[kin]

Dear diary,

Thoughts
my mind has been planning / contemplating for the last few days , if I had gone ahead to exercise my self will – I would have lost SGD1000 dollars today. The outsider won, the hot favourite lost the bet. It really sound and look almost impossible to me but it did.

I could have got myself into trouble again if I did not have a God or a recovery programme. I sounded so convincing to myself, it sound like it was the right thing to do.

Feelings
feel like this money don’t belong to me anymore.
no matter how careful and patient I can be, I can still lose the money in the end if I gamble.
feel that the Holy Spirit led me to do the right things when I was tempted, it has improve the quality of my life.

it is a fact that trials and temptations will come again and again in this life, I am made of flesh and human, I am not perfect and can be weak, I feel that I will continue to face life ‘s trials ,temptation and continue to be tested, this is another example, trials and temptations tried to pull me away to do the wrong thing and I want to do it. I had to depend on a Higher Power to be safe. I cannot, He can.

Actions
use this money to do right, not in my eye but in the eye of God.
I have to exercise giving up my self will more often and get used to following God’s will as mention in the scriptures.
( I have to think of myself less and think of God and love ones more )

I could not lie about my thoughts and feelings in the last few days. I have wrote them all down in here.
The professional always encourage us to be mindful / to increase our awareness; you can think about it, feel it, but you don’t have to do it / act it out etc. cognitive behavioural therapy and rational emotive behavioural therapy, this is another example.
this is the advantage of writing down all my thoughts, feelings and action in a journal. Thank you GT.

Instead of having zero dollars and nothing to look after my mum. I still have my hard earn SGD1000 dollars with me, I do not need to be desperate and borrow.

Another 10 days before the maid return.

[kin]

Dear diary,

Our family maid has return to Indonesia for a 2 weeks holiday and I had to apply 2 weeks leave to look after mum.

I have been using this opportunity to bring her out everyday to different places to try out different type of expensive food I used to pamper myself. Sometimes it can be very costly for a meal.

It is eating into my small saving very fast.
At this rate, it is possible to lose up to 50% of my little saving

Honestly I did show sign of weakness, when I shift the focus on myself and my money running out fast, I can feel the pinch and something else… is it feeling of fear ? it definitely trigger my thought to grow my money by gambling.

When I woke up today, I was refocus, my God and love ones take centre stage, the picture is very clear. What I am doing was an act of love for my 85 years old mum and a sacrifice. I am giving away my love, I am not going to gamble to make up the financial loss due to spendings.

God’s Grace is sufficient.
I will receive my salary in 2 weeks time, my small saving will be top up. Trust God.

I was still amaze by God’s power, I read His scripture and words in the bible, I obey and follow, I start to see myself receiving His Grace and doing the right things.

In recovery, this has been say many times, giving up my self will, I cannot He can, do His will.

Only when the old me dies, can the new life begin.

Miracles do happen!

Thank you Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit, keeping me safe!

[kin]

Why did I have a second thought?
I was focusing on a problem and not on God.

Why didn’t I trust God?
I wanted to fix the problem quickly.
I can see a problem but not a solution, I start to feel insecure and my confident drops. I want more money.

God says I am the way
I wanted to do it my way, my way was more familiar, predictable and quicker.

Believing in something I cannot see. This was not taught in school.
School taught us to depend on knowledge and self -will.

When I focus on the problem, it can suddenly grow in strength and magnified many times and turn into fear, it can shake my confident and my trust in God, I can become impatient, anxious and panic, in the worst scenario, it could make me press the self-destruction button.

When I lost my focus on God, I make it harder for me to give up my self-will, it become so tempting to take back the control

What can I do?
Seeking God daily, praying to God, reading and listening to his words every day helps to refocus and grow in faith and strength. Thank you Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and Holy spirit for everything.

Our Father in heaven,
may your name be kept holy.
May your Kingdom come soon.
May your will be done on earth
as it is in heaven.
Give us today the food we need,
and forgive us our sins,
as we have forgiven those who sin against us.
And don’t let us yield to temptation,
but rescue us from the evil one.
In Jesus’s name I pray.
Amen!

[kin]

Hi Cursed23,

I am so sorry to hear about your traumatic experiences with regards to your sister, best friend and wife.

It is painful.

I have read your post and notice that you are doing a lot of escape gambling and gambling to numb your unhappiness, stress and anxiety.

Have you seen the professional for your depression?

Your acting out is turning into a vicious cycle, it was obvious you are trapped and could not free yourself from the bondage of addictions. It is becoming a vicious cycle every payday. Every time you receive the money, the mind become anxious and start planning how, when and where to act out. This behaviour only stop when you have no more hard earn money to feed the addictions. This is a very damaging self inflicted injury and painful punishment, how much more pain do you want to inflict on yourself? how much longer do you want this suffering to carry on?

it is time to put a stop to the pain and suffering, enough is enough! Stop pressing the self destruction button!

Let the healing begins.

I would like to take this opportunity to welcome you to this site, you are not alone with this problem. I had the same issues, the depression, the self medication thru gambling and other forms of acting out, seeking relief in all the wrong ways, acting out only to numb my discomfort and escaping life’s realities, I have become a slave of money, working to feed my gambling until I lost everything, and had to work hard for the next one month only for the same thing to happen again and again, I end up working for nothing, I want this to end but I could not break free from the powerful bondage of addictions, it is all in the past now, there is HOPE.

In the meanwhile, you can write about ” what are your thoughts”, “what are your feelings”, and “what are your action plan” in here.

it can be very therapeutic,it will also be easier for others to give advise and encouragements on how to cope with your daily challenges.

Your journal will be your treasure and a blessing for others one day, you will see how you slowly walk out like many in here.

Get support, learn from the people in GA near you on how they practice the 12 steps recovery programme to stay clean.

Seek help from the medical professional for your depression.

I cannot, HE can. Talk to a priest or pastor on how to seek God and how to focus on God daily, listening to God’s word, and walk closely with Him.

I will pray for you.

With love

Kin

[kin]

dear smee,

you are so young, you have such a bright future in front of you.

you do not have to make the same mistakes and be caught in the same vicious cycle of addictions that many of us in here did, many years and money was lost as a result.

you do not want to struggle with this problem for the next 30 years, you do not want to lose away your salary time and time again.

you do not want to stop gambling for 29 days only to lose everything away on the day you receive your pay. then it start all over again.

I read your post and one thing caught my attention.

your memory of your past big wins is very dangerous, this memory of past big wins has sent one too many of us back to gambling.

if we have done it before one time, or many times, we can do it again, this irrational and distorted thoughts can sound very convincing and true to us, it will try to justify the reasons for us to return to gambling.

do you like to break free from the bondage of addictions?

do you like to be free from the slavery of money?

if you really want to change, everything about the old me has to go.

[kin]

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes
And make a new beginning

Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you’re stronger
Stronger than you know

Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason
For someone not to try

Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright

Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don’t have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That’s what faith can do

Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

[kin]

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
That we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place,
Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel you’re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
‘Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
There will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place,
Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always

I can’t wait until that day where the very one
I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame
And misery, this is why, this is why I sing

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place,
Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place,
Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day, He’ll wipe away the tears,
He’ll wipe away the tears, He’ll wipe away the tears

There will be a day

[kin]

When every step is so hard to take
And all of my hope is fading away
When life is a mountain that I cannot climb
You carry me, Jesus, carry me

You are strength in my weakness
And You are refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need

When every moment is more than I can take
And all of my strength is slipping away
And every breath gets harder to breathe
You carry me, Jesus, carry me

You are strength in my weakness
And you are refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need

You, You are everything I need
I love everything about You

You are strength in my weakness
You are refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything

You are strength in my weakness
And you are refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need

Everything, You are everything I need

[kin]

“How Can It Be”
I am guilty
Ashamed of what I’ve done, what I’ve become
These hands are dirty
I dare not lift them up to the Holy one

You plead my cause, you right my wrongs
You break my chains, you overcome
You gave your life to give me mine
You say that I am free
How can it be, how can it be?

I’ve been hiding
Afraid I’ve let you down, inside I doubt
That you still love me
But in your eyes there’s only grace now

You plead my cause, you right my wrongs
You break my chains, you overcome
You gave your life to give me mine
You say that I am free
How can it be, how can it be?

Though I fall, you can make me new
From this death I will rise with you
Oh, the grace reaching out for me
How can it be, how can it be?

You plead my cause, you right my wrongs
You break my chains, you overcome
You gave your life to give me mine
You say that I am free
How can it be, how can it be?

[kin]

Brother Jordan, you have taught me well, I continue to seek God every day.

My recovery focus more and centered on God, less on people, places and things.

I am no longer over reliance or dependent on people, places and things now, in their absence, I do not feel alone and vulnerable as I walk closely with God.

I have also read about how I can let go of the steering wheel and let the Holy Spirit lead me.

It has taught me that there will be times if I respond based on my past experiences or wisdom, such an approach will get me into trouble. I must always go back to the Bible for truth or for the Holy Spirit to reveal the Truth.

My experiences cannot be my guide. Every experiences must be controlled and understood by the Scriptures. The God revealed in the Scripture does not change.

As I continue on this spiritual journey, I look forward to meeting with you again, my good brother.

God is great! God help me change when I could not.

[kin]

Dear diary,

An experience new recovering friend I met told me this and it help me to understand how to share better, he said ” if Jesus really help you, you must let the others know.”

Since then I have been sharing how I tried for more than 9 years and has not been successful staying total abstinent properly and happily, the experience recovery people around me can spot the difference in my clean days with theirs.

I can be total abstinent but I was still not free from the bondage of all addictions and slavery to money and sins in the past, the ending was predictable, I will slip/relapse one day.

Everything changes after I knew Christ,
I decided to carry my cross, deny myself and follow Jesus.

Another good news, when the student was ready, the teacher will show up. I met a wonderful messenger of God, God send brother Jordan Neo to help me.

He has done many for me and he work for God.

He encourage me to seek God and walk closely with God.
He want me to focus on God one day at a time, pray to Him, talk to Him.

He encourage me to attend church and read the bible
When I work on Saturday and Sunday, he want me to work hard, I must continue to attend Church, find a church that has a service on weekday and I found one Church that run a support group meeting on Tuesday and has been going there for more than 4 months now.

He share with me how to made the right decisions, in the event when I have a problem or a question in life, how I could find my answer in the scripture and God’s word found in the bible.

he also share with me it was mention in the bible that the body is the temple….I must take care of my body. it help me understand the importance of sleep; tiredness and stress is very dangerous and harmful to my recovery. I don’t abuse substance and put toxic into my body nowadays. I have skin eczema, it can cause me great stress, especially when the weather is changing and hot, this is something I cannot change, I pray to Jesus Christ when this happen, I continue to deny myself and rejoice in suffering in the name of Jesus Christ.

I receive many advise from many people in many places whether I like it or I don’t, sometimes it feel like they are forcing it down my throat without my consent and consideration to how I feel, I feel like walking away but it is very rude, I don’t want to hurt their feeling and be very offensive to turn them down. Everyone have something to say.

Some of them are so convincing, it sounded so good and true like the real thing, regardless of how good it may sound, brother Jordan has taught me something very important to check myself, to listen to their words very closely. Whether they are speaking the words of God or the satan. It help me separate the God centered people from the self centered people, this has help me to stay clean and kept me safe.

Mr and Mrs Jordan have shown me unconditional love and taught me God’s great love for us. I was really touch, the love has spread to my family.

I learn to love again.

Recovery is about love, it is not about punishment.

I trust God and have faith in Him.
God promises, I believe Him.
God has never fail to deliver.

I started counting my clean day on 5 Feb 2015 the way it was done in the Anonymous Groups.

there are many peace and joy in this way of recovery, it was unlike the white knuckle recovery I experiences in the last 9 years of trying other ways.

This journal document everything, on the 17th September 2014, I wrote about my thoughts, feelings, and actions on the day. I read it yesterday and today. It was very clear I am still not free from the bondage of addictions and slavery to sins and money. I was still trying to use my own analytical mind and reasoning to convince myself not to act out, it was a fight and struggle to stay clean for that one day, I succeeded for that one day but how long can I stay stop fighting and struggling in this way long term, it is like a baggage one carry on them, it can be a burden and weaken a person. Not surprise now, I was reading my input days after, dated 8 December 2014, it look like I have slipped again.

I have experience and can see very clearly the kind of freedom that God can give me.

Recovery is suppose to be a happy and joyful one
if one is struggling and fighting all the times
something is wrong some place, you will end up in the same pit again, please seek help and talk to someone.

Pray to God, seek God
I cannot, He can

Heavenly Father, please heal all the brothers and sisters in GT and give them total recovery in Jesus ‘s name I pray. Amen!

May God bless you all,
I love you.

[kin]

I am not only free from the bondage of addictions

I am also free from slavery of money

[kin]

Dear diary,

Good counsellor, Skilful facilitator, Compassionate, loving and caring man was how I describe brother Zheng Nam who is leaving the place running the support group today.

During my difficult days, I was attending a support group facilitated by him.
When mum was very sick, his attention and concern for me was comforting
When I was troubled, he always lend me a listening ear

He was one of two God messengers that have help me find the way to be closer to God, when I go to them with my problems, they will point me to the scripture for God ‘s answer.

Its been close to 22 months now

He has help many.

Everyone was sad by his departure but I was feeling happy because I met him, happy because I was one of many beneficiary when he was around, his leadership and guidance has been a very positive influence

He was a man of substance and a man working for God.

I am sure he will continue to bless many.

[kin]

Dear diary,
Today I return from a support group meeting feeling below:
How many have tried committing suicide only to return back to gambling
How many was put behind bar only to return to gambling after their release
How many scholars memorized the recovery program only to gamble drink or steal
How many pastor, priest and addiction counsellor was telling others not to gamble, drink, prey on vulnerable people for sex or steal only to do it themselves
How many promises was made to God and love ones only to be broken
Until 2014, I still believe that the only time I can stop for good was after I die, dead man cannot act out in destructive ways.

How many hypocrites have I witness since 2005, too many until I start to believe I was hopeless and no different from them.

I can never imagine and never thought that I can be where I am today.
My life has change, I was blessed by messenger from God
If I consider my last gamble and drink, I would have gamble and drink for more than 30 years
Along the way I become a workaholic, sex , food addict,
I didn’t like drugs after trying when young

I listen to my God’s messenger
focus on God one day at a time
try to read God’s words as much as I can
learn to refer to God ‘s scripture and words when I need to made a decision
I start to be mindful and look after my mind and body after learning that my body is His temple.
Most importantly I start praying more regularly

This my story.
I could not change.
God gave me Grace, and change me.

[kin]

Dear diary,

I was reading the posts from others in December 2013

It was a very painful and difficult period for me when many things are taken away from me.

During these times, there are many friends from GT who came in to drop a line or two to encourage me.

I was touch and grateful to all of you and would like to take this opportunity to thank you.

Times flies, life have pick up for me now, things are looking brighter, and I am enjoying my recovery like I never did before.

love you all….

[Author]

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