[kin]

Dear diary,
Now I learnt that there is nothing wrong with money
It was my love of money that is evil

When did money loses its grip on me and become just another thing that is not everything in my life?
It was only after I came to know God and listens to his Word one day at a time.

Money suddenly lost the kind of power it used to have on me and no longer trigger me like it used to for months now
Glory to God!

God have given me love, provided me a sense of security and brought freedom into my life

Amen!

[kin]

Dear diary,
It would be a lie if I do not have any worries now and life was perfect.
Fact is “ I was worried about 2 things now.”
1. I worry that I cannot manage with the workload working alone on the job ( I am covering the job of 2 or 3 now compare to last year this time )
2. I worry that I don’t know what to do when there is a job to do ( there are new changes and new services, when I am working alone, there is no one to teach me what to do. )

What I was taught?
It is testing my faith in God.
If my faith is strong, I need not worry.

What do I plan to do ?
I cannot see the future, but I will continue to have faith on God.
Am sure all will be fine in the end.
I am made of fresh, yes, I do get worried.

What did I learn from reading ?
Do not base my decision on past experience, it can be wrong if it was not base upon all the scriptures ?
In the past, when I get upset, I cannot be still, it is a fight or flee situation for me.
I will either fix the thing or I will leave the thing, it is extreme, nothing in between.
I resign from the job many times in the past.

What do I intend to do ?
Leave it to the Higher Power to fix the situation.
I will not made the decision.
Will be patience, be still and watch the situation progress or unfold. This is new to me. I will be teachable and willing.

[kin]

Thursday is turning into a day I bring my 85 years old mum out to new places for food and shopping

it is turning into a weekly event – 3rd week now

I am very grateful to God for helping me to do this

The old me don’t do such a thing week in week out
I gladly accept the new me, it is a joy for mum and me

[kin]

Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you will go, just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you’ve faced. All the battles you have won. All the fears you’ve overcome.

[kin]

Dear diary,
I was performing my third days straight 12 hours shift at work over the weekend.
When I started out last year, there was 3 persons performing the shift on Saturday
Monday, normally we will have 4-6 person during office hours being the busiest day of the week

But last Sat, Sun, Mon, I was working alone.
Short handed one reason
2nd reason, I have proven I can do it in last 5 months over Sat and Sun
3rd reason, cost cutting measures and taking advantage of my presence
4th reason, it was a public holiday on Monday in Singapore but unfortunately it was not a holiday in Taiwan, Hong kong and China, these are the places we are servicing.

I get the job done on Sat and Sunday as usual but the workload on Monday was just too much for me to handle alone, I cannot cope.
I was too exhausted by the third day to cope with the heavy workload and starting to lose control of my mind, I have burn out. I can no longer deliver and say the right things. I hit my breaking point.
I am made of fresh afterall, I have lost self-control, I was fine and in control for a large part of the day until the end, I lost my focus on God completely for a moment, I was too tired and felt the exhaustion, it was too painful to carry on.
I was suffering serving demanding and difficult customer because my mind was too tired and don’t have any patience left. I become weak and helpless.
In the past, after work, I would have self-destructed and self-medicated. I could have gamble or drink to numb myself. This time, I did not do that but I was still disappointed I have forgotten about GOD and lost myself for a moment, I lost my mind and self-control but GOD did not left me, GOD help me and stop me, I didn’t press the self- destruction button . Everything was not ok but I was ok in the end. I did not have the mental strength to carry on at work but GOD gave me the strength not to press the self-destructive button.
I have already flag the situation to the operation manager about Monday when I saw the roster. She wasn’t convince. On Monday, I have kept her posted on the heavy workload and tell her I cannot cope after 5 hours, my mistakes at work proves it.
I did a self-reflection, I read about how I could be wrong if I respond base on my past experience, I could have tender my resignation, but this time I should trust my Higher Power and management and let them decide. Today I have informed the management about how I feel about the situation.
I have also remember reading about being loyal to work but not to the company because the company can one day inform you that they don’t need you anymore.

Yes I notice the same thing happening again, I burnout
Was self-inflicted in the past when I acted out on the job and become a workaholic

But this time it was inflicted by someone, I didn’t want to be a workaholic. Anyway I remember last year, work was the most important thing to me, without it, my life cannot function properly. It was more important to me than God . Today God has become more important than my job, work is not everything to me anymore, this is good news, finally, spiritually I am growing stronger.

Something stood out for me, I did not repeat the insanity cycle
I did not drink or gamble or look for sex to numb myself

I could not stop myself and cannot change on my own in the past
God has change me. Praise God. Halleluyah. God kept me safe today.

[kin]

I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.
( Roman 7:18)

Realized I am not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.
( 8 principles based on the beatitudes by Pastor Rick Warren )

We Admitted that we were powerless over our gambling, that our lives had become unmanageable.”
GA ~ Step One
 
Dear Andrea,
Principle 1 Prayer
Dear GOD, Your Word tells me that I cannot heal my hurts, hang ups and habits by just saying that they are not there.
Help me! Parts of my life, or all of my life, is out of control.
I now know that I cannot “fix” myself.it seems the harder I try to do the right thing the more I struggle.
Lord, I want to step out of my denial into the truth.
I pray for you to show me the way. In Your Son’s name I pray, AMEN.

With love
Kin

[kin]

Dear diary,

for the second week now, I have time to be more thoughtful and bring my 85 years old mum out for shopping.

in the past when I was gambling I can never find the need, the time, the money to do it.

she seem to be enjoying the trip to these places new to her

Thank you God

[kin]

Dear diary,

I like the sharings I heard from 2 recovering gamblers recently, they say that even if it was a sure win bet, they are not going to gamble.

I thought to myself
this is against my belief and principle in the past

if the venture is a sure win, it was a stupidity if I do not go ahead to make the money.

this has also become my downfall many times in the past. I found out that when I stop gambling in the past, I was like hibernating and waiting for the right time to return to gambling.

today I can question myself and others
if this was a sure win bet, will I go ahead to gamble?

the answer I got from 2 groups was not a yes or no answer to gambling, they replied the same answer, there was no guarantee sure win in gambling.

I reply if there was a sure win bet, are you going ahead to gamble?

One person reply jokingly, he will gamble this time and stop after that.

People are very defensive and uncomfortable with this question

I had the same feelings for a long time, it question my conscience and dishonesty, the truth make me very uncomfortable, deep down I know, I will go ahead to gamble if it was a sure win.

I had dig out this reservation in me and I am addressing and talking about it.

Now even if I know this was a sure win bet, I am not going to gamble because it was a wrong way to make money.

[kin]

Dear diary,
One reason why I was such a difficult person to change in the past was simply because I was too proud, stubborn and full of self-beliefs.
I tried to change, I would like to think I am otherwise, but I remain the same. I could not change myself
God has broken my proud arrogant self and stubbornness
Only God can change me

[kin]

Dear Diary,

I wrote…..
12 August 2013, it was my day one clean
October and November 2013 was hard and all about negotiating with legal money lenders on accepting my terms for payment.
16th November 2013, I received a letter of demand from a legal moneylending company chasing me for money that I did not borrow. It was very upsetting, I reported them to the police and found out the letter was fake, it was all a scam.
11th December 2013, my 85 years old elderly mum was diagnosed to be suffering from 3rd stage cancer of the colon, she was schedule for an operation on the 27th December 2013
14th December 2013, I was more than 10 weeks clean.
19th December2013, I was informed by my company they are not renewing my employment contract due next month. I am going to be unemployed soon.
21st December 2013, things are turning awfully wrong, wave after waves of bad news is hitting me hard, I was really hurting deep inside and taking it very badly. I did not gamble but my life look like it is getting harder and turning out worst, I really cannot comprehend.
I asked a question at that time, “Is this what carrying my own cross and denying myself and following Christ ” really feels like ?
I was getting punch real hard like in the ring in life ‘s reality one time after another and trying hard to stand upright, I was slipping away and getting wasted, I was getting mentally weaker and weaker in the midst of all the pain and suffering during this period until I return to gambling drinking and woman to self medicate and find a relief for the intense pain and lousy feelings.

Things has change and not change now, things was still not ok but I am ok. Life is good now.

I feel that I am actually growing mentally stronger, more joyful and positive instead… in the midst of suffering , I praise God now!

Saint Peter says” rejoice in suffering in the name of Jesus Christ.”

Amen!

The quality of the ten week old clean days I had in the past
and the new ten week old clean days I have now is so different

This was what I went thru and now a part of my spiritual growth

[kin]

Philippians 4:11-13New International Version (NIV)

11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

God promise to provide
I am happy with what I have now

[kin]

Dear Diary,

I read on…..
12 August 2013, I wrote it was my day one.
14 Dec 2013, I wrote that I was more than 10 weeks clean
Last entry was on 21 Dec 2013, things was going wrong, I wrote that wave after wave of bad news hit me, I was hurting deep inside. life was becoming harder and harder even though I didn’t gamble.
I ask a question was this what “carrying my own cross and denying myself ” really feels like ?

I show human weakness, life was too hard, It was too painful, I turn away from God, and return to gambling.

I learn from that lesson, I had to focus on God and not on my problem, One Day At A Time.

Another thing that stood out now

In the past, when I stop gambling, I was either ending up drinking or sleeping with woman or working like a workaholic eventually

Today dated 22 May 2015, I am 106 days clean since 5 Feb 2015 , I shall continue to try …
to remember God more each day and myself less each day ODAAT.

This time really feels very different from the many other times in the last ten years. God has help me to not only stop gambling, but also stop drinking, sleeping with woman, overworking and all my other old ways at the same time.

I am very confident that I will remain clean after 180 days, I trust God, everyday now was my commitment to God.

I have learnt from past experience, if I lose focus and turn away from God, I will be gone! I will lose myself to the devil.

[kin]

One day at a time, think of God a little more
and think of myself a little less

Today I pray to God, I am nothing, you are everything.

I was the same person who sold 1 million dollars worth of unit trust each time and earn 30,000 dollars worth of commission in the early 1990s (not inclusive of my incentives and bonuses.)
and earn only 20 dollars a day for 2 hours work between 12 am to 2 am working as a cleaner scrubbing grease off Burger King kitchen wall and washing the floor there in 2013.

This was what gambling did to me in the past

I am happy now. God change my life.

[kin]

There was a time when I thought only death ……

Only death can stop me from all the self destructive acts

God help me realised all that was wrong now

[kin]

Lately, was thinking of the things I did because of gambling in the past.

One day, I was like suffering the strong withdrawal of heroin at home and had no money to buy them
In reality, I don’t have enough money to feed my gambling but I felt that I must have them even if it didn’t belong to me.
My urge was so strong, the intense feeling was very unbearable… that was what it feels like
I was so desperate I actually pick on the lock of a drawer belonging to a family member

It wouldn’t have happen if I was not gambling, isn’t it

This was what gambling did to me

[Author]

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