the marriage ended. I’m now with someone that "gets it". He understands addiction, how it works and what his role is in helping me recover.
Just a suggestion.
Also, continue to communicate with her and perhaps discuss counselling for both of you…a mediator often helps.
Best of luck and please continue on this path you’ve started.
CrystalLife isn't that difficult…people make it difficult. It's simple, let go and move on OR hold on and stay stuck.Well said no more! Very well said.
I know when my boyfriend finally said enough was enough, he also said to me that I needed to tell him everything. He didn’t want it one piece at a time. He wanted it all at once. So we started making a list of all the debts and secrets I was hiding…I know that was really hard for him to hear because it was super hard for me to confess, but once I did I felt this huge burden lift from my shoulders. I was free…free from hiding. The next step for me was to be free from gambling and that’s still a work in progress.
Life isn’t that difficult…people make it difficult. It’s simple, let go and move on OR hold on and stay stuck.– 03/01/2013 22:10:26: post edited by Velvet.Hi at crossroads,
I’m so glad you’re here. I’m a compulsive gambler and my boyfriend reached his limit with me.
The first piece of advice I can give you is that you need to protect yourself and your money. My boyfriend did the following:
1. Cut me off of all access to his money. He took me off his bank accounts, credit cards…absolutely everything.
2. Asked me if I was serious about changing things. I told him yes. He then asked for all my credit cards and debit cards.
3. We then opened up two joint bank accounts. The first one is where my pay cheque would be automatically deposited. The second is the one I use for my personal use (gas for my car, buying a coffee or lunch). As soon as my pay cheque is deposited, he transfers all funds into his personal account for the bills and I only have access to whatever he deems fit.
4. He made it perfectly clear that all money is to be accounted for and if I cannot provide receipts etc. that he’s out…done, it’s over.
5. He told me that I need to ban myself from the casinos (not sure if that’s helpful to you or not) and provide him documentation proving I did it.
6. I was to get therapy/counselling/go to GA…whatever I needed to get help. I chose individual counselling and online support (this site and others).
He basically told me I either do all this or pack my bags. That was enough for me. Be prepared though, if you decide that you want to follow this route, he may choose to leave. Addiction is a powerful thing.
Stan also told me that I needed to be honest and talk to him about all my gambling secrets. How I manage to *** to get money, when I would gamble, what sneaky tricks I use. This took time to disclose because of the shame of it all, but once I started spilling my guts and he was supportive about it I found it much easier.
The best thing you can do for yourself is set up boundaries and make those clear to him. Let him know what you expect and what the consequences will be if he doesn’t live up to his end of the bargain…and be prepared to follow through!
Well, that’s about all I have for now.
Take care of yourself.
Crystal
Life isn’t that difficult…people make it difficult. It’s simple, let go and move on OR hold on and stay stuck.– 03/01/2013 21:43:34: post edited by Velvet.Bettie,
Isn’t it interesting how we see ourselves? We are our own worst critics. Food for thought:
Have you ever met someone that sees themselves a certain way and you think to yourself "Interesting…I never thought of her/him as fat/skinny/ugly/stupid, etc." I’ve done that and keep that in mind when I am too critical of myself. I guess what I’m trying to say is, the people that are looking at you in that picture probably don’t think the same thoughts as you. They probably look at you and say "she’s so awesome. What a fabulous person. Such a big heart, beautiful smile, great sense of humour…etc."
I had a childhood friend contact me on facebook a couple of years ago and tell me that I was one of the prettiest and most popular girls in school. I was like…huh? Me? Really? Cause that’s not how I remember myself in school! lol
I always found it easier to forgive others, but very, very difficult to forgive myself. I’m working on that.
Glad I found you here and hope you have a fabulous Christmas!
CrystalLife isn't that difficult…people make it difficult. It's simple, let go and move on OR hold on and stay stuck.Hi Bettie,
I started reading your thread on Friday and have read virtually every single post in the last 2 days. It’s been like a book that I can’t put down. I’ve gone through the lows and the highs…I’ve wanted to scream with you, cry with you and rejocie with you….and I don’t even know you.
That’s how incredibly powerful your life story is…it’s kept me captivated for over 250 pages and two days.
It’s taught me something too. I want to be more honest in my posts and my recovery. I find that I’m only admitting what I want to admit…fear of judgement I suppose. I don’t want to be seen as "one of those weak people." Well, here’s the start of something new for me. I’m not going to post on my thread right now, but will as soon as I’m ready.
I look forward to getting to know you and to know myself better.
Crystal