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  • in reply to: Your journals have helped #53221
    Sauchgirl
    Participant

    Day 7. 1 week no gambling. Today I felt good and today I felt happy, today I didn’t think about gambling or dwell too much how gambling has effected my life.

    I did think a lot about this website, I thought a lot about the people whose stories have truly touched me and words those that reached out to me. I’ve read threads from years ago, people who probably don’t even come in on here anymore, but I just wanted to say Thank you.

    in reply to: Ups and Downs; time to reset #53207
    Sauchgirl
    Participant

    Sorry I didn’t see your last post before posting! Sounds like you got this & glad to see your blocked. Stay strong!

    in reply to: Ups and Downs; time to reset #53206
    Sauchgirl
    Participant

    Conor I’m sorry to hear you gambled again. Please know you are not alone in this. As addictive gamblers we struggle to end on a high. Please delete your accounts or ban/block yourself now. If you can’t block yourself then put a depot restriction on. Trust me, I almost relapsed yesterday but couldn’t as I had banned myself from my usual sites and didn’t have my bank cards handy to deposit cash (I’ve put them in my husbands wallet). It was like I was a robot, in that moment gambling felt as normal as making a cup of tea and it enormousy of what I was doing didn’t hit me until I couldn’t do it.

    Just keep asking yourself, “what would happen if you lost”. View gambling as never winning but only ever losing, we all know that after that initial perhaps innocent bet will lead to us spiralling out of control.

    Please stay positive, keep coming back and reminding yourself why you need to stop. There is so much support on here. You can do this and today is a new day. Take care.

    in reply to: Ups and Downs; time to reset #53205
    Sauchgirl
    Participant

    Conor I’m sorry to hear you gambled again. Please know you are not alone in this. As addictive gamblers we struggle to end on a high. Please delete your accounts or ban/block yourself now. If you can’t block yourself then put a depot restriction on. Trust me, I almost relapsed yesterday but couldn’t as I had banned myself from my usual sites and didn’t have my bank cards handy to deposit cash (I’ve put them in my husbands wallet). It was like I was a robot, in that moment gambling felt as normal as making a cup of tea and it enormousy of what I was doing didn’t hit me until I couldn’t do it.

    Just keep asking yourself, “what would happen if you lost”. View gambling as never winning but only ever losing, we all know that after that initial perhaps innocent bet will lead to us spiralling out of control.

    Please stay positive, keep coming back and reminding yourself why you need to stop. There is so much support on here. You can do this and today is a new day. Take care.

    in reply to: One Day at a time #53338
    Sauchgirl
    Participant

    Hi CraigM,

    Well done on coming here and getting the support you need. I think telling your fiancé was a very brave 1st step. Saying it out loud and telling someone face to face Really shows your strength of character and your want/need to beat this. You sound like a really decent guy and I hope you manage to work through it all together. I agree gambling brings out the worst in us, the stress and the worry of losses definitely brought out of the worst in me. I never thought of myself as a greedy selfish person until gambling.

    Stay strong, you can do this. Keep coming back. Reading everyone’s struggles and successes have really helped me and I believe I can do it to.

    in reply to: One Day at a time #53337
    Sauchgirl
    Participant

    Hi CraigM,

    Well done on coming here and getting the support you need. I think telling your fiancé was a very brave 1st step. Saying it out loud and telling someone face to face Really shows your strength of character and your want/need to beat this. You sound like a really decent guy and I hope you manage to work through it all together. I agree gambling brings out the worst in us, the stress and the worry of losses definitely brought out of the worst in me. I never thought of myself as a greedy selfish person until gambling.

    Stay strong, you can do this. Keep coming back. Reading everyone’s struggles and successes have really helped me and I believe I can do it to.

    in reply to: Your journals have helped #53219
    Sauchgirl
    Participant

    Hi CraigM & IDI,

    I really appreciate What you both said. I totally agree about the big loss. The wins felt great but I kept needing that winning feeling more & more, it was just never enough until I had nothing at all. CraigM, I think it’s so brave of you to come clean and be honest. That must have been such a difficult conversation. How did she react? I have told my husband so many times in my head but I can’t bring myself to, not yet anyway. I know I will have to at some point but I’m just not ready yet.

    I’m only on day 6 of being gamble free and I almost placed a bet yesterday. Logged into a new site, went to the deposit page & it didn’t accept PayPal or Apple Pay… Thankfully I didn’t have my bank cards to hand!! After I couldn’t deposit it was a huge relief and after 5 minutes I could have slapped myself, what on earth was I thinking! Well I think & I know I wanted to gamble because I felt in a better place. I have emergency rainy day savings in an account that it takes a few weeks to receive the cash. This money along with returning clothes & jewellery I bought when feeling flush will almost payback what I’m due. Somehow knowing I’ve managed to bail myself out made me think it was okay to gamble. I simply cannot let that happen again. I have no more emergency funds, nothing left to return/sell. At that moment I was trying to deposit it was like last week never happened! How does everyone control themselves in that moment?? I do not want to self destruct any longer.

    Apart from almost relapsing yesterday, I do feel a lot better. I’ve been running a lot more which definitely gives me a different type of buzz & I find It very therapeutic (mentally).

    Stay strong everyone and sorry for such a long post!

    in reply to: Your journals have helped #53214
    Sauchgirl
    Participant

    Yesterday I thought a lot about putting on a bet, just one bet but one big enough that if I won then this would all over with. I’d be “up” again, I’d pay back the money I owed and then never gamble again. Roulette is what I loved and could spend 18 hours a day with it on in the background, innocently placing bets while I went about normal life. Live casino on my phone in the background while I washed dishes, did laundry, cooked dinner etc. I used to think I could see a pattern in which colour would come next. Red / Black then Red again etc. I would be so sure that I’d put down huge amounts of money over and over again.

    Thankfully I didn’t place that bet, I came on here and continued to read about everyone’s different journey. I asked myself “ do I have £XXXX to lose?” How would I fee if I lost £XXXX? And “What would i think of someone just stole £XXXX from my bank account”. Even before writing this post I thought about that bet. It’s eating away at me.

    I will be strong. I never want to feel like i did 4 days ago & I need to keep reminding myself of that. There are NO winners, and even if I won, I know deep down that money would never leave my account but instead I’d convince myself of another reason that I’d have to bet again just one one time and then I’d lose. I do love myself and my family more than winning.

    in reply to: Resisting the urge #53167
    Sauchgirl
    Participant

    Hi Ryan,

    I’m sorry to hear you have lost all your savings as well. Do you have pet insurance to help cover your bills?

    It sounds like you have been gamble free for over a few weeks now which is great! We just need to keep telling ourselves that we will never re coup those loses with more gambling. I’ve been on this site so many times the last few days and I find the constant checking in really helps.

    Today is a new day and new month.

    in reply to: Your journals have helped #53212
    Sauchgirl
    Participant

    Thanks so much for commenting. Today has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. I blocked myself from the gambling sites so I physically cannot gamble. I’m struggling with the shame and guilt of it all. However as I said before reading everyone’s stories makes me feel a little less alone. It’s finally hit me that I was out of control. It’s strange as I always thought I was mentally strong but I was completely blinded by this addiction. I never thought myself as having an addictive personality but scrolling through my online banking deposits is quite simply shocking. I’m so embarrassed just thinking about it all.

    Day 1 was really hard. I was in shock, sick to my stomach and I was living in a nightmare. Today I have felt better at points but then I remember what I’ve done and it hits me like a ton of bricks. I think writing it down on here helps.

    I’m still waiting on some of the deposits to clear from my account. Seeing the imaginary money sitting feels like I’m being taunted… it’s what I could have had if I only had the
    Strength to stop.

    Sorry guys a bit of a ramble but I feel like I just need to get this down in black and white. Hopefully one day I can look back at this and see it as my turning point. One thing for sure is I’m definitely not taking my family for granted any more.

    in reply to: Escaping the fog and keeping the light on #52111
    Sauchgirl
    Participant

    Day 1 for me too, online gambling is my weakness. It’s been really hard not to log in today to chase my losses. I lost 7k yesterday over an innocent £56 bet. I was completely lost in the fog of it!! I feel sick to my stomach and struggling with hiding this from my family. However instead of gambling, I went for a walk & tried to keep myself occupied. I also blocked myself from the usual site. My last big loss was 8 years ago and I managed to stay away until this year I just got hooked again. I just need to be free of it for good this time. I know you can too, stay strong!!

Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)