[madge456]

Hi Sade

I just wanted to say hi and let you know you have come to a safe nurturing place. I totally get your situation and I think all of us here can relate on some level. Like Velvet said, no one wants to be a compulsive gambler – the addiction takes over and that person is no longer who they used to be.

The best advice I got since being here is learning to just take care of yourself and your kids. You are not responsible for how a CG acts – his bets, his behaviors are HIS choices. If he is choosing to be abusive to you, that is his issue – what you decide to do about it is your choice.

No one should have to live feeling like they don’t want to get up in the morning – I understand totally. I feel that way myself many days. But I keep coming here, getting great support and advice and step by step, inch by inch, i feel like I am more in control of my life. Even though I also desperately want my kids to have their Dad, I have told my CG if there are certain things he continues to do, her just needs to leave – I drew a line in the sand and even though there is nothing I want more than my family, I guess I decided that I needed me and my dignity more…

Hang in there and keep posting. It is hard to believe but it helps to get all those feelings out and get feedback from those that have been there before.

Take care of you and your little ones..

xoxo
M

[madge456]

Hi all

Getting ready for another trip and CG is freaking out – making me freakout. He doesn’t really want to go bc it won’t be “fun for him” (its kids amusement park trip) but we are also seeing my daughter compete for 5 days – i don’t know why he has to be so selfish and just think about him – he is an **addict** is the answer, ding, ding ding!

To Update:
He came back from his trip to UK and according to him he was sober **except** when he got on the plane and **only** played 5 hands of blackjack. He didn’t understand why i was so upset…He later agreed it wasn’t a good way to break his sobriety and says he is back on the wagon. I find it hard to believe he didn’t do any other gambling over there – it is so hard to believe anything that he says..

He is also mad that I still can’t sleep in the same bed as him (due to him being inappropriate to me while i slept). We have been sleeping part and not intimate for 7 months and I still feel afraid of him if I were to sleep with him. Almost like PTSD. (Yes we have been to multiple therapist since this has been going on – on and off for 6 years). He says he is feeling resentful towards me, and while I totally get I need to focus on me and the kids needs how are we supposed to go on this 10 day family vacation without having it ruined by his selfishness??

I am having a really hard time – I am so anxious I can’t even pack – we leave tomorrow am! I want us to go and have fun but it seems like all he can think about is why he can’t sleep with me (physically and otherwise) and why we are spending all this money taking our “ungrateful kids” to this theme park (hint: think Mouse)……I have been so patient with him, trying to support him while keeping my distance and doing stuff for myself. But I don’t see how our FAMILY can have a nice time if our CG is all pissy and moody because he isn’t getting what he wants – it will upset the kids, they will know…he will ruin everything….

Does anyone have any advice as to how I handle this?? We leave in the early am and I want my kids to enjoy and have fun –

It seems like my CG always does something to ruin any special time – birthdays, anniversaries, trips, mothers day, etc he always is in a **mood** – I supposed because it is not about him. I wanted this to be a special time for all of us but he never wanted to go – I can’t see why he wouldn’t give some of himself (time, waiting around, $$$) so his kids could be happy…

Well, I supposed I should try and pull myself up and start parking…all I can do is take care of me and the kids..

any advice how to handle the next 10 days is much appreciated….

xoxo
M

[madge456]

Thank you so much all for your support and comments. I will have to comment later in more detail but have read your responses. I am feeling much better now.

According to my CG, (who is still away) he has been *good* while in UK. According to him the gambling problem there is much worse as there are places to make bets, slot machines around every corner – I had no idea. I am pleased he is talking to me about that and he attended both SA and GA meetings there – very good I think –

BUT – the important part – ME! I am trying to take care of me ! Last night I attended a new Brazilian Jujitsu class – 2 in fact – because I want to improve my range of fighting. I had been wanting to go for a while but of course I put it off because I am always laster than last. But yesterday i felt COMPELLED to go (even though I had already trained for 1.5 hrs with my MMA trainer!). I knew I needed to do it for myself. I ended up staying til almost 10:30pm and while I felt a little guilty (sorry!) once I got home, I knew I needed to do this for myself. It felt good. Like I was in a little bubble away from everything and just focused on me. I am sore today for sure but feel good that I bumped myself up the list. And everything at home was ok. Imagine that?

As for my CG, we’ll see how he is when he returns. From what he is telling me on the phone, he has been working very hard to stay sober attend meetings etc. But I know I need to distance myself from his recovery and focus on ME!!

Yeah ME! so glad I finally paid some attention to myself..

Thank you my lovely friends…I really need you and so happy to know you are there when I falter.. All your suggestions and advice has been heard. Loud and clear.

love to you all
xx
M

[madge456]

Hi all..

So much to say.. never enough time…

Short version:
1) trip went very well. Hb took care of kids well (to my delight) and my daughter placed a 1st and 3rd in her classes – very good with world class competition.

2) Upon my return hb decided to revert back to old self and do nothing with kids are around house. Had a few fights about it where I called him on dumping all responsibility on me and demanding he step up to his responsibilities.

3) You’re gonna love this part – My hb tells me he has a trip for work scheduled for UK. Fine. For some **unknown** reason in my brain, I thought the UK didn’t have casinos (have no idea why I thought this given my interaction on this forum – DUH!!!!) so I made a joke saying at least he won’t get tempted to gamble over there…He then proceeds to tell me that there are lots of casinos in this area and that he visited them all last time he was in UK on business last year!! HA ! I had no idea! I was stunned that he had done this and more mad at myself for being so naive. The last time he was in UK was before I found out about all the gambling stuff so this wasn’t new gambling, just revealing of old gambling – why didn’t he tell me before??? And also now this upcoming trip made me really nervous.

I was happy he told me about the casinos (even though he had lied about it over this whole time) and was honest that he was scared about what he was going to do with his extra time there.

We sat together and looked up all the GA and SA meetings in the area – there were quite a few!- and made plans on which ones he would go to. He thought that was good that he was honest with me about his fears and that he made plans on what to do with his extra time.

I feel sort of scared about what he is **really** doing there but tell myself there is nothing I can do about it anyway. I have my hands full over here. Velvet once said she thought maybe it is easier without my cg home – well yes and no – Yes because of less friction and one less person to yell at and No because I have no help with the kids and no support, help driving around etc. I drive about 4 hrs a day getting kids to schools (all 3 in different schools different towns) and their various activities and with out his help out is a even greater burden on me.

AND

While he has been gone 2 bad things have happened:
1) I found out my 11 year old daughter has been emailing some random 22 yr old man in another state telling him she was 18. This child of mine is very strong willed and has ADHD and behavioral problems. She said to me “I know what I did was wrong but I wanted to do it anyway” – being fearless with no impulse control is a bad combination.

2) my oldest son (the wonderful one) got a 67% on his final honor math exam!!! This is my son who is a high honors student and was *hopefully* bound for an ivy league school – not anymore I guess!! I don’t know what went wrong there but to say I am disappointed would be the understatement of the year…

This all brings me to where I am at: I feel like a failure – I feel like my husband is totally messed up, my “perfect” son is failing, my daughter is out of control…my little son is ok so far but I feel like with my track record his failure can’t be far behind. I feel like I have failed in my job of mother – I gave up my career many years ago to be a mom and I feel like my kids are turning out all messed up. My first failure was marrying their father – because he has been a terrible father and I know part of their acting out is because he has been so absent in their lives…So all around the past 20 years of my life have been a mistake – my kids Ive messed up, my husband is messed up and I feel like everything I try to do to fix it makes it worse….I feel terrible….

Well – there you have it –

Hb still away the rest of the week leaving all the wreckage of our life to me to sort through. I am miserable.

Had to vent. Hope it made sense.

xxoo

[madge456]

You are right – “people don’t take responsibility because they are not given it” – couldn’t have said it better myself. I can’t worry about what my hb will do when i am away but I do believe he can rise to the challenge if I get out of his way. I do tend to *take over* most days as I think my way is the best way. I need to make room for him to do more as you mentioned because that will help everyone in the long term. He is capable and I need to let go for that to happen.

As for me, I have been inspired by Berber’s strength – if she can have a baby and focus on her and not her CG, I should be able to keep my focus on me and my kids.

I am looking forward to my trip however we are scheduled to be dumped by snow starting tomorrow am – hoping I can fly out otherwise I will need to postpone. Will keep you all posted.

My CG was having a few hissy fits today about a bunch of things but I made the choice to not get entangled in his mess and let him work on his recovery and take care of the kids if I leave tomorrow…

Please send safe travel prayers for tomorrow – Im not a great flyer –
thank you for supporting me – you have been wonderful. This continued support has made all the difference for my recovery.
xoxo
M

[madge456]

How strong you are! When I thought today that I couldn’t handle my hb daily *crap* I thought “if Berber can handle her CG when she is about to deliver her baby, well, I should be able to handle this too”… So you are an inspiration to me – thank you. I am sending you love and strength and support as you begin a new journey with #2. My kids (all 3) are what keep me going – to be better for them and for myself.
I am glad you are focusing on yourself and your daughter – you need that and deserve that.
About to get on a plane in a snowstorm…more upon my return…looking forward to hearing good news from you very soon..

Thank you for helping me be strong

xoxo
M

[madge456]

“Bluntly Madge, it appears you cannot count on your husband and in my opinion your best choice is to take care of yourself and your children”

this has rung thru my head this week – until now when I have a chance to post –

I truly appreciate your truthfulness with me – you are right – sadly, you are right. I know I can’t count on my CG – it hurts so much but I know it to be true. And also sadly, my kids know it to be true.

But amongst the darkness that is my life, i wanted to report a glimmer of hope.

Today after all this mess from previous posts, my CG took kids to school and was supposed to return (i thought) for us to go to teacher/parent conferences together. He (of course) expressed no interest in going at all until I asked him to come (you think a man would be interested in the progress of his own children, wouldn’t you??). BUT, instead of returning home, he never showed up. I started to worry, where he was, what he was doing, etc – but I stopped – consciously I MADE MYSELF STOP. I reflected back on your words, Jenny’s words, and everyone else on the forum’s words and decided – DECIDED- to not focus on his mess but instead have breakfast with my youngest who goes to school last. We had a lovely little breakfast and I was happy to be with him.

My CG eventually called me 10 minutes before the conference time with the usual excuses “Oh, I thought I was just going to meet you at school, etc”. It turns out he had been doing errands, but who really knows with him. The point is that at least for that moment I was able to put aside my worry about my CG, tell myslef I couldn’t do anything about his crazy behavior and just be with my son…

That felt good.

Point #2: “his mind is still actively fully addicted. Abstinence on its own is not enough.”

Never thought of that – again Velvet, you are right. He has been gamble/sex free for 6 months but his actions and mind are still where they have always been – with himself and his own needs – I never thought that with abstinence you could still be addicted…now I see you can…WOW – that was mind blowing –

I can see how hard it is for my CG to think of others – what a struggle it is – so sad – so sad for me and my kids. But I need to focus on me and my kids. I told my CG I do love him but that it is dangerous for me to love him – that I always get hurt and I need to keep him emotionally at a distance. I don’t like being that way but it doesn’t seem like I have much choice til he gets better. I don’t know if he can/will get any better.

In the meantime my daughter and I are scheduled to go away for her competition next thursday. She is excited and nervous as I am too. But I am nervous about leaving my other 2 kids with my CG – he is forgetful and I only hope he will remember to feed them and that they will be safe. They are 16 and 8 yrs old so I know they can get cereal etc and won’t starve, but I am hoping Dad rises to the occasion and really takes care of them. And the cat too and all his meds. I don’t want to cancel our trip bc it is important to my daughter but worry that their Dad isn’t a great caretaker – it is so hard to be the only parent in a house of 2 adults…. ;(

I will continue to strive to take care of me and my kids and not worry about him and his problems. It is hard because the person I love it still there and I see how messed up he is and how hard he is trying from his side. I know he is trying. But his success is only limited. Maybe for now that needs to be enough..

More later – and will reply to Jenny later too – off to pu kids –

XO
M

[madge456]

Hi again

something came up and I need feedback.

my husband was asked to travel abroad for work – not required, they just wanted to see if he was available. Given all the mess we have been thru, my daughter leaving her school, my dad having a stroke and my cat currently dying, I asked if he would stay home because I really need the help and support. As it is, I drive 4 hrs a day just getting the kids to schools and activities.

My CG agreed he would stay home and maybe in 2 weeks if the cat was ok he’d travel then.

Fast forward to last nite – We are talking about our upcoming week schedule and he says “oh, but I could have been abroad this week…” I calmly explained we had discussed this and then proceeded to ask if he was mad at me for asking him to stay home and help me. He said no, he understood but there is always part of him that wants to run away from us (his family!) and “do his own thing”. I again said I didn’t want him to be mad and me for not traveling and then taking it out on me later passive-aggesively, as he usually does. He continued with how he likes to travel and thought this assignment would be fun (mind you he just got back rom being away for work for almost 3 weeks on business travel). I explained again how hard it is for me to have to do ALL the driving childcare etc all while dealing with my daughter with behavioral problems, our flooded out condo and my dying cat.

He then goes into a rant about how whenever he expresses his feelings to me I “come down on him” – I did not come down on him at all – it was me practically begging him to stay home and not be mad at me and help me at home with everything. He stormed out of the room yelling at me “Im not dealing with this again” –

SO – my question is if he is the one who wants to run away from his family and home responsibilities and I am the one begging him to stay and help me, how is it I am “coming down on him”????

I feel so sad and so broken – best way to describe it – it just ruins my whole day. I am trying to not take responsibility for what he does but I end up feeling like **I** did something wrong when I don’t think I did. Was it wrong for me to ask him to stay home and help me?? I always do *everything* in our house and it is a lot, a lot, a lot…I feel overwhelmed with now the cat’s constant care and he feels the need to “run off and travel” – so selfish – all the bad things he has done are all so selfish… I am the one still here trying to make this work, I have never put my needs before the needs of my family. So why does he want to run away from us all the time??? How come i feel like the bad guy???

Now he doesn’t want to talk to me. And I am left feeling like a criminal. He makes me feel like I am not entitled to help, that it is my job to always handle everything. And he should get to do whatever he wants – that it is a “burden” for him to deal with me, his kids, the cat – anything that isn’t entertaining or fun for him.

How did I get here?? And what do I DO??

HELP!!!!!

[madge456]

Just checking in…how are you doing?? I was reading your posts again and hoping to get an update – I am sending love and hoping you are taking good care of yourself and your daughter –

Lots of cyber hugs
xxoo
M

[madge456]

I re-read a lot of your thread and found your words inspiring and full of comfort. I pray your scan was negative and that you remain healthy. How brave and strong you are to be dealing with all of what you have…I pray my strength grows from the words of people like you so that I too can “be better”

I resonate with the PTSD piece – i feel like I could be dx with that too. I am not prepared for another round of personal therapy (I was in individual therapy for 15 years and at least another 5 on and off with my CG – I feel like i should know everything by now!) but I think all the trauma from the far past and the nearer past takes it toll. My CG says he is working to reform himself (6 months gamble and sex free!) but I don’t know how I can ever trust him again.

And I think the piece about apologizing to your kids was so spot on – I always try too be honest with them about my many short comings and let them know I love them despite being a flawed mother.

Thank you for showing the dark path lit up for those of us who still stumble in darkness…

much love
M

[madge456]

Just checking in…I see you walking the road, trying to make sense of all its curves and pot hole – and I was wondering how you are doing ? It is hard when we or our CG have bad days to remind ourselves that good days are coming – at least for me, some times it seems like they will NEVER come – but your posts are uplifting and you seem to navigating the road splendidly – I am encouraged and lifted by your successes –

I relate to your CG watching porn as my CG has done this a lot – you seem to handling this so well – what is your secret?? Whenever something happens to us like that, a set back. I seem to crash back to where I used to be – “it will never be better, he will always be like this, etc”…I am happy you have found a way to step back and see the forest from the trees – I can sometimes – but need reminding.

Just wanted to pop in and see how you were and encourage you along the way…

xoxo
M

[madge456]

Thinking of you and your Dog..hope you are doing ok – hoping for an update..

xoxo
M

[madge456]

Hi everyone –

How I have longed to post but have been caught up in the drama of my life. To short form it for you:

1. My Dad had a stroke 3 weeks ago – the day before he was to visit for my son’s 16th Birthday – it was very sad and scary and put all of us so out of sorts (being the birthday weekend and all) – I didn’t want to ruin my sons Bday yet my Dad was in the hospital – I didn’t want my kids to think their Grandparents had blown off visiting them yet I didn’t want them to worry about Papa…My Dad ended up being ok (no residual paralysis ) but they are still doing tests etc..It was very traumatic for our whole family and made my son’s birthday sort of suck.. I felt so bad for him…

2. My old beloved cat is very ill – he has been in Hospital having all sorts of tests – Me and the kids drove down every day (it is quite far) and sat a vigil and visited him. He came home as the Vet is trying to figure out what to do with him – I guess his illness is so rare there are only 2 or 3 other documented cases of it so they don’t really know what to do…meanwhile he has this huge tumor cyst thing wrapped around his neck going into his chest making it hard to swallow ….they drained it providing some relief but it is just going to come back.. I so thought of you Jenny as I have spent a few nights sleeping on the floor next to my cat – crying – just loving him – I can’t bear the thought of losing him yet I wonder if he even knows how much we love him..

3. Did I mention we pulled my daughter out of her awful private school?? She was MISERABLE and now is in public. She is happy in public as there are no watching eyes to follow her every move but educationally we are very unhappy. While this is supposed to be a good school district (top 15 in state) it is no where near the level of her private school. My son said she is getting dumber every day…may be the case…

Ok – long back story – on to my CG. He is trying – trying to share his feelings, still going to CB therapy 2x a week, going to either SA or GA once a week. He has been good trying to share his feelings with me, buy me flowers, leave me love notes, etc. All good.
BUT – even though I love him (and I do but hate to admit it for that may give him power over me) I don’t know that any amount of therapy or sincerity on his part will make me ever trust him again. I am ALWAYS looking for the lie – always wondering when he goes out if he is *really* going where he says he is – I don’t know if you can lie to and abuse someone as much as he has lied to and abused me and expect them to trust you again. I don’t know if I ever can.

He has broken my trust and my heart too many times and I said to him “you can’t mean to tell me that for the rest of your days on this earth that you will never do anything really messed up again???” – he was silent – because of course he will! It may not be tomorrow or next week or 3 years from now, but I feel like it will happen. He is messed up. His therapy is helping him see his issues more clearly and he seems to have better insight but even being a therapist myself, I know that people only manage their issues, they don’t get rid of them completely. And I feel one day, he will majorly “mess up” again.

Now where does that leave me?? I don’t know….

My CG has 6 months sober from gambling – and from sex with me as well – He wants to be intimate again with me (which I am not opposed to in a recreational way ) but I don’t think I can actually sleep in the same bed with him anymore (we haven’t since August) because that is when he used to try and take advantage of me (when I was asleep). I told him I don’t think I can trust him next to me when I am sleeping- maybe ever – I am not sure if this is a deal breaker for him – and I feel scared it might be.

Because despite everything that has happened and everything he has done, I think back on the 20 years – 20 years! – we have been together and all the good times he have had. And since my Dad’s stroke I keep thinking if I would want to have my life without my CG – and I can’t really imagine my life without him. Even though I am so mad at him and hate him sometimes, we have so much history and have been through so much he is part of me – and I miss him when he’s not here…

I hope this doesn’t sound crazy. I hope you don’t judge me – I just am confused and trying to sort this all out – With my Dad almost dying and my beloved cat sort of dying currently, I have re-evaluated my feelings toward the people in my life, deciding who matters to me. And as f**ked up as my CG is, I still love him.

And Jenny – how many hours I have thought of you as i have slept next to my cat on the floor petting him, loving him. I wonder if he knows how much we love him and how we **and I **couldn’t bear to be without him….so much loss….

I am going to read some other posts and see how you all are doing – I hope you are all well and trying to care for yourselves – I am still trying to keep my boundaries with my CG – I don’t want to let him in but we need to try and rebuild something together – how do you do that???

much love
M

[madge456]

Dearest Jenny

I have a minute but wanted to send some love and support your way. How lucky your dog is to have such a loving owner – not all animals (and people) are that lucky…How you care for him comes across so much in your post – I am sure he feels all that love and it will carry him thru this world or into the next – whatever is meant to be…all we can do is be there for them and love them.

Pets are so centering – they remind you of being in the moment – that is all we have right? And they always love you back which is more than I can say for people. Hard lessons learned….

Again I see our lives parallel – my oldest just turned 16 yesterday..and yes, how do they get that old?? Its like I turned around and boom there he was 6’4″ and hairy! He is always my baby though as I am sure your boys are to you.

And thank you for your comment on my thread – I will respond there as I don’t want to prattle on about my life on your thread!

I know with your dog as he is it is hard to take care of yourself, but you need to find some time, even 10 minutes where you can give yourself something. We all know what a slippery road it is for us “over-doers” – taking the time to self-care gives your more energy to care for your dog, etc. I know you know this, but sometimes its nice to hear. Keep being a good mommy to your pet but also don’t neglect yourself.

Hopefully the new meds will help him – what is the dog’s name?- I am walking right beside you – thinking of you –
with love
M

[madge456]

Dearest Jenny
I am so touched by your reply – I am so sorry your dog is near the end of days – Somehow we must be living in a parallel universe as I am going thru the same thing with our cat.

Poor guy is almost 20 years old(!) and has a huge tumor on his neck (along with other things.) We are seeing if anything else can be done for him – all the while listening to him wheeze and make weird noises – already been to Vet ER 3 times – appt with specialist tomorrow to see if that will make any difference.

All this is to say I hear you – when faced with losing a loved one (furry or otherwise) the addiction cackling in the distance has little matter. (On top of that my Dad had a stroke Friday nite – in hospital,doing ok, recovering,) but furthermore making me realize that the addiction has No Place for me – there are so many other things I need to give my focus and time to – And I know you recognize that as well.

Give your dog all your love, warmth and hugs and he will know he was loved up until his last breath – and isn’t that what we all want??

Thinking of you with much love and admiration…
xoxo
M

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