[margie101]

Hi. Congratulations on recognizing that you have a problem and getting help.

I just want to encourage you to follow up with the resources on this site. I have found very thoughtful and considered insights.

Sometimes, just knowing that you are not alone, and that other people ‘get it’ can be massively helpful.

I wish you the best on your journey, wherever you need to go.

[margie101]

General Question on topic of therapy adult survivors/ escapees.

Are there professionals who work with people who have experienced fallout from gambling?

I have a Psychiatrist that I see for med mgt, and I don’t want to have to explain the environments of living with a gambler. I think I want short and focused.

I am feeling really guilty about letting things loose on the Forum. It’s been massively helpful.

Am I looking for something that doesn’t exist?

• This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by margie101.

[margie101]

Velvet,
Thanks so much for your posts. You give me a lot of good thoughts, and I have to take time to ponder them.

I really appreciate your post that I should recognize and appreciate my accomplishments, and myself. I have been thinking about that for days, and I realized I didn’t have an emotion to fit with that. In the “crazy people world” of my parents, you had to consider all of the reasons why you are just fooling yourself if you felt good about something. Two reasons: the old “you’re not good enough’, and the gambler thinking- a win isn’t really a win unless you balance it against losses, or mistakes. That realization is a real eye-opener for me. I really have not allowed myself to feel good about myself, without regard to what I’ve done, or the million ways I could have done it better.

This is really a change in my thinking- to allow myself to trust that it’s OK to feel good. I don’t have to constantly validate that it’s good enough.

Validation. I always wanted it, and was always looking for it. I think I am finding it now. I have tremendous respect for the fact that you’ve been involved with the whole gambling thing for 40 years. I feel that you understand the dual-world nature of living with a gambler. Not having to explain things to you and others in this Forum, means a lot. For some reason, I respect and trust insights and opinions from people who ‘get it’.

I have been chewing on the idea that my parents were off on their doomed mission, and I was just born into it. Another layer of ‘guilt’ or ‘wrongness’ on my part is now gone.

Boys vs girls. That was kind of a factor. As I wrote in my short story about these folks, neither was in any way prepared for adulthood, let alone parenting. He was the youngest of 7; father alcoholic, mother dies, his much older sisters rule the house, and literally throw his out of the house at age 15. He came home from school,and his belongings were packed into 2 boxes and put on the back porch and the doors were locked. She was an only child, who grew up in a family of 5 adults. She did not like children, she is a little on the brittle side. If a baby cries in a restaurant, she freezes, then explodes in anger. The rest of the meal is ruined as she lets her anger grow.(yes, they have been told to leave restaurants ). It’s embarrassing to admit that your parents are completely inept. I think a telling factor is that he was not aware of child-rearing theories.. he did not read or investigate much. She did not believe in getting help… it was a sign of weakness.. so, who in their right minds could ever expect this union to be a success? Maybe if they had time to grow up, and get some maturity before having children.

So, I overheard my father say to a neighbor that he was glad he had girls, because you had to “do things” with boys. I think he meant that boys are active and get into trouble, whereas you can just give a girl a book and put her in her room. No muss, no fuss.
Mrs. Brittle could not handle boys at all. She would have had a complete nervous breakdown. Her husband would have had to raise the kid. As it was, he was the one who got up at night for sick kids, asked you why you were crying. He at least had a heart, someplace under all of his own problems.

This may read like I’ve thought about this a lot. I had a small episode 3 years ago, when I got some time to open the Box of Horrible Memories (actually, the lid on the box flew off), and began to see him in a new light. Not as the screaming ogre that she turned him into, but what he might have been able to make of himself. He was born into a bad situation, and always tried to be “good” and make something of himself. Unfortunately, he ran into her. She convinced him that she had all of the answers. She was looking for a way out of her life.

Big thank you: growing up, and being told I was defective and inadequate, I have naturally been trying to “fix” myself. I used to be suicidal because I couldn’t fix myself. I kept looking for signs of inadequacy and signs that it was fixed. I no longer feel this way. All of those things that my parents told me are not true. I can write that my parents LIED and purposely mislead me. It was not my fault. I did not deserve that treatment. I really see and believe this.

Hope this post isn’t too long or rambling. I went to the New Members meeting on Thursday. Very glad I went, much validation, and just nice to share with people who “get it”. I plan to attend Tuesday’s meeting.

Thanks you so much. Your posts really help.

[margie101]

Velvet,
Many thanks for the thoughtful postings. You have given me a lot to think about. I especially appreciate “Trying to make sense of the senselessness of it does not help”.

If I could have 1 thing, it would be acknowledgement and validation from a respected source that my parents behavior, as parents, was unacceptable.

My sisters and I all escaped the day we went away to college. I did not maintain contact with my parents. My sisters and their partners had limited contact for a while before they also broke contact.

Aside from my father’s physical violence and his wife’s explosive anger, the thing that bothers me most was that my sisters and I were never good enough for my parents. Not surprisingly, the rules and standards for our judgement constantly changed. 5 A’s and 1 B: where is the 6th A? Bring home 6 A’s, and they say “you call that an A? Skin of your teeth”?

This kind of constant “you’re just no good as a person” approach, combined with the fact that we had no other adults in our lives who could see and maybe stop my parents was a 20 year pattern.

The hypocrisy of my parents is overwhelming. It made me want to run away or just give up, but I knew that I would be judged ‘a problem child’ and my parents would never say there were any problems at home.

So, I fell 100% better after reading that there are people who understand what can go on inside houses. I am not alone. And, I am not an “inherently defective” person, with a “defective personality”, that I have been trying to fix for years. Knowing that these are not true is liberating.

I really appreciate you taking time to write on this Forum. I do appreciate, in the abstract, the pain of gamblers. As many people do, I put some of my thoughts about my parents situation into short stories. I focused on my father as the hub, rather than his loud and in-your-face wife. The stories don’t have a title, but the sub-title is “the story of a tragic man whose life was ruined when he married the wrong woman”. I used short stories to explore what I lived with.

Thank you again for responding. I think I have my GMT off set set up properly: there is a NewMembers meeting later today.

Thank you again.

[margie101]

Velvet,
Many thanks for the thoughtful response. I am so glad I found this site.

One of the things I have a problem with, and I know it’s mine, is that I appreciate that, under different circumstances, my father might have had a wonderful and happy life.

I have a chicken-and-egg situation, in many ways. My father’s father was a alcoholic, and their family life was quite disturbing. People left as soon as they could. If he had not married my mother, he might have been ok. She was very demanding and controlling, esp. about money, so I suspect that’s when his gambling started again after I was born. She abused prescription methanphetamines, and her main emotion was anger. At everyone, for ruining her life.

So, as the oldest, I stepped in. Talked to the bank VP when my father wrote fraudulent checks, etc. always the adult. Frankly, I have anger when people tell me to have sympathy for either parent. I lived my life taking care of my sisters, covering my parents messes, including their jail time.

In the meantime, I graduated from a top university in Canada, got a job, climbed the ladder, went to graduate school, honor society, and retired and am writing a children’s book. My first long-term partner (19 years) was an alcoholic. I felt bad about that, until I learned that this is not uncommon. My sisters have MBAs, PhDs, are married and appear ok, although on handfuls of anti-anxiety and anti-depressants.

I just want to forget every minute in that place with my parents.

[margie101]

Velvet,
Thanks for the welcome.

I am coming to terms with the fact that I did not know my father was a gambler until I was 16. When I found out it explained a lot of the massive chaos in the house, and laid the groundwork for adventures in dealing with fraud, arrest, and finally, federal prison.

I “escaped” as soon as I could, and went on to lead my own life.

However, I have quirks, one of which is the fact that the “parents” were so inept, uninterested, unaware, and had other problems with drugs, that I have developed a habit of making these episodes into “jokes” to ridicule these people.

I get the point that these folks were sick and desperately needed help that they did not get or give, but ridicule, in jokes and short stories, makes me feel better. But I think it’s not a very healthy reaction. My younger sisters also do this, as does my SIL.

Do other adult survivors who no longer have contact with the gambler do this, too?

• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by velvet.

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