[MurrS7]

Wow I just stumbled across my thread. I cannot believe I went through this hell on earth for over 17 years on and off. Because that’s what active gambling addiction is. Hell on earth. I placed my last casino bet on sept 19/22 which is 9 months clean today. I placed my last sports bet on may 9 22 so 404 days clean there. What can I say now. Life is beautiful. The day I placed my last bet I also had my last drink so I have been booze/drug/gamble free for 9 months. I have gotten the date tattoo on my forearm so I am always reminded I made it out alive. Some days I didn’t want to wake up, some days I said I wish I could die if I have to live another day in active addiction. It really had such a strong grip on me and I still know I am never safe. I am only one drink or bet away from death. And that’s how I treat my recovery. It’s life or death now. Thank you to all who supported me, helped me, reached out to me, loved me, and was there for me in my darkest days. I love you all and I pray you are all
Keeping well. I attend 12 step meeting weekly now, maintenance therapy, and I have the most amazing girlfriend now who supports me in recovery and knows my story but still loves me the same. It is possible guys. I am testament you can get clean, even when the world is closing in and you feel hopeless. Just don’t give up. Love and peace to all❤️

[MurrS7]

Hey. Please let me know how you are doing today? I am sorry I didn’t reply as I am just seeing this now. I hope you are well and found a way to keep this demon at bay. God bless brother

[MurrS7]

Hello friend,

I am so sorry I didn’t reply to this, I didn’t even see it until now. I thank you
For all the positive words and commend you for opening up to me. Please let me know how you are doing. We can get through this.. a life without gambling is a life worth living. God bless your soul.

Murr

[MurrS7]

Hi Dev,

Wow it had been a while. What’s ironic is my great friend passed away on July 7,2007. (7/7/7)
So I know he is checking up on me through you after reading your username. I am 30 days gamble free , and 42 days sober. No alcohol, drugs, caffeine , or sugar. I have just started a new role in insurance and I am also single again. I can say this is the happiest I have been in many years because I have no triggers to gamble or use. I have started therapy again and that is helping me maintain my sobriety and abstinence. I started reading a book called atomic habits and I have learned that in order to quit a bad habit you must associate it with something very unnatractive. So for me when I think of gambling, or substances, I think of disgust, sickening, and that’s not me. I don’t say, I don’t gamble anymore or use /drink anymore; I say- I am not a gambler, I am not a drinker. I have even been to parties with people using and drinking and turned it down. This is a life long battle and I take it one day at a time. Thank you for the message, it feels good to talk about how far I have come. 35 days ago I was fighting for my life, not sure if I would survive another day whether it be an over dose, or taking my own life. By the grace of god I am here, and I will inspire many with my story.. as long as you have hope, just a little bit of hope.. you can make it out of the hell hole of addiction. Love you all. God bless.

[MurrS7]

Hello all,

Sorry I have not been able to access internet as I have been away. To be transparent with everyone I am also battling a drug addiction as well as gambling. Wewinwhenwedontplay I just want to say that post really means more to me than you know. When I am feeling like an outcast and so alone , it is posts like that that keep me going. I filed a consumer proposal and I have been gambling until yesterday. I was prescribed Wellbutrin and I have been on it for 5 days now. Today I woke up, with a different outlook on life. My mom bought be supplements and I have started my workout routine again. I just want to say without my family and girlfriend, I would have likely killed myself by now, been a homeless drug addict, or been in jail. These last two months have shown me that gambling truly has no bottom. From dining at 5 star restaurants, drinking the finest spirits, to fast forward 1.5 months and losing my Mercedes, having to take a leave of absence, losing my condo, nearly losing my gf, and contemplated suicide many times. I read a post of online gambling when I was in the wrath of it in 2019
Ajd someone said to never ever open that can of worms. I did and it ruined my life. I won, lost, won it all back, lost it again, won it all back, literally cleared my debt through gambling, had lots of savings again. Then lost everything. People used to tell me it’s not about the money ajd I never got it. Of course it’s about the money. I want to get rich! Now I see. It truly isn’t. Gambling is an escape. Every time something bad happened to me, fight witg gf, stress at work, fight with fam, I always went to gamble. Even if I won 20k.. I wouldn’t stop till it’s all gone. Because once I stopped.. then I’m back to my reality.. that’s why I couldn’t stop. It all makes sense now. Gambling is not about the money. It’s about escaping our reality because when we are in action, nothing else matters. Guys thank you for all your support. I have lost 6 figures, I have lost my car I worked so hard to get. My condo, my happiness.. my joy for life… but I have just a little
Bit of hope. Through the grace of god, my family, my gf, my friends, GA, and this group. I am fighting to see one more day. Just for today. I wilk not gamble , I will not use, I will not drink. I am not my addiction. I am Stephen Murray. I am a good
Person. As I am in tears writing this. Gambling has stolen everything that made me who I am. 13 year’s of my life gone to gambling. The lies, the secrecy. The emptiness, the time lost, the time lost with my loved ones, the broken relationships, the lost trust. Today it ends. Today I say. F U C K you gambling. I am stronger than you DEVIL. I will beat this with every ounce of my heart and soul. If anyone is doing thorough this addiction. Please don’t let it get to this point. Please save yourself. I love you all. I thank you all . I pray for you all, I pray for me. I will fight till the death. And if this happens to kill
Me. I gave it all I had. Goodbye for now

[MurrS7]

Hey guys thanks for the messages. Sorry
It’s been a really long week at work. I did GA last week for th first time again. It’s just hard to accept I guess, that I’m back at a new rock bottom. It’s just such a monster and I have no compassion for myself.. I’m very hard on myself for what I did. Had counselling again today, she tries to explain I have a mental
Illness but I feel like there was so manh things I could have done to prevent losing it all again. Anyways. Haven’t gambled since Friday. Urges are insane but I have 0$ now.. feel terrible I placed a huge bet with the books and it lost, my friend ajd I a lot., and now he is on me for the cash. I feel teeeible cuz I told him the team to win.. they were up huge ajd lost last Second. Gambling is sick. New job interview this Thursday so I can make more $. Banned from the sites I was using indefinitely .. need my life back.. in the hole for 75k. To bank, bookies, family. Might do consumer proposal. This disease is so progressive and I never thought
This would be my life again at 31. Did it at 18,19,29,24,26,28.. 2 years clean almost and did it again at 31. Man I’m
Tired, sick.. sick and tired of this feeling. Never thought it would Happen again. I’m no expecting to gambling .. I am a statistic .. this is how everyone’s story ends.. if it wasn’t, none of us would be here right, we’d all
Be milllonaires. Much love to all. One day at a time.. longest I have gone without gambling in months. Day 3.. still feel like I’m dead inside. But I know it gets better in time. Prayers for all. Love all

[MurrS7]

Thanks guys. Today I didn’t gamble, it’s the first day I didn’t bet in a couple weeks… honestly.. only because I had 0 left .. I would always scrounge around some cash to bet but today I did not find any. Sad reality but I feel like one day is better than none even if it was becxayse I literally
Couldn’t bet. Had one on one counselling today. I got a puppy and I think he will be my saviour. The same friend I lost all of his $ on my account bought me the dog… incredible he didn’t want to kill
Me instead want to help me…
I still have major cravings .. also battling substances too.. now the borders closed because of COVID so I can’t see my gf anymore. I think my dog will really help me get through this hell on earth. Tomorrow is day 2. I have such a long road ahead. I might do consumer proposal. The roller coaster of gambling is insane, I keep replaying it over and over. Why did I blow out all that $ on blackjack… the place and game that ruined my life 100x. Felt the same pain 1000x and it’s almost like I enjoy pain. Sports betting at least I was winning … there was more strategy.. but some how I threw it all away on blackjack . I can’t comprehend this. I was so scared to place more than 1000$ per night on sports.. yet I would be ok blowing 30k ina night on cards, I would literally have to lose 30 days in a row on sports to lose what I lose in blackjack in 1 hour.. where is the sense? Where is the logic? Why go back to the place that robbed me of everything. Sorry for venting .. I just can’t process what I have done. It’s INSANITY!! Odds of casino are build to win.. sports at least I was picking good teams vs bad teams: I know it all gambling but at least be smart if you’re going to gamble. I guess I needed this because the sports would just keep fueling my addiction and now I literally can’t bet on anything cuz I’m wiped clean: this is a sign.. this is what needed to happen to learn. This is the rock Bottom I never thought I could reach. And I know there is a further bottom than this. That’s the scariest part. A true monster. A true evil. Lord pray for everyone’s soul.

[MurrS7]

Wish the best
To all.

[MurrS7]

Thanks for the posts guys. I almost feel ashamed to post here now
To be honest after the last posts. I don’t think I have much to say any more. I lost everything and most likely be kicked out of my
Condo next month, and lose my car. Bills coming in and getting declined from my
Cards because there is no available funds. All
I can say. Is it’s a living nightmare and hell on earth. And I wish I could “just stop” or “not make the same mistake” but it’s a monster. All
It
Took was 2 weeks to be on top
Of
The world… to losing everything and not having food to eat and having to go bankrupt. Take care guys. It’s a broken record now
and I am losing the battle

[MurrS7]

Guys although plaza is very harsh. There is some truth to his post. He’s right. Why aren’t I helping myself? Why arent I handing finances over? Do I blame my gf for leaving? Nope: I would leave me too. I’m about to lose more than $. I lost my mind, my gf, every penny to my name. Will probably lose my job soon. I might have to move back in with my parents. Why didn’t I learn? Because the addict in me didn’t want to stop. I cleared my debt. I was up 60k. I was on cloud nine. I was about to go get my
Dog tomorrow. I have cancelled that. I have nothing left. My visa is maxed (23,500). My line of credit (10,000) , over draft 2500. Owe my friend 16k. Rent coming, car payment. Life is a living hell. When I am asleep, is the only time life is ok. When I wake up, I am living in hell on earth. I need to help myself. I need to make changes, put barriers in place. Because people won’t feel sorry for someone who doesn’t try just 1 thing to change..

Why? Because I am an addict. And an addict doesn’t want to make just 1 change, because they he can’t gamble. I thought rock bottom was losing 30k in a summer. Fast forward, 50k in 3 days. I don’t want to accept it. It was at 30k Monday. Last night I miss 1 point on a 5 game parlay to win 75k. Didn’t sleep, didn’t eat, didn’t work. There is not much to live for right now. Rehab is the best bet, but i hope I make it before that time comes, cuz at this rate, I can die any day now. God bless to all.

Love, always.

Stephen

[MurrS7]

I read this many years ago when I was in the wrath and hell of gambling. 2018. I experienced it then an I experienced it now. And trust me, if I have access to more .. I will lose it all until there is nothing left. Gambling has no bottom…

“You have not hit rock bottom yet. A long term gambler who struggled with addiction once told me: “just when you thought you couldn’t go any lower, a gambling addiction can bring you a new low that you didn’t even know could exist.” The next step is to take out loans and gamble that away. Then begging/borrowing/stealing money to fund your addiction. The pit really is bottomless. If you continue you will lose your family, friends, partner and job. Most importantly, you will lose your sanity and everything good about who you are. True rock bottom awaits should you keep chasing your losses. Stop now before it’s too late.”

[MurrS7]

Thanks guys..
I don’t know what to say. Rehab starts in may.. I’ve maxed out all
My finances again. In the hole for nearly 50k in 3 days.. I haven’t processed it and I can’t stop going deeper.. this monster has full control on me.. I’m losing hope..

It’s like money means
Nothing. Anymore… before I would be mad at losing 500$.. then 5000… now add another 0’on. 3 days ago i had
Cleared all debt.. and had savings again. The worst part is.. I am now dead inside.. I can’t eat, sleep; workout. And I am
Not even doing stuff at work. Next I will lose my job. My gf dumped me last night but I’m trying to get her back. She doesn’t understand addiction.. she doesn’t know how
I can go to GA.. talk about Gamblignwitg her and then go right back
To it.. I try to tell her it’s not me.. it’s the addictive part of my Brain. She said it’s an excuse and to just stop. I’ve lost my life. In 72 hours. Just blew out another 10k of credit . It’s hell on earth guys. I wish this upon no one. I hope I make it

[MurrS7]

Hello
All. I’m sorry I didn’t post again this week,
Once again I have lost it all. I am going to go to a 21 day treatment centre. This is too hard to beat with GA alone. I have lost a years salary in a night and now
I owe my friend cuz I used his winnings without telling him. Same old story. Cleared all debt and should have been so grateful. Nope.. lost it all and more.. and owe now..
got no words. God bless . This is evil

[MurrS7]

Meg,

It
Is always nice to hear from you. And
You are not a loser, you are powerful more than you will ever know. As compulsive
Gamblers we know we can’t talk down to someone, tell them to try harder, tell them love and support can’t help them. Lord knows I got through some of my darkest days with your love and support; and many others on here that gave me the same advise. Someone that doesn’t understand addiction will tell us to “try harder” “just stop” “you know what you need to do” if only it was that simple. This group has helped me beyond words, and although I slipped up, lost, won, won, lost. I’m still fighting another day. I’m always wishing you the best in your recovery, and know I have your back every step of the way. You are worth it, you are loved, and you are strong. Don’t let the words of certain members on here, affect your recovery. I post when I feel I need to, not for others, but for me. Take care and god bless.

[MurrS7]

And by the way plaza, it has worked in the past as I was clean for 1.5 years. I wish you well my friend, hope you find some love in your life

[Author]

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