[Screwball]

Well it’s now 105 days since my last bet of any sort, feel in a much better place but my head is still spinning on what to do about my family, I’ve not spoken to my boys in over 3 weeks since I kicked off at the ex having someone else sleeping over in what was my home, I wanted to sale the house and this upset them and now will not speak to me at first I thought I could just walk away forget about them and move on, but as time goes on I can’t in fact it’s not just the boys I want to make things right with it’s the ex too, I still love her before I always wanted to get back together for the kids and that I couldn’t do it on my own, now I know I’m ok on my own but really miss them all how do I brake the silence, I want to get them things with some of the money I have saved by stopping but don’t want to buy them back I want to be part of their lives cos they want me to be and ideas or advice will be great fully received

[Screwball]

Thought It was time for an update, been a busy week at more time spent driving than working but has kept me busy and gambling well out of the picture, had time for dinner with my daughter at the start of the week which was great time to chat and see how her life is moving forward much faster than mine. In the next few weeks she will have her own place, whilst I’ll still be living with my mum & dad.
Going to treat myself to an overnight fishing trip tonight first of the year but hope to get many more in.
The boys are away for another week in the sun sure they are having a great time just gutted I’m not there with them, and that’s all because of gambling if ever there was a reason to stop I’m living it right now, just a shame I didn’t manage it last time.
Take care all have a fab weekend and today I will not gamble

[Screwball]

Well the end of other day, another step on my road to recovery taken. It’s not been a bad day work and the garden keeping me busy, thoughts of gambling few and fare between.

[Screwball]

Charles, great post and thanks you ask some good questions, and for a moment I thought the answer was nothing but in truth, I have moved back in with my mum and dad so no second address to get bank/ credit cards sent too, my dad holds my new bank card so know idea what the card number or other details are, stoping any sort of online gambling. Removed acess to the internet by getting rid of my PC, yes I have my phone but with no bank card and only PAYG phone no way of putting any funds in, I carried on my 121 with counselling, which has helped find some of my answers. Found more positive ways to spend my free time helping my dad out in the garden or spending it with my boys, I don’t go out unless I have some where to be, and come on here often to remind my self I have a problem but I can beat it.

[Screwball]

Great advice, thanks
Was just their as dad today not a walking bank , no extras well apart from dinner but that was planed anyway.
Would have been easy to shower them in gifts but like you say I can’t buy them back, all they want is honesty and love. Something I can give them day in day out and dose not cost a penny.
Hope you have had a good day too.

[Screwball]

Velvet, your kind words help improve my day today your support is more than welcome.
We had a great time the past not really talked about, just time spent supporting them in what they love, making it an extra special day by getting the youngest some one on one time with his idle.
My wife (soon to be ex as it stands) used to show the same support as you write about, but over the years of all her giving and not receiving anything but let down and lies in return she has called it day, I feel there is no hope there.
But today has been a good day no gambling just good honest fun, now ready for the big comp tomorrow.
Many thanks again and to a better life for all who make the choice to make their lives better.

[Screwball]

Well today I have taken another step along my road to recovery, today I did not gamble. Instead I called my boys and got to talk to them hear the news of their week, stuff I should of been there for but sadly missed out on. But do get to see them tomorrow, there mum is working and they have a weekend full of martial arts, training tomorrow followed by European championships on Sunday I’ll get to stand in their corner once more, so looking forward to this weekend the first in many weeks and can even afford to treat them to dinner tomorrow, the day maybe full of questions but I’m ready for it.

[Screwball]

Hi ican, thanks for your post, I have not read all of your recovery as of yet but plan to over the coming week, just wanted to share my support to you, I find the low times are best spent in places like here, writing your thoughts to be able to find answers to them, when you see it in black & white and not just in your head they seam easier to cope with, hope to read you have taken a few more steps along this great journey we have all set out on. Keep strong and smile, the world will smile back.

[Screwball]

Thanks to all, who have read and posted their support, it is hard to come to terms with every thing at the moment, I’m trying my best to become a better person to brake the cycle that has hurt so many over the years, yet my family see it as just another stunt, to win them back, of cos I want them back but because they want to be with me not cos I’m making an effort to change, I know with change I will become a much better person but without them in my life there is no one to benafit from it, I still have days I wish someone would just kill me in a car crash then it would not be my fault but they could move on knowing I will never hurt them again.
But as it stands I’m still alive and need to make the most of it am lucky enought to have finished work early today so can get out in the garden and vent some anger on patio project. What I should be doing is getting ready to surprise my boys and pick them up from school, but I left my recovery too late to be able to do that.
Still the days are adding up and so are the pennies, so to all that come here stay strong and take care. Today I will not gamble.

[Screwball]

I have over the last few weeks made much more of an effort to build a bridge with my kids only for it to keep falling down thought comments I have made, at times I have thought it best to give up on them walk away for good, but then I think they will need me one day like I need my dad right now, without him and his help I would be homeless, and it is with thos thoughts I stay strong and believe one day I really could be their dad again, a man they want to see, spend time with and even share thos special moments with like school reports exam results and winning their next compation.
I have come to understand what been a dad is all about just a shame it’s 12 years too late, I miss the simple stuff like watching them play, messing about with them and even putting them to bed, over the years the only time I really spent with them was just after I’d been caught out, mainly to avoid the wife but also to make up for some of the time they had missed out on due to my gambling.
I have started my recovery soon I hope they can start theirs with me been part of it,
Any way that’s me that’s what I pushed away by gambling and lieing if your not this far broken you have time to fix it, everyone you love is hurt by what we do, every pound you put in a machine is part of there sole your giving away, and even if you did get the money back you will never get back that little bit of them, if be love, trust or effection it will be lost forever.
I hope people read this and it helps them understand what gambling does to others, as when we are gambling they are the last thing on your mind. Join me down this road to a greater life as each day Webdo not gamble We take another step forward,

[Screwball]

Up until Good Friday this year I was married with 3 great kids until my latest gambling relapse forced my wife to call it a day every year for 13 years I have failed to control my gambling, and every time I would lie to cover it up till the truth was there in black and white with now where hide.
Like many a time before I was kicked out the family home, but this time it was different, I drove off in the car no where to head to £5 in my pocket.
I walk the local fishing lake till dusk in a hope she would text or call, nothing so I drove till I found a lay-by on a quite road and parked up the night, a very cold and loanly night, I keep the engine running for some if to coldest parts but knew I still needed fuel for the morning. Laying there trying to sleep my on thoughts where I hope someone wants to nic the car while I sleep, beet me to death or near death so my pain would be eased, Saturday came the only text I got was to ask if I would drop the kids Easter eggs off as they where still in the car.
I manage to grap a few cloths and my sleeping bag when I did drop them off then returned the same layby same thoughts as before, but no such luck.
Sunday afternoon I get a call from my brother who only calls when something is wrong, the wife had phoned my dad and told him what I had done thinking I was there ,now they knew I could hide by the side of the road any longer I had to face them. It was hard but told them what had happened how bad the debt was and they took me in
As the weeks went by I would get to speak to my boys every now and then but was still stuck in self putty and self destruct mode, racking up another 10k in just 2 weeks
Now my kids avoid me cos they are scared of me, on the 30/5/14 I took my first step back on the road to recovery

[Author]

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