[kin]

Autobiography of an addict in 5 short chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I fall in.
I am lost.……I am hopeless,
It take forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I pretend I dun see it,
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But I believe it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk ,
I see it is there
I still fall in…..it‘s a habit
I know where I am
It is my fault
I get out immediately

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk ,
I walk around it

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.
Where are you now?

[kin]

Addiction is like a tiger lying in wait for its prey.
Unfortunately, we are the prey !
The tiger is extremely patient
as it wait for the optimal moment to pounce on its unsuspecting victim.
It is well camouflaged with denial, minimization,
rationalization, and other psychological defences,
so it is hard to distinguish the menace from its surroundings.
Its stealth make it hard to identify
as it is sneaking up and preparing to attack.
Addiction is cunning and baffling.
Many times its victims do not know they are being stalked until it is too late.
80% percent of newcomers relapse in their first year.
We cannot defeat addiction in the traditional sense.
The solution begins with a paradox:
Victory is achieved through surrender, not in battle.
If we surrender, our disease loses its control over our life.
It doesn’t disappear. It doesn’t go away. It never go away!
It merely recedes into the background.
Yet it is always there,
Waiting for a lapse in our spiritual program,
Example :
When we are feeling down and out
because we have gotten into a bitter argument with our spouse, or
When we have received a special recognition at work
and feel that we deserve to celebrate.
It will act on any opportunity to regain control of our life.
The first thing to consider is whether our disease is once again trying
to establish a foothold in our life.
It may be setting us up in order to take charge
and again run the show.
Remember, it is always looking for that opportunity
to convince us to return to gambling.
A person in early recovery looks for all the ways that
his gambling isn’t as bad as those around him / her.
I wasn’t that out of control,
my spouse haven’t left me,
my debt is manageable,
I do not have huge credit cards debt,
I did not borrow from illegal money lender,
I didn’t lose my job ,
I m not a bankrupt,
I do not have to steal or borrow to gamble…etc….
the list go on and on and on.
Before long, he convinced himself that he / she can return to gambling,
he just need to control it better this time around.
This is a person who has not truly surrendered.
This disease is capable of convincing us to go ahead and gamble again
because this time it will be different , I am not a slot machine addict.
The addicted part of us will insist on this position,
despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
Do you know why ?
Because this disease will selectively ignore information
that validates our powerlessness.
This filtering is called the Selective Inattention.
The information that indicate we are an addict
and unable to control our slot machine gambling is ignored.
Watching out for how the beast may be sabotaging our recovery is crucial.
So watch and listen.
It will be our own life that we save if we keep our vigil.

[kin]

Hi Steph,

I can understand how you feel, I was addicted to video/slot machines too, it was terrible to be addicted to video/slot machines, it has rob me of all the things important to me and brought insanities into my life.

Me too, must stop gambling on the slot machines.When the slot machine use stops, the insanity brought by slot machine use also stop.

I have applied for self exclusion ban from the casino and it has help make it more difficult for me to use the slot machine when I want to, it has made it more inconvenience for me, it slow me down and gave me more time to alter my course.

I cannot use the slot machine. it was not an option.

At the same time, if I do not use the slot machine to alter my mood, I should not be using alcohol to alter my mood because it is the same quick fix for me, alcohol use only affect my thinking and decision making and send me back to the slot in the end.

Grateful to be free from slot machine and alcohol use today.

[kin]

Autobiography of an addict in 5 short chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I fall in.
I am lost.……I am hopeless,
It take forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I pretend I dun see it,
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But I believe it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk ,
I see it is there
I still fall in…..it‘s a habit
I know where I am
It is my fault
I get out immediately

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk ,
I walk around it

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.
Where are you now?

[kin]

Dear diary,

Visited mum today. am glad she is all calm and relax now.

Thank you God.

[kin]

Dear diary,
I receive news yesterday that mum need to be warded in the hospital and was there to arrange her admission.
It was all God timing.
Sis is outstation on a business trip, brother has his own family to look after, I thank God that I was ready this time and was there for mum. I was grateful to God for this because not so long ago, I was still irresponsible and in a mess. Sis and brother was always there for the family all the times in the past.
It took a long time admitting mum to the hospital yesterday but everything went fine.
Mum likes to show everyone that she was considerate and a brave person but when she was hospitalized, she was scared and afraid, and it shows when she talk, she suddenly become very demanding, and not co-operative, she know how to get the best that her children could provide for her.
Yesterday in another one of her outburst, she was telling me what to do again, but mum who has no formal education did not know the rules in the hospital. She was giving out orders and instructions not knowing that the hospital does not allow her to do them. It looks like she only wants to be heard and not ready to listen to explanation.
She later start complaining about her maid to me, she tell me she was unhappy that the maid was using her smart phone and notebook all the times, but that was how my maid pass her leisure time when she was free and there was no way she can be surfing the net when she was busy doing her work. Other times, Mum did not know that she was charging her battery at night and complain that she was wasting electricity and money.
I can see what is happening and I was more concern and focus on consoling her so that she will not be so fearful about her condition than on the other petty little things she has mentioned. Helping mum get well and looking after her, I get healed too.

Her behaviors triggered me and I get flashback on a very uneasy feeling, one that was hidden at the back of my head, one that I always get from mum when I was young, she was demanding and pushy, not unstanding or considerate at all she will scold and stress me. I can see the picture very clearly now. That was how I was brought up. Even as I write, I could remember times during my younger days, how I would go grab a beer when I have this lousy feeling or to hang out with the wrong company to find relief, it was a bad decision or choice end of the day.

I pray to God for mum speedy recovery and thank God for everything.

[kin]

Addiction is like a tiger lying in wait for its prey.
Unfortunately, we are the prey !
The tiger is extremely patient
as it wait for the optimal moment to pounce on its unsuspecting victim.
It is well camouflaged with denial, minimization,
rationalization, and other psychological defences,
so it is hard to distinguish the menace from its surroundings.
Its stealth make it hard to identify
as it is sneaking up and preparing to attack.
Addiction is cunning and baffling.
Many times its victims do not know they are being stalked until it is too late.
80% percent of newcomers relapse in their first year.
We cannot defeat addiction in the traditional sense.
The solution begins with a paradox:
Victory is achieved through surrender, not in battle.
If we surrender, our disease loses its control over our life.
It doesn’t disappear. It doesn’t go away. It never go away!
It merely recedes into the background.
Yet it is always there,
Waiting for a lapse in our spiritual program,
Example :
When we are feeling down and out
because we have gotten into a bitter argument with our spouse, or
When we have received a special recognition at work
and feel that we deserve to celebrate.
It will act on any opportunity to regain control of our life.
The first thing to consider is whether our disease is once again trying
to establish a foothold in our life.
It may be setting us up in order to take charge
and again run the show.
Remember, it is always looking for that opportunity
to convince us to return to gambling.
A person in early recovery looks for all the ways that
his gambling isn’t as bad as those around him / her.
I wasn’t that out of control,
my spouse haven’t left me,
my debt is manageable,
I do not have huge credit cards debt,
I did not borrow from illegal money lender,
I didn’t lose my job ,
I m not a bankrupt,
I do not have to steal or borrow to gamble…etc….
the list go on and on and on.
Before long, he convinced himself that he / she can return to gambling,
he just need to control it better this time around.
This is a person who has not truly surrendered.
This disease is capable of convincing us to go ahead and gamble again
because this time it will be different , I am not a slot machine addict.
The addicted part of us will insist on this position,
despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
Do you know why ?
Because this disease will selectively ignore information
that validates our powerlessness.
This filtering is called the Selective Inattention.
The information that indicate we are an addict
and unable to control our slot machine gambling is ignored.
Watching out for how the beast may be sabotaging our recovery is crucial.
So watch and listen.
It will be our own life that we save if we keep our vigil.

[kin]

Wolf Parable
An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life.
He said to them ,”A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight
and it is between two wolves.

One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance,
self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person too.”
They thought about it for a minute
and then one child asked his grandfather,
“Which wolf will win?”

The old Grandpa simply replied, “The one you feed.

Are you feeding your addiction or your recovery?

[kin]

Chapter 1

I walk down the street,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I fall in.
I am lost.……I am hopeless,
It take forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I pretend I dun see it,
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But I believe it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk ,
I see it is there
I still fall in…..it‘s a habit
I know where I am
It is my fault
I get out immediately

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk ,
I walk around it

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.
Where are you now?

[kin]

Dear diary,
I was glad to return to WeCare recovery drop in center recently and to be in the company of many other recovering addicts. There was a very warmth and familiar feeling of safety at home, trusting relationship between recovering person like family members I felt there.
They gave me a new realization this time. I saw new recovering persons, their struggle was mine, it was early days struggle to stay total abstinence and free from the bondage of addictions.
Those with certain period of clean days and long term recovery have found a way that work for their recovery. It doesn’t matter what way or what recovery method they use, it is not important to me anymore but ultimately these group of people found one that work for them, they all realized that recovery life is more than just about staying abstinence, this matter a lot to me now.

Higher Power in my recovery
I have been reading about 12 steps recovery program again, it talk about feeling, hearing and listening, look and see, to be sensitive to the Higher Power. It also mention about many who have already experience the Higher Power many times in their recovery and has developed a trust in the program.
This year was especially rewarding for me, I have been watching myself closely again since 5 Feb 2015, I saw how the Higher Power work in my life and help me do things that I could not do or struggle in the past.
I was no more trap by most of the insanities addiction has brought into my life that has previously taken deep root in it. For many months now, I did not struggle with servicing bills, this is so unlike me. In the past, I clear my old debts so that I would borrow again to continue my old ways.
I could feel that it was the Higher Power who was using and helping me to complete those things, I gradually grew less self- centered, and more responsible and caring in many ways.
Without the presence of a Higher Power in my recovery in the past, everything remains the same for me, I was still depending on my own power, if it works, it only work for a short period and can only help me for this long, end of the day, the outcome and results was always the same, it did not bring me anywhere except more suffering.
I cannot imagine myself enjoying a normal life, to be able to give away my love to another person unconditionally and to be able to give away my hard earned money to service the money I borrowed willingly and happily, so obliging and responsibily. In the past I was only a taker and not a giver, I was just very selfish.
I really cannot imagine in the past that I was able to talk to my elderly mum and taking her out more regularly now, I was too busy with my troubles and cleaning up my own mess.
It was always my sister and brother who was there for mum in time of emergency, who can imagine that I was able to take a few weeks leave off from work to look after her, my sibling was so worried that it may affect my work and I will lose my job again I never had the time and was never financially sound enough to take care of mum, I was able to do all that now.
I came home yesterday after a 12 hours graveyard shift, my family maid quickly express to me her concern that my mum was having fainting spells when I was not around and she was worried, I decided to buy a wheelchair for mum so that she can be seated and not fall when standing.
I saw the Higher Power at work again. I wanted to do it not immediately but the next day after I have rested, I was tired but I could feel it, telling me to get the wheelchair immediately and I follow.
Many times especially this year, I had wanted to do some things but the Higher Power led me to do something else. The Higher Power led me to do something else that kept me safe and clean. Higher Power has helped me to do things now that I used to struggle to do in the past by myself.

Expectation in my recovery
“Insanity in Recovery: having unrealistic expectations
Disease of addition is about wanting more and more.
Isn’t wanting more an expectation?”

If someone offer me a suggestion in the past that I could live life like any normal man, to be able to be responsible, accountable, happy and peaceful, but like any normal person, from time to time, I will make mistakes. I will be more than happy and grateful to accept this offer immediately.
Thinking to myself now why did I work my recovery in the first place?
It was all because I wanted to break free and walk away from my old self-destructive and irresponsible ways, I wanted all the suffering and pain brought about by the disease of addictions to end, I wished to feel joy, calm, peace in my life and live happily.
I once thought and expected perfect recovery from myself and everyone in it, thought recovery was all about total abstinence every day forever. I was quick to be critical, judgemental and hard on myself and anyone when we make a mistake. I later realize that this is total insanity in recovery, Man are not perfect being, they are not perfect like God. Why do I accept imperfection in life but perfection in my recovery? This is an unrealistic expectation on me and everyone in it by me.

Having experience an awakening personally, I am no more hard on myself and don’t punish myself anymore. If I act out, that was if I act out, I hope not and if it happens, this was not an excuse, it is not the end of the world, I will just continue my clean days from where I last stop, the journey continues for me.

Now I learnt to accept myself for who I am, I am a recovering addict, I am perfect in my imperfect ways and I can love myself this way. I was once a very irresponsible and selfish person but in recovery, I become more responsible , loving and caring and did more responsible, loving and caring things unconditionally now.

I was convinced by the existence and presence of a Higher Power in recovery. I believe it is necessary to have a Higher Power to work our recovery.
I cannot, my Higher Power can!
The day I let go of my unrealistic expectations, I can start living a normal life and gain a whole new freedom, peace and happiness.

Thank you Higher Power!

[kin]

High risk situations:
High-risk situations involve those situations where you find it particularly difficult not to gamble, drink or use drugs or act out your behaviours. High-risk situations include your emotions, thoughts, places, events and people.

For example:
“I was starting a new job and I just didn’t want to stuff it up. I was so anxious about it and I didn’t know what was expected of me.” “It was my birthday and they want to celebrate in a restaurant beside the casino. It was to celebrate. I couldn’t say no.”

Jot down your possible high-risk situations:

Feelings:
This includes good and bad moods and boredom. For example:
“I just got a job, so I had to celebrate.”
“I was just walking down the street and my creditor came up and started hassling me. I was just so stressed out, I couldn’t cope, so I gamble.”

Jot down your high-risk feelings:

Thoughts:
Your thoughts are those things that say to yourself that make you want to use. For example:
“I am nothing but a no good gambling addict. I’ll never be able to give up.”
“It’s just one time. One time won’t hurt, I deserve just one more fun.”

Jot down your high-risk thoughts:

People:
This includes anyone that when you hang around them, makes you want to gamble. It could include your parents, mates, parole officer etc. For example:
• hanging around with your using mates; and
• hanging around with people who stress you out.

Jot down your high-risk people:

Places:
For example:
• places where you used to gamble;
• places where other people are gambling;
• suburbs where casino or slot joint is located; and
• places where you used to gamble.

Jot down your high-risk places:

My reasons for change:

[kin]

In recovery, insanity is often describe as the belief that we can gamble or take something outside ourselves to fix what is wrong inside ourselves – our feeling
If we have been clean for a while we may find that a whole new level of denial is making it difficult to see the insanity in our lives.

Recovery is a process, not an event.

If I am very disappointed with my growth in recovery
I need to check my expectations
Am I having unrealistic expectations?
Do I expect myself to never get angry again in recovery?
Do I expect myself to behave perfectly all the time in recovery?

Many of us have discover that we gain the most peace and serenity by letting go
of any expectation we may have about how our recovery is progressing.

How and Why define the term restoration to sanity as a point where gambling
and its accompanying insanity are not controlling our lives.
We see sanity in our lives when begin developing a perspective that
allows us to make better decisions.
We begin to have a maturity and wisdom to slow down and consider
all aspect of a situation before acting.

Our lives will change, many of us have no problem identifying the sanity in our lives when we compare:
Our gambling days to our early recovery
Our early recovery to some clean time with long term recovery
All of this is a process
Our need for a restoration to sanity will change over time.

When we are new
Being restored to sanity probably means not having to gamble anymore
When that happens, some of the insanity that is directly and obviously tied to gambling will stop.

If we have been in recovery for some time
We find that we have no problem believing in a Power greater than ourselves that can help us stay clean.

We may not have considered what a restoration to sanity means to us beyond clean yet.
As we grow in our recovery, it is very important that our idea of the meaning of sanity also grow.

[kin]

Dear diary,
As Singapore air pollution reached “hazardous” levels due to suffocating smoke from agricultural fires raging on nearby Indonesian island today.
I woke up in the evening with a happy problem. I was feeling grateful with the peace I have at home, at work and my financial health now. I did not forget to thank God for today and everything yet I find myself feeling bored after my meal.
I left home, other than going out for the high from a massage, I don’t know what else I would like to do. While traveling, I am very conscious of my thoughts and feelings. I could deny myself the massage, I can deny my desire. I have good reasons, the money I am going to spend for massage, can actually cover 2 weeks of living expenses if I am thrifty in my spending.
But I wish and wanted to feed my flesh tonight, I wanted to get a “high” feeling. I justify that I have behave myself for the last few months. I have paid my bills and service my loans promptly, I would like to waste some money pampering myself. I am human,it is normal to be selfish and self-centered.
“I” would like to drink alcohol or play the slot machine tonight ; kill the boredom and time, something I always do in the past, at this late hours, only the drinking holes is still operating. I had to say no to my heart desires because I am very aware and was afraid to lose my mind totally using alcohol. The barrier set up in the past was working, my self- exclusion sign up has inconvenient me and stop me from using the slot machines at the clubhouse.
My excuse was convincing, since I cannot go gambling or take alcohol, I should let myself loose in other areas such as a massage which can be very costly with my small earning. I was wary, I was checking myself. If I go ahead with this time, I may do it again and again. That is the tricky part. I would not know how to say “no” to my desires in the future.
Anyway I was already in the middle of acting out. I reach the massage shop, it was 9.30pm. I walk in, my intention was clear. Inside the shop, to my surprise , there was no one except one staff who was lying there sound sleep on the couch. I didn’t have the heart to wake her up, I walk away and out of the place. This event allow me to change my mind and flee from the place, I tell myself I am not going ahead with the plan.
I could have woke her up, I could have went to another massage shop but I did not instead I took a bus ride to nowhere, walk and look see for more than 2 hours. I ended up at home safe at 1 am and update this journal.
I was practicing self-will, I still have a lot to work on when it comes to turning over my will to the care of God. I was able to stay clean today by the grace of God, I am sure the Holy Spirit have led me to do one thing when I want to do another thing tonight.

Thank you God

I should not be dissatisfied and discontented at what I don’t have, I should be grateful and happy with what I have ~ I have forgotten all that

[kin]

“We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”

Dear diary,

I am glad to learn in Step 3 that it is more important that we develop a relationship with God.

We can do this in a variety of ways.

First, we need to somehow communicate with our God. Some of us call this prayer, and some call it other things. This communication does not have to be formal, or even verbal.

Second, we need to be open to communication from our God. This may be done by paying attention to how we feel, our reactions, and what is going on inside and around us.

Or we may have a personal routine that helps us connect with God. It may be our God speaking to us or help us see the right thing to do through his messengers.

Third, we need to allow ourselves to have feelings about God. We may get angry, we may feel love, and we may feel frightened. We may feel grateful. It is ok to share the entire range of human emotion with our God. This allow us to feel closer to the Power upon which we rely and helps develop our trust in God.

[kin]

“We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”

My self-will is predictable

So what is my self-will? Sometimes its total withdrawal from all other things and isolation in my mind. I end up living a very lonely and self-absorbed existence. Self-will causes me to act / to the exclusion of any considerations / other than what we want. We ignore the needs and feelings of others. We barrel through, stampeding over anyone who question our rights to do whatever we want. We become tornadoes, whipping through the lives of family, friends and even strangers, totally unconscious of the path of destruction we have left behind. If circumstances aren’t to our liking, we try to change them by any means necessary to achieve our aims. We try to get our own way at all costs. We are so busy aggressively pursuing our impulses that we completely lose touch with our conscience and with God.

[Author]

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