[Stacey]

There was no explanation why he wasn’t accepted, the email he received simply said that they didn’t feel it was the correct path for him but he could reapply in March.
I feel now that he won’t do anything else, ive been trying for 7 years to get him to agree to going and now he’s not been accepted it feels like we are back at square one. I genuinely feel im fighting a losing battle.

[Stacey]

I’m so disappointed, my CG didn’t get into the residential programme, I can’t am understand how he didn’t meet the criteria? He ticks every box and cannot go a day without gambling or trying to gamble….I don’t know what to do

[Stacey]

Thank you again, Velvet, my voice of reason….in that one message you have instantly calmed my anxiety and I shall indeed sleep tonight and try again tomorrow with a more positive outlook, I agree that I need to be strong and the children need that from me, my mood is often taken out on them because my head is else where with worry but I will work on that and try to remember that this isn’t their fault and they shouldn’t suffer.

I will keep you updated with news if and when he does get accepted, i’m keeping my fingers and toes crossed that he does and that he goes through with it!

Thanks for the pre warning of the possible Storm to come, I had thought this may happen.

Look forward to speaking with you soon.

[Stacey]

Today my CG had a telephone assessment for a residential at Gordon Moody, I have so many emotions I needed to write them down…I am so so happy that he’s finally trying to do something and get some professional help, I am so happy that he may be considered on the programme and we may possibly be able to have a “normal life” im worried, what I’d he’s not accepted? What if it doesn’t work? How will I cope for 14 weeks without him and four children? How will I explain to the children where he has gone? My head is going crazy!

[Stacey]

Sounds like the best way to deal with it and thank you once again. I have decided that any savings are now to go straight to my parents, I do have one or two hiding places that he’s never found, so I will continue using them when necessary….
Thanks you again for your words of wisdom!

[Stacey]

He doesn’t ever suffer, someone will always give him a lift to football and he always finds the money he needs from somewhere.

This morning he bought me flowers and gave me money to pay for my friends hen party this is very strange as he never gives me anything, I was so happy, this afternoon I decided to crack open the ceramic savings pot that we have been putting money into for our wedding, ive been putting all my loose change and a few small notes, I discovered that the notes were no longer in there and he had been using tweezers to get them out! It’s like going two steps forward and three back, it wasn’t a lot of money, but it was money I had saved for our wedding, any suggestions for how I deal with this would be greatly appreciated as ive not actually seen him since I made this discovery.

[Stacey]

Hi Velvet

And once again thankj you for taking the time out to message me back, I see all your posts on his site and the compassion you have for so many people is truly astounding, I hope you feel how appreciated you are because I certainly appreciate every word you take the time to write as I’m sure everyone on this site does…..

I’m feeling a bit more positive today and trying to look at things from a different angle and trying to deal with things differently so that I don’t let it affect me quite so much, let’s see how it goes!

Had a bit of a blow yesterday, our car needs some expensive work carried out and it’s times like this that I start to think about all the things the money he has gambled could have done to help us, but I’m not dwelling, it’s happened, I have to deal with it and get on with life, sulking will not make the situation any better (let’s hope I still feel like this tomorrow) after the school runs with no car and four children in the cold!

Hope you have a good day

[Stacey]

Your message couldn’t have come at a better time
And reading it has helped calm me…he is THE most selfish person I have met in my entire life, he thinks solely of himself, right now he is ordering himself his 2nd pair of £55 football boots in two days because he’s not gambled for those two day he feels he has every right to spend that money else where and on himself, I see it that he should be using that money towards out rent that is a week late, and when suggesting as such, he shouts at me…..
I suppose I should think myself lucky that as im not a blood relative I could always walk away, but I know i won’t….

I feel for your situation and I sympathise so much with your daughter in law, one of my biggest fears is that one day I will give up, he will then finally get the help he desperately needs but it will be too late for us, he will then go on to get a new girlfriend who will reap the benefits of the 7 years that I have suffered trying to achieve….does that sound strange? That’s the way my mind thinks. Some times I just want to lock my self away and scream!

[Stacey]

It makes total sense and ive never looked at it that way, I will definitely give it a try and hope that I can change my behaviours and reactions to at least give it a go?
A few things that I struggle with are what words to use and how to talk to him, for example, he sometimes will hand his wages to me at the end of the week and then every now and again ask for will ask for it back bit by bit convinced that I don’t think he’s gambling it because it’s going to him in smaller amounts for petrol ( but the next day the car needs more) or cigarettes but then he never seems to have any, how do I approach these situations?

Another thing that frustrates the hell out of me is when I know he’s gambled and he swears blind that he hasn’t and comes up with a hundred and one reasons as to why he has no money left, this annoys the hell out of me because he knows that I know he has a problem, he knows that if he lies about it, it only makes it worse and he knows that all I have ever done is try to support him, so why not be honest with me and ask for help? I hate that he actually thinks that I am so stupid that I believe him!

Stacey

[Stacey]

You don’t know what it means to me to have compassion and understanding, so again, I thank you for that.

Yes there are good times, I absolutely adore him and we are due to get married next year, it’s just when he’s bad, he is literally the last person I want to be around and when he’s nice, I forget the bad…sometimes he looks so lost and I remind myself that he isn’t the horrible person who spits and shouts, that’s what this awful addiction does to him and other times, I can’t see that anyone who says they loves me could treat me this way, it’s like living on a roller coaster, waking up each day wondering if today will be a good day or a bad day?

Stacey

[Stacey]

Velvet, once again thank you so much for your response!
I’m sorry I missed the group last night, I think it would have been very beneficial.

He has been to group GA meetings and we have both attended gambling counselling, the counsellor was actually a recovered gambling addict himself…It seemed to work for a while and then he came up with excuse after excuse as to why we could no longer attend…some days he says he hates it and wishes he didn’t have this and other days I get “I’m an addict deal with it or f off’

I can sympathise with hearing that you were the cause of the gambling, I get that all too often, I should have known he had money on him and battled to take it before he left the house or, I should have hidden things a little better or if I didn’t make him angry in an argument, he wouldn’t have stormed out and gambled..

He’s actually unbearable at the moment, he is so angry and has such a short fuse, I blame it 100% on gambling and frustration, only ten minutes ago he was shouting and swearing (even spitting) at me because I asked him not to take his anger out on the children…I got all the names under the sun thrown at me and then told to stop my self pity because it bought me to tears…the first thing I did was come to post on here so already this page is a great outlet for me…im so exhausted from crying and being given no compassion for what he does to me..

Stacey

[Stacey]

Thank you for your message Velvet, its nice to hear that being selfish is not the wrong thing…I dont have a social life unfortunately, for a number of reasons, we just dont have the money for me to go out with friends and when i do, im always greeted by a barage of text messages apologising for ruining my night because hes managed to hack my bank account or got a pay day loan in my name (he cant do this any more as he’s sucessfully ruined my credit rating)

even going to work is a worry for me as it’s time on his own to pawn my things or presents i’ve bought him..

I have had some councelling for myself, but we decided in the end that it would be better to have have joint sessions as he wasnt being honest in his and with me there, he couldnt lie.

unfortunately i cant speak to my family because they quite rightly would be very protective and would not speak to him which would make my life so much more difficult, as much as I know he is ruining our lives, i know he doesnt do it intentionally and I just want to help him recover, getting my family involved would not help the situation…Occasionally, i tell his mother and siblings, but it doesnt really help, they read him the riot act and then continue life as it was before, im the one that lives with it day in day out, and i cant tell them every day, oh he’s gambled again because i actually feel that they get fed up with me being negative towards him and they end up just saying to me, he will never change, you’re better off witout him.

thanks again for listening
Stacey

[Author]

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