[Monica1]

Well, it’s an interesting debate. I am one of those you speak about. I play games and always have done in recovery. Has it ever led to gambling? No. And I have had quite a few emails in lockdown which I just delete. Have I spent more than I should? Yes. Particularly this past month, I have spent as much as half a nights gambling. For some it would be a lot of money, and it would have been better if I saved it. Will I be broke as a result? No. I have eaten very well, paid for my courses and got stuff for my home which I do every month. I will have a small amount of my salary left at the end of the month.
Do I regret spending it? Yes. It is clearly my gambling substitute. AndI find I am now uNtil payday my challenge is not to spend or waste any more on it. I was the same after Xmas, having spent a lot more over that time period than now, but it is still quite a lot to throw away. I still cook a lot, am doing and paying for my courses, three of them in lockdown. I go out into my shared garden daily when it is warm. But i am still bored, demotivated and fed up. I have been home now for nearly nine weeks. I don’t like going out the front door and get most of my things delivered. Does it give me a gambling hit? No.
Is it a form of harm reduction? I suppose so. Can I keep to a budget that I might have for it? No. Is it compulsive? Not really as I stop and can stop playing for as long as I care to.
So, is the jury out on that one? Comments welcome. It is a difficult one.

[Monica1]

What a lovely post to read. Well done on your gf time and a very well done in your new enterprise. Sounds great.

[Monica1]

Welcome to the site. If anyone understands your situation it is me. I started gambling when I was recovering from kidney cancer surgery in 2011. Five and a half years of destruction ending up in destitution. I started as I was so used to working and my recuperation was delayed after going back to work and having to stop again. The reasons why I gambled to such destruction were multiple but the reality was I self destructed and lost my faith that anything would turn out well again. I was wrong, of course. I was angry at how everything had turned out. My relationship ship went at the same time as soon as I got out of hospital.
I am now two years and nine months gambling free. If I can do it so can you.
I would recommend getting counselling support. Having a cancer diagnosis and gambling to destruction is not that an unusual phenomenon. To get a terminal diagnosis is a very hard thing but doctors really don’t know everything. You have done five years and that is great, well done. A close friend of mine with metastatic cancer is recovering and getting better very slowly on a combo of traditional and natural treatments.
We have to admit to ourselves that we are powerless over gambling and let our higher power, whatever you believe that to be, to take the reins, But you must get counselling support from a gambling specific or addictions counsellor. When we have a cancer diagnosis, there are many emotions we need to work through. I never sought counselling help when I had cancer and I believe if I did I might have avoided a trail of destruction through gambling.
This site is great, to journal o to join the groups in chat.
Good luck and keep posting.

[Monica1]

I very much appreciate you saying that. Yes, there are still difficulties in Iife, recovery doesn’t mean the land of milk and honey beckons but it certainly beats the misery of gambling.
On Saturday I didn’t clean up, but did today and totally cleaned my bedroom. On Saturday I studied for about three hours of Qi gong instead, watching videos Taking in the movements. . I am doing a lot of the sitting meditations to start with as I find my focus and concentration isn’t great, and I need to develop it. Being glued to the iPad and playing games for a few hours is terrible for the focus and concentration. I have rampant attention deficit so Qi gong will help slow things down and build the ability to focus. I am building up to doing the flow of movements as they take a bit of learning,
For about the past ten days I have had fairly constant left kidney pain, the place where I have half a left kidney left from the cancer a long while back now in 2011. It is a bit worrying and accounts for some of my tiredness and shadows under the eyes I think. I did some Qi gong exercises to strengthen the kidneys and it has actually succeeded in taking Away the pain. I have known for a while that all is not well there but I was so glowing And well from the diet that I ignored doing anything about it. I think my two lattes in the morning from my lovely coffee machine are not helping matters so I will need to make some changes too.
Lockdown has not helped me, aside from giving me the time to study things I am interested in. I feel that things have gone backwards, I had a great routine of self care going, and I feel that Not doing these and the lack of fresh air has really not helped me. I have had a tendency to veg out and play games like almost being frozen in my house, and it has to change soon.
My son has said he is making some changes and cleaning his life up. He has been on a diet as he finds now he has got to 38 that you can’t just keep abusing your body and expect it not to react. He lost weight and has now put it all back on. I can see he is quite genuine about making changes and is going on a juice fast. I cooked dinner for him today and had an early night, I am stopping the hello fresh as they are very calorific although my weight is pretty stable at the moment but it does seem to fluctuate a bit. They made another mistake this week and instead of getting the dishes I ordered they chose for me and of course, sent me things I do not like.

[Monica1]

It seems we r all missing those improvements that we had in our lives. They have made a difference and we miss them when they r no longer there. I certainly do and I notice the effects of not having them.
My view on The Secret, you can keep on saying I am this or I am that but without inner Change and dealing with stuff it gets stopped and won’t happen. I always think that our higher selves or God, however you view your higher power, knows what’s best for us and that we should always surrender to that. Bringing in desires sometimes just feeds the ego. It gets it and then it wants more or something else. Never satisfied and the road to hell and ruin. I am very dubious about it although I get the law of attraction as I have seen synchronous energy at work ie like attracts like. We should have a debate on it in chat. It sometimes reminds me of Canute and the waves, ie you can keep on saying it over and over again, ie I am calm, I am abundantly wealthy etc but if you haven’t dealt with your underlying anger or maybe poverty consciousness it is just like Canute and the waves. Pointless.
Yes, it is nice to get out and meet people, we are social beings, and I am glad u got the opportunity to do that. Me and you meet on housework, see my thread just now…

[Monica1]

Yes. Ty for your post, it was helpful. Whatever the ‘hammering’ was about it sorted out. I know how this type of experience upsets u and personally I didn’t get it, buy hey ho. it got sorted and that’s the main thing.
I am still faffing about being quite lazy, playing games. Today however is tidy up day. That is my only objective for today. See if I get there at the end of the day. My son has come back saying he knows he lost it and he knows the score with everything. He just wants his independence back and I get that. But I remain steadfast.
I feel as though with lockdown I have gone backwards and some of the previous good work has been undone. Before all this kicked off I looked vibrant and now I don’t. It is day 54 today, 7 weeks and 4 days. I need a cut and colour, I am pale from lack of fresh air and still have a backache from stooping over my work laptop. Plus gained some weight. I miss my massages, facials and reflexology. I need to get back on track.

[Monica1]

Today I still feel a bit bruised and I just wish I could shake off the tired drained feeling I wake up with daily but I think it is quite pervasive. I go for a walk through the park to the local shop in the afternoon and take a bus back taking care not to touch anything. I would t normally do that but I hate that frozen feeling from being stuck indoors. I can completely veg out so easily. It actually helps a bit. I shift all my work,stuff into the front room and it feels better working from there, I have developed back pain from stooping over my laptop on my king size bed.
I do a work course in the afternoon on using Microsoft teams ie for remote working teams. The view was that this is the way forward and we may be working this way for a long time, iBook a healing session With the American healer I am doing my medical intuitive course With and rearrange my budget for a month. Hello fresh have messed up this weeks order so on meals I really look forward I have ones I really hate coming,so I have canned them to save money and they are still too calorific. Concerned that I will undo all the good work if I carry on eating them as have already put in 4 lbs since lockdown.
My son is staying away at his friends to cool off and I get another apology by text. I say he cannot keep being stuck in the past and has to get counselling support to deal with his issues, He can be really vicious with his words, and his Scorpio sting. I can see he was under a lot of pressure, with no money coming in and baby coming. but even so I say as soon as he is able to he needs to move out. He says he feels useless. I say he is anything but that. He has done a lot of work in the house but I know he is even more stir crazy than me.

[Monica1]

Thanks so much for your posts. I knew you would reply as I know that you too have personally experienced same. As he has done before he sent me some horrible texts, stuff my food, stuff the dishwasher, he didn’t want any of that. And then a couple of hours later, an apology saying sorry he made me cry and upset me, he is staying away at his friends And at shantis place for a few days as he has issues he needs to deal with and that being around me kept bringing up childhood stuff. I say he has crossed a line and that all I ever wanted to do was help. And I know now that he cannot live here with me, not if I value my own self worth, which I do. I had the same drained feeling I recognise from many years ago, it is called emotional abuse from someone who will always have a space in my heart. It has been the story of my life, coming into my own power and not accepting any form of abuse or control from anyone.
He pushes my buttons and I push his, but merely saying stop jeopardising social distancing by visiting his dad and friends is not an unreasonable request. He said he has tried to get counselling ,but no joy and thinks he came off the anti depressants too quickly. I agree he needs counselling. He cannot let go of the past and is repeating the male anger patterns of his childhood.
I do a gma private outreach group this evening and it was a nice share. Everyone was feeling a bit low today.
I do my class tonight which was enjoyable but I still feel like a wrung out dishcloth with tears quite close to the surface.

[Monica1]

So the few work calls I have After the row demonstrate to me that this pressure cooker called lockdown is causing many people problems. Things have a tendency to be synchronous in energetic patterns. A senior colleague mentions her husband has asked her for a divorce. Another colleague has old family rows brewing again. Everything that may have been an issue previously gets blown out of all proportion.
I don’t think we can all continue like this.
Pete calls and puts some perspective on it but I start to well up again just talking about it. My son has no right to keep going on about my relationships. It is my business as is his his business. What I do notice is that the universe tries to help the situation. As we help another we help ourselves. I felt wounded by the row this morning and in three calls subsequently separate issues come up and they all help with perspective.
Pete hit the nail on the head, he said it is the disrespect that is the hardest to deal with and I agree, it is. Pete Sid that my son. Has never dealt with these issues even though he says he has, he keeps hitting me with them every time a disagreement comes up

[Monica1]

Ty idi and Vera. Both your posts on knitting debacles made me laugh. I will persist, the company sent me a video today as to how to do it so the fragile angora wool doesn’t keep breaking.

Having read liz thread today I can relate, I am starting to sink into a depression and spent another amount of money playing computer games last night. It mounts up a bit. I was upset as my son went round to a friends house Last night to build his company website, again paying scant regard to social distancing. I understand the pressure as he isn’t working but it upsets me that he just disregards our welfare. He stayed at his friends overnight. My other son was building his website but won’t speak to him after inviting him round when I was just getting over a covid or not type flu. This is the third time he has done this since lockdown.
Today we have an almighty row and he crossed the line with me. The bile from his childhood came out and he said That I stole his childhood. It is hard for me to accept that He is so selfish and disrespectful.
It made me weep and I was already feeling tired and a little depressed today. He hates Pete, and he said just go with Pete, give him the space in my house, stuff your food etc. All I have done is tried to help my son, he still lives here rent free and I only ask him to contribute and share the electricity bill. I have had some difficulty with him taking over in my home to the extent that I feel pushed out and he has so many issues with my untidiness. I have no issues with my untidiness and neither does Pete. I try. He really had crossed a line and it reminded me of abusive relationships which I won’t tolerate and will not have in my life. I have asked him to leave as soon as he is able to. This is not something you can just say sorry and make up, a line has been crossed. It is becoming something that is detrimental to my wellbeing and what else can I do? It upset me a lot. There is nothing I can do about it except protect myself from this type of emotional pain.

[Monica1]

Lockdown is a potential disaster for folks in recovery and for those people who innocently dabble as a form of escape and then fall into the big trap. And who wouldn’t want some form of escape in these difficult days. I was pleased to see gambling ads banned in the U.K. but too little too late yet again. And they aren’t banned on social media or the internet. Read a news article yesterday to have a big ad for a casino bang right in the middle of it. Annoying.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your replies. Vera would be great to catch up. Ty. And I will look up the professor you speak of.
Even though I also am a great procrastinator I can’t sit still for very long, I get incredibly bored and need to keep moving in a positive direction.
I have had to go back to the couture knitting company as the lovely angora wool broke 6 times casting on. They are going to send me a video to help with my technique. Honestly it’s knitting a square and I can’t even get that right!

[Monica1]

I have been quite unmotivated and lazy, not work wise particularly, although not as on form as I should be, but everything else. I Have not kept to my diet, although we are all eating very well on my weekly organic delivery and hello fresh meals. However, hello fresh are too calorific and in my 7 weeks and 2 days of lockdown I have put on 4 lbs, probably the chocolate and the occasional pudding. I have to do something about discipline and motivation. I have always been very disciplined in my work, but totally the opposite with everything else, like I can’t be bothered. Anyone have any ideas at how to support this, aside from just doing it?! I still haven’t been on the treadmill, I used to walk long distances when I was working which helped with fitness. I must force myself to go on it.
I am looking at the future, when we emerge out of all of this. I have to make planning and preparations for moving to Cornwall, which I will need an alternative career. The thing that stops me from doing a wellness blog, is the ‘what if I get sick?’ Conundrum.
I am really aware that I no longer want to take two long tube journeys and the battling for my team I have found waring. I have just won another battle but the forcing of people who are vulnerable to come in I have found draining and just makes me see how some awful decisions have been made by those who should know better. However, I have won every battle thus far.
With Germany infection rate going up, releasing lockdown measures don’t seem like they will happen soon. I think people need forward movement and hope. We are not made to just stand still for long periods of time as if we were all in prison. Humans just not made that way.

[Monica1]

Ok, this probably won’t help you but as you asked:
I was 55 when I developed a gambling addiction.
It all started innocently enough playing bingo whilst recovering from major surgery for kidney cancer, avoiding the slots, having an early 2k win on a scratch card, and then graduating to the evil slots 3 months later.i had gone back to work two months after surgery, was still unwell and had to take another two to three months off. Work had always been my refuge.
My partner left me physically and emotionally when I came out of hospital which lasted for years until he moved out at my request after counselling. We have subsequently got back together and it is completely different to what it was
I lost my faith in God and started to self destruct
I had supported many people in life, including my family but this was not always reciprocated. I was always the one that people turned to for help but had very little help myself. So that was unbalanced and I was questioning as to whether life was worth living.
It was an existential crisis of faith and of life itself in that I felt that very little had worked out well in my life, it had had a lot of trauma and unhappiness aside from work, which was my refuge.
Bye the bye, I do not feel that way any more and have not for a long time. I worked through recovery. I prayed to god for help and I got it although it wasn’t easy for the first few months, I was ill physically, emotionally and spiritually. There is far more balance in my Iife now, although not perfect.
Incidentally, you can just ask God to help you, there is nothing special about it. Talk to Him as you would a trusted friend, because that is indeed what He is. Just my take, it can be your higher power, however and whatever you believe that to be.

[Monica1]

Well, the good weather has passed and it is now raining outside. On Sunday I lay in the garden again cloud watching and almost drifted off, there is something about blue skies and greenery that is so calming.
My second knitting project has arrived, a baby blanket. The first lies unfinished with a broken knitting needle and the wool in a jumbled mess. This is simple, it is knitting a big square. Surely I can’t go wrong on that one.
Well, we have passed the peak of the epidemic, the downward curve is far more pronounced in London. My hospital bore the brunt of the epidemic, for some reason north London was the worst affected region in the U.K. over 500 deaths and 700 recovered plus some staff has died. They stopped telling us who in their daily bulletins a while ago. We had a communication from the hospital today to say so and some planned work will be starting up again. No one thinks it is over though. At 11am there will be a minutes silence for all of the 100 or so healthcare workers who have died, plus the others, transport workers, care workers etc. Too many and we were unprepared despite warnings as far back as 2016.
I, for one, won’t want to be going back on the tube any time soon.

[Author]

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