[Michelle7]

https://www.gamblingtherapy.org/en/node/add/forum/871 I’m not sure if this will work for u Jenny but try this link. I hope you are ok and look forward to speaking to you more. Hopefully this link will work for you to add a new topic xx

[Michelle7]

Hi velvet,

Again thank you for your reply. Your responses mean so much and your words always ring so much truth with how I’m feeling and almost puts my feelings into words for me to better understand this addiction. Reading them brings me to tears as it hits home so much.

To know there are ppl out there who have over came their addiction gives me so much hope. I hope to god I can say the same one day but it is very selfish of me to say that sometimes I get angry at the thought of him sorting himself after the addiction has taken so much of me that I fear I’ll never get bk such as hope, trust, love. I fear one day he’ll be happy and gamble free but I don’t think I’ll ever get over this, Ive lost him now, I know I can’t go back regardless so I’ve lost my love to this, I’ve lost hope of finding anyone else I’ll ever love and I doubt I’ll trust ever again as this addiction to me has been invisible whereas he knew what he was doing and when he had stopped etc, I was constantly living in fear daily. For him when he stops gambling his new life can begin, I’ll always be afraid of what I can not see. Even writing this I know that probably doesn’t make sense to anyone and is extremely selfish. I kno that, I want him to sort it out, I need him to to be the dad I need for our son but my heart still breaks as I kno I’ve lost my partner forever and eventually regardless of the addiction continuing or he wins this battle which I hope to god he does, I still have so much heartbreak to endure.

I know I shouldn’t feel guilty as I know none of us should, I know it’s not our faults, i know this is an addiction but sometimes I just need to let those feelings out, my head tells me a different story, I can be very logical with it all and understand as much as I possibly can but sometimes my feelings just don’t match my head and I let them all out on this page especially when I’m having a low day like today.

“Why prod the sleeping beast” – exactly. This has been the very attitude of the family and I can understand it. Why prod indeed. I know it’s human nature to ignore the issues as long as it isn’t affecting their life’s. I told his family years ago stupidly thinking I would be thrown a life line, it’s only caused me more disappointment as I’ve felt so let down and had not only no support but going behind my back to enable him which I can’t quite understand. It enrages me. It’s one thing to ignore and hope it goes away and to be so ignorant to the addiction but to enable it when the person themselves has said do not give me money under no circumstances is another. Just Saturday night there I was met with pictures of them at a casino. I almost feel like they r taking my face and rubbing it into mud. this is their brother who has left me devastated and in debt and left our son without his father in his home and they think it’s to to take him to a casino knowing this very addiction is the root of all our problems. I just find it so disrespectful as I sit in the house heartbroken and struggling to pay our debts, yet they act like they have done not a thing wrong. This addiction isn’t publicised enough at all and there so many Ppl out there who aren’t aware of how much it grips onto ppl and ruins life’s. I continuously preach to those who r lucky enough to be ignorant to it too but often it’s met with an uncaring response but I never let ppl brush it off as nothing as ive met so many ppl who do not believe it can be an “addiction” – lucky them.

Im so glad you found yourself again. I’m so glad you cg has the addiction under control. I’m so glad ur on here to point me in the right direction and to give me hope that one day I’ll at least remember who I am. Thank you

Michelle

[Michelle7]

I literally cried reading your reply and I could feel that horrible sinking pain in my stomach as u described the things that had happened to you as I kno it only too well. The tears have started just writing this response to you. I don’t kno when I’ll ever feel better or if I ever will but as you say we need to look after ourselves now, and hopefully out of that something better will become and maybe I’ll start to remember who I am again.

I guess none of us can change our cg’s no matter how hard we try. With every story although different I think it’s the one thing that’s common that none of us can change them until they want to change themselves. Just heartbreaking that it takes so so much and even when they’ve lost it all they still haven’t reached as u described so well their “rock bottom”. I’ve thought previously losing ur family and home and having quite literally nothing would be enough to make a change but it hasn’t been. Sometimes I swing between understanding and realising it just shows how much this addiction has a hold on him and other times I think he just can’t care because why would you throw it all away for something so worthless compared to ur partner, children and future. It’s hard sometimes as thoughts like that only lead to further depression.

“Why wasn’t I enough” – your words ring so much truth to how i feel and the thoughts that go thru my head daily. It’s something I’ve often screamed at him during the worst moments. I think I’ll always wonder why were we not enough. I’d put my life Infront of my child’s so how can he throw it away for this lifestyle. I kno really it’s so much deeper, but sometimes u can’t help yourself slipping bk into the feeling low and letting these thoughts over come. I can’t help him, and I almost know it’s not his fault, I just wish he’d be strong enough to have put us thru this and I wish this horrible addiction did not exist and we would not be feeling the pain n anxiety and depression that it causes.

I hope you are ok, we do not deserve this. I don’t know what’s next but I do know it has to be about us now. You sound like your at the same stage I am and have tried so hard but now know it’s time to let go. Thank you so much for your reply, I kno it would have taken a lot especially when you are going thru so much yourself. Please keep me updated with how you are doing.

Michelle

[Michelle7]

Hi everyone, I’m really sorry, sometimes I reply so much in my head i totally forget I haven’t physically replied! Thanks very much for responding as it always means a lot to hear from ppl who take the time to read my story and care enough to respond.

Thank u so much Michelle, as much as I don’t want anyone else to be going thru what I am at the same time it gives me comfort to know I’m not alone and someone out there understands what it’s like to live with this. I think right now the emotion I’m struggling with recently is guilt and although I kno I’d tell anyone else it’s not their fault and they r doing great I almost feel guilty I’ve put my son thru this, his father says he does his best and tbh he does more than some but he’s still not the dad I wanted my son to have and his family r much the same. I feel guilty he’s left with me and my mum and dad when they can help out which also brings out guilt in me as I hate to rely on them and my mum doesn’t keep well. Right now he sees him a day a week which could b only a few hours right now as he try’s to get his flat sorted but as we kno it’s going to be a long road especially when he has nothing and I imagine still gambling. It’s pay day for him tomorrow and I still feel sick to my stomach at what mess he’s going to get in. It’s not my business outside money he owes me which im yet to see but I still feel ill at the thought of him throwing his life away to gambling. I still hear the love yous and I think it’s taking its toll on him now and it’s hard because for the majority of it gambling is an invisible disease and it’s so easy to forget why its ruining your life in moments you can see the person you love and it’s a constant battle trying to keep the moments of heartbreak fresh as to keep yourself strong. No one asks how I’m doing. I’m supposed to just get on. Which I do. I think my family forget even tho he’s done wrong and it might be the “right” thing for us to be apart my heart still breaks every day, I cry everyday. I get angry and annoyed and bitter at him having the opportunity for a new life at times, I love my son more than life itself and he is always going to be my priority without a thought but I see him being able to meet with friends etc whilst I’m picking up the pieces of his mess and I don’t think it’s fair but gambling isn’t fair, I guess relationship break downs just aren’t fair. I have so much to be grateful for and God knows I am so at times I feel down I feel guilty for letting myself but sometimes u just can’t help it, the past 5/6 years has knocked it out me. I was a young girl when this all began and i gave it my everything. I hope your well Michelle and you too velvet and hope to hear from yous soon.

Michelle

[Michelle7]

Thank you velvet, I only say “we” in regards to phone as if has to pay the money to get it back from a pawn shop, I was going to do this myself as I expected a long road of excuses before it was done and needed it sorted ASAP but he surprisingly has paid it (with gambling money) and I have to get it today but I don’t hold my breath until it’s in my hands. As I’ve said he’s paid the phone with gambling money and whilst I’ve been thru him explaining this does not solve the root of the problem and nothing will ever sort if he is gambling i have to say it’s one of the ONLY times I’ve ever known him to gamble and walk away and pay something important and not gamble the lot. The problem is usually he is unable to walk away even with a win as you will know. He will gamble to the last penny then overcome each obstacle to get money to chase what’s lost and so on continuously but knows deep down he will never win because he’s unable to walk away n no win is “enough”. He’s said he knows this and he needed sort problems forefront in his mind I.e. Phone and now everything else is manageable on a monthly basis. I kno this is excuses and if he had intention of sorting his life he’d start from the bottom up but I hold on to slight differences hoping he’s eventually going to fall in the right direction but I kno now nothing I say or do will affect that and it’s not my job. I’ve tried everything in my power and I’m out now, it’s down to him n him alone and as frustrating as that is and heartbreaking I know I’ve done everything and I need to stop blaming myself and thinking what if. There’s just a huge part of him that’s still here outside the gambling, I get to see him as my partner, as my sons dad and almost forget that part and it hurts that I can’t have that because we all love each other so much or so I think. I’ve doubted everything now as i don’t fully nor never will understand the mind set or thought process or personality traits of a gambler so at times I wonder if it’s all been a lie and if he’s lived n lied so much is our relationship a lie although he protests he’s only ever lied about gambling and anything that has been around covering up gambling but as an honest person I question if someone can lie about these things then could he/would he lie about everything else. I suppose there’s no point in thinking about it but I can’t help myself at times, it’s hard to hear he’s not gave up on us because I need to be strong continuously and remind myself I can not live in this horrible life any longer. It’s just hard to cut off when u love someone although I know that’s what I need to do. I do completely put myself and my son first. That’s the only thing I kno now I’m just disappointed I’ve not been able give him the family I wish I could have. As for the fraud issue he has completely taken the blame and I explained exactly what’s happened and who. He was ready to take that on completely but doesn’t change what’s happened. I just hope I find some peace among this, I also hope he begins to live his life, for so long I’ve fought for us but now I just want us both to find happiness and start living, I hate that this has a control over him. I’m sorry, I’ve completely rabbled from one thing to another. I don’t know the best way to communicate my feelings on this.

Michelle

[Michelle7]

Hi guys, I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve wrote. I’ve just had a few health issues and just dealing with day to day with the seperation. Velvet thank you for your reply, the way u describe the way a gambler will defend their addiction really rang true, so many times I’ve been lost in arguments heartbroken and no idea how I got there and now I can think bk and know exactly it was because he was in such a state to keep his addiction uncovered. I’ve had more trouble arise thru his gambling, he pretended he had lost a new phone or more likely it was stolen which I’d bought him, I claimed the insurance , all in my name, as a partner of a gambler i questioned it but the act he put up to everyone no one in this world would have thought he was lying, however weeks down the line I get a lovely letter telling me I am facing fraud as he had sold it that day. You’d think I’d be used to this but it was yet another stab in the heart, the pretence he put up was unbelievable but then that’s a gambler for u. We r in the midst of trying to sort this mess. He’s still gambling. He is starting to regret his actions yet again. I’m hearing the usual about how he loves us more than life and he hasn’t given up on hope we can be together. I love him but I can’t put me or my son thru it again. It’s heart breaking. I’ve had no control over it and I’ve been left while I kno how easy n happy it could have been. It hurts me every day. Katbriver thank u too for ur reply, as much as it’s horrible and breaks my heart knowing there’s other ppl out there suffering from this addiction it’s the first time I’ve not felt alone. I’m sure under this illness your mum is still the person u remember and I hope she overcomes it. This has left me doubting every aspect of my relationship. For a while I have been terrified I will be ashamed to call him my sons father if he lets this take over. Things seem to b slightly picking up but I just don’t know, I feel like I’m in limbo. I see him and it’s so easy to forget and to love as I get to see him and not the disease but I can’t live with that feeling in the pit of my stomach and I can’t go thru this heartbreak again.

Michelle

[Michelle7]

Hi Velvet,

Thank you again for your reply. I noticed the support group part but I hadn’t looked into it very much. I’m using my mobile so I’m not sure if I’ll be able to join without being on a laptop? . I think it would most definitely be a good support for me at the moment.

Lacking self esteem and confidence has been a huge factor I guess not only for me but my ex partner over the past 5 years. Does it sound bad to say even tho he’s only been out the house a matter of days and my heart is broken I almost feel a weight has slightly lifted off my shoulders? I’ve lived an unhappy untrusting life for so long now I can’t remember what anything else feels like. I don’t believe in happy honest relationships.

My partner began to realise about 5 years ago he had an addiction but it wasn’t completely sunk in, he’d heard of someone who had been to meetings and there was a series of questions and he could say yes to almost every one. He joked about it but I knew then he was trying to tell me something and slowly but surely the signs all began showing. It got worse and worse. I had my son and I stupidly thought love would be enough, I kno now love or anything else does not come into it. I paid thousands of pounds of debts to keep him safe, they came with promises each time, none of which were kept, although some lasted longer than others. Over n above this my mum was ill, my mum n dad were seperating and I had moved into a flat with my cg and was left to provide for us all. with the gambling haunting me. I was depressed but I didn’t breathe a word and just took care of my son. I could cry all day thinking about single moments that were destroyed with gambling, what I can say tho is whilst my heart broke, he didn’t seem to change, water off a ducks back I guess? So used to it? There didn’t seem to be an obvious change in him although now I can very slightly tell when it’s happening but still nothing majorly obvious. He attended meetings. Admitting he’s a cg, very rarely spoke about them unless I asked which I did. He had stopped gambling as far as I’m aware for about 6 months, he missed some meetings here and there and then I found out he had stolen from our son, swore on his life he hadn’t then later admitted it, that was it for me, I phoned his family stupidly thinking I need support, they’ll help. He moved in with his mum but there was no support at all. We knew we couldn’t be together, a year or so passed and he decided he had to change because he wanted to be with us, I think before things had got so bad in the relationship he didn’t even kno if we were to be because gambling affected so much. He started meetings again and stopped apparently for about 10 months and then had a relapse. Again he stopped and I moved into a new flat and as far as I knew he hadn’t been gambling, he had been paying his way etc which was a massive step as previously he wouldn’t have a penny, every single pence was used for gambling, he’d walk miles to pretend everything was ok when he’s gambled bus fare. He moved in and I’d almost forgot what that life had felt like till I started to get the feeling in the pit of my stomach, after a few days n full day crying n begging him to tell me what was wrong he told me he’d gambled his full wage again. We agreed to meetings and me to have control of money. I’m sure I’ve went into this so I won’t again and bore u but that hasn’t stopped him, he lasted 2 months n we are bk here again but he attended meetings, he admits he’s a cg, very aware n very much so a clever and logic person when gambling isn’t involved. I’ve asked him why n bombarded him with how could he do this to us n lists of the lies, he says he’s not looking for an excuses. It’s very simple, he’s cg and he done everything he could to hide that he’d gambled. Where I can’t get thru my head how someone can go on hol and pretend all is ok n allow us to spend money his answer is he never knew, in his head he would make it all ok somehow. He needs help but obviously meetings aren’t quite doing that for him right now. He’s currently looking for a flat. Something he’s never done before, he says he can’t be with family as he needs to sort this himself and that’s not helping although his family don’t want him either anyway. I fight with myself thinking maybe he’s just a liar. Maybe he’s just a horrible person. I see a side which takes up most of his being n it’s who I chose to be with, it’s the monster he is when I’m not there that’s killing us, it’s the unknown, I can’t be with someone I don’t think I actually know.

Michelle x

[Michelle7]

I just wanted to thank you both for your replies. It means a lot for someone to take the time out to read and reply, it’s very much appreciated.

Velvet, I’m so glad u understood my story as I wrote it so quickly without clearly thinking just trying desperately to put everything across but so much was going thru my head I didn’t know if it’d make much sense to anyone.
Michelle, ur story was one that I came across last night and I have to say I also felt like I could relate massively especially because of our children!
I’ve tried desperately to understand this addiction but I guess no one can understand it completely, not even the cg in my case I don’t think. I’m so glad I’ve came across this site. Although reading some stories on the forum I felt horribly sorry for the other families etc as I could feel the pain as I read as if it was my own it was also the first time I didn’t feel so alone. I’ve never spoken to anyone who has experienced gambling as I have, I’ve always felt very much an outcast with this horrible problem and as friends n family maybe listen now and then I kno we r the topic of discussion and “she’s stupid for taking him back” attitude is probably universal. Thank you both again for your replies

Michelle xxx

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