[sam.sam]

My day today started late, at 4pm, waking up and as always blaming myself for another day wasted. The only think came to my mind was to make it a better day by coming to the forum and the gambling therapy room, where i feel safe and see good friends, at the same time my advisers. people who help me trough with my thought and behaviors, the moment of loneliness, and when i feel unworthy. It has been a great pleasure in meeting so many great people in here who have been fighting this addiction.without your help I would have been some where begging for money to eat or under influence of some sleeping pills in bed. I have a neighbor just upstairs to me, who is a good man. He is around 90 years of age and very ill. old age is stopping him from doing the things that few years ago was doing, climbing the mountains, travelling around the world, skiing , and even walking comfortably. I have made it my duty for the last 2 weeks to help him any way I can, even if it means to visit him and hug him, helping him with checking the football result on his teletext on his TV. He can not even do that now. He is single, never married, and no family here. Some times I see my self in him, in few years time if I am not able to recover from this addiction. I wanted to say that helping him, seeing the joy in his eyes, first from his TV working, and second from him knowing that he is not alone. I feel better when i come back to my own flat. I know that I should be concentrating on my own recovery, but I think it is helping me towards that, becoming the person I was before becoming addicted to gambling, Helpful and caring towards others. Personality change I think I can call it. where My cg was only thinking about myself and how i feel when i was on the urge. Now it is the time to notice about qualities which was buried by my gambling actions. I was asking my neighbor why he is not asking for disability benefit and help. He did not know how to do that and in hospital where he was 2 weeks ago, no body knew or cares how he lives alone. It brought up this thought that why am i on help from state benefit? I am not as bad as he is in terms of physical health? I could not find an honest answer. I am working on it… some times we feel that we are in a deep whole that there is no way out, but seeing or reading about others in a worse situation can help us to wake up and deal with the real issues and be more positive about our situation. there is always a way out of difficulties. Here is a good place for me to be every day to remind myself that I am in a process of recovery. One day at a time. God be with you always.

[sam.sam]

Thank you sad68, for your support. I need you all if i am to stay alert in my recovery. Yes they are people around us who care, but we may not see them, being blind by our addiction. I am in recovery so am looking around me to find positive people and things to do.
Helping others i need would always give us some sort of comfort and helping us to realize not only we are able to help others, but we can, and we have to help our self. we as CGs are strong people. In fact very strong people, just have to find the route to recovery and staying in recovery. My way has been this forum and the gambling therapy room. I must say reading others story in here helped me to realize that I am not the only one with this problem and that there is help available. Thank you again sad68. My prayers is with you my friend.

[sam.sam]

Hi. I woke up at 4 o’clock today. A friend came around to see me and offered me some money..for a micro second I noticed my cg saying yes give me the money, so I corrected it by saying ” no thanks” I do not need money now. I am so tired and exhausted of controlling him. Now another day passed, knowing that most of that I was sleep, makes me unhappy. I am in another cell made by myself. At least I did not gamble. take care all. One day at a time.

[sam.sam]

Hi Monique, and Sad68,
Thank you for your helpful messages. I need to practice not being worry for things that has not happened yet. It is mostly what I think that may happen that worries me more than what is happening now. I was feeling better few days ago, but suddenly I felt this negative feeling, that, ok you stopped gambling, now what!? tears come so sudden and feel so weak in planning the next step in life. Instead all the memories come to help me, or may be just to remind me of my old scars, and then push me to another gambling event… and then blaming that lose for feeling this way? It is the best easy way to escape from feelings inside. Blaming the mistake in making another bet, takes all the pressure of trying to find out where in life, and what in life , made me feel the way I feel, away. And just concentrating on now, the lost bet. It would fill the emptiness in my life. It feels better to know what to blame than not knowing who or what to blame. I have to get to the root of this problem and not to let this addiction takes what left of my life away from me. I count on this website, You all my friends who are so far from me, and at the same time so closed to me. I trust you all, and know if there is a group of people I can count on, is you. With your advice, your life stories, Mistakes you make, Ideas you have..I have been able to come this far, and instead of gambling or watching a movie to destructing myself, coming here to be with you, when there is no where safe to go. It is my safe place. I thank you all for what you are doing here. Happy New Year to you all. one day at a time.

[sam.sam]

Happy New Year to all of you, my friends. I have not gone out for the last two days. I did not see any motivation to go out. And the worst is that I am not even doing any thing positive sitting behind the computer the whole day and night. I am so worry and scare of the future. When I stop gambling it just comes rushing in to my mind. I do not know how can I support myself now. Being in recovery and not gambling, I feel some how ashamed of being on benefit from state, at the same time can not think of any thing. I am fighting with them over something that I do not want to be fighting. I want a job, but I want to be able to support myself. I do not want to rush into a situation that put so much pain and pressure that make me back in to the gambling habit. I am so tired of thinking and not reaching to any result. Why I never learned to get on with life without any anxiety. No plans, no instruction, in my life. I wish I had a mentor knowing all about me and tell me every day what to do, until I learn to deal with my internal feelings, being scare of every thing. I feel so tired mentally. I cant show my feelings. I feel numb. Its like I automatically switch of and turn my face the other way. It is bad. it makes me feel unable to deal with situation naturally. God help me. I go to bed now. to forget.

[sam.sam]

Thank you very much for your support. It could be a lot more difficult if it was not for the support I get from you in here. One day at a time is helping me to know that, today is the most important day of my life, as it can lead to a better place and another good, gambling free day. I am grateful for your help and support. God bless you. One day at a time.

[sam.sam]

Thank you very much for your kind message. I need all of you around me if I am to succeed. As you said it is all about small steps towards recovery. I feel better today. One day at a time. Today is my gambling free day. This is my day to enjoy. God bless you.

[sam.sam]

Hi Monique,
Thank you for your message. Yes I am getting a lot of support here. I feel If it was not for attending here, I would have been gambling or planing that. Here gave me the opportunity to sit and think about how I feel and re-live some of my past experiences. With the hope that I have a better relation with myself. When I was gambling I had this feeling that some power within me is punishing me. Now I am not angry any more, there for less urge for gambling. One day at a time. I am not gambling today. Here I feel safe, and am sure that I will not be judged, There for I talk about how I feel. It helps a lot. Thanks for being here.

[sam.sam]

I wish you all a very merry Christmas. Knowing you, and using your Ideas on gamble free life has helped me to be here today. You are doing a great job.
Thank You all.
Sam.

[sam.sam]

Thank You Laura.
You are right. If it was not for the support I get from people here, writing on this forum, and learning that there are help available, I would not pass this days, and for sure I was in the hell of anxiety . I am looking in to future, only because I have hope that in the dark moment of my recovery, you are showing me the way to a better days. I hope That with your help and advice Ill be able to make a different and build a better tomorrow. One day at a time without gambling behavior. Thanks.
Sam.

[sam.sam]

It has been 12 days more or less, that I have been clean. Although all my worries still are on top of my head, but I can feel that I have a clearer understanding of my real difficulties. It would help me in my recovery to, not to be too worry about what I don’t have, but to concentrate on what I can do, with what I have, to make life easier on myself and people I love. For quite some times opening my windows to the fresh air was making me sick. Today I welcomed the fresh air in my room and quite enjoyed, breathing in the goodness of Oxygen in my lung.
I am still taking the baby steps within my recovery days, but am happy that I can see and feel the affect on my anxiety level and the way I feel talking to other people. I am more confident, my mind is clearer. I do not sit and blame anybody or myself for what happened in the passed, but looking forward to what life has to offer me in the future.
Today is a better day without the gambling behaviors.
One day at a time.
Sam.

[sam.sam]

Hi Monique,
Thanks for reading my journal, and for giving me hope and making me stronger towards my recovery.
Best wishes for you and all of us.
Sam

[sam.sam]

Today I went to My GP. And that is the road near one of the betting shop. I could hear my gambling side whispering in to my ear, just a little bit money, just one small bet….I started talking loudly with myself answering him…oh devil you are still there, I jump into my GP and sat there for a while until I felt better, came out and on the way back again it started making me confuse, making me remember the chances that i have to go with £10 and may make to £200. my god, thanks to Charles. he told me don’t think about what you don’t have, think about what you have. Only thinking that way I remembered I have £40 in my pocket now. And that is not a dream or wish, I have it. So i rush toward the post office, passed 3-4 betting shop on my way, but I knew I am myself now. I was not nervous. I thanked Charles in my heart that gave me a very good Idea. It worked. I came back home safe. I was late for 12 o’clock open session gambling therapy, but tonight I will be there. I am amazed how I manage to do it, but I am glad I did it. Thank you all for being here and sharing.

[sam.sam]

I am glad to hear from you. very nice to see that you are here to support us when we are not sure where we are or what to do. As you said It always helps to know that there people here that have been trough the recovery and they have been successful. I take this opportunity to congratulate you on your 4 years of success in beating this habit. Weldon
sam.

[sam.sam]

At last I did fill a self referral form and send it to national problem gambling at soho. I think they understand what we are going trough and are able to help. most of my worries are after stop gambling. I have been there and I know that i will fall apart facing the reality of my life. even simplest thing like finding a job and coping with money management. I have to learn all again, and I can not do it alone. It makes me scared just thinking about that. So I guess I have taken the first step. take care all.

[Author]

Posts