[nkalei79]

Writing for accountability:

So our graduation packed weekend has come to an end. Just dropped my husband and son off at the airport and I’m back at the hotel room now. Of Today is one week no gambling. I’m proud of myself because this is the longest I’ve gone. I’m lying if I said I wasn’t thinking about it but I’m not going to do it. I’m gonna keep myself busy with work. I’m here for another 4 days and I have to stay strong. We have a huge weekend coming up on June 04 and we need the money so I can’t mess up. Of course that isn’t the only reason…I can’t mess up for my husband and my family. And I won’t. It feels good to have some money and to know that we’ll be building our bank up again. I want us to get back to being financially stable and able to go on trips like we used to. My husband needs a new car and I want to be able to help provide that. Here’s to taking it one day at a time & remembering the reason I have to stay strong. My family. ❤️

[nkalei79]

6 days GF & it feels good. I am still off island for work and my husband and 3 year ols son came to join me to attend my daughter’s HS graduation. By now, I’d be broke. I know that we cannot be on this trip with no money and having him around def helps deter me from wanting to play. When he leaves to go back home tomorrow, I’m a littlw worried. To say I wasn’t is a lie. BUT, it hit me hard when he said that my gambling was “chipping away his love for me.” I have the man of my dreams & I cannot lose him, especially to this. He made a comment about “sometimes I think it would be easier to deal if you told me you had an affair as opposed to having a gambling issue.” He’s probably right.

We’ve been here for a few days now and seeing all the things my friends have (houses, cars, jewelry, etc) or hearing their plans for trips they’re taking soon…makes me feel bad. If it weren’t for my addiction, we’d be in the same boat.

I’m terrified every day that I will slip but that’s a part of the process (not slipping but being terrified.). I can’t promise anything. I can only pray about it & hope that He hears me & continues to give me the strength to stay strong & GF!!

[nkalei79]

Writing for accountability:

Another day down and no gambling. I should be happy about it but my husband found out about my gambling (5 days ago) & using all the money we had before I came clean to him. Needless to say he was not happy. He even told me that he is losing love for me each time. I don’t blame him at all but of course I am devastated. He is literally the ONLY person in my life who has never judged me and has always stood by me. I honestly don’t know what I would do if he walked away. Which is why I don’t know how I can do this to him. I can’t lose him. He really gave it to me this morning. It was eelxtremely hard to hear because I do feel like there is some judgement but that’s human nature. Of course I don’t expect him to understand. I need to find other venues to get out the energy I spend gambling. Maybe walking, going back to doing my arts and crafts, taking my kids to the park, working some over-time…and I’m sure there are many other things I can do. My husband is going ti handle ALL the money at this point. I’m handing in all debit and ccredit cards and will just be using cash. I have to do what I have to do and that makes me feel good about not being able to give in to the urge. Now to find a therapist so I can get whatever issues I have from growing up and now out in the open to deal with that. Life goes on.

[nkalei79]

Writing for accountability:

It’s been 3 days since I’ve gambled! I’ stoked because although it may not sound like something to celebrate, it’s huge for me. Aside from installing the software blockers on all my devices, I’ve taken my cash (not much) out of the bank and am carrying cash so I’m not tempted to send to gamble. I hate carrying cash BUT it works so for now, this is what I’ll do. I’m travelling for work and working on another island. I used to live here for some 20+ years and my daughter lives with my ex-husband here so I’ve been keeping busy visiting her and friends. She graduates highschool in 2 days and we are throwing her a huge party here so between working 8-9 hours a day, prepping food and decorations for thw party, and sleep…I’ve haven’t had much time to even think about gambling. I also know that I need whatever monies I have or will be receiving this friday after I get paid, to help pay for expenses for the party. I don’t want to be the parent who doesn’t pay for anything so that motivation is front and center right now. Feels good to not gamble. I have this app that tells you, based on your history of time spent playing and hours, how much days you go gamble free and how much money you save by NOT playing. So far it says I’m gamble free 3 days and saved $1400! Hoping I can keep the motivation going and resist the urges so I don’t need to reset the counter. Anyway, one day at time is all.

[nkalei79]

I literally read every single post on this thread & I can only hope that I can be as strong as you @Jvr3419! My husband has forgiven me since I confessed to him about my addiction & how bad our finances are. Sad part is I gambled away my paycheck earlier today online. I just installed blockers and wish I had done that earlier. I have yet to tell him about the money from today. I’m sitting here thinking about another lie just to get by until next payday. At some point, he won’t forgive me and that’s when I don’t know what I’ll do. I’ve been listening to podcasts and YouTube videos about gambling addiction. I know it’s weird to say but I find some peace in knowing I am not alone because I can tell you that it defintely feels that way everyday. I am constantly thinking about this and it makes me depressed. My thoughts are focused on how I am going to stop completely. I don’t trust myself with money. I need to give my husband full control of the money that comes in. I am lost and wandering in a place thag is unfamiliar & I’m afraid.

[nkalei79]

@Losingitslowly

Thank you for the advice. I installed it on my son’s ipad last night. I think one way tonhelp me fight the urge is to post on here whenever I get that feeling. It’s crazy how much I think about playing. I need to rewire my brain but it’s gonna be a long time until I can shut that part out instantly. Thank you for the words of encouragement & good luck to you as well!

@charles

I know I have to come clean but I’m afraid. I don’t think he’ll leave me but I’ve disappointed him so mych already and I can’t bare to look at him knowing how much I’ve hurt him. I’m feeling a little optimistic now that I’ve installed the software on my other device. No access really helps! I also took out cash from my bank to take with me on my work trip so I’m not tempted, when I have down time in my hotel room, to send money to play. My daughter is graduating highschool and she lives with her father in the city I’m travelling to so there are a lot of things I can do to keep busy. Even taking my walking shoes to get some exercise in (which is great but it’s more to keep me occupied.) I am thankful for this forum. I need to hear from others who feel the way I do. I even had my husband read the thread for people who have addicted family members. I think it also helps that he reads the threads from addicts so he can get a better understanding of the issue and how the addiction works. Appreciate the words of encouragement as well. I will post again after I’ve come completely clean to him today. I’m sure I’ll need to get some thoughts out after that.

[nkalei79]

I’m unsure why it says “awaiting moderation”. I surely didnmt type that. Maybe because I’m brand new?

[nkalei79]

If you have someone you can trust who will help to support you, you should tell them. I did. I was embarrassed, scared and depressed but I shared my addiction with my husband and best friend and am happy that they chose to support me. I am only now starting to look for ways to stop. I just gambled my paycheck away today and once again, I am stuck. You need the support. Find a group if you need to, thats what I am working on now. Good luck to you!

[nkalei79]

I figured this is a good way to express whats been going on with me. What the exactly hell is wrong with me? What is this thing inside of my brain that won’t allow me to stop? There are too many things going on in mt life right now for this addiction to get the best of me. I gave in to the temptation because I came into a few hundred dollars (which I needed badly) & played most of it away. I didn’t install GamBan on my son’s ipad which is what I used to play. I hate myself right now. I’ll have to fess up to my husband and he’ll be even more disappointed once again. He just told me yesterday that he confided in a friend of his about my addiction. He says he loves me and won’t leave me because he wants to help me get through this but if I keep screwing up, how much more can he take. My dad wants me us to move to the mainland (we live in Hawaii.) I can’t do that because we have no money & I shot our credit to hell. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make the temptation and impulse to want to play to stop. I use apps, read forums, blockers, and the urge is still strong. Strong enough that I continue to do it. God help me! I hate what I have become and what I have done to myself & to my family. I have to fly out for work in a day & I know boredom will kick in. I’ll need to drum up some motivation to keep myself busy. God I pray that you hear me. I need strength!!

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