[Newday54]

Charles,

Yes. You are right. Taking advantage of more support is something that I need to do more of. I fully admit I have done a really bad job of this.

I am happy to say that it has been 4 days GF for me.

[Newday54]

Meghna83 –

Thank you for your comment. I appreciate it and I appreciate you reading my prior posts and looking at my prior words. You are 100% correct. The end result for me (and many others) needs to be not placing a bet ever again.

To put stronger barriers in place..I am going to sign up for a GA or equivalent session. It is way past time for me to do something different if I truly want to rid myself of this debilitating sickness.

[Newday54]

My own diary over 2+ years shows how difficult it is to beat this sickness. I am back to Day 1 again. Since my last post two months ago..I disbanded Gam-ban and lost everything that I won back this year. The story of my life is “chase, chase, chase.” The reality is I have not put enough barriers in place..namely not confiding in my family because I am too ashamed too. If someone reads my post..please do one thing..open up to your gambling problem with someone you confide in.

[Newday54]

Hulmey –

You have taken the right steps in self excluding. It starts small and every minute and day trying to stay away can be a struggle. I have had a million “Day 1’s” in my life and am going through another one today. I just tried to build some more barriers by re-installing GamBan on my phone to block me from my terrible vice of online gaming.

Stay strong and I wish you the best in your recovery.

[Newday54]

CraigMac6 –

Wishing you success on your journey. As you said it is a struggle. I look forward to hearing your updates.

I personally am now on my millionth new day but just re-installed a gambling blocking app on my phone and deleted all gambling-related apps.

[Newday54]

It has been two months since I posted. To no surprise (to me at least), I was not able to stay away. Fortunately, over the last two months my net winnings actually allowed me to pretty much break even with all of the losses I have had in the last 3+ years. I know I beat the long odds in doing this. In fact, I actually was in a net profit position the last few weeks but foolishly feeling “invincible,” I gave those profits away in some quick 30 minute bursts on multiple occasions.

This 3 year sickness has taught me it is not easy to stay away. Will power alone will not do it. When I first posted here in February 2019, I hoped that just writing a journal would get me away doing it. At that time, I became heavily depressed because of my losses – because I lost the equivalent of one year’s salary. However, I did not listen to suggestions like the one from Steev to build barriers. While will power kept me away for many months in 2019…I resumed playing in the Fall of 2019 which led to a downward spiral into early 2020 when I started to install barriers like GamBan.

GamBan worked until it did not (when I was traveling the hotel WiFI did not capture it) and I had a bad relapse night..and tallied my losses in my hotel room (while sobbing) and saw that I now lost 2 years of salary.

If I look back at my journal – I was able to stay away for prolonged times (like when the pandemic hit)…only to relapse and lose big. Rinse, wash, repeat.

After another quick burst lost night yesterday, I realized that I am not doing enough to truly stay away. I downloaded GamBan again and deleted all of the gambling apps off my phone. I have been given a true “life line” of getting back to even….two years of salary won back. If I lose any of this…I cannot imagine how worse my depression or sense of regret would be.

A long winded of saying I am back to Day 1 (again) but hopeful that I am more committed to staying away from this like previous times.

I plan to write again here more often and also help others in need…much like the many others in this community provided a lot of great support and suggestions to me.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by Newday54.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by Newday54.

[Newday54]

I have not been able to stay away since my last post over 3 weeks ago. The shocking thing is that since my last post I have continued to generally win. Deep down I know this won’t continue if I continue to keep playing.

I am posting here to keep myself honest. I just set a timer to try to stay away and lock in my recent wins. While I still have lost a ton of money other the last 3 years..I have been fortunate to win a good amount of it back these last 3 months. A lot of people don’t get this good fortune and a true “second chance.” I cannot waste it!!!

[Newday54]

Josh – thanks for your post and following along. Be thankful that you have been able to stay gamble free. It is a powerful disease.

I pushed my luck again over the last 7 days…and shockingly I won a good amount of money! I have made a withdrawal request and if I can possess the power to let it clear, I will have made a small dent in my overall losses.

I know it was wrong of me to gamble again when I said I needed to GF for the millionth time. As I look back at my life, this another huge lifeline that I need to finally take.

[Newday54]

An update from last week. I once again could not stay disciplined and lost my profit the next day and found myself in a net loss position last Sunday night. I proceeded to gamble some more on Tuesday night and lost that as well. I stayed away for 3 days and foolishly tried to win the lost money back last night. I got VERY LUCKY last night and won back all the money I lost this past week. I continued to play today and actually built up a $25k profit but just foolishly flushed most of that way AGAIN. Rinse, wash, repeat.

Maybe a bright side was I was about to spend more of my winnings but actually had the willpower during this bad streak to stop and walk away. I then wrote in my personal journal for about 45 minutes and then came here to post.

This truly can be a turning point for me. I got a bit lucky this week. Yes, over the last 2+ years I have lost a staggering amount of money (equivalent of two year’s salary) but I am fortunate that I built up a savings over the years, that while these losses were very painful, I still have some savings left and I have a good paying job.

But I need to rid myself of this compulsive habit and I point to tonight as another “Day Zero” moment. I need to stop chasing the past losses. That money is gone. When I got up to $25k today, I had dreams that I could win everything back I lost in the last 2+ years. That was a mistake but like others, when you get engulfed in gambling, you lose your rational thinking. I am actually thankful and hope that my moment of actually stopping while “still ahead” will help me rid most of my very big gambling habits.

[Newday54]

I have not posted to this journal since October 2020. In November I hit another rock bottom (what is new?) and actually was able to step away for 70 days GF.

Then in January online gaming opened up in my state. I thought there would be no harm in making a few small sport bets. Then I got started getting back into my old vice of blackjack. I actually got up to a net profit of over $17k through last night but proceeded to piss away most of it today. I have a little bit of profit left. If I can find the willpower to take this profit and step away it would be a huge turning point for me. Yes..over the past almost 3 years, I have lost a staggering amount of money (for me almost 2 years salary) and I know in my heart that money is gone. But often times before, I have built up some decent gains only to lose them plus some. A recurring theme among most of us who are compulsive gamblers.

As I look back at my journal posts over the last 2 years..there are a lot of positives but they are outweighed by negatives/relapses. I will try to at least make this current chapter a positive one.

[Newday54]

Charles –

Such a great secret – and one that I have not done a great job of taking advantage of.  This site has provided me with valuable advice that has helped me stem the gambling habits at many times over the last two years.  In those moments of potential weakness, I need to make it a point to reach out for more support.

[Newday54]

i’m free – thanks for the message.  I wish you the best on your reboot.  

Coincidentally, i just finished 3 days GF which was also my original post almost 2 years ago.  Given all the painful and costly relapses I have had between that last message and today’s I know this is not going to be easy.  But I am deeply committed to making this reboot more successful.  

i downloaded an app called “Quit That” to track my GF progress.  It has been helpful because it also shows how much money I am saving by not gambling   

[Newday54]

I appreciate you reading my post and your suggestion. I wish you success recovering from your recent relapse. 

[Newday54]

I had went over 5 months GF and started to play again in late August. I quickly lost money on online blackjack over the course of 30 minutes and then stopped for a few weeks. I then picked it up back in mid-September and over the course of two weeks actually won a decent amount of money. Like every other time before, I pushed my luck over and over again, and now after a pretty bad day yesterday (after going 7 days GF after a bad weekend last weekend) I lost everything I had recently won and additionally, am now in a bad negative position since resuming in late August.
n
nI had went over 5+ months GF and it felt great not to have my mind occupied with gambling. I need to a much better of job of identifying the triggers. Re-reading my journal entries is a painful reminder that I have ways to go rid this terrible demon from my life.
n
nSo, as I write this in on October 18, 2020…I hope for the thousandth time hope that I can point to this new day as the day I rid this terrible disease from my life.
n
nI commend all that have been able to conquer their demons and I sympathize and empathize with those that struggle defeating this terrible habit.
n

[Newday54]

Progress update…since I received my last lifeline, I am 111 days GF. I am committed to continue this success. COVID-19 and the social injustice protests have helped crystallize my focus as to what is important and what is not. I can’t go back and change my horrible past with gambling but I know that I can control what I do today, tomorrow and in the future and learn from my past relapses. I wish for anyone that is reading this and is dealing with a gambling addiction, that they know  that you can persevere and there is hope.  It takes a lot of changes, disclipline, potential relapses, and evaluating how your current behavior  is likely destroying you and your family.  

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