[i’m_free]

Real life stuff such as living with roomates/housemates and the stress it can bring is challenging to me but it’s overwhelming when I’m activiely gambling.  When gambling I can’t handle the things I normally could because gambling is the single most stressful thing I’ve ever been engaged with in my entire life .  Free

[i’m_free]

I have read through your posts since I started back to recovery a week ago after a long relapse. I want to say ‘way to go’ as they say in GA and the 5 k run in very impressive to me. Doing that run will feel like a natural high and reward for gifting yourself with recovery. STAR

[i’m_free]

For a split second I had a opening to drive to the casino. It’s Sunday. I was on my way to get groceries or go to a farmer’s market. I went for groceries instead of the farmer’s market. I did not drive to a casino. It’s very early in my ‘new’ recovery’. For as split second it seemed like there was an opening in my brain to drive to a casino. There were no thoughts or images just some opening like a program … yep kinda like a program. It starts like that, as an almost un noticed impulse then it grows. I want to say HEY I noticed that little spark of an old program and extinguish it.  I’m not up for that spark to start a wild fire of destruction again.  NOPE.  odaat.  Star

[i’m_free]

This a.m. I scrolled through fb and saw that a very very old friend who is battling cancer is in ER because he had a bad fall. This Sunday a.m. I offered an image with the 23rd psalm on it to him. THen I realized that the power of this Psalm came to calm my own spirit and soul. Star

[i’m_free]

I felt some grace this a.m. , early to rise at 3 a.m. with some coffee sitting in the household kitchen. Suddenly after a night of fretting and worrying my perspective shifted to see how things could realistically fall into place in the next few weeks considering the steps I”m now taking to get my life in gear.
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nI smiled and felt some gratitude.
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nFree

[i’m_free]

Thanks to all who shared recovery poetry.

[i’m_free]

This is all so fresh; coming to grips once again odaat by reaching out. All the areas of my life that needed attention and were being backseated by using slots to get away from the tension and indecision etc.; these things are what I now face. I have to take small steps to make change and progress in life. I feel , still feel in a bit of a fog. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better… facing the situations in my life and not starting to cg again. I am doing both. Free

[i’m_free]

I was waiting all day for a phone call and it seems that the coordinator got the times mixed up and the counselor called at the time I was quoted but it was a different time zone. I saw a call that said restricted so I didn’t answer it. I then found a message which was good. So she and I are trying to find a time that works by doing messaging as her number is private so clients can not call directly. I understand.
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nI’m happy that i got to speak with a volunteer on live chat on this site as it helped me.
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nWriting in the journal is healthy and thx. for all who share.
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nI’m having visions of the machine that seemed to pay out. But it doesn’t pay out when you expect it to. It’s all chance. I often have been duped into thinking that this one machine or that one machine will help me but even when that machine kicked in I still would put the money back in or take it home and then go back eventually because it’s compulsive … I was in denial. I want to stop thinking about a few machines that gave me any kind of false ideas. There is not way to navigate slot machine pay. And for compulsive gamblers it eventually goes back in one way or another. I’ve been digging a hole…. Thank God , I have some sanity left and a chance to regroup. To feel for my losses is way to great to take on. I recognise the loss and the addiction and it’s serious… but it’s hard to feel to match the extent of the damage and loss… freestar

[i’m_free]

Later today I have that first counseling appointment. I don’t know how I feel because I’m coming out of such denial. I’m confused. Many times after I gambled during this relapse I declared it was my last and took measures to try to balance out my life accept and go on. But there were also some period where I was certain that I could be in control. I almost wish I had not won a few thousand dollars one day a couple months ago. I was ecstatic! Then I went back and won a bit more and also took that home. Then I keep on going back and spent it ALL plus more. Also prior to the ‘win’ , if I can even call it that, I had lost lost lost each time. My story I know is similar to others. IT’s just this way for people who compulsive gamble. So I’m confused about how I feel . AT times like this I feel ungrounded. I don’t want to be in an exaggerated recovery because I want to maintain. It seems I’ve often been completely devoted and so serious that I went in the other direction ultimately. I guess there is no rhyme or reason. I’m glad I took a first step and dusted myself off … don’t know if I’ll ***** days except that I want each day to be fresh and new. free star

[i’m_free]

I read through some of your last entries and saw the one about the slip up of eight hours and boy can I relate to that and to much of what you said. Unfortunately I did not have only a slip up as I’ve now had countless days over this big relapse which looked like this one day. EAch time I thought it was the last. NOw I’m finally getting some counseling and came back for help. thx. for all you shared. It helps and i wish you a great day today. freestar

[i’m_free]

I love hearing you talk about reading and researching for your big change. There are so many resources to guide life along and for addiction recovery and I use the web often. I’ll be using these resources and learning also. Getting back to the daily help.

[i’m_free]

I love hearing you talk about reading and researching for your big change. There are so many resources to guide life along and for addiction recovery and I use the web often. I’ll be using these resources and learning also. Getting back to the daily help.

[i’m_free]

Great point. Because to me it’s all a bad dream that needs a reality check . Just like using the idea of playing instead of the reality of wagering , betting or gambling. I hesitate to spend 5 dollars on a loaf of gluten free bread but I played many 5 dollars bets or wagers over and over. Playing. I’d like to once again discover ‘real’ ways to play in life. thx. *freestar

[i’m_free]

Congrats. on taking another attempt. I can not ***** how many attempts I’ve made. THis last relapse only today had me naming it as a relapse. For well over a year I was in deep denial. I’m happy to be on this journey with you and the others

[i’m_free]

The relapse has been well over a year but I have been a compulsive gambler for way longer than that… just saying. I’m fresh out of a relapse that escalated hugely and I’m here to be able to share about it and for that I am grateful. And I the title says… I am lucky to have some counseling that starts up tomorrow. Not feeling like a happy camper at all right now. Nothing like being dishonest with our own self. I have to gain some compassion for myself … it will come with time. free

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