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Like San, I get the feeling, as I read your post, that you really need support for YOURSELF. I cannot ‘diagnose’ and am not trying to, but I get a real feeling of depression and effects of stress from what your write. I hope you are feeling helped by off-loading a bit here and knowing that others are concerned for you. It would be great if you can have some local help too, of some depth and understanding.
Can you find small ways to ‘reclaim’ your own identity in all this and affirmation of your own worth and of the importance of your own requirements in life? Your husband sounds very controlling and you have given so much of yourself to the family – I fear you getting ‘lost’ in it all.
But you have experiences to build on and an inner strength yet to tap to the full. You say you are ‘waiting for something to happen’ – is it possible for you to MAKE something happen? – no matter how small at first?
I don’t want this to sound like another ‘demand’ for you to cope with but an encouragement to find one thing you want and make it happen soon to encourage you forward and hopefully lift your spirits a little.
Holding you in mind.
Monique
I’m glad you are feeling calmer today – I hope that lasts. I think we often ‘regress’ at the moment of ‘challenge’ or ‘shock’ and it is easy to be temporarily thrown off course, but the ability to re-think , as you have shown, is of great help in these situations and ‘bad moments’.
Again, I really identify with those feelings about ‘control’ and ‘letting go’ with our grown-up children!
Your job seems to need a lot of your strength right now, so probably you just have to concentrate on feeling able to get on with that and looking after yourself.
I hope the chemotherapy is not too difficult for you.
Best wishes,
Monique
I hope you will soon find this site easy to use – I am not yet accustomed to it either. Change is always difficult!
I am sorry you are struggling and feeling a level of despair. Please do not give up and try to take comfort in the knowledge that there ARE some people who care and want to help, even when you feel so alone.
I send you all good wishes,
Monique
Hi San.
I have not yet got to ‘know’ the new website, but hopefully we will all soon feel at ease with it!
I think I have felt those kinds of mixed feelings you describe – your son will always, at some level, be your ‘little boy lost’ and, of course, you will always be his loving mother. But sometimes the decisions we have to make and actions that are necessary are much more complex – they require a lot of thought and insight into the ‘full story’. You are clear that you do not want to enable your son to continue gambling and that you need to protect your own health – emotional, physical, mental and financial. Holding on to that will not make decisions easy, but can guide us.
I wish you well.
Monique
Dear Pinkfloyd. What great posts you have just written. Yes, it is very difficult stuff and you are making tough decisions, but you write with clarity, focus and determination. I wish you well as you continue to work through things and establish a better life for yourself. Monique
Dear Dadda
It is good to hear from you again and that you have found encouragement in the replies you got here.
I’m glad you found something positive to hang on to amongst all the ‘battles’ you are facing, too. The whole ‘system’ nationally (in your country and over here) can indeed make us VERY angry. However, I think I agree with Velvet that we probably can’t afford to use up our energy on being angry with the system, while we have so much to do to survive well ourselves. (Not her words, but my understanding of what you are probably getting at!) There IS a role for campaigners for reform, and they deserve our support, but we need to be safe and strong ourselves, as a priority. Being angry all the time can sap our energy, which we need to survive and rebuild. (Having said that, I know some people are energized by campaigning, but it sounds like you need to look after yourself and your daughter, taking one step at a time.)
So I hope you can find your inner calm and hope to move forward safely and steadily.
Again, I send you my warmest wishes,
MoniqueDear Dadda
I don’t think I can answer much of your questioning, but I wanted to let you know I have read your post (and I am sure others have too) and that you are being heard and thought about.
If you were in the UK, I might ask if you have had any help from the CAB (Citizens Advice Bureau), which gives free advice on lots of things, including legal and financial. Do you know if you have a similar organization in Indiana? I have looked under Resources above, then Indiana and Financial and Legal services and a few things came up. Is any of this useful?
You do deserve to be protected from the emotional pressure (*********?) and physical harassment, as well as the financial and legal hounding you have been receiving.
There are so many different issues here and I can feel the desperation and exhaustion in what you write. Is it possible to SLOW down your thinking and consider ONE thing you can do to protect yourself today? There is a long way to go, I know, but there is a saying about the long journey begins with just one step … And sometimes the serenity prayer (whether or not you believe in a divine being) can help.
Monique
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
— 01/09/2013 13:25:34: post edited by monique.Hi Madge.
It is good to hear from you again. You give a vivid picture of your world, inner and outer, personal and professional, somehow disintegrating around you, while you desperately try to hold things together.
There are no ‘easy fix-it’ replies to make. I can only suggest really trying to s-l-o-w down in your mind, which has so much whirling and swirling around in it – literally, physically stop, breathe deeply and slowly and try to focus very much on the present moment. What is vital to do in that moment? – take a break? do something for the children? tackle whichever task is essential AND also POSSIBLE and practical for you; one thing at a time only. I KNOW this is easy to say and not so easy to do …
You did not do the ‘creative’ things with the finances and it feels very unfair that you should be facing these consequences, but I hope that you can somehow let the procedures take their course, be as honest and straightforward as you can be, but not take on too much advance anxiety or a sense of responsibility for what your husband did. I do hope he finds the right help for his multiple ***** and is truly sincere about accepting the changes that are necessary.
Look after YOU and hold in mind that you are being remembered.
MoniqueKeep hope alive.Dear Stressed
I want to say ***** and hope that you find the support you need on this site.
It is not difficult to see why you would have such strong feelings of anger and resentment, given what you have been through. It is good to express them in a safe place like this, too, and know that you are heard. I suppose one of the problems, though, is that these feelings can end up harming YOU, whilst having little impact on your husband (or his mother, for that matter). I think your post is saying you ARE really full of these negative feelings, but that you WANT to be different – is that right? I think one of the ways to start shifting things for yourself is to turn to considering what YOU now want and how you can look after yourself, even in this messy situation.
It is not easy to comment on your husband’s addiction in terms of ‘illness’ – compulsive gambling can be thought of as a disease, but you clearly feel that, for you, it would be very different if your husband had suffered from cancer or something physical. But I would say that he probably feels very bad about himself and certainly did not intend to become addicted when he first gambled. You are right not to assume all will be well, but if your husband means what he says about not wanting to gamble again, that is hopeful. However a 3 week treatment period will not have solved all his problems and he will need ongoing support – does he have Gamblers Anonymous meetings to attend? use online support? have treatment follow-up? Are you able to talk calmly about what he *****? But also share calmly that you are struggling but that you want to make things better.
But back to YOU. You long for a good family life with some money left over after the bills and debts are paid, of course. You are working very hard to keep things going. What can you do to treat yourself from time to time? – give yourself a break? – think of fun things for a while? Doing something for yourself doesn’t have to cost a huge amount, but you need to relax, forget about debt and bills occasionally and enjoy something that is for you. It is not a luxury to look after yourself, it is a necessity! Your post sounds as if you feel no sense of control – you are doing what you have to do and resenting it. Caring for your self even in little ways can help you feel that you are taking back some control where you can.
I’m not sure I am saying the right things for you here, but you will get other replies and perhaps share in the group sessions and start to work things through. You sound as if you have a lot of determination and strength, which will serve you well. It is good to share with people who have also been/are going through the anguish and turmoil of being involved with a compulsive gambler. I am the mother of gambler, whose life is still in a bad way – he does not live with me, but it is painful for a mother to see this.
I wish you well as you step forward.
Monique
Keep hope alive.Dear Truth-be-told. I want to say my heart went out to you when I read your story. You have come through such a lot that is very, very painful. I am so glad you have had posts from Velvet and Twilight and I hope so much that you will find strength and encouragement from these. I hope you will not feel overwhelmed by the journey ahead, but will instead feel the beginnings of hope, now that you have reached out for help and support. One small step at a time towards a better future. I wish you every good thing. Monique.Keep hope alive.
Hi Adele.
That is a wonderful post – you are so clear-headed and strong now. I admire your perseverance and courage and wish you well as you continue. MoniqueDear Madge
I would suggest that it is not always possible to ‘act normal’ and ‘pretending’ can become very stressful, so don’t put yourself under more pressure than you can cope with.
Of course, you have to be very mindful of the ***** of your family and you have to be wise about sharing things – not everyone will understand or know how to support you wisely. But have you got someone you can really trust? It is not always wise to ‘spill everything’, but is there someone close that could listen to you while you just explain in outline that you are going through a really tough time and may appear less in control etc? Some*****, just knowing that someone else recognizes that you are really struggling can give you some relief.
Have you got anyone who can help a little with the children? Just so you get a space to think about yourself.
If you are feeling very alone, I fear this may not be helpful, but I hear your pain in that post – a sort of desperation and want to encourage you to reach out and receive any useful support you can access.
Compartmentalising is not a long-term solution, but I am sure it is a temporary survival technique for many of us – you probably CAN do it in your professional life, as I note that you are a therapist; maybe a silly idea, but would it help (temporarily, of course) to think of your situation as that of a client? Just to get through some of the crazy *****?
Ignore all this if it does not help – you are being thought about and cared for, even though it is only in the ‘virtual’ world.
MoniqueKeep hope alive.Dear Veryconfused
I write to say ***** and Welcome to this site. I hope it will help you to become less confused at the very least, but also become a place of support, wisdom and encouragement for you.
I think you will find that there are many people who share similar experiences and feelings as you read posts here and/or come into some of the ‘live’ group sessions. Each of us is unique and has a unique relationship with the gambler (partner, son, parent, friend), but there are many things in common, which means we can really help each other. You can also speak to the staff on the Live Advice Helpline, when it is open.
You describe someone you love very much and who has been a soulmate. But his addiction has changed him; he is no longer offering you that kind of relationship – he has made gambling the love of his life for now. This is so painful for you, who are still there with the ability to love as before.
There is hope for him to live a life free of gambling and there is help available; I suggest that you tell him, if you have the opportunity, about this site and its resources and any local Gamblers Anonymous groups you can find out about. If he suddenly stopped gambling on his own – ie without a support network of people who understand the addiction, he may well be feeling pretty bad and unable to cope with his own emotions. This may be why he seems so angry and has walked out. Gamblers are often angry with those close to them and may try to blame them for how they feel – eg, he claims YOU have taken away the thing he loves. But it is his responsibility. He did not want to become addicted, of course, but now that it has happened, he will have to make his own decision to get help and to live without gambling.
Meanwhile, one of the important things that you will learn here, is that your job is to look after YOU. You can guide your husband towards recovery, but you cannot do it for him – but you CAN look after yourself and start a new chapter in YOUR own life. This includes protecting your personal finances and your own emotional and physical well-being. It is likely (in my opinion) that your husband will not stay away, but I feel it would be good for you not to try to persuade him one way or another, at this point. Just try to decide what you want for yourself and work on that. If he stays away a while, use the time to really care for YOU. You may feel that what you want is your good relationship, but that is something that requires two committed people – right now, think about what you want/need that you can work on for yourself. You may be surprised at your thoughts, but see where they take you. We can get so caught up caring for someone else that we get out of touch with our own true *****.
I would also suggest that you do not make any ultimatum to him unless you know you are going to go with it – otherwise you will find yourself manipulated by the addiction/addict. IF you reach a stage where YOU need space on your own, then talk about it seriously, but for now, it is probably good to stay calm and look after yourself.
No one else can tell you exactly what to do, but offer thoughts and ideas, along with support, so you can work out what’s right for you, step by step. No one can say what the longer term outcome will be, but help you as you walk forward on your own new and better path.
I hope this is of some help and that you will find more of what you need here.
Monique
Keep hope alive.Hi San
So lovely to read your update and I am very glad to hear that your scan was clear.
Your whole post comes over with such notes of wisdom, learning through experience and making the most of the ‘now’. It is very uplifting.
Stay strong.
Wishing you well as ever, MoniqueHi Lolly
I note you use the word ‘naively’ to describe the way you are hoping that your partner will recognize his problem and stop gambling.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but I feel I should say that ‘naive’ is not good in relation to gambling addiction. I am NOT judging you – I think all of us who love a gambler have been ‘naive’ about the addiction – after all, we know the person and all the good things about them; we also perhaps know their vulnerabilities and other struggles in life, so we tend to be sympathetic, non-critical and helpful.
But, because the addiction thrives on secrecy and lies and the gambler acts in ways that are very different from the way he would be if not addicted, family members and partners have to learn to cope with very disappointing revelations and to become scrupulously honest within our own minds. It can feel horrible facing the full truth. But this is where support from others can really help you through. It may feel very hard to put aside ‘easy hope’ in order to strive for a more realistic, long-term hopefulness.
And once again, you can take action to make your own future more hopeful – that is the most vital thing for you. Your partner must take the ultimate responsibility for his life, current and future.
Take courage.
Monique