[lorraine]

Trouble figuring out this site sorry to interupt your post.
Im so sorry to hear you are struggling.
Can i tell you you need to stop the end is ugly ,uglier then you could of ever imagined.
I now what the end looks like and i can tell you ,you will never feel so alone in your life,i lost my court cases ,see they dont care you needed help or was ill ,you will be viewed as a crimminal and person that the world needs to be protected from.
And i can tell it hurts beyond words.
It is to late for me in the name of God stop hope.
I always knew i was in big trouble even way back when i first sought recovery,but it was to late long before i entered a GA room.
But you know in the back of your mind how you hang on to hope that hey maybe just maybe ,it will all work out.
I have no more hope that my past wont destroy me cause it did.
No amount of gamble free,clean time can fix this .
Hope i have left recovery ,and reality is cruel beyond words .Do the crime pay the time,i have to settle and except who and what i have become.
I know you probably dont or need to hear all that,cause i know you know ,BUT NO YOU DONT. trust me .
Ask for help and when you think you are on top of it all get more HELP ,cause you dont.
From one gambler to another ,from one mother to another from one friend to another from one women to another .
Im sending you the biggest hug .Counting on you,one day i will pop back in and i will look for your posts ,watching yah girl ,DREAM BIG ,take care .

[lorraine]

to much damage done now,to rebann but thanks for your concern.chasing ,running,you know just looking for that break .
Was doing so good for two days ,to me that was good ,but to others its a joke.
Just another *** i tell my self.
I think this time i went to far.but maybe thats good ,others will put me in my place because i sure as he ll cant.
The sky is blue i have to go to work and all i want to do is crawl under a bridge for about a week and really think about all this.stories old but ***** to be told.bye

[lorraine]

We are what we are arnt we .
Take care,ever wonder how this all ends
HAVE A GREAT WEEKENED AND HUGS THOSE BABIES .

[lorraine]

Wow long time since ive seen my journal.
A few things have changed
Im still gambling online but very little,and yah been to the states i think 4 *****.
I found a new web sight about a month ago,but that proved to be a big disaster and i banned.
On march 2nd my banning from my casino ended,and yah the day before i went through he ll i tell yah ,struggled so hard over and over in my head ban or not .I even went to a pay phone and called the 1-800 help line to make sure my banning was really up,but they had no info for me.
Went to work that night and every minute i was aware of the time ,i was so scared how i was going to wake up ,was i going to blow it ,wow it was so hard couldnt sit still,but midnight came and i was ban free.I knew my safety net was gone.
Kinda felt happy to was like i got out jail ,and done my time.wierd,but another part of me was sad and feared it too.
In the morning i took my son and to the casino i went ,said you come with me,just in case,.he said are you going to rebann ,i said we will see.I gamble for two days and yah was a very exspensiive to days.
I have not rebanned yet.
Well i wont go into the details but we are going to get the test results for my daughter ,she has been tested for huntingtons disease ,her dad has it ,so on mar 13 we will know her fate,if it is bad news it will kill me,WOW ,not sure how iam going to handle it ,very afraid i will fall into a massive depression again.
Then what stress leave again ,I dont think my work will tolerate that again.
I still see the same counsler and yah she has beed so helpful to me last two weeks,i called her cause ,i will need some one to pick up the pieces if it is bad news and help put me back together.
I dont talk much to that lady ,we still talk occasionally but we do not socioalize.counslers right we are bad but for each other and well she rebanned,but we could of easly become best gambling buddies.
Still go to ga ,but not as much missed over a month through dec,busy ,work and well 2 ***** i chose gambling in states over ga.I dont have a sponser and iam not ready for 12 steps.i dont have a phone list either.Ga is for the rest of my life i know that ,but for right now the want to stop gambling will be my ga.cant go for next two weeks freshly off the ban ,yah not to good ,going to be a struggle that is for sure.
Im having alot of trouble still doing my budgets for lawyers,i just fill it all in ,crunching numbers to fit it all in to look like i budgeted ,but really it is all lies .called the ga line and talked to a fellow about the pressure relief groups ,but i dont qualify need 30 days gf,and i dont.plus he started talking about spread sheets ,noway cant do that to much for my brain lol.
Hubby is doing so goooooood ,loosing weight but for some reason ,he is so compliant with care now and they never have to call me,he lets them do it all ,so nice,i still ride thier but ts to make sure they care for him.I have been going to see hime everyday it is tiring and well takes alot out of me.
Nothing changed for me in the year i was away from the casino,i have been living a fairly normal life ,but i will say i gambled 2 paychecks in states and one on that online site,so financial im behind ,but still doable.
Im still a cg and will be for life,always need to be reminded of that for my kids sake,cause really it hurts them more.
Im in big trouble with lawyers,yes and im in big trouble with care home i behind on hubbys rent.and yes mentally im in big trouble too awaiting the results is so hard the fear of the unknow can take you to your knees fast.
I  did not gamble today or yesterday and for some reason I didnt even want to,changing but never changed,
I am greatful for my counsler,my couch and my warm house i dont want to loose that to gambling.Im greatful for my job .im greatful for my car and i am greatful for the way my kids still love me lol ( although some days they might not me )but yah they love me.And i love them.
Spring is here it bring new life and hope .take care all night.
 

[lorraine]

Hi pumpkin ,you sound so sad ,what iam about to say is hard to do ,give your self the credit you deserve for the things you do ,and be thankful  for that job ,slow down enjoy your 2 hour drive it is a wonderful peaceful  time for you listen to music and breath,nice cup of tea and maybe a snack or two . (preferably chocolate)
Iam still living life in the fast lane,and yes still gamlbing,heading for that wall myself,but will such a relief to stop again.
The year i had away from the casino ,definitly made my life easier to handle,but no it did not change anything,stopping gambling and admitting defeat is hard.But in my opinion i think we also have to admit defeat in life as well in order to stop gambling all together.
At the end of the day and we crawl into bed ,we are warm ,we are safe ,we are loved ,we are HOME and no matter how much we had to go through in a day to get there .
Just be greatful that your there ,you can do it pumpkin ,chin up ,wake up and give yourself a sigh of relief that just for today you made it.
Bills will always be there that is for sure ,we all have them yah me too darn lol.
But when i worry about the bills and have big plans to pay them ,**** i gamble.
I try to think back of what i was like before gambling ,what changed me,why cant i stop gambling makes no sense to me,why every nickel and dime has to go to someone elses pocket,and not myn its nuts it is.
Im Sitting on my couch and all i want is you right beside me,hugs
Yah,the weather freaks me out too lol ,but i promise if you drive i would love to go for a ride with you ,snowstorm is nothing compared to the storm of gambling .
Gotta go here ,just off work and to see hubby ,but saw your post and  it helped me too pumpkin,
Hope you feel better soon ,wont tell you to stop gambling all together but hey maybe slow it down ,give yourself a break your worth it.
night.
 
 

[lorraine]

Hey i was writing a post and it was took away said for investigation .lol so if it appears hey ho it does and if it doesnt well it doesnt .But just in case it doesnt i just want to say Its a new august 10 th yah maybe a year later but i got my clean date back and im keeping it this time .

[lorraine]

Well ***** all ,thanks for your posts.
  I just wanted to say Ive been going to GA for a year now.And not hard to remember back to those first few meetingsyah they werent really so good lol.I was blown away by what they said,and i heard.But i can honestly say glad i didnt give up,few ***** i hated it so bad i actually dreaded going.
  To accept you have a addiction other then smoking was a shameful thing to have to say ,and omg saying hi im a compulsive gambler was just something they said so i said it for the first few weeks.
 But after a few weeks and to today.I can say it now easy cause Iam a compulsive gambler and will be for life and that is withought any doubt in my mind.
  So I guess it is also a year for me online chatting too here and other sites .What a miracle the internet is allowing people from all over the world to help each other.
  Someone said something a few days ago ,cause i was haveing a bad day,what he said really helped me to take a step back ,he said recovery is about progress and not perfection.I have made a lot of progress in the last year and yah no where near perfect ,he was right and i did make progress that day but was to overwhelmed to see it ,until later that day.
  Well it is like 1am here now payday weekened,long weekened, home alone cause the dog dont ***** and after work driving home i pass the casino always do ,and i smiled and said to myself nah im too tired.I didnt WANT to go ,and not cause im banned i really didnt want to go,and that is progress to me.Just wanted a coffee and my couch i prefered to be at home.
  I didnt gamble today and that is my progress for today lol take care all .lets see how another year goes
Older and wiser lol yah right take care all hugs night.

[lorraine]

Hi Amy ,no im not looking to gamble ,i cant show a negative on my budget ever the lawyer said.And im already in the negative on the third day as any further recipets will not match up ,so where does this money come from.Not allowed to borrow he said.So for now iam throwing all reciepts into a shoe box and at the end of the month i will put it all together and make it look the way they want it.But no iam not going to gamble.

[lorraine]

lol story of my life always a day behind  hugs to you hopestay strong we can do this .

[lorraine]

Hi all ,sorry Mav i didnt go there,but we will catch up again.lol im searching for the right fence to kick.thanks carol for your support hugs.Hope im not going to slip again no choice apr 1st is the day .I have to admit iam a bit afraid ,okay alot afraid of getting caught .But today and maybe for a little while i might have to sleep a little more allowing the dust to settle ,i still am holding on to one day a time cause thats all i got .Im only day 2 into my budget it already is showing sighns that what i was worrying about is going to be reality,i knew it would ,but it means for the next two years i will have to become a very clever lyier so i dont get caught as to not be in the negative.My nerves are shot over this and will be until my first budget is handed in .What a tangeled web we weave, when first you do decieve! Day 3 tomorrow see my buget and my gf days are the same now easier to remember,i planned it that way less to remember.Bye for now

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