[jurhen2]

It comes with a dessert in the end as well. You actually reset and in a strange way appreciate what 5 mins earlier was the exact same thing that was bothering you. How messed up is that… or could be that it is fear kicking in there then. 

[jurhen2]

Adding up 10 days to the total gambling free days. 2 and a half months now. Today feel rather depressed, it’s always the case when off work. I have some extra work to do and the bit where I don’t like what I am doing is really kicking in so I am just not doing it which is killing me even more. I hate my job and career. I don’t have a feeling I am doing anything meaningful, and I came to an extra realisation gambling is a resource where I can grab in to forget about that fact. 

[jurhen2]

Checking back, 2 months 1 week ago after the initial post. I don’t want to get comfortable with it. Want to read my feelings from that day so I don’t come into a situation where I gamble away andother cent. Its a sort of defeat I even have to come back to this but its reality, it’s as real as every wasted breath there, never again.

[jurhen2]

Day 34. Can’t say I haven’t had any urges in this month to have a go at it, but just the idea of loosing another 50 cents is sickening. 50 cents or 50 million its all the same, I wont let it get to me. Will check back in on day 345 and hopefully stronger.

[jurhen2]

Day 7 gone. Thinking about how do i make a year, 3 years like before a couple of decades if im lucky. cant ever go back, years are not enough, need the rest of my life without it.

[jurhen2]

You already made it his problem. If someone crashes into your car, its your problem by default not just theirs. Sorry for being open but you are very easy going about this all reading the topic. I was at this stage once and it is only gonna get worse, you are in a stage where you think that you are thinking about your family but you are not really. You can still stop ut at loosing this excess money you had, dont cou nt it, think of it as excess. I think you need to tell him asap the full extent of it, asap and seek more help, give him a link to this topic! He needs to figure how serious this is. You lost what you had in excess leave ir at that, every minute you keep hiding this extra is working against you. You cant battle this on your own. Let your family help you. Tell them everything, your daily thoughts, the inner fighting, all of it. This will make you care more not to dissapoint them ever again like that. You cant get the money back, and the only way to balance your feelings back to positive is not by winning the money back but by not going there ever again. Be positive and carefull.

[jurhen2]

Dont try to balance it out you wont succeed, even if somehow you do (this forum wouldnt exist if it was so nor all the gambling stuff) and you actually win its only going to drag you deeper in and you will loose more than money.

[jurhen2]

Thanks for the comments. Its hard to say anything smart. Hate this period after you loose or better yet go again where you keep thinking about the failure you’ve made, I wish I had smt I could build with my own hands, something like idk repairing a car bumper myself. Am a software engineer and this whole virtual crap is sucking the life out of me. I am thinking wouldn’t it be great if i was in some car garage or similar today, surrounded by hard working people, constructing something with your hands, would get such an injection of smt positive… idk

@Ryan, yeah, barriers would be the main thing, I had quite a few in place but they failed this time. Like numerous ones in the past, the only one that was left standing this time was not to go for more cash. I do have a limit there for years now which seems that I wouldnt cross ever again. The thing attacked me and its gone for now, there is no another ambush behind the corner. But not really proud of that because who knows, could have easily been different scenario too, how can I trust myself. I want to work hard on making sure smt like this doesn’t happen again. I am seriously considering adding to what I have smt like regular Church visits, maybe some kind of charity work, animal shelter helping or smt, people can help themselves, I can see that as a resource where I would be feeling positive about what I am doing and at the same time in connection to harsh reality – not that im enjoying it. I think the main thing is to keep this sense of how dangerous this thing is, how consuming and deceptful it is. And thats what I have to say to people who have fallen victims to this IfI could say anything, its not your fault, this is some kind of evil’s doing and it took you as a victim, stop serving it. Its gonna leave you breadcrumbs of all sorts but will drain the blood out of you. No matter how deep it took you there is a light on the other side waiting for you, every day without it, every smile is a point you scored against it – winning the money back isn’t, it feeds of destroying you emotinaly not financially. Never forget how dangerous it is, its a monster and it will cloud your mind into thinking its not. It is going to call you back, if you resist it, its going to step up its game to lure you in… keep resisting it, next time it has you in the corner dont shut your eyes and let it scare you and win, resist it and it will go away forever… I know I am going to get into this situation sooner or later again, where it will somehow push me and Ill try to fight back… we all should. The deeper you are the bigger the achievement of fighting back will it be. Imagine one day coming to the doors of afterlife, and them asking you, so what can you do, what are you good for, will you, will I want to reply that I barely stayed afloat, alive and cornered by this thing or will you be able to say – I’ve defetead one of the strongest devils out there, I smiled in its face on its own playground, I’ve come so far that I managed to lead a good life after a period of complete darkness, and most importantly I didnt let it consume people surrounding me forever too. Its after them too.

*i apologize in advance to those who find spirituality annoying

[Author]

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