[madge456]

How you have been in my thoughts since you made your post! I have been in our own personal hell here but wanted you to know I am thinking of you so much and how proud I am of you for standing your ground.

You are right – this addiction does suck – but you are fighting back – being strong for yourself and your children by not allowing this addiction back into your life.

I support you 100% and can imagine how hard is has been going from feeling better to all of a sudden be dragged back down into the dirt by your CG. But you are strong – stronger than this addiction and I urge you to follow your gut and don’t look back – Like you had said to me, no tears today and no prayers – just quietly (loudly for me!) urging you on – forward, in your own life with your own joys.

I have more to say but must run – Know I am thinking of you and sending loving and supportive thoughts your way. You can do this – you already have – stand your ground and never look back- your continued happiness awaits.

Thanks for sharing and being an inspiration for me. Knowing that set backs come up and seeing how your handled yours with such grace and determination only furthers to urge all of here at GT to grasp our own recovery and never let go.

Sending love (and cookies if I could!)
xx
M

[madge456]

I was also thinking about you and hoping all is well –

Hopefully no news is good news?? I look forward to hearing about how it is all going – How the time apart has been and how you have been feeling. Just look at all the people checking on you! How lovely to have so much support!

xx
M

[madge456]

Hi Neecy

How are you doing??
I also wanted to extend my support and urge you to wrap those arms tightly around yourself and never let go.

I am still new on the path but have been following your thread – I have learned, as Im sure you’ve heard, all you can do is look after yourself. I so resonate with those arms being tired – Mine are exhausted! F&F spend so much time looking out for others that we literally burn ourselves out in the process – sometimes I have looked in the mirror and didn’t even recognize myself because I look so tired and awful. I relate to your make up usage as I have been there too – Deciding at times “enough is enough” and that I need to take care of myself, put on a little make up and jewelry to remind myself of who I used to be.

Good for you for recognizing these things – and so quickly – You deserve better for yourself and you deserve not to allow yourself to be put down by others, especially others who said they care about you.

I am here – post again – wishing you only peace and blessings for 2014.

xx
M

[madge456]

Monique
Thank you for your continued love and support – I could NOT do this without the GT team –

Much love
M

[madge456]

Thank you for your lovely post –

I do lurk around and try and read others posts as often as I can – I don’t always have time to reply but I do try and follow and relate to all the experience that others have had.

You certainly have come a long way – and knowing how far you have come gives me hope. Every one’s situation is different but the threads are the same – I need support and courage to continue on – I have had darker periods in my life (my childhood) but not when I had control of my own life. Seeing everyone who has changed and grown stronger makes me think maybe I can do that too –

You are right about my CG – when he says something mean I always confront him about it – and he 99.9% of the time apologizes. Unfortunately this sets up the dynamic in our house of me always being right and him always being the messed up one. This makes him resent me even more and so this leads to his passive aggressive “f*ck you” behavior (the gambling, sex stuff, lying, etc).

I don’t know what will fix this but I know I need to protect myself and let him deal with his own problems. I realized recently that if he doesn’t put in effort with his kids that is HIS loss and there is nothing I can do to repair that relationship with his kids. I used to try and push him to do this, but I can’t. I can’t be mother and father. I just can’t. And while that breaks my heart (bc i didn’t really have a dad – long story) I didn’t ask for this. I never thought when I got married he would turn out like this.

I say all this to state that I have stopped blaming myself and stopped trying to fix his relationship with the kids. That is on him.

I used to blame myself for a lot of things – I wasn’t good enough, if I was only “better” things would be ok – Now I know its not my fault. I am a really good person who ALLOWED these things to happen to me –

Don’t get me wrong, I have a long, long, long way to go – but I feel better. Lighter.

Thank you for reading my thread, thank you for the support and thank you for being an inspiration for what CAN BE.

With much love,
M

[madge456]

I decided to respond separately to every one today –

You can see from my post above that you are right – my CG has not tipped most of his illogical thoughts from his head. He is in CBT therapy 2x a week, and goes to meetings (either SA or GA) once a week. He is journaling and sleeping part from me. He calls me from the landline at work so i know he is at work and not the casino. So he is active in his recovery, but like you and others have said, it is a long, long road and we are not very far into it.

I found out about the gambling 6 months ago – the sex issue started in 2008, then “got better” mostly with meds (he is Bi Polar and ADHD) then reemerged when he stopped gambling – all the same additive process, different outlets.

I at this point, am trying to stay out of the way of his addictions. I am keeping myself safe, focusing on my kids and me and pointing out things my CG does when he does them so he can look at them.

I suggested maybe we should go for couples therapy – we have done this 1,000 times before, but who knows? maybe it could help.

Thank you for urging me on – thank you for understanding – and thank you just for being there.

xx
M

[madge456]

“Just because you have made some small changes in how you are looking after you doesn’t automatically follow that you will gain positive responses from him in between”

Wow – just that alone was so helpful – how funny is it I can see all the problems and solutions in others lives (Im a therapist) but not my own?

Your post was powerful and spot on – you really seem to “get” me and my situation. Yes, he is not gambling, but yes his addictive traits that got him there in the first place are still alive and well. He is so unaware of what he is doing it astounds me – He hostility towards me crops up all the time in nasty comments or just plain dumb actions.

Example: We have had this issue with him trying to have non-consentual sex with me while Im asleep. (insert raised eyebrow here – I know) We sleep apart – 4 months now. So what does he do this am? 8am, he sneaks into my room, (waking me up), climbs into bed with me – I ask why is he doing this? “Oh, I though we would make a small step forward and Im not going to do anything to you” What?? He wakes me up, terrifies me by getting into bed with me and then tries to defend this –

I calmly confronted him about his behavior and he agreed yes, he was selfish, yes it wasn’t going to bring us closer and yes he knew it would upset me when he was doing it but did it anyway – that sounds like addictive behavior I told him…he agreed.

He is so confused – he really is trying – therapy 2x a week and SA and GA groups. But like you and others have said, his issues are deep seated and will take a long time (if ever) to get better.

I am not focusing on him though – bc I know that won’t work. I feel stronger every day and the support I get here from lovely people such as yourself has been, well, transforming…

Thank you for the reality check by saying “I am not praying for you” – telling me I need to make the changes and not expect them to happen by prayer, magic etc.

I am hanging in there and trying to move forward despite my CG’s continued issues and continued ways to try and unconsciously sabotage things. Like you said, I am keeping my eyes ahead . I am not sure where I am going, but I know I won’t be taken advantage of, lied to or used any more.

Thank you for being there for me –

xoxo
M

[madge456]

Thank you V for your support as always – loving and kind and leaves me with food for thought.

Trying to “keep the light going” but it is so hard. I had a vulnerable moment with my CG tonite when I told him I finally understood that sometimes when he doesn’t say anything during an important discussion (with the kids or me) it is because -I realized – he doesn’t know what to say. I thought this was insightful, supportive and open. His response (after a beat) “You see? Even someone Perfect learns something once in a while”. How hurtful!!! When I confronted him he said (as usual) “oh, it was only a joke” – Not a joke. and I was trying to offer an olive branch..only to be slapped in the face.

I told him he needs to look at why he is so angry at me and why he is so hostile….then I walked away…no retaliation, no yelling, just left. But why? why is he still putting stumbling blocks in front of our relationship?? It is so frustrating.

I will continue to not take his bait and not allow him to walk on me but every time i feel like we’ve made an inch of progress my CG seems to hurl us backwards a mile….

Sorry.. just venting..venting and crying..and another day tomorrow to be spent together in the house during a snowstorm..

Pray for me..
xoxo
M

[madge456]

I am so sorry to find your post so late – I knew you said you had posts but wasn’t sure which one it was – sorry, I am still learning the system here.
Anyway, I found you – and really proud of your “too difficult box” (how clever!) and your commitment to yourself to look forward – not backward. Your posts to me have been extremely helpful as I have said before and I wanted you to know I found you, caught up on your story and am finally “with it”, I think!

How brave you have been! So much sh*t you have been through, how hard you have worked at work and with your boys – I understand the mom thing alone is enough work for 25 hrs a day!

I feel blessed to have met such a wise soul – and if you don’t feel wise, know you are – so much of what YOU said have been responsible for the shift I have been able to make in my own life. Thank you! I hope you can take that in (sometimes nice things are hard to hear).

I resonate with so much of what you say about your kids, yourself and your life – suffice to say we are on the same page and I only hope I can try and play “catch up” as I follow in your footsteps of recovery. You have done a brilliant job and you, my dear, need to give yourself a huge hug!

Your kids are lucky to have a mom who is so aware of their needs and focused on doing what needs to be done for them – I hope I can be that way soon…..Sometimes (ok, a lot of the time) my own fears get in the way of doing what is right by my kids – the “what if’s” are LOUD and I am Afraid.

Usually I can only change when it is painfully evident that the train has already gone off the cliff but is barely hanging on by the little caboose…I desperately want to do what is right by my kids and me but the fear paralyzes me and I don’t know what to do….For someone who gets hit and hits others for recreation (Im a recreational cage fighter) I sure am a chicken …. 🙁

Thank you for showing me how to be strong, how to move forward and how to (try not to) be afraid……I hope to be as brave as you are one day…

Thank you for your story and for continuing to believe in me…

Much love
xoxo
M

[madge456]

How lovely to read your Xmas post – so happy for you that YOU are happy and have come so far. And such an inspiration for us folks still in the “weeds” , hoping, praying, one day, to bush whack our way out of the mess we are in. How hopeful to read (at least for you) it was possible.

Sometimes (ok, almost all the time) I cry, sob and wonder how anything in my life can possibly turn around the amount that I need it to – like 360 degrees – its seems insurmountable – Yes, I have come far -so far- but still, how can what needs to happen happen so that all will be well? I am not sure, but I can see by reading your story and seeing your success it is possible.

Thank you for the light…I will try and follow it…

Enjoy this new year…
xoxo
M

[madge456]

Yes.. hoping for a happy 2014
Wanted to say hi and say you’ve been doing a great job trying to stay centered. It is so hard with kids and other responsibilities. I too struggle with being sucked into enabling – if he is abusive or helpless I have to (feels like) almost physically force myself not to give in/rescue/apologize for the situation – good for you for not giving into the Pasta scenario and keeping your distance. It is hard to find the balance for both of you…
I also resonate on not being able to rely on your CG – I have gotten very frustrated about it and wallowed in the “this isn’t fair” thoughts etc etc, but I slowly realized that got me no where. It sounds like you are beyond that, standing your ground and taking care of yourself and your own needs – good for you – That is a ray of sunshine – you are doing well and an inspiration to me…
xoxo
M

[madge456]

Is it possible that I’m beginning to see a little bit of light? It feels that way although I don’t want to feel like its false hope. I feel even the tiny steps that I’m taking… & I do mean tiny.. Are helping me to distance myself from the addiction and really value myself.

We have this ridiculous game we play where I ask my husband to do something and he then turns around and asks me how to do the task….Basically asking me to do what it is that I have already asked him to do. Like he is helpless and couldn’t possibly sand the driveway unless I gave him direct instructions on how to do so.

So now when he turns around and dumps it back on me I say something like “well I don’t know” or” I’m sure you can figure it out “and I just walked away. & I let it go. Which is sort of a new thing for me because it’s hard for me to let go of anything.

This feels like progress to me. I know it’s such a small thing But it allows me some distance and makes room in my mind, as Jenny you suggest, for other things. So I don’t have to feel like I have to control everything. And if I don’t then probably nothing is going to completely fall apart. I make sure the children are safe of course but I need to not care so much about everything else.
Especially my CG. I feel even this tiny shift had given me room to breathe. …much needed room.

My CG is working on “keeping his side of the street clean” as he says and I need to work on keeping myself safe And keeping myself from worrying so much about everybody else’s problems.

Thank you all for teaching me that.I’m hanging in there and hoping for a better 2014.

Xx
M

[madge456]

Thanks for your nice post. Cage fighting is one of the things I do that makes me feel good about myself. I often wonder if anyone would even believe everything else that’s happening in the rest of my life…it just shows you that you never really know what goes on behind the gates. Fighting is a great stress reliever also as you can imagine and yes I watch UFC all the time too! Stay strong
Xx

[madge456]

just a quick hello as I am fading fast. I resonate with so much of what you say – let the tears come, they are cleansing. eventually they will stop and you will emerge stronger and with more strength then you knew you had. You are the one who needs tending – let your CG clean up his own mess. YOU are valuable as you are – You are loved.

xx
M

[madge456]

I wanted to say a hearty welcome to Megan – you have found a loving community of people who understand what you are going thru and have been in similar situations – Twighlight: I love your last line of the post:

“Let them deal with the mess they have made and be good to ourselves.”

This is so profound yet so hard to do. I have so far to go in this process but feel like I am making strides. It is hard to let others go, let them fail, let them be responsible for themselves –

I never thought of myself as a “fixer” but I guess I am – have been- for so long. But I never knew it – “enabler” was always someone else, not me! My helping was just that, help – they “needed” me to help and I guess I *needed* to help…NOW I understand that even if it pains me, I must let them fail, I must let them flounder because otherwise they are drowning ME.

I have been under water (metaphorically) for so, so long…deprived of oxygen, sun and other human dignities that I even forgot what it meant to have them. I got used to living without (“I’m fine”, I would say even though I knew I was dying).

I used to joke that I have bent so far over backwards for my husband and children that I am now in the shape of a circle – ha ha – or I would say “I am in an abusive relationship with my children” (because they boss me around) , again, ha ha – But, no,…..not so funny. Not funny at all. I let my kids and my husband walk all over me – doing their bidding in the guise of “helping”. They need me, I told myself. I may sound like a meek housewife, someone used to being last – Not so – I am a professional woman, I train as a cage fighter and am incredibly bossy but this just goes to show you that anyone in any situation can be manipulated by Gambling and other addictions and be sucked into enabling others thru their own guilt. I felt if I didn’t help my CG I was a bad person, that I would make excuses for his bad behavior bc of “x, y or z” – or “it won’t happen again, i need to give him another chance because of (fill in the blank)”. So many times I have done this – NO MORE – I can’t – it is killing me, crushing me and I decided even if he walks out I don’t care because I need to LIVE.

I am not sure if this is helpful but all I wanted to say is that even though I am married to a CG I know that pull of wanting to help, feeling like you must help, making excuses for the CG but in the end knowing you MUST turn around and walk away from the addiction because it is not healthy for YOU.

Post again – it is very therapeutic and helps tremendously to process “on paper” what is in your head.

Welcome.

xx
M

[Author]

Posts