[madge456]

Hi Monique and everyone..
Thank you for all the suggestions. It has been difficult and only getting harder…now we are being audited 2 consecutive years by the IRS! I guess my husband was also “creative” in some of our deductions and now those lies are following us too – I was never involved in the taxes all these years and never thought much about this – but once we got the audit notice and my name was on it too it was sort of like “oh my g-d, now I am on the line too!” I had to convince my husband that more lies is not the way to go into an audit – he was trying to substantiate some of our exaggerated deductions with false documents – can you believe that I had to talk him out of this???? I told him he seems to be losing his grip on reality – and he agreed that he is really sick and ***** help.
That is the only good part – that he agrees he ***** help and is looking into rehabs himself – did 3 intakes so far and we will sort thru with his psychiatrist and see which one is the best for him and his dual diagnosis – But i cant believe how crazy everything is – Looking into rehabs for my husband, getting audited, going to therapy with him , etc… Even though we have money we seem to be drowning in bills – retaining wall collapsed at our house, trees falling across driveway and needing work, husbands car ***** major repairs all of a sudden – I FEEL LIKE THE WORLD IS CRASHING DOWN ON ME – My anxiety is swirling and I am trying to keep it together for the kids – I really appreciate all the feedback and support from everyone. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers… xx

[madge456]

Hi all again
I have just a minute – kids again waiting – But my question is: How do I continue to “act normal”? Things are so chaotic now that my hubby is looking into rehab facilities..it seems so weird and I just cry all the time..I want to maintain some sense of normalcy for my kids – I am trying to hold my family together but I feel like the foundation of my world has been blown up. We are destroyed but no one on the outside knows this. Meanwhile, here it is sunday afternoon, we are supposed to go have family time on a friends boat..how do I act normal? I am not a “***** ****” person – I am very direct and honest, always. So it is excruciating for me to “pretend” it is all ok when we don’t know what will happen in the future to us. I am trying, believe me, but inside i am SUFFERING so much. It is hard to not let it leak out. I can’t walk around crying all the time and I am no good (obviously) and compartmentalizing things.
So, how do I pull it together enough to function???
Ideas???
Help…
:(– 8/11/2013 5:12:02 PM: post edited by madge456.

[madge456]

Originally posted by madge456
Originally posted by berber
Hi Madge,
I hope you are having a good day. When I read about people advising against inpatient-treatment, I was a bit surprised. My husband went away to another continent for 9 weeks and it has helped him/us tremendously. He came back as ‘another person’ – no more gambling and ready to start living his life! Now, he’s been back for almost 3 months and it’s still a long road to recovery for us, but we are dealing with it 1 day at a time. I struggle with the fact that I have not been away for 9 weeks, and I have not changed dramatically. I still doubt his words, actions and rebuilding the trust that was lost is very difficult for me.
Best,
Berber
HI
just wondering if you would share with me the treatment facility your hubby went to? We are struggling to find “the right” place for my hubby to go and I am scared stiff…
xx
Madge

Berber:
Thank you – thank you…
xx

[madge456]

AH – so sorry – I do understand but like so many others have said to me you need to take care of yourself and forget about John. He will take care of himself. You can encourage him to get help but you cant make them… My hubby is willing to get help but i think he is treating it like a vacation – he said “yeah, sure I could get away..” – some of these rehabs ARE like vacation spots (“we start our day with a healthy organic breakfast and yoga…”) – yikes! Makes me feel like I should go to rehab! I am not sure how serious he is taking the whole thing – after all, he is still in the house with us, has his job (dont know how??) etc…but the kids must know something is wrong since ive been like a zombie the past few weeks – I want to help him get help but ultimately the work is his to do – I told him I will not take responsibility for his addictions – Even if he says Im bossy, etc I told him there are ways to handle things and running away gambling, (and other things he does) isn’t a mature way to handle these issues….It is so hard bc sometimes I feel like I am talking to a rational person and then I realize as he tries to justify it all away, that he is NOT rational – he is sick – Like you, from what I read, I MISS my husband – we get along so well, have such a great relationship in the sense of how we get along, have fun together etc.. A few months before I found out (the latest) set of lies, we took a 4 day trip to Paris – was FABULOUS! Stayed in nicest hotel, limos galore, dinners, romantic walks along the Seine…etc. It was lovely. He kept saying to me “you could do so much better than me, I don’t deserve you…” now looking back it was the LIES that were eating at him – 3 years worth this time – I feel these past 3 years have just been so **** – and how do I know if there are MORE lies??? How can I ever trust him again??? It is so hard….
I feel your pain for your kids – I am there too – but right now I am literally trying to stay alive every day. I feel so SAD and dont know how we will EVER dig our way out of this….
Love to you all…suffering in solidarity..
xx

[madge456]

Originally posted by berber
Hi Madge,
I hope you are having a good day. When I read about people advising against inpatient-treatment, I was a bit surprised. My husband went away to another continent for 9 weeks and it has helped him/us tremendously. He came back as ‘another person’ – no more gambling and ready to start living his life! Now, he’s been back for almost 3 months and it’s still a long road to recovery for us, but we are dealing with it 1 day at a time. I struggle with the fact that I have not been away for 9 weeks, and I have not changed dramatically. I still doubt his words, actions and rebuilding the trust that was lost is very difficult for me.
Best,
Berber
HI
just wondering if you would share with me the treatment facility your hubby went to? We are struggling to find “the right” place for my hubby to go and I am scared stiff…
xx
Madge

[madge456]

NOMORE: thanks for the info – I will look into it – I wish my hubby would be more involved looking into places, but hasn’t done much yet….to be continued…i am just so tired, I don’t know how I am going to get thru today……

[madge456]

Hi again – quick reply as the kids are waiting on me – But I wanted to thank everyone for posting and contributing…Velvet I really resonated with what you said about being lost – You don’t know me but I am a very strong person and I have NEVER had a time in my life where I felt so lost. Like I said physically getting lost, not knowing where I am, forgetting about where/what I am supposed to be doing. That is not me. I feel like another person – I told my husband he has destroyed me – I feel destroyed.
I feel like if he goes away to rehab it will be good for me too – to try and get MY life on track, to try and find me again. I think it will be good for both of us. When we started talking about rehab my husband seemed unaffected by the idea all together – like he was almost planning a vacation! When I told him how much money it would cost, THEN he freaked out! Can you imagine that you are most freaked out by the cost than by the actual truth that you are destroying your life??? That was unbelievable to me…his coping mechanism again I suppose…
Berber and Nomore – I wanted to thank you for your amazing support and to ask the names of the rehabs your CG’s went to?? The problem we are having is finding “the right” place for him to go. The place locally which is very good, the CBT program is a partial program – you go all day and come home at night – and it is only for 10 days! I don’t think that is enough, do you???
We both want, I think, something at least 30 days where my husband can really “dig in” and rip open all the **** he has inside of him – and that takes time. I know he is afraid but I also think there must be someone/someplace out there that can help him…He says he is “emotionally constipated” I haven’t even seem him cry or express any sadness over what he has done – he uses the words that he is sorry, but his affect is blank…that in and of itself is very sad…
I am trying to get ahold of myself for my kids and myself. It is hard to spend time with my husband as I am so sad, angry, resentful, etc…but I told him if he is COMMITTED to working it out, I will stick by him. He says he is…
What would really be helpful are names of any rehabs for addiction (*** addiction, food addiction, gambling..he has them all) in the US – doesn’t matter to me where they are – it’s easy enough to get on a plane. I think a combo of CBT and insight oriented therapy would be good – but I also agree with you Velvet and everyone else that if you don’t WORK THE PROGRAM, nothing good will come of it….
We are going for an interview for the partial program near us just to see but my gut tells me 10 business days of treatment is not enough to undo 47 years of ****….
Peace to all…more later…
XOXOLucky me…..

[madge456]

Monique:
Your post made me cry – I will respond more fully later but I wanted to thank you – thank you for your caring, for your advice and kindness…you asked me what my ***** are and how to fill them? I asked myself that question and I am so far, far removed from that my answer to myself was “i don’t even know…”…so very sad indeed… I have all but disappeared in my own life..
More later..
love to all who have been so supportive of my struggle..
XOXO

[madge456]

Hi all
Thank you Building for your post – I agree that the addiction model can easily switch favorites – food one minute, *** another – at least in my husbands case. He has not gambled online in over a week (he committed to not do it), we have seen his psychiatrist twice and added a new med (naltrexone – supposed to help curb urges), seen his therapist ,etc. He was very active (as opposed to his usual passive self) today in calling ALL his old therapists (quite a long list I ****** you!) to see what they recommend he do in terms of the next step of treatment…They almost all unanimously said that inpatient rehab is a waste of money because you are out of your environment, etc etc… I have no idea if inpatient would help him or not but I know what we have been doing for the past 20 years (meds, multiple therapists, couples counseling, etc) has not worked. He admitted himself he has been jerking all these therapists around all these years. He is super smart (like genius IQ) and easily manipulates others. He said he is too scared to deal with all the **** inside of him but I told him he ***** to find an inpatient or residential treatment program or he ***** to move out. I have been so sad, crying non-stop that I basically can’t function – I got lost going home today because my mind is so “not there” – as I’ve said before, i don’t want to ruin my kids lives but I feel like my life is now on the line – I can’t function like this – I feel like my arm has gangrene on it and even though I don’t want to cut off my arm, I have to to save my life..He said he is committed to doing whatever he ***** to to save our marriage – let’s see about that…
We are looking into partial hospitalization program near where we live – it focuses on CBT – cognitive behavioral therapy – it is for 2 weeks (not long enough in my opinion). Does anyone know if this type of treatment might help someone with addictions?? I have always believed in a more psychodynamic insight oriented model in terms of getting to the root of the problem, but he has had years of insight-oriented therapy and did basically nothing with it. His psychiatrist says he thinks there is something wrong with the frontal lobe of his brain because he has issues with social judgement and Asperger-type traits and that he may not be able to actually DO insight oriented therapy…
So, my questions are many: 1) How do I not “get my hopes up?” 2) What happens if he goes to rehab and is still the same?? 3) is it even worth spending major money in rehab to see if he can be saved? I feel so sad and hopeless – and I miss my husband – I miss being with him, miss having fun with him, I feel like he ****…. I wish we could be intimate again but I feel like that would give him the wrong message that everything is all right when clearly it is not….
Any suggestions? You all have been so helpful – Every day for me is like torture and I need it to stop…. 🙁

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